don't touch me!!! seriously

[ETOTE]

Bowyn, you totally spoke my mind.
My kind of abuse by them was somehow more than neglect; not tortured, locked, beaten or forced to eat soap/hot pigment, any pain that is very slow. I was rather abused by attempts of quick death or so, including poisoned food by my parents, stopped murder with a knife by my younger brother while sleeping, soporific pills at a later age... And still they act as if they weren't responsible for all that, unless I find evidence. The oddest in all this is I'm still in the closet, so what if they knew I was gay?? Considering their homophobia over hatred, I might be found dead within the hour.



I can hardly make up for my lack of affection, bcz most of my friends are male and I rarely see them, other than the "masculine" type they ought to be and/or want to see.
It sounds desperate but I'm now used to live in a such cold. I think it can only get better when I come out, which isn't much of a wait for me (less than a year until I become independent).

^you have a scary, disturbing family. Your fear of touch from them is completely understandable.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Bowyn, you totally spoke my mind.
My kind of abuse by them was somehow more than neglect; not tortured, locked, beaten or forced to eat soap/hot pigment, any pain that is very slow. I was rather abused by attempts of quick death or so, including poisoned food by my parents, stopped murder with a knife by my younger brother while sleeping, soporific pills at a later age... And still they act as if they weren't responsible for all that, unless I find evidence. The oddest in all this is I'm still in the closet, so what if they knew I was gay?? Considering their homophobia over hatred, I might be found dead within the hour.



I can hardly make up for my lack of affection, bcz most of my friends are male and I rarely see them, other than the "masculine" type they ought to be and/or want to see.
It sounds desperate but I'm now used to live in a such cold. I think it can only get better when I come out, which isn't much of a wait for me (less than a year until I become independent).

Yeah...

I know that right now its all hard and seems impossible to get through this, however I suspect you are a survivor and will make it through this.

Time is relative, perceptional wise and in an Einsteinian way.

While you can't make up for it now, there will come a time when you can. Once you get the exterior stuff sorted, like a roof over your head, a job, etc.. you can start working on the interior stuff.

Changes are extremely high that you will eventually meet a guy, fall in love and be able to love and live. Its just getting there from here may take a wee bit of time.

One thing that may help pass the time is to set goals for your own life, objectives to meet. Have a couple three long term ones set there - like career path, but also have short term ones. Like if you have a part-time job and can mange it, set aside $20 dollars from each paycheck...

If your paid weekly that is 80 dollars a month (on average)

1040 year... While it doesn't seem like much, its more than zero and physically setting aside that $20 bill will give you a sense of doing something to make a change for the better. It is a psychological thing more than a financial one.

And do feel free to fantasize about freedom... Through my early to middle teens I spent a great deal of time soothing my own anguish by plotting my escape. I couldn't write anything down (Mother was very snoopy and the punishment would have been severe had my plans been discovered), but perhaps you can write stuff down, make lists, contemplate steps to make minor goals take place then do 'something' in order to bring those minor steps into reality.

This will give you a sense of taking back the control you have lost. Control is important to those who have had it taken from them.

Lastly and more importantly, be good to you. How that manifests depends on you. I do things like meditate, stop and smell the flowers (literally). Stop and look up at the sky and admire the clouds or the blue of the sky... its these little things that give us a sense of well being and are acts of kindness for self.