Cheating boyfriend = unbearable pain

[Wiltur]

Hi, I have a situation and I'd really appreciate some advice from you guys ..

I have been together with my boyfriend (he's 28, I'm 27) for nearly 4 years now. He's been the third serious relationship of my life, and by far the longest and most important.

About a month ago he was feeling downcast and depressed, and upon my insistence to know what was going on he told me he had betrayed me. He did that 4 times, he said, the latter about an year earlier. Always with different people that he met on the internet, a quick shag only, no kissing, no petting, as -he said- he loved me and didn't think for a second of leaving me. Reason for this treachery: unable to control his hormones and the fact he could only be a bottom in our relationship as I'm primarily active in bed. As he put it, he wanted to find out how it feels to be top for once, and after the first time things got out of hand and he couldn't stop. He said he then managed to control himself and put an end to his nocturnal escapes, but I then found out that to stop himself he started going to chatrooms and exchange pics with other people.

He admitted he has a problem with controlling his sexual drive, and that he wants to solve it and never do these things again.

I was -and still am- shattered. This is the greatest pain he could cause me, and although he knew this and always advocated with me that random sex is something he would never do, he did what he did.

I love him, I never cheated on him and never would, but given the situation I don't really know what to do now. Should I do the same things he did to feel better, and keep staying with him? Should I take vengeance? Should I pretend nothing ever happened? Or should I just say farewell to him and try to forget he ever existed (with all the pain this implies)?

After these events I tried to get closer to him, to help him, to be propositive in taking a bottom position with him (it takes time, but I hope he understands I'll do it gladly) and to try and find out how a person you think so similar to you can in truth be so different.
But I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, and I don't think I will ever be able to forget what he did, when all of this could have been avoided if only he had spoken to me first. Don't know what to do, for both of us ...

[spotysocks]

Hello wiltur,

You will get some very sound advice from the people here and although i am falling asleep wanted to say a few words because i was moved from your story and later maybe will write more.

It is understandable to feel hurt , cheating is cheating, when you give a promise should be able to keep it. However a random cheating would have cause me pain too but this alone would not be a reason for me to break up with my bf. What would be a reason to let him go is if he said 'so , not a big deal man , chill!' and no regrets. There are those too you know and just is to show they don't feel much about their bf or they don't know the consequences of their actions. Your boyfriend seems is not one of those people.

I was -and still am- shattered. This is the greatest pain he could cause me, and although he knew this and always advocated with me that random sex is something he would never do, he did what he did.

the trust you had at him has been damaged and is normal. Think though, people are people have weaknesses and learn new things form their experiences and mistakes and that is what he did and that is what you both are doing now...Learning from this experience.
The fact that he told you besides it shows he regrets for cheating also means he is open to communicate with you which is great. This is something good that came from this, use it to your advantage and make your relationship solid. Relationships are about communication and then trust. If you you can forgive each others mistakes and not take any hurt then nothing can break you apart.

[Wiltur]

Hello spotysocks,

Thanks a lot for your reply, you don't know how much it means to me..it's so hard to think positively in these situations.

Still, I don't know if I'll ever be able to be the same person again with my bfriend .. as you said, trust has been broken, and forgiveness is demanded for things to go ahead .. how hard that is.

When I am with him, I manage to forget everything and all is okay. When I am alone though, the bad thoughts start, and I muse that I would have never had a story with him in the first place if I had known he was capable of doing what he did, that he is not the kind of person I should be with, that all I thought of him was just a product of my imagination.
I am scared by the person he is, a person I just realised I didn’t know. It’s such a shock when you believe you’re thinking alike your partner, you start to get into a sort of mental symbiosis and when this bond is broken by facts, you start to question yourself and your sanity – at least that ‘s what I’ve been doing. I’ve started wondering whether it’s normal that I’ve never cheated on him. Whether I’ve been the fool and he’s just been “normal”. Whether I should force on me to find a quick shag. Whether I’m just wasting my life being the person I am.
It’s not easy.

[CardShark]

I should just add, if you cheat on him it wont make you feel better!

But good luck with the relationship.

[marshlander]

Sorry to hear that you are suffering so, Wiltur. It seems pretty normal that if your view of the world is changed by circumstances you are going to start asking questions.

From what you've said I think I would agree with Spoty that this doesn't have to be a reason to break up with your partner. It will only become a reason if either of you want it to be. From what you said it sounds like neither of you is otherwise keen to split up. The questions you ask ... again I think you already know the answers. Be honest with yourself. Do you really believe it will be okay with you if you go and look for someone else to shag, just because that's what he did? That's not the same as having the drive from within to look elsewhere. It is a betrayal of the values you hold. An act of revenge is rarely pretty. Again you may derive an immediate satisfaction, but pretty soon afterward you will not like yourself for what you have done. Guilt is very destructive. It made your partner moody. It could do a lot worse to you.

Pretending that nothing has happened is not an option. It HAS happened and now you both have to deal with it. Talking, talking and more talking is the only way you are going to really work your way through this. Leaving things unsaid always leaves things unanswered, usually for the other person. Your experience is sad, but it does reflect the reality of all our lives, that things change within and around us, and we have to make the most of what we have. What you agreed four years ago cannot continue to be taken for granted. It was enough for him to play one sexual role to begin with, but is clearly no longer the case. Once those questions start niggling us they become increasingly hard to ignore.

Where this becomes a problem is that if one partner's need to work through a situation is done at the expense of the other i.e. the situation is played out on a kind of point-scoring basis. Your starting point really has to be, this is where we are so what do we do now?

One way we show our partners that we love them is that we go the extra mile for them. It is normal that two people will have sexual thermostats set differently from time to time. However, being able to give of ourselves when we may not feel like it is a recognition of the needs of the other person. Similarly, recognising and accepting that our partner may not be particularly in the mood is the other side of the same coin. This only works where both make an effort to accommodate the needs of the other. Failure to do so gets us into the rut where one or both feel they need to look elsewhere for satisfaction. Sensitivity to the other only gets us so far, though. We need to communicate.

You're right. This could have been avoided if the communication had been there ... perhaps ... Why should either of you have to forget what he did? You have both learned something from it and because of that it is a valuable, if painful at present, experience. If you both want to stay together don't use his actions as a club with which to beat yourselves or each other. Go forward together and have fun together.

In your talking you may want to be as honest as you know how about what you will seriously want in the future. Is the sexual fidelity you have till now demanded of each other realistic? If not, what wil that mean for you both? Is monogamy something you have grafted on to your relationship because that's how people "do" relationships or is it something you offer as a gift of your love to each other? How will you deal in the future with differences in needs and expectations that will inevitably arise as you get older, wiser and eventually as your bodies change?

Whatever you do I wish you both the very best of luck. None of this stuff is easy. Don't be too hard on yourselves.

ps.
I assume all the necessary safer sex precautions were taken?

[Wiltur]

CardShark, Mashlander, thanks for your replies.
Yep, I don't believe the "eye-for-an-eye" approach would do me much good either .. but then, I keep thinking that I should have a random encounter just to prove myself that what my bfriend did was nothing to worry about. Marshlander, yep he said he did take all possible safe sex precautions, and I asked him to have a test after his confession and he came out clean, so that's all good fortunately.
(since this is confession time: he even said he didn't want to go in bed with the people he met, and he did it standing, which quite frankly quite disturbs me...)

I don't want to lose him, nor does he, so I'm trying my best to stay close to him in this period .. but I have this thing inside that I know is going to devour me if I don't do something. It's hard to explain .. it's probably a mixed feeling of justice and revenge (the two things are scarily similar..), I feel I've given everything I could for him during these years, and I can't bear that he paid me back like that - I couldn't condone it if this happened to a friend, and so much less since it's happened to me and I know how much energy and sacrifice and hope I put in our relationship. It's just unfair.

And still I don't understand it .. I don't know whether what he did can be justified or not. I'm not talking about forgiveness, I'm talking about understanding and explaining .. monogamy is the natural way for a relationship for me, but is it because I am just too naive? Am I missing something about the way things go in the World?

I totally agree with what you're saying and that the only way out is talking and talking about it, and don't forget what's happened but take it as a lesson.

I really hope we'll make things right. Thanks again for all of your support!

[marshlander]

Wiltur, you sound very self-aware and I think you will come out of this all right. Trust yourself and give yourself time.

I'm interested in a couple of your comments.

I don't want to lose him, nor does he, so I'm trying my best to stay close to him in this period .. but I have this thing inside that I know is going to devour me if I don't do something. It's hard to explain .. it's probably a mixed feeling of justice and revenge (the two things are scarily similar..), I feel I've given everything I could for him during these years, and I can't bear that he paid me back like that - I couldn't condone it if this happened to a friend, and so much less since it's happened to me and I know how much energy and sacrifice and hope I put in our relationship. It's just unfair.

It is unfair, specially if you look at his actions as something he did to you. However, sometimes things just happen. Sometimes we start out on a path which is intriguing, for whatever reason(s) and find ourselves unable to turn back before we hit a point of no return. Sometimes we are driven to do something that is selfish (in the broadest sense of the word) and thoughts of those we love the most take a lower priority for a while. This doesn't mean he regards you any less, just that something else has become overwhelmingly more demanding at that moment. Trust me, I'm an expert on this one, unfortunately . This is presumptious, but I do believe that once we start trying to quantify and compare levels of commitment and sacrifice with someone else we are in trouble. How can I possibly know the truth of what someone else has surrendered to be with me? There are times when I just have to live in hope and exercise trust. Sometimes that trust is not returned in kind. That's when our own commitments are tested. What matters most? Having him in your life or reminding him of a mistake he obviously regrets?

This thing inside you, to which you refer, will indeed devour you (both) if you let it. By all means rant as much as you need to here. We're anonymous and can take it. However, if you want to keep your man try (when you're with him) to tone down the ranting, the silences, the hurt looks or whatever is your preferred method of expression and go forward together. It will not be easy, but I believe it is possible and in the longer term far more productive. If, however, you do decide that you want to break up after all then give him whatever degree of hell makes you feel better but do that only when you've nothing to lose.

And still I don't understand it .. I don't know whether what he did can be justified or not. I'm not talking about forgiveness, I'm talking about understanding and explaining .. monogamy is the natural way for a relationship for me, but is it because I am just too naive? Am I missing something about the way things go in the World?

You are very lucky that you find monogamy so natural. Some people don't. I wasn't going to make this personal, but it might make sense to say something about my own circumstances here. Albert and I have always recognised the potential difficulties in our relationship which could arise from living in different countries, sometimes for weeks at a time. He has always said to me that if I felt the need to have sex with someone else he would understand. He has, however asked two things of me. One is that I don't engage in anything that would put his health at risk (his family have already lost his brother to AIDS and he could not bear to bring them more heartache) and the other is that I don't betray his love for me by developing feelings for someone else without telling him. (Those of you who have been around for a while will understand that Albert is an extraordinary man. Little do any of you know just how extraordinary and wonderful he truly is.) Since we met in middle age we both come with habit and history. Let's just say that mine was not snow white. I didn't know how I would deal with the pressures of a long-distance relationship. However, an interesting thing has happened for me. The very fact that he does not try to keep me on a leash has made me value him even more. I doubt there is any risk in the forseeable future that he will look elsewhere either. For us, trust and freedom works. I have had plenty of opportunity (I suppose ... ), but there is just something about having the freedom to make a choice that keeps our bond strong and monogamous. I don't pretend to understand it, but I celebrate it. I much prefer the person that knowing Albert is helping me to become to the man (or dare I say "men") that I was previously.

... (since this is confession time: he even said he didn't want to go in bed with the people he met, and he did it standing, which quite frankly quite disturbs me...)

The prurient in me finds this comment interesting. He seems to be as good as saying that it was only sexual curiosity that resulted in an anonymous knee-trembler that has caused this disturbance in both your lives. Are you really saying that you are concerned that he equates a bit of rubbing with a stranger on the same level as his deepest feelings for you? That really does need some discussion! I couldn't begin to unravel what's been going on in his head, but what if, for example, his escapades were motivated to some degree by the need to find out whether for him being a top was important enough before taking the risk of asking you to do something he felt would make you uncomfortable? Misguided, perhaps, but obsessions make us all do odd things at times.

I know I write too much at (most ) times, but I hope something someone has said here offers a little hope and comfort. Again, all the best to you both.

[Wiltur]

Marshlander, again thanks for all the kind words and wise thoughts.

And thanks for sharing your personal experience with me .. this Albert seems a very worthy person indeed. It made me so glad to read you writing about him, and about your relationship and how you overcame distance and how with trust you made your story a better place for two

About my bfriend .. I'll try and see things from his perspective as much as I can .. I was really striken but what you said

for example, his escapades were motivated to some degree by the need to find out whether for him being a top was important enough before taking the risk of asking you to do something he felt would make you uncomfortable?

From what he keeps telling me, it might as well be true if I am to believe him ... I need to regain trust in him, and I must say now I'm much more positive about how to take things forward - and I'm positive that things can be taken forward, which I couldn't say just a few days ago. I love him deeply, and I know that's the best place from where to start our dialogue.

Thanks again

[marshlander]

... I'm positive that things can be taken forward, which I couldn't say just a few days ago. I love him deeply, and I know that's the best place from where to start our dialogue.

What joyous news! I'm very happy to read that and I'm shedding a little tear of hope for you both. Take things one step at a time and I sincerely hope you can complete the necessary repairs to yourselves and to your relationship.

[Star Twister]

Hi, I have a situation and I'd really appreciate some advice from you guys ..

I have been together with my boyfriend (he's 28, I'm 27) for nearly 4 years now. He's been the third serious relationship of my life, and by far the longest and most important.

About a month ago he was feeling downcast and depressed, and upon my insistence to know what was going on he told me he had betrayed me. He did that 4 times, he said, the latter about an year earlier. Always with different people that he met on the internet, a quick shag only, no kissing, no petting, as -he said- he loved me and didn't think for a second of leaving me. Reason for this treachery: unable to control his hormones and the fact he could only be a bottom in our relationship as I'm primarily active in bed. As he put it, he wanted to find out how it feels to be top for once, and after the first time things got out of hand and he couldn't stop. He said he then managed to control himself and put an end to his nocturnal escapes, but I then found out that to stop himself he started going to chatrooms and exchange pics with other people.

He admitted he has a problem with controlling his sexual drive, and that he wants to solve it and never do these things again.

I was -and still am- shattered. This is the greatest pain he could cause me, and although he knew this and always advocated with me that random sex is something he would never do, he did what he did.

I love him, I never cheated on him and never would, but given the situation I don't really know what to do now. Should I do the same things he did to feel better, and keep staying with him? Should I take vengeance? Should I pretend nothing ever happened? Or should I just say farewell to him and try to forget he ever existed (with all the pain this implies)?

After these events I tried to get closer to him, to help him, to be propositive in taking a bottom position with him (it takes time, but I hope he understands I'll do it gladly) and to try and find out how a person you think so similar to you can in truth be so different.
But I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, and I don't think I will ever be able to forget what he did, when all of this could have been avoided if only he had spoken to me first. Don't know what to do, for both of us ...

I don't mean to be rude Wiltur, I am so sorry you have been hurt, I really am but can I give a you little advice


LEAVE HIM !

I will probably get my head bitten off for this, but this is just my opinion....

This whole incident will cause you to distrust him in the future and the jealousy will eat away at you..... Jealousy is such a destructive emotion, Trust me.

You say he has been unfaithful 4 times behind your back......... UNACCEPTABLE


Then you find out he is swapping pictures of himself in chat rooms without you knowing......... UNACCEPTABLE


You say he has trouble controlling his hormones, then who is to say he won't do it again ???


Sorry mister, if you are a faithful man and entered into a faithful relationship then that's what you deserve..... A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP.


But hey it's up to you what you do.......



If you think you can make a go of things then BRILLIANT, but please don't waist your time and emotion on something that you know wont work in the end


I mean you would think you knew him after 4 years together


Much love mister and I really do wish you all the best for the future


This is just my personal opinion

xxxxx