My guy is so shy and insecure because of religion

[Anonymous]

So I'm dating a wonderful guy for almost 6 months. He's very gentle, caring person and we're in love. He's 19 and I'm 22 years old. He comes from very religious family, they're all Christian. It was extremely hard for him to admit that he's gay and he still hasn't fully accepted it, I guess. I'm not religious myself, however I do my best to help him accept the fact that God obviously created gay people as well as straight ones. He knows all the commandments by heart, sometimes it even seems that he knows all the Bible by heart.

The thing is that it's messing with our sex life. He has quite strict parents who apparently raised him as pure as possible. This thing "sex is bad, sex is evil, sex is sin" is programmed into his head so deeply that I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't know how to get out of his head this belief that he has been taught all his life that sex is only ok between spouses ( heterosexual ones, of course) and in any other case it's a sin. He's a virgin and when I asked, he said he has never even masturbated. I was actually so surprised about it because I was sure every guy does it and he was like "no, I've never do it". When I asked why he said that it's bad and God doesn't want people to do it. He is so faithful to all this Christian stuff that he really believes is true.

Another thing is that he's somehow afraid of his feelings with me in bed. One evening we got quite far with cuddling, I was pleasantly surprised that he let me and I started fondling his penis and jerk him off. Then I noticed that he's kind of trying to fight with what he feels. All the time he was poker faced, quiet, gritted his teeth, as if he was trying to not let himself to enjoy it, to hide that he's feeling pleasure. When I asked does it feel good, he just hid his face in the pillow. I know it did feel good for him and I wasn't expecting him to scream or anything, but he didn't even utter a sound, not a single moan, not even when he ejaculated. After that he told me he's ashamed about what we did.

It's all just because of this stupid religion, because he was taught it's wrong to enjoy these things. Sometimes I wish to just go to his parents and scream at them for what they have done to their son. They don't know he's gay though. I asked him if he's sure he's gay, he says he is. He always apologizes to me for not being good enough for me, but I don't blame him. It's actually his family's fault. I just don't know how to help him, how to show that he shouldn't be ashamed to make love with me?

[Pix]

If he wants to change (which I presume he does since he's with you) then maybe going to a UU church might help him evolve his ideas on God (they tend to be Christian based and include the Bible as divinely inspired, not to be confused with literal truth). UU:

http://www.uua.org/index.shtml

But this psychological damage lingers. I knew a woman who had become an atheist, didn't believe in any god, yet found it difficult to vote against Prop 8 because she could "feel God's disappointment," and even though she knew the feeling was an illusion from religious brainwashing it was still a struggle.

[East]

The thing is that it's messing with our sex life. He has quite strict parents who apparently raised him as pure as possible. This thing "sex is bad, sex is evil, sex is sin" is programmed into his head so deeply that I'm not sure what to do about it.

I really hate to tell you this but fasten your seatbelt because you have a bumpy ride ahead of you...

This message is a disease and it has spread. A lot of people call it "good morals" but it is Bible based and even the most staunch atheists who claim to hate religion have no clue how much of it is ingrained in them and how much water they carry for them....

...and you have an advantage with him being religious because he doesn't have to pretend that it isn't about the Bible....it is so much easier to address with this condition in place...

...so count your blessings..and good luck!

[LJay]

Be gentle and kind. You need to realize that he has a view of things that he may or may not put aside. I don't consider myself to be particularly hampered by my upbringing and religion, but at retirement age I still recall--more than once or twice daily--things that my parents and grandparents taught me. He has to make the changes in outlook himself and it is for certain that he can't turn it off with a switch.

[CellarDweller]

It's not religion that he's insecure about, it's his parents'/family reaction that he's insecure about, which is understandable.

[deepu69]

Be patient. He seems to be a lad who hasn't seen life from any perspective other than his strict family's. You should help him widen his worldly experience. Guide him towards emotional and financial freedom and hope for the best. I am sure he loves what is happening between the two of you. Be strong.

[Virge]

The thing is that it's messing with our sex life. He has quite strict parents who apparently raised him as pure as possible. This thing "sex is bad, sex is evil, sex is sin" is programmed into his head so deeply that I'm not sure what to do about it.

I really hate to tell you this but fasten your seatbelt because you have a bumpy ride ahead of you...

This message is a disease and it has spread. A lot of people call it "good morals" but it is Bible based and even the most staunch atheists who claim to hate religion have no clue how much of it is ingrained in them and how much water they carry for them....

...and you have an advantage with him being religious because he doesn't have to pretend that it isn't about the Bible....it is so much easier to address with this condition in place...

...so count your blessings..and good luck!

All I can add to this is don't sit back and tell yourself "he'll be better in a few weeks."
After he gets over it there will be years of aftershocks and turmoil.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Give it a few decades, he will come around in time.

Now that he is out of that environment, and God willing, he starts hanging with more liberal Christians then his point of view will be changed.

Mind he will most likely always have hang-ups about sex, but he will get around those in his own way.

If you are not a man of faith yourself, you most likely do not get the difference between spirituality and 'religion'. He has a faith, most likely a strong one. If you start bashing that 'religion' of his, it will feel like an attack, and that usually doesn't lead to relationships ending well.

There are numerous gay affirming churches out in the world now days.

Here is a link, you BOTH need to get together and use it: http://www.gaychurch.org/find_a_church/

I strongly suggest you two shop around with different churches, go on a Sunday, hear service or two, get to know a few of the congregation, the minister/priest/head high guru...

Once you all find a church with a minister/priest/pastor/witch doctor, head high guru whatever the title that he is comfortable with, then he can address the aspect of bible and what it means for me and my gay lover.

I could point you all to links about gay affirming verses and better interpretations of those 6 verses used to crush homosexuals and persecute them... however that will most likely do very little to get at the root of the matter which is 'My Parents taught me.....'

That is going to require a bit of psychological repair work, and many minsters/priests/pastors/head high guru/whatever the title have some psychological training and can assist with a little of both the spiritual aspect of sex and God and 'My parents taught me....'

One evening we got quite far with cuddling, I was pleasantly surprised that he let me and I started fondling his penis and jerk him off. Then I noticed that he's kind of trying to fight with what he feels. All the time he was poker faced, quiet, gritted his teeth, as if he was trying to not let himself to enjoy it, to hide that he's feeling pleasure.

I'm afraid you misinterpreted this situation and are doing a lot of damage if you do this all the time.

Understand cuddling does not have to end with a 'happy ending' - in fact, most people consider cuddling and snuggling to NOT be a prelude to sex. He wants/needs closeness and intimacy, you are turning it into sex.

So what is the deal from perspective? If he is to get a bit of affection, a bit of bonding time then he has to bite the bullet and pay the piper by having sex.

THAT is a very, very, very grievous and horrific way to go. It will most definately break your relationship.

He may not have said no verbally, but his body language was screaming 'stop' and you continued on anyways.

He most likely does love you and is afraid that if he says 'no' you will stop loving him. In a way you are manipulating the situation to your favor and he is helpless to say no when he wants to.

You need to start making clear distinctions between bonding via cuddling and fucking/having sex. He needs to have many sessions of cuddling to be nonsexual in content. Hugging, snuggling, holding on to each other, just being body to body without it leading to sex.

If its going to lead to sex automatically, then you are setting a dangerous link in his mind between getting the emotional satisfaction of simple touch and that in order to do it he has to have sex.


Understand there are years upon years of programming. He has been programed like a good computer and follows the software his parents instilled. Lately he is started to become more than the sum of his programing. That process is long and hard and he has much to over come.

If you love him, really love him, then you need to decide if you can handle a decade of patience and going without sex as often as you might like.

You also need to learn how to show him affection/love and intimacy in a loving, gentle manner that does not use sexual intercourse or sexual touching (ergo no ball and cock play).

Humans, unlike computers, once programmed are real difficult to unprogram. Its not like one can reformat the hard drive and reinstall Human 3.0. So he has to have new programing set along side this old programing - call it a Service Patch 2.0.

His parents had him through his most programmable period of life, they have also had him for at least 18 years to instill their program in him. 18 years of programing is not undone over night, in fact it most likely will never be completely worked around. It will most likely be a struggle for him for the rest of his life.

Sure, he can learn how to cope and deal and accept and move on a little, but he will carry that taint with him forever.

That is something you are going to have to accept.

[Anonymous]

Well, to be honest, I never meant to do something he doesn't want it. This was the first time we went that far, because I remember that before that every time I tried to initiate something more than just cuddling, he immediately said that he doesn't want that and asked me to stop, what I did, of course. This time he didn't say anything and he didn't push me away, so I thought he wanted it. If he didn't, then why didn't he stop me like he always did? He's not that kind of person who just agrees to something unacceptable.

[Vince40372]

Sit down and watch YouTube videos by Justin Lee and Matthew Vines. Have him read Ephesians 2:10 and think about that verse from a gay man's perspective. It's a start to truly understand scripture.