My brother

[VileKyle]

I'm feeling a bit better now than I was earlier. I'm still stressed out, but better. A conversation with my younger brother is what made that quick change. I was going to post this in the "how are you today?" thread, but I guess something this long might need its own space.

As some background, my brother is scheduled to get married this summer. It's going to be a big thing for him, since he's always struggled with relationships before. This was going to give him something more solid in his life that he could hold onto better.

The problem is... his fiancee is my ex-wife. No, not the exact same woman. She's just the same exact type of person. I won't go into the finer details of it, but I will say that my ex-wife and I are divorced for a good reason. If we hadn't, I am almost certain, without exaggeration, that I would have killed myself. My brother has the same exact genetic depression that I do. I recognized pretty quickly that my brother was set up to marry the same person, but I could not make any decisions for him on this. I could only advise him, but it was up to him to choose his own route.

So tonight we had a deeper heart-to-heart on the phone (he lives nowhere near me). He told me that he was starting to realize what he was getting himself into, and even he made some comparisons to my ex-wife. He was no longer devoted to the relationship in any healthy way, and he knew pretty well that his life was not headed down a good path. His only hangup was that he was afraid of where he might go with his life otherwise, since that relationship was all that he had.

I may be an asshole at times to people in general, but I'll be damned if I don't care more for my brother than I do for even myself. I told him that if it comes to it, he can move down here with me, and even live rent free as long as he needs to. I'll even get some jobs lined up for him if he has to.

I guess this is what I've been waiting for all along. Yes, it's unfortunate, but I'd rather it be this way than to see him make the same terrible mistake that I made. I've done some stupid shit that has messed up my life in terrible ways, and he doesn't need to follow that same path to its end. Nothing good comes of it.

[Miles]

That made me cry. You sound like my older brother, who is my favorite person in the world. Literally several of the sentences you said sound like things straight out of his mouth.

Sorry I don't have anything constructive to say...just thank you for being a good big brother. All the best to you and him

[trywait]

it's like watching an accident in slow motion but it's what family is supposed to do. kudos to being a big brother

[MisterTinkles]

There is only one good constructive thing to say to this.............


What an AWESOME brother you are!

[James]

That's what we were put on this earth for kyle. to make the mistakes so our siblings didn't have too, kudos, good job, Jim

[Ryocchi]

Wish I had an older brother like you.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Well it must suck for him... Committing to fiancee-ship is a huge step, now he has to decide to go through with it or back out.

The problem that comes to my mind is that you and he are not exactly the same person. So what happened with your ex mayn't actually happen between him and a 'similar' person.

Of course I don't know both of you nor your personalities completely.... I do know that most older brothers are different than their younger brothers... Typically more dominant in personality, younger brothers a bit more passive/submissive used to being the beta male to his older brother.

So if we are talking 'a strong woman' meaning one who is more dominant... and if he has followed the typical path of younger brother... this relationship may work better for him than it would for you.

I'm just throwing it out there... I don't have all the facts... but you may want to think about this a wee bit more...

[VileKyle]

Well it must suck for him... Committing to fiancee-ship is a huge step, now he has to decide to go through with it or back out.

The problem that comes to my mind is that you and he are not exactly the same person. So what happened with your ex mayn't actually happen between him and a 'similar' person.

Of course I don't know both of you nor your personalities completely.... I do know that most older brothers are different than their younger brothers... Typically more dominant in personality, younger brothers a bit more passive/submissive used to being the beta male to his older brother.

So if we are talking 'a strong woman' meaning one who is more dominant... and if he has followed the typical path of younger brother... this relationship may work better for him than it would for you.

I'm just throwing it out there... I don't have all the facts... but you may want to think about this a wee bit more...

You're entirely right, of course. We aren't the same person. We're definitely more alike than most people realize, but we have a few differences. Our situations are also similar, but not exactly alike.

In this case though, he has definitely started to go down the same path that I did. The relationship is shaping into what mine was, but much earlier. I was unlucky because it didn't happen until about a year after I got married and I got stuck with something I didn't sign up for. With his, it's already showing before the wedding. That difference is what will make his situation potentially better than mine... or worse if he goes through with it.

My brother and I also understand each other better than anyone one else on this damn planet, even if we hardly look anything alike. He understands me more than I understand myself, and vice versa. It's actually kind of creepy in a way. It's almost like all those stories about twins I always hear... we just aren't twins.

[loserguy]

While your motives as a brother are commendable I would like to point out that no 2 people are the same and nobody can know what 2 people have together. That said, marriage should be for the right reasons. The only drawback here is that if your brother follows the route you wish him to take and it doesn't work out, he will regret his decision and resent you for it more than likely.

[VileKyle]

While your motives as a brother are commendable I would like to point out that no 2 people are the same and nobody can know what 2 people have together. That said, marriage should be for the right reasons. The only drawback here is that if your brother follows the route you wish him to take and it doesn't work out, he will regret his decision and resent you for it more than likely.

I agree with parts of that. That is why I haven't tried to convince him one way or another about the decision. I've left it in his hands entirely and only given him the options he needs if he needs a way out. I'd rather just be there to help than to personally interfere too much.

I've also left out a lot of information about how the relationship is actually going, and I don't really plan to go into more detail about that here. I was mostly just sharing the more important parts of the story. It's already at that point where everybody knows it's bad. By brother and his fiancee just need to make their decisions about it at this point.