Just a hookup for me, something more for him

[Anonymous]

So I'm usually not into hook-ups, but some time ago I went to the gay club and there I met this guy. He's actually not my type at all, I like brunets and he's blonde, but somehow I liked him very much. We both liked each other and so we went to his place and had very nice and hot sex.

Next morning I got up to leave and he asked for my phone number. I asked why does it need it and he said he'd like to meet me again, to have a cup of coffee together or something. He seemed like a nice guy and I thought that maybe some kind of friendship might grow out of it. I gave him my number and the next day we had lunch together and some more times. We talked and got know each other closer and then he asked if I have a boyfriend. I said I don't and he said he'd like very much to be my man. He claimed he's been looking for somebody to spend his life with for a long time. I was flattered that he has appreciated me and seen a potential boyfriend in me, however I said I'm not interested. I'm not a relationship person, never had them, I need lots of freedom and private life. I don't want to share my life with anyone and yes, you might also say that I'm immature and careless person. But I'm satisfied with my life.

I offered him to be friends, but he says it's not enough. Then I said that we probably shouldn't see each other again, because he apparently wants something I cannot give him, but he said I wants to see me and he likes a me a lot and wants to be my partner. I like him too, but I don't want to be together with him. That's too much for me. He's a very nice person, but I don't want a boyfriend. I also offered him to meet for just sex, he doesn't want that, he wants complete relationship. He says I'm important for him. I don't want to hurt him, but how to refuse him in a way he understands nothing will be between us?

[princealbertofb]

I don't know, as it seems that you've spelt it out for him, once, twice, and still he's not getting the message. It would seem that the best way to deal with it would be either not to see him again, or to break his heart (I know, this is a harsh one). Maybe he needs to see that you need that freedom, and that you aren't the 'marrying kind'... Go out and hook up with someone else and let him know it's happened, or is happening. I don't know if he needs to have his nose rubbed in it to understand the sort of freedom you need. The sooner he gets the message, the sooner he can get into a relationship with the kind of man he deserves and the kind of man who can give him that relationship.

Have you got anyone in your circle of acquaintances that you know is looking for such a relationship? Maybe you could introduce them and see how they get on?

In the meantime, maybe he doesn't quite get the concept of friends with benefits, which is what you two are for the moment.

It would really be better for him if you set him free to go looking for that special guy, so maybe stop doing the sex, because it's not making it any easier to let go of you... I'm guessing.

[princealbertofb]

I'm also thinking that maybe it's not a good idea to stay overnight at his place when you do have sex. Maybe it should be sex, a shower and then you're going home. He'll get the message better that way. If you stay the night, he can always fantasize that you'll be there in the morning for years to come.

[ChadCoxRox]

Without more context it is impossible to give an effective reply. A bit too anonymous and black and white for discussion even.

[Anonymous]

I told him already I'm no interested in long relationships, however he says everyone wants someone next to them. I guess I'm different.

Unfortunately I don't have anyone in my friends that would look for serious relationships.

[artyboy]

Simple if you dont want to be with him thats that.

I been there once and its easier to cut all ties and let it be.

[princealbertofb]

Write him a letter, I mean a letter with pen and paper. Sometimes written words stick more to the receiver's mind. Try to explain the sort of life you need, and maybe you can even tell him why you feel that way, if you know... but basically, the seed of your message is not falling in arable land so far.

[princealbertofb]

A gay club is probably not the right sort of place for him to be looking for such a guy as he's looking for. Tell him so. Sometimes people go to those places hoping they'll find someone, and sometimes they do, but mostly, they'll just find people who are looking for a quick fix and a bit less loneliness, but it's not the right place to go looking for a lifetime partner. Try to encourage him to go to other places, maybe places where he would find someone with a similar interest as himself, something like a choir, or chorus, or a drama group, or a gardening group, or a hiking group, ...
That's where he's most likely to find someone who will match his expectations.
How old is this man?

[TwisttheLeaf]

How blunt were you?

Some people? You have to be blunt. Brutally, honestly blunt. Face forward, "holy shit I think I'm going to crush his soul" type of blunt.

With some people? They just plain don't get it unless you are.

Tell him in no uncertain terms what **exactly** you will accept. And tell him if he can't deal with that, then there's nothing there for either of you. It's an ultimatum, but it's also being honest.

[meninlove]

Anonymous, you said, " I said I'm not interested."

I'm not a relationship person, never had them, I need lots of freedom and private life. I don't want to share my life with anyone and yes, you might also say that I'm immature and careless person. But I'm satisfied with my life."

Did you also tell him the second, third and fourth sentence? If not, I think you should.