Got this today... should raise a wee smile

[trialbyerror]

Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it !"
---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess said,
"Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it 's something we'd like to have."
----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
---o0o---

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
---o0o---

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
---o0o--

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
---o0o---

From a Kulula employee:
"Welcome aboard Kulula 2 71 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."
---o0o---

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."
----o0o---

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
---o0o---

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."
---o0o---

And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
---o0o—

Heard on Kulula 2 55 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump and I know what you all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
---o0o—

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
---o0o—

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
---o0o—

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it ?"
The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"
---o0o—

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."
---o0o—

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
---o0o—

Heard on a Kulula flight:
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

[MisterTinkles]

I hate planes, I hate flying.

I would DEFINITELY stand in line to fly THIS airline!!!!


It has been scientifically proven, that making someone laugh can diffuse many bad feelings, bad thoughts, and many anxieties.

I bet this airline has some very hard core flying addicts!!!



Have you ever flown with this airline Dukkie?

[partis]

Oh my

[trialbyerror]

I hate planes, I hate flying.

I would DEFINITELY stand in line to fly THIS airline!!!!


It has been scientifically proven, that making someone laugh can diffuse many bad feelings, bad thoughts, and many anxieties.

I bet this airline has some very hard core flying addicts!!!



Have you ever flown with this airline Dukkie?

Actually, yes I have, and now you mention it, guess what? I have a funny story to tell....

Want that I tell? Remember now, I do go on a bit......

[Miles]

Actually, yes I have, and now you mention it, guess what? I have a funny story to tell....

Want that I tell? Remember now, I do go on a bit......

Do tell dear

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Unfortunately I have an overly powerful faith in gravity, so I do not get on planes... but at least this airlines sounds fun.

Is it the one you own duckie?

[trialbyerror]

Bow nope, I only own 100% shares in Duckkie airlines.
I have only one bum pilot, 2 wings and a tail.
It is an amphibious flying machine and will float if landed on a pond...

===============================================

Ok, so to the tale.
It just so happens that your's truly is a qualified aviation technician, turner machinist by trade... Yes dears, I started out life as a bed-head blond butch boy-man in overalls at South African Airways Jan Smuts Technical workshops, fixing aeroplane parts.....

You ladies would have gone ape-shit over me in them days.......

Anyhow long story short, after a major service, the Boeing's, 727 / 707 / 747's etcetra etcetra required to be flight tested with ballast.

So all us butch boys where put on a "ballast" roster, and your turn duly came round an off you went to the service runway, got loaded in as passengers and woosh up you went.

Well not quite. First there where the run-up tests, so bloody severe you thought the bleedin' thing was going to shake apart... I suppose that also tested the brakes, who the hell cared, the butch boys were not quite so butch anymore.

Anyhow, after a really bad shake, engines screaming at full throttle, suddenly you where wizzing down the runway, wings flappin up an down, and a whole heap of crap in the trousers, when BANG! the bloody thrust reversers shot out, the engine'd roared, the nose dived into the tarmac, butch boys vomit all over, the plane came to the most god-awful gut-wrenching stop within what seemed like inches from the end of the runway.

Then it was "round number 2"
Bumps and starts touchdown takeoff over and over, sometimes coming to a full stop and taking off again

Round number 3.....
Fly max elevation to what seemed like spitting distance from the moon then plummeting nose down to the ground, and up and down then left circle then right circle then the mid-flight stall.... Butch boys screaming in terror......

Your's truly? Well he giggled and chortled the whole time......

That was waaaaaaaaaay back in the mid 70's when I was a hot hunky bed-head butch boy with a string of black & white beads around my neck....

Now I'm just a fat old fart... I mean Tart.... Ask Partis about that..... With a Gold full Kruger rand on a long gold chain round my neck......

A couple of years ago, I had need to fly to Cape Town on business, and yours truly booked non other than Kalula airlines.

I was seated 2 from the Starboard window 3-4 rows from the front, with an Indian ? dude in his 30's on my left, he had the window see....

Well off we taxied down the service runway, turned onto the runway, waited and then the engines began to run up....

BTW it was a 707.... 2 engines one slung under each wing, and on the way down the service runway, I co-incidentally mentioned to the dude next to me that I was surprised that they still operated 707's seeing how old they where, and didn't think anything further on the matter.

He did tell me this was his first time in a plane though.....

So, there we where, engines screaming like 10 billion tinkles, the plane shaking like a bad case of Parkinson's and off we go wizzing down the runway propelled by the force of umpteen zillion pounds of thrust.

Probably within seconds of point-of-no-return, (The pilot is committed to take off) several things happened almost simultaneously.

There was a tiny almost imperceptible slacking of forward momentum

I said out loud: - Hier kom kak <here comes big shit>

There was a loud bang

The nose dived into the tarmac,

The dude screamed and grabbed my hand on the seat-rest with a force that can only be measured in levels of excruciating pain

And the aged plane began to shake and roar like only a yiddisher grandma whose discovered her daughter's been impregnated by the village idiot, can.

My poor aching crushed hand.......

Anyhow, the plane came to a shuddering stop, turned around, taxied back to the apron where we where informed that there was a guage that was not reading right so they aborted the take off, sorry, and we waited while the smirking guage was thoroughly castigated.

Well, the poor dude next to me who had just about run out of sweat to sweat turned his very bleak face to me sitting ever so calm through the entire drama, and asked me how did I know.

"Know what"? I innocently asked...

"That something was wrong before all the noise" ..... He must have thought I had "the divine sight" or something....

"Oh that, that's happened to me many times" I blandly said. "Didn't you feel that little hesitation just before all the noise? I knew exactly that the brakes where coming on,"

Me sitting there ever so smug......Still nursing my crushed hand....Then I took pity on the chap and explained why I knew the exact moment they had aborted the take-off.

Shame, if you think he was nervous the first time, ya should have seen him the second time...

A picture of pure panic...