Gays who sleep with the opposite sex

[Jake]

Have you all realized that you're all using labels to define out labeling. Like it or not, call yourself weird, smart, dumb, etc. all labels may not define any of you, but you're using them all to get your point across. In fact, pros and cons are on the very same wavelength. In fact, I had quite some fun reading all this... because, labeling is part of my job and I know why I do it and why I use it... and honestly guys you don't need to go all philosophical about it. EVERY ONE OF YOU are using labels on a daily basis. What you guys are actually arguing about is more related to the PEJORATIVE LABELING which refer to label that defines wrongly someone. Examples such as I am gay, but I am not..., I love men and women but I am not... "I AM NOT..." is the part where you accept the label, but you want to justify that you are not the following label which for you may seem pejorative.

Per example, sexuality is so complex that people needed to find definition to set the boundaries, so after the big threes, Straight, Gay, Bisexual, there's pansexual, asexual etc and each and every one has their own subdivisions. Labeling is used to categorize, the definition you give in between is your own. You guys get so worked up over categorizations, I find it funny... Yet you don't want to use it, but you can't go without, even if you tried. I'm gay... OK! Bottom, Top or Versatile? Passive or Active etc.

Do you guys get the point now... you're both right, and yet you're both wrong.

[Melody]

For me personally.... (I can't speak for the lesbian you're referring to).

I'm bi. I identify as bi because I'm physically attracted to both sexes.

That said? I -prefer- men. I always have. Prior to my committed relationship with Gideon, women were fun. Like a carnival or amusement park ride. But, I don't relate well to them on an emotional level. I also find sex with them.... messy. Both physically and emotionally. Women, more often than men, develop emotional attachment during sex. Physically, the act feels... messier to me, which meant making sure I kept things light and full of fun and laughter as a distraction, and that either I screwed them in the shower or had to shower immediately afterwards.

I also don't respond as 'dependably' to women. One day, I might get turned on by a woman hitting on me. Three days later, the same woman might hit on me and I wouldn't even give her a second glance. With men? If I'm attracted then I'm attracted and it's a dependable reaction to that person.

For these reasons, some -may- consider me gay. Especially in that I'm now in a monogamous relationship with another man for the past 6 years. BUT, because I am (when single, at least) attracted to women, I consider myself bi. Perhaps in her opinion (this lesbian that you spoke of) she defines herself at lesbian but was either curious or bored or drunk, and decided to give the guy a ride. Maybe she just had a reaction to -that guy- specifically. One of those "Well this is odd, I know I'm gay but this ONE PERSON really.... does something for me."

People's gender identification is a very personal thing and will vary depending on who you talk to and a person's background and life experiences, as well as their inner-most feelings about the same sex and the opposite sex, as well as their reactions to individuals on a case by case basis.

This is the problem with labels, yeah? They're generalizations. Not everyone will fit "smack dab" into any form of generalization. Sure, some will. But there's just as many that won't.

with what you said about the lesbian having sex with that one guy is not bisexuality and could have been sexual fluidity if she fell for this one guy . but I would see someone as a bisexual in denial if they were saying their gay and everyone knew them as gay , yet behind close doers they were having sex with both sexes routinely , yet lying and telling everyone they were gay had no attraction yet did that behind close doors .
and with Mike story I see that too maybe he only felt that way about this woman that he was able to have sex with her . I think you can be gay or lesbian and have one person in your life of the opposite gender that you could be attracted to or sometimes not and enjoy having sex with . This doesn't happen to all lesbians and gay men by the way but this is a prefect example of sexual fluidity .

[Beaux]

I am gay and was in a 10 year relationship with a woman. I identify as gay and not bisexual and did so at the time (quite a long time ago, 1970s into the mid '80s.) I was out to everyone that needed to know. Many of our straight friends couldn't wrap their head around it, for understandable reasons. Many gay men can't grasp it either.

Perhaps it helps to understand that there is a difference between sex and love. I fell in love with a woman. I wasn't all that attracted to her physically (and she was a very hot lady by straight guy standards). At first we were just friends but as we grew emotionally closer we realized we wanted to partner and try building a life together. The sexual aspect was always the weakest link in our relationship.

To be honest, much of what drove the decision for me was my dissatisfaction with the pre-HIV 'gay scene' which, in my experience, was sort of brutal. Lots of stuff going on I didn't feel comfortable with at all. I don't only mean the rampant promiscuity but also the attitude most gay men displayed toward one another. I didn't fit in to this scene at all. Did not enjoy 'hook up' situations and was not interested in competitive game playing in the social arena. I had not found a romantic situation that was reciprocal… until I met this woman. I'll also add that in many ways she was an 'atypical' woman; very independent, smart, perceptive and out-going. She had many qualities that I found attractive.

I continued to identify as gay because I knew what turned me on sexually, which wasn't 'lady parts'. She knew this and accepted it and we worked as best we could to satisfy one another's sexual needs. Our relationship was important enough to both of us to work at this. We also had an arrangement which allowed her to seek sexual satisfaction outside the relationship. I could have, too, but didn't. She did but only a few times, always coming back to me, thankful that I wasn't a 'typical' (straight) male. LOL!

Eventually I was the one who initiated the end of the relationship… which wasn't really an 'end'. Rather, we "redefined" it. We're still best friends, actually more like brother and sister. Very close. My decision was in part due to what happened in the 'gay scene' after the HIV crisis… Suddenly, gay men actually wanted to TALK with one another and get to know one another. So, I eventually ended up in my first gay relationship at age 40.

I hear your concern about how something like this can reinforce the perception of bigots that homosexuality is a choice. In this case I "chose" to live in a heterosexual relationship--and throughout history this has not been uncommon for gay men both because of oppression and because they wanted to have biological families. I, however, did not "choose" to be a homosexual. Indeed, I was born that way and knew it from a very early age (long before the word "gay" meant what it does today).

So what I'm saying is there is a difference between sexual orientation and the actual act of having sex. There are straight men who have sex with gay men. I know this for a bonafide fact. They 'do it' but it isn't their first choice. The same can be true the other way around. I 'can' have sex with a woman but it isn't my first choice. And it isn't bisexuality because I'm not sexually 'turned on' by women. At all.

So, yeah, it is complicated and when you throw romantic love into the mix it can become even more so. I've been 'in love' with straight men, for example. Not recommended, LOL! I've been in two LTR gay relationships (both now deceased) and I loved them both. So there's a difference between loving someone and having sex with them. People have sex with one another without any emotional interest or commitment on a fairly regular basis--in part, perhaps, because a mutually loving relationship is much more difficult to find or be open to when it does show up.

Hope this helps

Wow! Awesomely coherent and truthful answer to the OP's questions! Thank you!

[Melody]

Slept with a guy at a party...many possible reasons.

One, she gave him pity sex or was on some really good drugs that made her especially affectionate, which he exploited and she went along with.

Two, she didn't. The person who told you she did is lying or has been lied to. (I'm going to skip a much darker possibility here.)

Three, she's actually bi who identifies as lesbian because she "leans that way" and bisexuals are pressured to "choose rather than sit on the fence" (silly demand).

Four, there was some scheme or business arrangement going on here, or possibly blackmail on the guy's part (or possibly a favor to his sister whom she's in love with, etc), or even some revenge being worked out here. Again, going to ignore the much darker possibility.

Five, it was a fluke. About everyone I know, regardless of sexuality, seems to have had at least a single one night stand that went against their orientation, and even flings don't seem to be that uncommon. I think the strangest one I heard of was a lesbian who was gold star (never been with a man, never attracted to one) who one day in her late 20s (IIRC) fell head over heels for a guy. He treated her like crap and dumped her and she went back to women. Though she's never been attracted to another man she calls herself bi now...but I disagree personally. Flukes happen.

I 've seen many lesbians whose only been with one man or attracted to one man there whole life but after trying that guy went back to women call themselves bi I don't agree that their bi either . Yet the bisexual women who aren't really lesbian but just more into women they can call themselves lesbian and no one forces them out like they do these women for just one man .

[Counselor]

There are tons of philosophers and smart guys all the way back to Rome who've written about what you've just said.

To sum them all up in contemporary language, speaking in terms of absolutes about hypothetical abstractions is a sure way to get your butt bitten when reality sneaks up like it often does.

I actually had this same conversation with a coworker two days ago, she had me pegged for a switch-hitter with a drink, but my interest in women is nil. I'm not interested, let alone available, so my absolutes are based on my personal principles. I've already broken one woman's heart, and do not intend to arrive anywhere close to repeating my own path.

[Jaxx37]

Folks seem to get really het up about trying to define/label others when it comes to sexuality, it can be pretty draining to say the least. I personally identify as bi for the simple reason that I've dated and been attracted to men in the past, though my emotional and sexual preference is women, and therefore I feel it would be doing them a disservice if I were to label myself as anything else. However if it were up to me I wouldn't label myself at all - I only do so because other people seem to feel they need me to. As far as I'm concerned I am what I am (cue the music please) and it's my business and mine alone.

I do however notice that people seem to have a harder time 'getting' a handle on bisexuality than they do on homosexuality, and I do understand that to an extent - folks like to think that they 'know' you and when you go against expectations (i.e. you've dated men and then start dating women) it's hard for them to come to terms with. People come to the table with their own preconceptions. prejudices and misconceptions and as I say that can be really draining. If we stopped with these labels etc. then there would be no need for 'coming out', then again if we didn't 'come out' people would assume we were straight wouldn't they? Unless of course everyone had to 'come out' but then we'd still need labels... I don't know what the answer is to be honest, just that who you fall in love with or are attracted to shouldn't be something that everyone and their auntie feels obliged to judge you for and yet they do.... I guess that's just human nature. It'd maybe be worse if people genuinely didn't care.