What's on Your Mind

[Jay]

Two things...

I really, really like to talk because I'm talkative but not when I'm in the gym to train. I don't mind talking before I begin or after my workout. But not in the middle. Don't expect me to talk a lot, smile or even wave because I'm in my 'workout' mindset. I'm really focus when I'm in the zone. So expect a 'blank' or 'expressionless' face when I workout.I'm not being arrogant or such. I'm just 200% focused.

I like it when a guy is bold and brave enough to come forward to say hi and start a talk and then ask me out openly. I'm really not into guys giving hint or being shy. I'm a blatantly open, direct and honest person so I prefer a bold guy.

The only guy who dares to ask me out openly was a Scottish named Kian. He used to work in a company next to mine. He actually came to my office, pressed the office bell and asked for that particular guy who likes to wear a bow tie to work. He didn't know my name at the time. Then he asked if I would like to have a coffee with him. Of course I said yes. Unfortunately Kian returned to his country.

I asked a guy out named Keith (Irish) openly before - In a super crowded elevator, which wasn't the greatest idea. And oh yeah, I also asked a Norwegian guy named Scott. But i dropped him out as soon as I found out that he screwed up all of his employees by not paying their wages.Anyway there you go, that's how bold I can be.

So yes, I like bold guys.

[Jay]

...I just remember.

I also wrote a love letter to a guy. Three pages long.

And that as*hole read my letter out loud to all of his colleagues and boss in his office.

He was fired few months later. Karma, I guess.

So there you go. I'm really that bold.

[Insertnamehere]

^ Shit, you're an intense one aren't you [MENTION=21041]Jay[/MENTION]?

[LJay]

One of my goals this year is to finally learn to drive.

I've not learnt yet because a) never really needed to b) epilepsy

...however now that I live 4 hours away from my hometown (by train anyway), I'd like to drive so I can pop home on odd weekends, plus it's just nice to go see friends and explore (I'd guess it is anyway). Also my Mum will have to go through some treatment for a while and I want to be able to nip down and see her easily.

My train journeys are persistently overcrowded or late or I end up having unfortunate accidents, like when I had to push my bag into the overhead rack and my shower gel shot out, landing in someone's lap (awkward). Or my journey home at New Year, packed in like sardines, unable to move and someone's crutch stored above me dripping muddy water onto my head.

I've been seizure free for over a year and a half and feel fully in control now I'm on the right mess and know what caused them (stress, lack of sleep). So, I can apply for my provisional licence and did so. Today I got the papers back so I can authorise disclosure of my medical history.

I'm not sure whether I'll get it, but nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Too bad the trains are less than ideal, Ian. Here we have lousy train service and the city itself has sketchy bus service so a car is too much of a necessity. For a short while, I lived in Boston where the public transport is widely used. It was great!

If you are going to learn how to drive, consider a professional instructor. I did not drive until I was in college and the driving instructor was a great help rather than relying on a friend or family member. Much less stress.

Good luck with your mother's treatments. Hope all goes well. She is lucky to have your support.

[Jay]

^ Shit, you're an intense one aren't you @Jay?

Umm...is that a bad thing, [MENTION=23097]Insertnamehere[/MENTION]? Honestly, does it scare guys away? lol

All these stuff happened few years ago though. I was around 28/29 years old. I just came out and well, I was still young, energetic and excited of being myself for the first time.

I'm much low profile and laid back now. Still bold but not as in your face like I was in the past.

Before I came out and while I was still losing weight, I was a different person with different personality. I was still learning to have self esteem, confidence etc. Around 2007, I met a guy named Dylan Walker originated from San Diego. He was in his 50s at the time. He shared a lot of his stories - coming out, losing friends to AIDS, gay stuff in 70s and 80s...he taught me stuff to prepare myself and not to repeat his mistakes.

He then taught me to be outspoken and be confident with myself. He also assisted to improve my English fluency. He always joked on how he was able to corrupt and 'westernize' me. What he meant was Asians are typically shy and a bit reserved. I was like that and then I changed. I become confident, outspoken, open, direct etc. I'm still very much 'Asian-like' but as my friends described, 'very modern for a Malay and a Muslim (I'm agnostic but my background is Islam)."

Dylan was in your face type of guy. I remember talking to him after several months not seeing him. The first thing that he noticed and said to me, "Jay, your English fell off sharply. Not as good as before."

Bam.

I wasn't offended. He was right. I used to be fluent - speak and write properly. Nowadays, I become a bit, eh. I can still still speak and write properly but I'm just bit lazy. It's not just with English but even with local language (mother tongue). My fluency depends with who and to whom I speak/write to. My Indonesian accent only comes out when I speak to certain or random people.

One thing that I still haven't changed ... I'm quite naive. Almost everyone knows that. Not naive as in stupid kind of way but too innocent/kind that I can easily be exploited. I remember how my ex boss and colleagues had to protect me (around 2009/2010) because I just came out, way too naive and still learning about life. Throughout 2009 up until last year, I made so many mistakes. I 'allowed' people to use and exploit me. It happened once in this forum few years ago. Several members like PrinceAlbert and East probably still remember. I was so scared by my stupid mistake for helping a 'homeless' forum member that I deleted my GS account. Last year, I was used and backstabbed by a friend. A friend that I considered as my best friend. That was really painful. One of the reasons I went into depression.

And I went off topic again.

Sorry for babbling.

[Insertnamehere]

Umm...is that a bad thing, [MENTION=23097]Insertnamehere[/MENTION]? Honestly, does it scare guys away? lol

No I don't think it's bad.

As for scaring guys away, I'm pretty sure it will depend on the guy.

My comment was more of a "wow, he doesn't seem like that online" haha.

[starlight]

Crying with happy emotion :'( :')

[CellarDweller]

not much, right now.

[Insertnamehere]

La inmortalidad del cangrejo.

Probably cause I'm sleepy and I should go to bed or something.

[Jay]

So I went to the gym. That guy was there too. He was on the other side of the gym doing his cardio with elliptical machine whilst I was on the other side of the gym doing my own cardio on a treadmill.

Enough with cardio, I pressed the Stop button and stepped down from the treadmill. I went to another exercise machine to train my calves. The guy was still far away on the other side of the gym doing his thing.

I concentrated on my calf workout; staring down at my calves whilst doing muscle contraction. Finished. I looked up. There he was. He has changed his exercise machine. He was slightly closer to me but still a bit far. Okay, I thought.

I looked down again at my calves to do second set of muscle contraction. Okay, done. I looked up and he has moved to another machine, which is located closer to my machine. Hmm.

I looked down again. Did the same contraction thingy. I looked up and bam, there he was. He has moved to an exercise machine next to mine. He flexed his biceps several times between every set (He did four sets with the machine).

I was like, "Okay ..."

He didn't flex whatsoever when he was training with the other machines.

Anyway we didn't have a long chat today as both of us were busy training. But we did chat. A short one.

Probably means nothing but I thought it was funny.

I was informed that he has left the gym permanently.

He has been missing in action for quite awhile and then showed up unexpectedly for one last time on last Monday.

I was surprised to see him because I haven't seen him for quite some time He was talking to one of the gym personal trainers.

I proceeded to do my cardio on a treadmill. He showed up behind me on the last 20 minutes of my cardio (There's a big mirror behind the treadmill). He just stood there; flexing here and there for 5 minutes. I didn't stop to say hi because I was in the middle of my workout.

I wanted to say hi to him after I finished my cardio but he was surrounded by other guys. So I decided not to bother him. I continued to do a tire flip workout.

As I was exiting the gym, I saw him talking to another gym member. He saw me; he looked at me. My mistake as I didn't wave goodbye to him.

That was the last time I saw him.