How to deal with not accepting being gay.

[Buzzer]

I just feel I should be attracted to those around my age. I guess this is just a personal issue and not really something that is wrong.

Maybe part of the problem is that we get too wrapped around the notion that 'attraction' is one exclusive crystallized thing, and that we just flip on or off like a lightswitch for only that one thing.

My tastes have not so much 'changed', as both evolved and expanded, since I was much younger.

Also no one I've ever seriously cared about looked like some kind of amalgam of guys I've ever looked at in porn -- nor did I expect someone to, nor did that stop me from being attracted to them.

Attraction isn't a one-dimensional thing. If anything, if an attraction is so all-encompassing that you can't feel any reaction for anything but one type or one look, I'd almost say we're in fetish territory more than we're talking about attraction.

I also think there's the possibility of boxing yourself in. "My type is swimmer builds." Okay, so if you met a really hot guy with a great personality, would his not having a swimmer build kill the deal? I don't think all that many of us really work like that.

[17vs41]

Maybe part of the problem is that we get too wrapped around the notion that 'attraction' is one exclusive crystallized thing, and that we just flip on or off like a lightswitch for only that one thing.

My tastes have not so much 'changed', as both evolved and expanded, since I was much younger.

Also no one I've ever seriously cared about looked like some kind of amalgam of guys I've ever looked at in porn -- nor did I expect someone to, nor did that stop me from being attracted to them.

Attraction isn't a one-dimensional thing. If anything, if an attraction is so all-encompassing that you can't feel any reaction for anything but one type or one look, I'd almost say we're in fetish territory more than we're talking about attraction.

I also think there's the possibility of boxing yourself in. "My type is swimmer builds." Okay, so if you met a really hot guy with a great personality, would his not having a swimmer build kill the deal? I don't think all that many of us really work like that.

Outstanding reply and it made me think and this is always a good thing. Thanks!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

How to deal with not accepting being gay.

1. Denial - go live a straight life and the lie.

2. Chemical substances, drugs or alcohol.

3. Self Harm, cutting, high risks behavior, suicide.

4. Grin and bear is.. problem with that one is that if you have been in this state for a few decades, your risk of having ulcers shortly is high. Also you run a higher risk of heart attack around age 50... See stress (and nonacceptance of self is very stressful) leads to physical health issues.

I could go on... however I think you can see the pattern emerging.

Not accepting yourself for yourself never ends well. There is no 'coping mechanism' or way to deal with it.

You need to admit you have a problem and accept it... then move on to accepting that you are a homosexual.

Failure to do so will result in sad and often down right tragic consequences...

Furthermore, you are at a high risk stage in your life for midlife crises, that coupled with an unwillingness to accept your being a homosexual most likely will lead to far more outlandish expressions of midlife crises.

40+ men attracted to the boys.

Actually this happens a lot - so much so that I did start a rant thread on it several months ago.

Too much - and that is more or less a bit of educated psychology because in these sorts of cases there tends to a bit more abuse and misuse of individuals. Such as young boys seeking to use an older guy for financial support. Or the other end of that, old men wanting to be a parent to their mate...

This isn't to say there isn't any healthy relationships between spring autumn couples - there are a lot of them out there that have managed to side step the less than savory potentials.

So as to your wanting younger men exclusively you need to analyze your motives there and decide if your intent is healthy, or something sick... Such as you want to have authority over your partner, thus are using young, inexperienced men (now in this sense they become boys) because you know that a young man is less likely to challenge the authority of old age.

If you look at your intentions and motivations and compare those to somewhat understood behaviors of a decent society and you find that your motives are actually not abusive, or using or something like that.. Then there is absolutely nothing wrong about this preference.

Yet on the other hand, if you do have darker intent that plays in here, I would strongly suggest you seek help for that and do consider it something a bit more shameful... Not because of the homosexual aspect, but because of the less than acceptable intent.



Moving back to acceptance of who we are.

Instead of trying to find a way to continue the course of not accepting, try finding a way to accept your homosexuality (therefore yourself).

If you can't think of a way on your own, I would strongly recommend finding and LGBT affirming therapist (psychologist) and start working on the issue.

Whilst you think its because of your attraction to young men... I suspect that it has far more to do with the fact that you are 41 years old and have lived through part of the dark days when LGBT were far less tolerated.

Say your parents were accepting, maybe a product of a household that attended church on a regular basis?

Since you threw in 'or maybe it doesn't.' there is something dangling there in your mind that you considered might be an alternative... maybe nothing more than a gut feeling... But it suggests that the problem here may be a bit deeper if not more complex that your preferences.

[Iceblink]

Im in my early 40's and my attraction is to 18-22 range.

There is nothing wrong with this because it is legal, so it is no business of anyone except for you are your potential partner.


But...there is the reality you have to deal. Gays are a small segment of the population, so that one thing already makes it more difficult in finding a mate. When you have a very specific and small age range, you are making the possibilities even more difficult. Despite there being some obsession with youth among gay men, most are still looking to settle down with someone fairly close to their age range, like give or take 10 years. And for those that are looking outside of their age range, while there are some younger looking for older, more often it is older looking younger. In other words, there are more older men looking for younger than there are younger men looking for older.
So while there is nothing wrong with desiring an adult that is much younger than you, you have to at the same time recognize the reality, your task of finding a partner, which by numbers is already somewhat difficult just from being gay, is profoundly more difficult because of your specificity.

[MikeW]

OP, is your issue a 'shame' issue? You feel shame due to feeling lust for guys roughly 20 years younger than yourself (thus theoretically young enough to be your children)?

Have you always felt shame about your sexuality? Were you attracted to boys your own age when you were a teen, young adult? Did you act on those attractions?

I'm not really expecting you to answer those questions in a public forum. I am suggesting however that these are questions worthy of consideration, possibly with a therapist or someone who is knowledgable in the field of sexuality. I doubt any of us fully 'understand' why we are attracted to whatever we are. But 'understanding' isn't necessarily the point. What matters is how we feel about it, and your OP suggests you are not completely comfortable with yourself.