Help needed with reading mind.

[darren23a]

Hi all,

I'm after a bit of advice, i've just got back into the dating game after coming out of a long term relationship (and having a little break). I'm dating a guy at the moment but hes confusing me with his behavior.

I'm 29 and I generally date guys my own age or a little older but i've been pursued by a fairly persistent 19 year old and I eventually gave in and went on a date with him. I wasn't too keen on dating him as he works on the gay scene, is incredibly flirtatious, loves to gossip, hangs around with all the drag queens and twinks. You know the type?

I had a great time with him though and we've seen each other fairly often since and we've been open and honest with each other in the sense that we both see this as a casual thing at the moment but that it might have the potential to develop into something more over time.

Lately however, his behavior has changed and I can't figure out whats going on. He recently asked me not to cuddle him in bed anymore as hes too hot but now i've stopped cuddling him he seems insecure and asks me if i'm upset with him. He told me that he thinks things are moving too fast and when I ask him if he wants some space to himself or if he wants to stop dating he says he doesn't and tries to drop the subject saying he's just tired.

I've assured him that i'm not trying to pressure him into anything more serious and i've asked if he wants us just to be friends or friends with benefits he says he doesn't want that either and that he's afraid of messing up what we have. He can't elaborate on what he thinks we have though. Every time I try and get him to be open about his feelings he hides behind playful insults. He thinks I know what we have and that i'm playing dumb but i'm genuinely confused.

I'm useless at reading between the lines but i'm hoping one of you might be better at it. Any suggestions or advice on how to move forwards would be most appreciated

[Virge]

I knew you'd be posting this question today.

[Undreamt]

he's probably feeling insecure and unsure of himself. People at that age can be finniky

[Bluelight]

Sounds like he's just being a stereotypical 19-year-old.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Lately however, his behavior has changed and I can't figure out whats going on. He recently asked me not to cuddle him in bed anymore as hes too hot but now I've stopped cuddling him he seems insecure and asks me if i'm upset with him. He told me that he thinks things are moving too fast and when I ask him if he wants some space to himself or if he wants to stop dating he says he doesn't and tries to drop the subject saying he's just tired.

It sounds like he's freaking out. Scared to get too attached and trying to resist the attachment, but at the same time -already- attached and not wanting to lose what he has.

To be honest? It sounds like he's not sure what he wants, but it also sounds like if he's feeling insecure when you back off, somewhere inside there's a need for that security you provide. Even if he may be freaked out about that.

I've assured him that i'm not trying to pressure him into anything more serious and i've asked if he wants us just to be friends or friends with benefits he says he doesn't want that either and that he's afraid of messing up what we have. He can't elaborate on what he thinks we have though. Every time I try and get him to be open about his feelings he hides behind playful insults. He thinks I know what we have and that i'm playing dumb but i'm genuinely confused.

There is a LOT of avoidance behavior indicated in your posts. ("saying he's just tired", "He thinks I know what we have and that i'm playing dumb", "I try and get him to be open about his feelings he hides behind playful insults", etc.)

At 19 years old, people do not yet know -how- to be in a relationship. They just don't. You, as someone who does, needs to teach him this.

Part of that? Is sitting him down and letting him know that 1) you're dead serious and you don't want him to avoid this discussion but to listen to you and help you, 2) you're not a mind-reader and you need to know what he wants from the relationship, that you're worried the two of you aren't on the same page and wants to make sure you are both getting what you need, and 3) AS you are talking to him, as avoidance behavior comes up (which it will), you need to sideline it and make sure he knows that it's not a part of this discussion. Let him know that "I don't know, or I'm not sure" isn't going to work here and he needs to dig down deep and give you some real answers. If this means repeating questions more than once to get a straight answer (or rephrasing them in a different way to get through to him), then that's what you do.

[Uneunsae]

You cannot read minds! Communication is the only way! Sit down and have a talk with him. Be gentle but make your feelings and concerns clear.

[MrMom]

When I met my husband, I was 19 and he was 28. So similar to what you've got here. And the words that com to mind regarding your BF are immature and insecure. He needs reassurance, but with a delicate touch.
When he said not to snuggle him in bed --- I think he probably wanted you to pout and then flirt a bit and tell him how much you loved to cuddle with him and how you'd miss it. And yeah, it sounds like game playing, but shit --- HE'S NINETEEN!!! Trust me, he doesn't know WTF he wants. He doesn't want you to try to own him but he wants you to want to!
My husband was patient - lots of flirting and he kept it light - he didn't try to pin me down, but he let me know in subtle ways that he wanted to.
Hell, I'm probably not making much sense --- with a younger guy you need to let him know you are totally attracted but still keep it light.
And I'm sure this is no help at all - but if you want to try to make it work, you need to understand his mindset.

[Wolfpack]

The truth as Uneunsae as stated we cannot read someone's mind, we may think we know what other people are thinking but in truth we do not unless they choose to actually tell us in words.

[darren23a]

Thanks everyone for your messages. I appreciate you taking the time out to write a response.

I took him out to dinner last night and gently broached the subject of his change in behaviour. We had a really long, in depth discussion about everything. He essentially said that he feels something serious is developing between us and he doesn't know how to deal with those feelings. Part of him wants a relationship but another part is worried he's going to get hurt.

I've told him that i'm enjoying spending time with him and I don't feel we need to rush into anything. It's not something that requires a decision, that I think we should just continue what we are doing now and if things develop between us that instead of having to decide if we are going to be in a relationship we will realise that we are already in one. If things don't work out between us they will slowly fizzle out and it'll be less painful than an explosive ending. I believe the ending of a relationship mostly hurts because you grieve for what you thought you might have had. If we don't breath life into expectation then we can't mourn its loss. He seemed to understand this and seemed a lot happier and more affectionate last night.

So, thanks you lot. You helped xx

[saif1232]

Is this the only thing about him that is different? If so, it may just be that he is hot, that's all? And about him indicating that you know what you guys have, you need to clear that up as you've stated you are in a relationship, but if he isn't calling it that, you two have to have a lil chat like everyone else has told you, tho if there are other signs of different behaviour then it's possible that he's hiding something from you. He's probably just an insecure 19year old, its natural, I am 19 and have felt that way before