08-16-2008, 04:50 PM
BiPenny Wrote:Thanks guys. I was a bit of a mess when I wrote that post. For those of you who don't know me too well, when I do mess I DO mess. I dont do things by halves.
I enjoy my 'down south' life so much, and all my family know that I lead this life, but they think I go round soho etc purely as a 'fag hag' :biggrin: .
I dont like to keep things from my parents, especailly my mum, but I dont want to upset the apple cart so to speak. I told my mum when I was having sex, not to start with but for a number of reasons, and her first words were 'I'm really dissapointed in you'. She didnt mean to hurt me but she really did. Thats the sort of thing I want to avoid. That and what I imagine will be inevitable questions that, considering my mum cant even SAY the word sex, will be awkward and embarrasing.
Feeling a bit more posotive on life today, will keep bobbling along but still not really sure!
Hello Penny,
I'm sure it's no parent's place to hear about their children's sex life, as it is no child's place to hear about their parents' sex life, but this said, it is a shame that two adults can't discuss sex in a less personal manner... after a medical programme or a social issue discussed on tv or in the papers.
What sprang to my mind on reading your posting was that we are often deeply affected (more than the people speaking seem to know) by things people say and which hit home in ways that they don't expect or fathom (your mother telling you how disappointed she was in you, for instance)(btw that could be the beginning of your conversation with her when you decide to do it; how you did not want to disappoint her etc...). Because you have not told your parents and family that you are attracted to both sexes, any remark or observation that they may make in that sphere could sound callous or even demeaning to you as a bi woman. Those words are often judgemental and not really founded in fact. But it makes us all the more uneasy as we cannot contradict or give our side of the issue when they don't know where our thoughts and opinions are coming from nor how they are nourished, or what spawned them.
What I really mean to say is that in my life I've experienced things said in a context where my parents or family had no knowledge of my gayness and these things have hurt deeply or left a deep impression on me, to the point of making my coming out sound less and less likely. We are still dealing with great prejudice in our societies, even though they are gradually changing to a little more acceptance, on the whole. I am sure none of our families realise what courage it takes to say the words (even to ourselves) that we are bi or gay, because it is something they will NOT have to deal with if they are straight. However, as for them it is no big deal to be straight, maybe they don't think it's such a deal to be gay either...
However, because being gay is slightly out of the norm, so coming out about your sexuality is a bit like admitting that you are an alcoholic, or someone with epilepsy, or that you've done prison time... Not really your run of the mill stuff, therefore no something easy to admit or come out with.
What Shadow said about us focussing on the negative before coming out is quite true. I believe we all try to see how others are going to think when we tell them, and the only way we can even guess how they are going to react or feel is through the words they've uttered previously. That is why I was never so surprised by my mother's attitude to Marshlander when I told her I was gay. I was more frightened of telling her about him because he once was a married man, and that, in her experience, she would have known it left a woman with a divorce on her hands, which is never pleasant for either party... I thought she would relate more strongly to those divorce matters than to my own happiness. I guess she preferred to focus on my happiness.
mile: What I'm saying here is that our parents can surprise us sometimes by their capacity for wanting our happiness and by their capacity to adapt to new situations, even if they may contribute to some unease at first. Maybe we should try to give them more credit for intelligence and social skills to deal with such a thing as their son or daughter being of a different persuasion?
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(i only know coz my *quiet* boyfriend told me - it really is always the quiet ones!!!)
