Came out to a friend, his behavior hurts me

[Davis]

So I came out to my friend, we used to be classmates. it was hard for me to do that, but I did, as we are or at least we were very good friends. He looked at me strangely and was like "ok, I don't care what you do with your life, just don't try to come onto me".

So he didn't say anything that bad, but what he said hurt me. He's always been quite liberal so I thought he'd be more supportive. Now I feel that his attitude has changed. He speaks to me, but I feel he doesn't really want to. He doesn't smile and laugh in my presence anymore. When I ask what's wrong, he says nothing is wrong.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell this to get it off my chest

[Mark]

The thing is you couldn't keep lying or pretend to be someone your not. Im sorry this happened as your friend seems to be a bit of a dick and its a bad reaction which can't be nice to go through at all. But if your friend can't accept you for you then he isn't much of a friend to start with.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

It may just be his nervous reaction to news he wasn't expecting, and to hide his shock he made a joke of it.

My advice would be not to change anything you do in the friendship at this stage, but give him a few days then just ask him about it, and to make sure he understands that you don't want anything to change between you, and also make it clear that "he's not your type" - and yes, lie if you have to.

On the other hand, if he still reacts in a negative way, well he clearly wasn't the friend you thought he was.

Unless you have sounded people out beforehand on their attitude towards LGBT rights etc. you are never going to be 100% sure how individuals will react.

However, that aside, congratulations on actually taking the step to come out to him

Well done.

ObW
X

[TwisttheLeaf]

I'm sorry that your friend seemed to take the news a little off. I had a friend in college that reacted that way. Not that I was ever -in- the closet, and I'm not sure how he missed that I'm into guys, but when I eventually came out and said.... "uh, dude. I'm in to guys as well as girls." he acted a bit off at first.

It took a while. It was almost like, for a while afterwards he was worried I looked at him "that way" and he worried about it, about me hitting on him or pining for him or whatever.

Over time, when my own behavior remained the same and steadfast, he returned back to normal. It just took him time to adjust, and be reassured he wasn't..... I dunno, going to wake up to me spooning his ass or something, I guess.

[Wade]

Sorry, my eyes must be going. I thought you said you came out to a "friend." Clearly I'm not reading that right.

Well, like OBW said, congrats on your courage, truly.

Your friend's a dumbass. My knee jerk reaction is to suggest that you tell him to go fuck himself for being such an egocentric douche. Maybe you should've said "No, don't worry. I'm only attracted to kind people." Or "You're right, this really is all about you."

The problem I have with this kind of behavior is that the friend in question, and people like him, think that they're doing you a favor by allowing you to be friends with him/them in spite of their discomfort. Well, maybe you switch it up on him. Let him know that he'll get the privilege of remaining friends with you once he understands how shitty of thing to say to you that was.

Then again, I am admittedly using your situation to vent my own frustration at a near identical situation that happened between me and my friend when I came out, so my advice isn't coming from a mature or calm place.

Oh shit. I just figured it out. I know what you do! Next time you see him, don't say anything. Just stare deeply into his eyes. (Tip: this will be easier if you move him into a corner with no doors) Then hold out your arms and motion gently for him to close in for a hug. When he starts to nervously dart around looking for an escape that's when you grab him tight into the most intense heterosexual hug of his and your life. Then just whisper "It's not your fault. It's not your fault" a la Good Will Hunting. He'll struggle, that's to be expected. Don't let it phase you. Just keep holding tight until he submits weeping big salty tears on your shoulder.

Then slap him, call him a fag and never talk to him again.


.... or be the bigger man and just know that while he's ignorant, he probably doesn't deserve a slap in the face. It's not as fun, but it's probably the right choice.

[East]

My thought when I read this...maybe you brought up a subject for him that he tries not to think about himself.

[Bhp91126]

First of all a heartfelt Congratulations on coming out to your friend. Sorry, that your coming out didn't go as well as you had hoped and that your friend's reaction hurt you. I guess, coming out to your next friend, you will be prepared for this question and can make a joke about it. "Hell no, you're like a sister to me, I would never come on to you"

If you're coming out in a one on one situation with a male friend, him seeing you struggling with the news, being nervous, I think it is quite natural for him to assume you're also coming on to him as well or at least hope for a "me too, let's fcuk". So adding some language about not being interested in him "that way" might be helpful

If this was your first coming out, that also was your hardest and most difficult. From now on it will get easier and easier. You're on your way and nothing can stop you now.

One day you might just point at a hot guy near by and tell your straight friend, who just raved about some hot chick: "I'd do him"

[ChadCoxRox]

Some of the best of friends can truly be dicks. I know you can't go back to that moment but just imagine the timing if you'd immediately replied, "don't sweat it dude, not even in your dreams." He may yet prove to be a good friend. Don't risk loss by fear after having faced the biggest fear of all. If it works out let him know straight up you need real friends and you want to clear things up between you or just move on. I'm glad you shared your bold move!

[James]

just like parents have to adjust sometimes, friends sometimes need to also, I would not scrap your friend just cause he reacted this way, give it a little time and see if he becomes more accepting, you are the same person you were, Jim

[Uneunsae]

Some straight guys assume that you are going to hit on them just because you are gay is if being gay means you want to have sex with every man alive.