TGo to my ex's Birthday dinner or not?

[novice]

My my this is a dilemma!
........

I think the idea of not going is stronger than the idea of going.

So just don't show up?? Try as I might I cannot be rude or an asshole to him (even if he may have brought most of it onto himself).

[ChadCoxRox]

So just don't show up?? Try as I might I cannot be rude or an asshole to him (even if he may have brought most of it onto himself).

No, not be rude or an asshole. Just don't go. Can you explain why his "best" friend would invite you after you've been broken up for a bit anyway? What is that about? Maybe you need to have a simple chat with this best friend and tell him you think it best that you not attend and you don't understand why he invited you anyway given the circumstance. Or maybe his feedback will help you decide more clearly.

I mean, either way, it'll work out...but I understand the importance of weighing it out. So what's up with this "best" friend of a man who does not think twice about simply "keeping friends."

Also, what about my comment about you deserving better treatment? :confused:

[swalter]

Hell no, you shouldn't go! First of all, you were only together for 18mo, so let's keep this in perspective. It's not like you were a great, long-established couple. I'm not taking away from whatever good came of your relationship, but now it's over and you need to pick up the pieces and move forward. Your ex is now a part of your past, and going to his party would be inappropriate, not to mention desperate.

Stay away from your ex. For whatever reason, he wasn't happy with the relationship and has decided to move on. You need to preserve some dignity and self-respect and do the same.

[novice]

..... Can you explain why his "best" friend would invite you after you've been broken up for a bit anyway? What is that about? .......

...... So what's up with this "best" friend of a man who does not think twice about simply "keeping friends."

Also, what about my comment about you deserving better treatment? :confused:

My ex "doesn't know" about the dinner BUT obviously "knows" some event will take place (?) - his best friend he's known for like 20 yr's - said "he had a long list" of people to invite presumably gotten from my ex. Since it's "normal" for my ex to remain "friends" after break ups AND he misconstrued my text that I was ok w/ being friends then in both their minds it's probably perfectly reasonable to invite someone he "cares" about even though no longer in a romantic way (???). His friend isn't involved in this so only knows what he's been told - which is the entire scenario I'm certain. I wouldn't ask him anything & force him into the middle of it. Although I am considering texting his friend & simply saying "thank you for the invitation I will not be able to make it" (or some other b.s.) as a courtesy to him. He doesn't even live here so I've never met him (so he's never done anything to me!).

I deserve this whole break up (& right now) to have been handled "better" but people can't always do everything "right" & I don't think he's been purposefully hurtful - honestly I think he just doesn't "know" any better. I think he is oblivious to the effects of his words & actions. Or maybe he just wants to do w/e will make him "look" or "feel" better about the situation. He "hates hurting people" so if I act as if I'm "ok" & we are "friends" - I would imagine that'd make him feel better about himself.

I wish I was never invited or even told this was occurring.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

My personal view, for what it's worth, is that the breakup is still to raw, and you clearly have complex emotional issues that still need to be dealt with over the breakup.

I think going to the party would be a step in the wrong direction and only serve to upset you more.

Send a birthday card to him, just explaining how you feel, and wishing him well, that's probably as far as I would take it. You don't have to mention anything about the surprise party.

It's not clear to me if the friend organising the party knows you've broken up with your ex. It may have been better if you simply hadn't been invited, although I assume you would have found out about it one way or another.

As for your ex's desire to maintain "friendships" with his ex's, well my current SO is similar, and it have to be honest I absolutely hate it.

Anyway, I think you know the answer to your dilemma. There will always be next years birthday, when you can take your current (new) bf along

ObW
X

[novice]

......... Your ex is now a part of your past, and going to his party would be inappropriate, not to mention desperate.

Stay away from your ex. For whatever reason, he wasn't happy with the relationship and has decided to move on. You need to preserve some dignity and self-respect and do the same.

I have no issue with what you've said except to say that my ex himself (essentially) invited me by putting me on the guest list (along with everyone else) for his best friend to call & invite me. I didn't ask to go nor would I EVER have known it even happened had the bestie not called me (he isn't even in the same city as we are). I had no knowledge of or expectation of going to my ex's B-day dinner.

I already intended to distance myself completely from him. This was out of the blue & has only served to reopen the already severe wound. I WISH I had not been invited period (or hadn't answered my phone but I didn't know who it was)!

[CellarDweller]

If you wish you hadn't been invited, then just don't go, it's that simple.

[novice]

"If you wish you hadn't been invited, then just don't go, it's that simple. "

I wish I were "ok" enough with things I could go w/o difficulty. What I hate is the stress of having to make the "right" decision - had I not known of the event I wouldn't have had a choice.

Now, I have to either regret not going (plus be sitting at home doing zilch alone during it) or risk going & feeling lousy afterwards (depending on how it went).

[swalter]

Why don't you make some plans to do something else on the day of his party? You have more options than "sit at home doing nothing", and "going to the party". From what you're saying, it sounds like your self-esteem and sense of worth is tied to this guy, and your past relationship with him. That's not healthy. I understand that he's the one who invited you, which was inappropriate on his part, but you shouldn't make it worse by attending. Go to a movie, or a museum, or something else than sit at home feeling like shit. The world doesn't revolve around this guy, and you need to take some steps to reestablish your personal sovereignty and identity. Maybe sometime in the future you can consider being friends, but for now you need to stay away from him and do your own thing.

[novice]

......... I understand that he's the one who invited you, which was inappropriate on his part, but you shouldn't make it worse by attending....

To me being friends w/ an ex is "logically" not a good idea & strange to me but apparently quite a few (esp. gay) guys do so. Unless or until way past the relationship & if neither person cares any more. BUT, if it's "typical" & "normal" to him why is it "inappropriate" to invite me? His best friend must've thought it wasn't a problem either (or at least didn't "talk him out of it"). I am probably not gonna go but honestly more so because I think/hope that'll surprise him more & make him wonder.

On the other hand I bet he, his best friend & many people who know him (& about the break up) will see my not coming after being invited as a "weakness" or "petty" rather than anything positive about me. (Rightly or wrongly).

Him not having deep feelings for me (ever or any more?) is probably why he can be friends w/ me w/o any problems plus I think maybe he thinks it's "helpful" to me, truly doesn't realize it's not such a good idea AND makes him feel "better" about himself (since "hey, see, everything's 'fine' - we're still 'friends' ").