Play Date...?

[DerJack]

Hey guys, and gals, I haven't been on in several years I believe (wow!) but I could really use some advice.

I've been seeing this guy for about eight months, I absolutely adore him, and have more than regularly considered to be in love with him, and vice versa. As of late our sex life has all but died. This has left me woefully frustrated... And caused more than a few handfuls of arguments. After apologizing for another fantastic early morning bout via text he sent this:

Why don't you find someone to play with? I'm sorry I've had no libido. Just find someone for mutual bj or something. I'm open to it

I feel really weird about this. As those of you who may remember me know, I'm pretty strictly monogamous. I have kind of mentally accepted the idea of sex with another along with my partner, but completely outside the relationship is difficult for me to grasp, even if it's okay with my partner.

I just don't know what to do, on one hand it seems like a nice offer on his part, but something I don't know if I could do, and on the other I figure that he's just at a lull and someday it'll end.

I mostly am just posting simply to have an outlet, but I am curious for anyone else's perspective. Anyone else been in this situation before, what happened, how'd everything turn out?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Like you I am pretty strict with the monogamy thing.

In my last relationship I went 12 years without sex working under the assumption that neither of us was having sex. It worked rather well. Sure not 100% as nice as having regular sex with my partner, but we had the other stuff, cuddling, snuggling, companionship, etc.

If you find the idea of sex outside of the relationship being untenable, I would suggest not trying it. It most likely will end up being one of those things that end up festering and being a problem in your relationship. Even if he is OK with it, how you view it, and all of the potential emotions that you may feel linked to it can have some impact on your relationship.

If you do decide to give this a try, then I strongly suggest you two talk a lot more about the implications. He may have given you the nod, but you may need a bit more certainty than just one conversation.

[TwisttheLeaf]

I would be.. a bit taken aback by the suggestion. And if you feel the same, maybe you need to assure him that even as frustrated as you might get sometimes, you love him and you only want to be with him.

That said, I think you might want to ask him to go and get his testosterone tested. It sounds like there might be a slight (or not so slight) imbalance there. Or possibly he's started taking a medication that is affecting his libido?

Couples counseling is also an option.

Some people (myself included) go through phases with their libido. There are times when I'm voracious and can't get enough, and times when I really have no interest in sex at all. That said? It's better to get things checked out than let them lie and hurt the relationship and partner that you care so much about.

[East]

Hi Jack! Welcome back! Long time no see...I left and came back since I last saw you....

I think maybe you need to help him figure out why the libido is low. It could be physical or psychological and the only way to figure it out is to be able to address it and communication is the key to that. Sometimes guy's need a little "help" talking about it as it isn't always an easy topic for men.

It could be low testosterone...or side effects from medication...or a psychological block...these thing can be overcome but you need to have a dialogue in order to address them....

Be gentle

[AlfredM]

I just don't know what to do, on one hand it seems like a nice offer on his part, but something I don't know if I could do...

I think you should experiment on this "I don't know if I could do" thing.

...and on the other I figure that he's just at a lull and someday it'll end.

And what if he's not and it doesn't? Which might be something you have to live with.

Personally,I hope that your partner could get some help for his lack of libido,but if it happens that it doesn't work out,then you might have to consider having an open relationship if you really wanna be with him and fulfill your sexual need.

Oh,and welcome back~

[Virge]

Hi DerJack.

I usually don't give advice on hearing half the story..but your story hits home.

I'm pretty new here. I'm a pretty big advocate of optimism, monogamy (or as we call it, Manogamy) great sex and getting past the everyday bullshit to keep focused on the big stuff. I'm not a psychologist or relationship counselor but I've been swapping bodily fluids with a real cute one for since December 27, 2007.

3 months after I met this jerk I mentioned he said pretty much the same thing to me. he wanted me to start dating other people. I didn't argue with him about it. No confrontations. I just decided he was being stupid and I'd just have to give him time to come back to his senses, Here's what I did.

I'm going to assume this guy is a relatively stable and problem free guy other than this recent loss of sex drive.

(speaking from experience) Lack of libido isn't just a matter of low sex drive or lack of interest in the partner. It can be loads of unrelated issues he or you don't even associate with your sex life or how well the two of you get along other than in the bed. It can be lots of tiny stupid things that are effecting his self image, self esteem, work pressure, finances, minor health issues (both known and unknown) or even the fact that he found his first gray pubic hair.... (I mention this because it sent me into a three day depression back in early May)

Here's the bad news and the good news all in one sentence>>> there's nothing you can do about it. You need to stop dwelling on this little thing and look at the big picture.

If you're trying to build a relationship with him it's time for you to become a stablizing rock for him during this time. You need to think in terms of what's good for "US" instead of "MY sex needs." Instead of being grumpy about no sex, (which just adds to his lack of libido) do what I do when my jerk...ummm... sweet guy... pulls a stunt like this... Just more or less say, "oh.. okay.. that's fine... I'll be here being my reliable and steady self until you get your shit together." (find a better way to say it) The main thing is to take pressure off of him about his lack of meeting your sexual needs.

The worst thing you can do it go out and have sex with someone else. That will just decrease his libido even more.

There's also a chance this is the first sign he's unhappy in the relationship and trying to "ghost" out of it. You need to take that into consideration and keep your mouth shut to him about it. He's going to most likely deny it if you confront him about it and you won't be helping him get relief from whatever is killing off his desire for sex with you by nagging about this or anything else.

All you can do to make the situation better is DO NOTHING but be a stablizing force, someone he can depend on. No arguments, no tension no pressure.

Then one day or night he'll try to cozy up and make his moves on you so he can bust a nut and you need to play it just as cool and calmly as you can. Don't turn into a sex craved maniac because you have a really important job to do. You need to make sure you make the sex so damned fantastic he'll lay there afterwards thinking "damn! why did I ever stop wanting this?"

It worked for me and it's working better everyday now. The same jerk who tried to send me off to screw other guys thinks he owns my tool. heeheehee Mission accomplished!

Go here for ideas.
http://gayspeak.com/showthread.php?t=32450

[Adam]

This is probably going to sound stupid, but I would be terribly hurt and totally devastated if my BF told me to go have sex with another guy. It would make me question the whole basis of our relationship. Including whether his lack of interest in sex with me stemmed from his interest in sex with someone else.
You guys really need to talk. Low libido issues can be medical or psychological and can be dealt with if the person is committed to the relationship and to his partner.

[Bluelight]

My first response would be to go ahead, but I don't know what kind of person your boyfriend is... does he play fair? Is he the type that could possibly use this against you later on? If so then I wouldn't, unless you feel like it's worth the risk.

[Virge]

I think should have emphasized it's a lot easier to keep a relationship going when both people are focused on the "Us" instead of the "me" and "him". But that's just OUR perception and the way we do things. For instance if My guy was having a libido issue, it wouldn't be his problem, bit OUR problem.

More relationships are sabotaged by ego conflicts than anything else. Maybe I'm the strange one but I've pretty much put my ego on a chain when it comes to my relationship. I'm not going to sweat things like him not liking my couch and wanting to get a new one. All that's important to me is the relationship with him... screw the couch, curtains, carpet or anything else he wants to change!

The more I think about this it looks to me that the guy with the supposed libido problem is really just wanting out of the relationship. Sorry to say that, just my honest opinion.