Getting this off my chest

[Softmachine]

Hi, I've been lurking here since I signed up; I've read a lot of interesting and supportive threads. I'll endeavour to keep this as short as possible (and hopefully free of self-pity, but I'm making no promises )

I'm currently in a hetero relationship, have been for three years now. We have our ups and downs, sometimes it's brilliant, other times I'm in despair. The latter is not so much to do with her but with my own feelings. As a teenager I couldn't ignore that I was attracted, sexually and emotionally, to both guys and girls. I went down the heterosexual route, and although it was satisfying and enjoyable, I knew that I also wanted to be with guys. So when I was 19 I finally plucked up the courage. I had a few hook-ups, most good (one really embarrassing). In the same year, I met an open gay guy at uni and we fooled around for a couple of months, although it was not a 'proper' relationship. We didn't try anal, just masturbation and oral, and it was great - and I loved hanging out with him. Since then, I had one more hook up (I have been tested, don't worry) and since then I've only been in straight relationships. Why? I mean, I knew that I was attracted to guys as well, I loved the sex I had experienced, and I knew it wasn't just a physical thing, not just a sexual novelty that would wear off with age. But it was easier to play to my hetreo side; nobody knows that I'm bisexual and although my family would be cool with it (Darwin bless liberal parents who were once hippies), I know quite a few of my friends would be shocked to say the least.

That doesn't bother me, but hurting my girlfriend does. Sometimes the urge has been so strong that I thought cheating would be the only way to release it, but I haven't cheated and I won't. She deserves the truth - I know this, but much harder to implement - and she has nothing but to deserve respect and love. Plus, more selfishly, when I do explore my gay side (sorry, that sounds terribly 1950s), I want it to be fun and totlly guilt-free; I would only feel guilty if I was cheating, and it would cast a black cloud over it. I'm just so scared of hurting her, of watching her cry and wonder what the hell she has done wrong (nothing) and how she can change (she doesn't need to and can't change into a man anyway). Sometimes I feel guilty just for thinking about guys, even if it's just fantasising about having a boyfriend and going out doing couplely things and cuddling and having dinner together, My body is with her, but my mind is frequently elsewhere.

Sorry, this isn't really an advice thread (although any would be appreciated), I know what I have to do, but it's probably going to be the hardest conversation of my life. I know too that I have to take this step for myself, I have to explore a gay relationship because as I say, it's not just a sexual thing, it doesn't go away when I cum. But the thought of exploring it throws up the question of whether I'll ever be satisfied with one partner or will I have to, at some level, compromise? I believe - or hope, maybe - that bisexualiy means that if I find 'the One' I will be so in love that gender won't matter. I hope. I don't think bisexuality is a 50/50 split, perfect and balanced, but I don't know whether mine is in favour of males or females. This I have to explore, or I'll never know and that and the fantasises and the longing will make me miserable and probably anyone around me too.

Rambling, sorry, I just didn't to write this down and get it off my chest. I know some other members are experiencing similiar dilemmas and issues, and of course here, we are not alone guys

[MikeW]

I'm not bisexual but I was in a ten year straight relationship from my mid 20s to mid 30s. I don't want to go into the details of that but it was an unusual situation. First, I was out to her and most everyone else. Second, it was weird because we were in love. The sexual aspect was the weakest part of the relationship, the emotional aspect the strongest. Even though we separated after 10 years, we remain best friends. We're like brother and sister now. I went on after that to have two gay LTRs.

I have a lot of empathy for bisexuals. All relationships (regardless of the orientation of the participants) are difficult and require work and maintenance to sustain. Ask any couple who've been together for more than a year or two. Straight couples have the normative support of the straight world. Gay couples don't have that. But bisexuals have the least support. How can you get your sexual needs met with one partner? Well, obviously, you can't… and since many women and gay men want monogamy in the relationship, they don't feel they can 'trust' a bisexual.

So, what to do? First let me commend you on your wish to be honest with your partner. This is the difficult route that many many men choose not to take. They partner with one or the other sex and cheat on the side. Personally, I couldn't live with that but obviously many men choose to do that rather than be honest. The reason, though, is understandable. Honesty is the most difficult path because it means that your partner is gong to *know* if you're having sex with someone else and they need to feel confident in the relationship enough to be 'ok' with that.

When I was in my 10 year hetero relationship, we had an understanding: 1) We could have other sexual partners; 2) we'd never lie to the other about what we were doing. Now, despite this agreement, I *chose* to remain monogamous. For me it was complicated but suffice it to say I felt that having sex with other men during this time would have made my life more difficult and so it was easier not to do it. My partner, on the other hand, did have a few (three as I recall) sexual encounters outside the relationship during those years. It was interesting because each time she went outside the relationship she'd come back and tell me how much she appreciated *me* LOL. She also encouraged me to find male sex partners, which was kind of interesting in itself, although I never did. (All this, btw, was pre-HIV--back in the 1970s, early '80s).

I'm trying to be supportive here but am limited because, despite my history, I don't (and never did) identify as bisexual. Some insist that if one *can* have sex with women then one *is* bisexual, but I disagree. I do think bisexuality can be a 'spectrum' but I don't really know. My sexual fantasies (for example) have never involved women. The only reason I was in a straight relationship is because the love came first, and only then did our bodies get involved. I was also young then, too, and so horny it almost didn't matter, LOL!

So I think being honest is the healthiest way to go. However, it isn't the easiest. Most (obviously not all) women (or gay men, for that matter) aren't going to be comfortable with it. On the other hand if there is love, communication and understanding it is possible. Rare, but possible.

Personally I'm of the opinion that most people have very narrow ideas of what is acceptable in terms of relationships and sexuality. Our society is not only heteronormative but also sets monogamy and couples up as the standard. But not all human sexuality fall into those normative patterns. There *are* ménage à trios and other constellations, although obviously more unheard of. Moreover, these 'norms' are a relatively recent invention in western Civilization (our ancient ancestors, especially the Greek and Roman ones, weren't so restrictive in their thinking).

All to say, good luck. It won't be easy but, hey, you never know. There are women who fantasize being with two men, just as there are men who fantasize being with two women. Probably far more common than most people know.

[Mark]

Hey welcome to GS and for finally posting.

I find that sometimes just writing down everything on your mind to explain to someone else can help more than we realise. You just get to write down everything that is on your mind and work from there. Like you said you know what you have to do so I don't think there is much advice to give. A few members like Mike have been in situations like this.

My only advice would be even though it will be one of the hardest things you've had to do.. You can finally be true to yourself and explore things in a more serious in-depth way - so with that in the darkest times.. remember there will be a brighter side where things aren't so bad. Keep posting on here and letting us know how its going.. you never know there might be some way we can help!

[HIkerSkier]

Sorry, this isn't really an advice thread (although any would be appreciated)

Advice: You have to talk to your GF about your feelings - now. It is not fair to her to be involved with someone who is secretly also attracted to men, and with her not knowing it. She may be afraid that you're a ticking time bomb - only a matter of time until you are all out gay. No one can say where things will go - and you don't give us much to go - but she may want to end the relationship if she wants to be with a strictly straight guy that she can count on to be there for along time for kids, etc, that she may want. Kids may not be a consideration - but unlike men, women have a biological clock that keeps on ticking. If she wants kids and is unsure of you, she has a limited amount of time to find a way to have them.

[Softmachine]

Thanks for your replies and support, I really appreciate it.

I can't say exactly how my girlfriend would react to my coming out as bi, but I know it would be the end of the relationship. It's easy to say, on my side at least, that it would be nice to remain friends, but I don't imagine that would happen. But I doubt my own feelings about this; would it really be beneficial for either of us to stay friends? I feel that I have betrayed her, if only by entering into the relationship without disclosing my true nature if you will. But perhaps in this in essence one of the problems of bisexuality, and I know a few other members on here have said this, that a lot of women probably wouldn't want to go out with a bi man, even if (as in my case, and I'm not claiming I'm a saint by a long way) I am monogamous. But, again, I'm being slightly presumptuous. As it is, I wouldn't stay in the same area, largely because I moved there because of her and my family isn't based anywhere near us, so I would move closer to them. There is a very strong pull to make a clean break, and I feel that would be the best for me. When it comes to this, there is a element of ruthlessness and selfishness that is necessary, although that doesn't justify cruelty or infidelity. I know this is going to be the hardest conversation of my life, but it's got to be done.

Marky said:

I find that sometimes just writing down everything on your mind to explain to someone else can help more than we realise. You just get to write down everything that is on your mind and work from there.

That's right and I wanted to get down everything I could at the time. I re-read my post and thought "Argh what a load of self-pitying nonsense, just bloody do it and stop whinging!", but at the same time it felt cathartic to write it all out, venting a bit before I have that talk. I don't want to lead her on anymore.

MikeW wrote:

They partner with one or the other sex and cheat on the side...

There a few reasons I don't want to cheat. Again, I'm not a saint, but I've never cheated on a partner, and wouldn't want them to cheat on me. It's horrible feeling betrayed or that you're not enough or inadequate in some way. Plus, I don't want that kind of guilt for a bit of pleasure, which would so much sweeter if I were doing it as a free agent or within a gay relationship. And then there's the sneaking around, deleting histories, secretive calls and texts, the fake smiles and kisses...no, that's not for me. It's a dirty double life, like being a bisexual secret agent.

An open relationship isn't really what I want. To be honest, I'd like to date guys, fool around, doesn't have to be serious-serious,, but a monogamous gay relationship is something I want. It annoys me when people assume that bisexuality is basically heterosexuality + some cock fun when one feels like it (or when it's her time of the month). This isn't something I can switch on and off, nor is it a vacation from women. The more I think about myself, the more gay I feel (I don't mean that to sound trivial), but from my experience, there's something I feel with men (not just a penis) that I don't with women - yet I still check out women, still fantasise about them, still think "phwoah yeah, she's alright!", although recently not as much. But maybe this is just my brain telling me to break up with her and seek pastures new by over-compensating.

MikeW wrote:

I do think bisexuality can be a 'spectrum' but I don't really know

.

I don't know either, but I have that thought as well. And I think one's position on the spectrum can shift throughout life.

I will keep you posted guys. Cheers.

[Softmachine]

HIkerSkier wrote:

If she wants kids and is unsure of you, she has a limited amount of time to find a way to have them

.

She doesn't want kids, as far as we've talked about it and we have now and then talked quite in depth about that. Her previous boyfriend confirmed that as well when we had a slightly surreal drunken chat one night. It's hard to tell whether that's all true though, whether she's hiding her true feelings about it or not. I've heard it from a couple of her friends as well. That aside, your advice is spot on.

I'm just going to add that I've gone away for a few days to see some friends. She couldn't come because she had other stuff on. This isn't really about the *situation*, I've let my mates down a few times already and couldn't really do it again. It's not a break or anything, but it has given me some breathing space.

[TwisttheLeaf]

My answer is pretty short but sweet.

I am bisexual. I've been with both sexes. I enjoyed both sides of the coin.

In my experience, when you find that someone that's the -right one-? You just don't feel like you're missing anything anymore. There is no urge to wander, not to others of the same sex as your partner or to others of the opposite sex.

I'm sorry to break it to you, but based on my experience, you haven't found "the one" (or one of the ones) that you're meant to be with yet. Or you wouldn't be tempted to stray.

Mike is also right in that bisexuality is often a spectrum. Most lean more one way or the other (For example, I like women, but I'm -more- interested/attracted to men. My sister, who is also bi, leans more towards an attraction to women.) This is not to say that you can't be balanced more in the 50/50 range. That doesn't negate what I've said above tho.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

As someone who suppressed his gay feelings and hid far back in the closet with the doors bolted shut for many years, I can tell you this from experience:

It will be far easier and less emotionally devastating for her if you make the decision to be truthful with her now than a few years down the road if you get married, have kids and continue to hide your true feelings.

After 15 years of marriage and two kids, I was starting to become an emotional zombie within the relationship, and when I eventually broke down and told her it was like a tsunami hit not just her but the kids as well. It was devastating for everyone involved and took several years to recover from. We didn't divorce for another 4 years.

Even now, some 13 years later, I have huge guilt trips about the whole situation. It's taken almost 10 years for us to re establish a friendship and we now talk regularly.

ObW
X

[VidasParalelas]

It's good you haven't cheated on your girlfriend but I think you should tell her what you're dealing with internally. If she is going to love you she needs to accept all of you or it may be best to part ways. I'm sorry to sound harsh but you're perpetuating a lie by coasting through your current relationship and withholding from your girlfriend.

Good luck.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

The underlying issue here is not bisexuality.

The problem is humans are not designed for live long monogamy, if anything humans are designed for serial monogamy. Short term relationships that last long enough to typically insure the survival of the DNA and the offspring of such unions.

I believe the average length of a LTR is 7 years. That would correlate to human development. A 7 year old child is far better to manage on its own, feed itself, clothe itself and does not require the physical presence of two parents to tend to its needs.

Biologically speaking, males are short term parents: http://news.sciencemag.org/social-scienc...stosterone

Monogamy is not natural for humans. The very shape of your penis and how long humans do that furious pumping action is all designed to suck out competing semen. The size of the testes is larger than on more monogamous - linked species, thus ability to deposit more semen to win the war with competing semen with sheer numbers.

Your body is conspiring against you when it comes to life-long commitment to one individual.

Compatibility between you and potential mates is by and large determined by your needs for your DNA to survive. So there are many short term relationships where a couple ends up splitting at the earliest time simply because the two are not well suited for each other.

THOSE are the factors really at play here.

This whole 'I'm a bi man who would like to do a gay relationship' aspect here is a minor role player. You have fixated on it because it is a possibility for you, however it really isn't the underlying cause of your desire to end what you have and move on.

If you were 100% straight you most likely would be struggling to maintain this current relationship - sure you may have some other reason to rationalize the struggle in your mind, but the underlying cause would be basic biology and the small fact that you love her, but love is not enough.

Humans suffer from the Grass is Greener syndrome. Due to its rather small (but remarkably powerful) bit of brain that can rationalize and explain away the larger, older animal part of the brain, humans are constantly looking at the fence and seeing the grass on the other side as being greener. Its the same grass, and most likely has more fire ants and other horrors hidden (the fence exists not so much to keep you in, but to keep other things out).

Your thoughts to this point is spinning on potentials and based on what you think you are missing.

You need to examine this relationship you are in as a relationship and stop putting the gay thing there and really, truthfully approach how satisfying this relationship is regardless of the gender aspect.

Gay relationships have as many (if not more) issues than straight relationships. There is a reason why the majority of members here are single not in a relationship.