Becoming a scared parent...

[Adam]

My BFs younger sister has been in and out of trouble for most of her life. After her most recent arrest on drug charges, DFS stepped in and took custody of her 3 year old son. My BF works in law enforcement and is all too familiar with the horrors of the foster care system. He got temporary custody --- but now she has been sentenced to 3 years in the state prison, so this is turning into a longer term thing.
The thing is, my BF works a lot of hours with a pretty insane schedule, so a lot of the child care has fallen to me. And I am NOT complaining, I have come to love the little rugrat lol --- the clinic where I work has an onsite daycare center, so things are working out. But sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed. How do I know what a kid needs and what if I do the wrong thing and screw up his life?
This is a whole new experience for both of us - but we are both committed to trying to give this kid a decent life.
The social worker overseeing his case is aware that we are a gay couple planning to be married soon. She says she feels that keeping the child with biological family is important and we have both been investigated and vetted and approved.
I don't even know what this post is about, except I'm scar. I'm scared of failing the child and I'm scared this will somehow affect our relationship.
Any thoughts?

[Borg69]

Kids don't come with instruction booklets. Just do the best you can and hope it's good enough - like the rest of the parents. Raising kids isn't for everybody. There are plenty of people out there who probably shouldn't have the kids they do. If you love your BF, and love this child, just do the best you can and talk to other parents if and when you have any questions. If you feel your parents did a good job, talk to them for advice.

Sounds like you're doing a great job so far though - I'm sure the kid is a lot better off with you guys than how he was taken care of.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Good. You should be scared, terrified, frighten to near death. You should be laying in bed each night trembling a cold sweat over a lot of the responsibility that comes with rearing a child.

Because it is a huge responsibility that has long term consequences and everything you do and say will mold this child into whatever type of human it becomes.

Understand I'm not trying to terrify you to giving up here, I'm trying to impress upon you that you are feeling the right set of emotions here for a very good reason.

Most parents who are good to awesome have a lot of fear when it comes to raising their offspring. It is a daunting task. Granted most of them hide their fear, slap on the confident parent mask. But occasionally they find someone to confess to and they list off the same list of concern/worry/fears/dreads.

I'm sorry but children, unlike that flashlight I bought a couple weeks ago, do not come with owner's manuals. Most new parents just wing it while trying to find as many answers as possible always attempting to stay one step of the fast development of the child in their care.

You are doing a good job, you are feeling the right things.

Understand there is a certain level of fear to be expected. If you are being paralyzed by this fear then it may be time to seek help. Go ahead, ask the Social Worker how much fear do others in your situation have. Her answers may surprise you.



I strongly suggest you and your partner make a serious effort of having a weekly conversation hour where you focus on the needs of the child and then the needs of each other as a couple. That will tend to sort out a good deal of potential issues before things get out of hand.

I would also suggest you form at least one close relationship with a third party who is NOT a parent that you can go to, spout off stuff and rant and have them give you the sage advice of an outsider looking in. Unfortunately too many parents cope this attitude that because you are not a parent you have nothing of value to add. That is usually far from the truth. The perceptive from the outside can be a valuable tool for any parent as long as that parent is able to give the idea(s) some merit and recall their own era of 'before I was a parent I thought......'

You are just like any other new parent. Few people have real experience in child rearing when they get their first kid.

Being the wise old elf I freely admit I do not envy your position.

However I do envy you as well.....

Yeah its complex.

[MikeW]

Actually, I disagree with Bowyn on the lying awake sweating bullets part, LOL!

IMO, *the* most important thing is to see the boy for who he is and love him as unconditionally as you can. That doesn't mean you have to let him get away with anything. It's just more of a matter of understanding 'who is there' in front of you; and understanding that the 'who' will grow, develop and change through time.

Short of traumatizing a child severely, humans are actually fairly resilient. All sorts of stuff happens to us as children that we get over (more or less). *Some* things leave scars (not having a mother who loves you enough to be responsible for you, for example). But even deep wounds like this can heal, although the scar may still be there and 'show up' in unexpected ways. What you're there to do is help this child grow into a responsible adult. NO parent ever does that perfectly. So, lighten up. *Enjoy* it as much as you can.

Other suggestions made, like keeping an open dialogue with your partner, are important ones.

[AlohaShannon]

Like Mike said, no one parents perfectly. And yes, what you do and say will have positive as well as negative effects. Children learn to deal with social issues by watching parents (yelling when they don't get what they want for example or raising the voice in anger at others) but they also learn how to express their love. Children need to feel safe, they need unconditional love, they need boundaries, and they need consistency (just a short list).

There are resources that can help you but don't let your parenting be defined by a book. Oh, and NEVER discipline the child when you're angry.

[CellarDweller]

there are many ways to parent a child. You'll find a way that works for you. Just remember that a child needs love and security. If you can provide that, you are doing fine already.

[James]

Lots of good advice, please discuss what boundaries to set for the child as he grows, you both have to be uniform in this, discuss with your partner what you both liked and disliked about the way you were raised, this sometimes helps give direction. But yes unconditional love always, never put restrictions on the love for the child at any age, you can dislike what they do at times, but never dislike the child.

[MikeW]

Not sure why this thread has been on my mind but a couple things occurred to me. First, I would think that child services would have parenting resources available. Second, what's going to happen when the mother is released? Will she regain custody? If so, how is that going to be for you and your partner? You needn't answer that question, would just be hypothetical anyway. Just something to think about and talk about with your partner. It would certainly be on my mind.

[Adam]

The thing is that the Dept of Family Services in our state is AFU in huge turmoil after 3 kids supposedly under their supervision died - one of them killed by the mom and her BF. They are being investigated because many of the social workers have outrageous and unmanageable case loads. We are on some kind of wait list for parenting classes but the impression I got was not to hold my breath. I was talking to one of the women who runs the daycare at my work, and she was going to look into private sector resources for us.
I honestly have no idea what will happen when my BFs sister gets out of jail --- I guess we've been too focused on the immediate to think about that. It's family, so we would still be in his life no matter what.
He seems remarkably well adjusted for a child who was neglected and borderline abused --- we just want to be sure we do the right things.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Parenting classes... Hmm.

https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=mal...ng+classes

Real easy to find them. Finding one that you agree with may be a bit more difficult. Since there are different paths in the road of parenting - its that lack of an owner's manual.

LGBT resources: http://adoptuskids.org/for-families/stat...sachusetts

Seems like most of that is pushing you toward the state agency, however there is a phone number and email addy there:

Adoption and Foster Care Information

888-200-4005
[email protected]


They have an online community page: http://adoptuskids.org/join-the-conversa...-community


If I were to ever grow a pair and foster/adopt or even do the old fashion method of having a child I would become more active in my church. While I am technically Anglican I am a kinda/sorta affiliated with the local Methodist Church which is tolerant and gay affirming and there are several parenting couples and individuals who most likely would be happy to assist me in some small way.

Then there is just the resources of that church which is very active in my community. They have day care, and toes in many doors to assist parents in the community with all ages of children, and homeless and the sick and the...

Aside from the Jebus thing, many churches do have support groups and other sort of interesting community related things such as day care, and parenting classes and the like. Finding a church that is active in the community isn't that hard. And finding one that is LGBT tolerant/Affirming is far easier with this site:

http://www.gaychurch.org/find_a_church/

The alternative to parenting classes is the Local Public Library. It would appear that books in the range of 649 are of the parenting kind. It was a common thing for parents to read on the subject between laundry loads of diapers and 3 AM feedings back in the day. I suspect it may help a bit.

Plenty of LGBT Parenting forums are on the net as well: https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=LGB...ing+forums


As for children who have gone through neglect/abuse - most tend to behave like much hasn't happened. However most have internalized a lot of stuff and it is still there and will affect their later development to one degree or another depending on the form of abuse/neglect and their age.

Since this is a three year old, he is only through half of the critical early development stage and you can off set a great deal of the damage that mom may have caused.

He may actually be displaying behaviors which may be unhealthy.

EXAMPLE: Reluctance to touch or be touched (hugged/held/comforted) needs to be nipped in the bud now. Sadly infants denied touch end up having issues later in life with healthy bonding with another human being. At three years old you can still do the bonding thing with him and get him past most of the potential issues and get him to the point where he can still do the bonding thing. Later in life that can't really be undone.


Thus you may want to touch bases with a child psychologist to get a general feel for his over all health on the emotional/mental level. Its difficult since I doubt he is able to fully form complex concepts at this time, but there may be a few things a therapist can warn you to look for in behaviors that are indicative of pain he may be feeling (yet unable to express).

While there are sites out there that cover behavioral issues in young children who have been abused, sadly most just focus on sexual abuse thus may not be helpful in figuring out if neglect or other forms of abuse have left an impact.

Do not underestimate the power of love. A loving, stable home environment can undo a lot of damage.