Pix Wrote:Gay guys like GUYS, not chicks. So they're attracted to guys, not femmes. Generally speaking, of course, some don't care as long as you got the equipment, pheromones, etc. And not all gays are sluts, though I think you'll see a lot more of it because there's a lot less social forces preventing it (as in women who want to nest and tend to expect "commitment" more than a man, but also society preventing marriage which also prevents people from "settling down").
On top of that there's a "boy code" that affects even many gay men which says a man isn't supposed to be too effeminate, and they can crush such tendencies in themselves and not want to be seen with men who don't do the same. And others just have the misguided notion that if gay men "acted like men" that they'd then be accepted by those who hate them (ha!). And to adopt a "submissive housewife" role is seen as degrading and can also be hard for such a guy to give respect to another man who does that, which can make it hard to commit to that guy.
Finally, many men feel that "housework doesn't count as real work." It damn well should since many people couldn't afford professional help that does all that. Nevertheless, it's "not counted" and thus when a man stays at home another gay man (and even plenty of women who should know better) feel that such a man is taking advantage of the sitch and being carried by the partner (that is, the "housewife" is using him).
I'm pretty sure you're also exaggerating the number of the guys you describe (and btw, just because someone is into "50/50" doesn't mean he's a slut who can't commit) as plenty of people in the gay community do lean toward "classic roles" just as many straight people have become more "liberal" (granted, it's rare to find it like in Leave it to Beaver, but that's just as true among straights as well). But sometimes all it takes is one person to criticize for another person to feel the entire world is coming down on them (and never mind those who are supportive and the vast majority who just don't care), and in this case when you'd have a lot of guys not having compatible interests as you then I can see how it seems to be 99%+.
And interesting choice in your phrase of "create your own rules." But they have the right to seek their own happiness as much as you seek yours.
I dont think youre getting what Im saying, Im a man and I act like a man but I do like guys who are softer and submissive, it doesnt mean they have to be chicks. And I dont see the housewife role as degrading. What you and other say about variety is right, but my question in the OP is still valid.
I think that kind of relationship is totally fine if both men come to an agreement, and are, well, happy. That's essentially the key point. I don't think you should look down on people who don't want this type of relationship though, it's what they have decided for themselves, and thats perfectly okay, too.
Personally, I would like to be in a relationship where me and my partner would both be equal, although I do see myself being more submissive in certain circumstances. However, a monogamous relationship is a must. My stomach hurts at the thought of ever being in any other type of relationship. I'm quite a jealous person...
memechose Wrote:My BF and I talk about this all the time cuz we've been totally monogamous for 5 years in spite of being 16 times zones apart for a few more months. It hasn't been easy but we do it and like what it's done for us. When I think about cheating on him I don't worry about what he'll think. I worry about what I'd think of myself for doing it. He'd forgive me. I wouldn't be able to.
Most of our gay friends (here and where he lives) are either in less than monogamous relationships or single serial daters. Watching them we've decided guys up living that way because they just don't even move past seeing the world in terms of "me" or "you" and really started seeing through the eyes of an 'us". Jay and I just fell into thinking in terms of "us" instead of ourselves as individuals. It's become part of our 'language.' --- "Us needs you to clean out the closet to make room for stuff that belongs to me." "if you feel like driving me it might be good for us to get out for awhile." The "us" treats the "you" and "me" like regular employees who deserves bonuses sometimes for the extra work they do for the "us." The more we put into working for "us" the more generous "us" is to the employees.
It's stupid but it works great for "us."... and me and him.
There's no male/female division of labor for us. He's the brains and planner. I'm the brawn and Mister Fix-it. I'm good at solving problems, making things work. Thanks to the wonderful internet he can look at my bank account and tell me how much I need to save for the next month to do what "us" wants. I've typed edited and proofread his papers for college (which helps me learn his field of study) He's helped me study for for tests by quizzing me through Skype (it's not just for sex you know) I've sat right here at my computer and talked him through putting a fan belt on his car. He shops on line for clothes for me and then tells me what I owe before they arrive.
As far as the "being protective" issue goes. It's mutual but in different ways. I'm physically protective of him and won't even let him climb a ladder. I'm not jealous or possessive but all it takes for me to huff up is for someone to disrespect him. He can flirt all he wants to and I really like seeing him do it.
BUT if a guy flirts with me Jay's protective instincts kick in and he's not being jealous or possessive when he does it. He's from a huge city and is street smart. I'm a trusting country boy who has trouble telling a crack whore from a from an anorexic model under bar light. LOL.
Also I'm not all that big about being affectionate in public or in front of people. But my drug of choice is having him grab my arm and throw it over his shoulder when he wants it no matter where we are. When that happens I'm the happiest guy on earth, (but I let him think he is) Doing that is like him yelling out "I want to belong to you." All I do is go along with it just to keep the peace and make him happy .... (RIGHT!)
Wow, this makes me have hope that one day I can have a relationship like this. You guys sound perfect for each other
David3K:
After reading this entire thread, I think i have a solution: Simply take your original question and turn it into your online profile. It sounds like you know EXACTLY what you're looking for in a life-partner - so post it!
Guys who "get" what you're looking for and are interested in you - will reach out to you!
As an aside, i prefer to use "personal strengths" over "role." I know my strengths and weaknesses. I looked for (and found) a partner who's strengths offset my weaknesses and in me he found strengths to offset his weaknesses. (NOTE TO ALL YOU LITERAL ZIPPER-HEADS: the weaknesses i refer to are NOT physical or mental defects or laziness - they are personality traits). For example: my partner LOVES a clean house and does NOT see doing housework as a chore - it's something he enjoys doing and takes pride in. While i've never been a slob, his "strength" in this area made it easy for him to take on house keeping chores. Conversely, my hubby suffers from analysis-paralysis. He has a tendency to over-think things and so struggles with making decisions. I, on the other hand, have the ability to gather all the pertinent facts about an issue, quickly run the options and come to a decision. Thus, my strength helps in this area. NOTE: We had long discussions about such things (more than noted here) so we both understood and accepted how we divided and/or handled every issue from money to family to careers to sex and intimacy.
ok. Firstly every couple is different. Personally I like being housewifey in relationships, not because I agree with conventional gender roles (because they are a load of crap) but I just enjoy cooking and am quite submissive in nature. (i know that sounds stupid) There are couples who like to have both being in the middle and of course that's fine too. I don't think being a certain way makes you more like a woman, because I don't believe in confining women either and of course everyone is equal. (not sure if this is clear)......basically different strokes for different folks!
I think the conservative roles in relationship are changing among straight couples too. Women are becoming much more self-sufficient than before. So I can imagine those conservative roles to be even less in gay relationships. I think it's possible to find but probably harder perhaps in your culture (liberal culture). I know in some cultures, you wouldn't have a hard time finding one.
Come on, guys... I think some of the people who have responded are overreacting a bit to David's question. Just a teeny, tiny bit. It's odd, because some of the responses almost sound like the OP personally insulted them. You don't fit "his mold," yes, but I don't think he wanted you to, because it's quite clear you're not the type he's looking for. He was simply asking if there are still gay guys out there that have, want, and/or value this "old fashioned" dynamic = one who brings home the bacon, the other one who stays at home as the househusband. I personally don't see the problem in a relationship like that, as long as both parties want that kind of relationship, why not? If it works, it works, you know? In the same vein, I don't see a problem in 50/50 relationships, in open relationships, and so on, even though I know some of these type of relationships will never work for me.
I think part of the issue here is, if the responses in this thread are of any indication, even some gay people tend to picture out "husband and wife" and "masculine and feminine" when it comes to the kind of gay relationship OP brought up. Does that have to be the case, though? Just because one stays at home to clean, cook, etc. doesn't mean that guy is the "feminine" one. You don't need a vagina to know how to clean the house or how to use the oven. lol Also, someone brought up that it could be seen by some people as "degrading," but that's an issue with the observers, which is irrelevant (unless you care about what other people think), not the one being observed who likely doesn't mind fulfilling that kind of role in the relationship he's in. Besides, it's hardly degrading at all! Heck, even some stay-at-home moms would strongly argue that "being stay-at-home is full time work," because you know full well it is.
David, those type of men still exist, I'm sure. Wink, wink, wink. You're probably just looking in the wrong places, or have been unlucky.
Gays and relationship roles.
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(RIGHT!)
