Dating an Indian

[Tulloni]

I would consider dating an Indian and in fact in the past I've dated quite a few people from different countries including a Lithuanian, Pole, Russian, and yes my last date was with an Indian!

I believe in equality and don't understand why someone would not want to date someone from a different racial, religious and national background providing all was well and they were compatible personality wise.

BUT...

(yes I am afraid there is a big 'but' here)

I went out with an Indian guy last Saturday and I really enjoyed the actual date itself. Everything seemed to go so well and I felt content when I was talking to him. It was lovely.

Then I got a message Sunday afternoon saying that he's living something of a double life and actually has a partner (presumably a wife or fiance) in India and is living a double life as a bi guy and that he is sorry for not saying this sooner.

wtf?!

I was pissed and tbh I am still bitter about it. I calmly replied that I was not interested in seeing him again and suggested he try elsewhere. I felt a little used to be frank. I also asked him how he hoped to maintain a relationship properly when he was living thousands of miles away from his partner. He was a bit defensive and annoyed I was asking these questions but I had to ask really. I just felt angry that he still went on a date with me despite all this as I cannot deal with this duplicity.

So really it's a problem of culture which can be an issue in cases like this. I am more than up for dating anyone regardless of their nationality, religion etc. But I need to be certain they're being honest and do not have some sort of personal relationship back in their home countries or aren't secretly married. I do respect we live in a huge diverse world and that we live in a multicultural society... etc. etc. However, at the end of the day I do not appreciate being messed around and yes while it's true white, British/American men have secrets, they tend not to have partners in another country whilst dating people elsewhere.

However, if I am confident the guy can be trusted I will definitely date them. However, I now feel inclined to ask new dates from other countries whether they have partners/wives back home. I know this is a bit discriminatory but quite frankly I don't care because it pisses me off when people do stuff like this (have a relationship in one country whilst living and dating other people in another). he shouldn't have done this tbf and I shouldn't feel the need to subject dates to this new line of questioning but I now feel compelled to.

[Uneunsae]

^ This happens a lot because Indians are pressured and expected to have arranged marriages. Not only that, they are not free to explore their sexuality in India unless they are very secretive about it. So, unfortunately, this is how many of them go about doing so when they go abroad. Not all of them, but a lot of them. I had similar issues with my ex and that is why we split. He was not nearly as bad as some, though.

[Buzzer]

^ This happens a lot because Indians are pressured and expected to have arranged marriages. Not only that, they are not free to explore their sexuality in India unless they are very secretive about it. So, unfortunately, this is how many of them go about doing so when they go abroad. Not all of them, but a lot of them. I had similar issues with my ex and that is why we split. He was not nearly as bad as some, though.

Yup. I think of the story as a big case of "cultural oops." Very likely, he wouldn't need to explain to someone else from India that he wasn't free to simply date men, or ignore family wishes altogether, not get engaged, etc. It would probably simply be understood. Unless it seemed like he was intentionally concealing this on purpose to be deceptive, it could just very well be that he didn't fully anticipate how someone raised in the U.S. or elsewhere would feel about the situation. We do, after all, have plenty of people who are also closeted and step out to meet men, it just isn't a completely culture-wide obligation for us.

I understand both sides of it. I just think in cases like this the possibility exists that he wasn't necessarily "aware" of how a westerner would feel about it and deceptively concealed it on purpose to avoid the reaction. He did, after all, come forward with it after the first date, probably because if the date had gone badly and neither of you were at all interested in a second, the issue would be moot. I think it is, of course, more than perfectly fair to ask someone if they're totally single on the first date, particularly if you've been deceived before by people who weren't actually single.

[Uneunsae]

Agreed, and tbh a lot of Desis come here with the idea that Americans are easy and loose when it comes to sex and they might think that it's okay in our minds. (I can't exactly disagree with them about this, but some of us ARE ethical and it doesn't excuse bad behaviour on their part.)

[ChadCoxRox]

I see the OP as saying he's always been attracted to and therefore prefers white guys and therefore imagines the most happiness and satisfaction from a relationship with a white guy BUT has remained open to other races because he does not want to be racist or prejudice beyond that seemingly natural preference. Next I hear the OP saying he believes his options are too limited and he's clearly indicated a lack of experience beyond to guys he's dated.

To that I say YES you can have a happy, satisfying relationship with any man you meet who you develop or experience a suitable and mutual connection with. But MOST importantly, I am sorry to hear your feeling a bit lonely and concerned about finding someone for companionship.

Are you interested in "just dating"? What is "dating" for you? Are you interested in trying different guys for the purpose of immediate gratification or more relationship than that? Either way, I hope you have some good fortune with your efforts and I believe your results will be directly related to your efforts rather than simply fate without effort.

Maybe we could talk about your strategies and ideas so any issues you might experience might be exposed "in confidence" here on GS so we could help you work through them. I imagine cultural issues might be the toughest but that's just speculation so how far do you want to take this thread?

Best wishes friend and btw I think Desi Indians can be quite attractive and desirable just like any other race.

[CellarDweller]

I would date an Indian guy, why not

[ChadCoxRox]

[Uneunsae]

^ Sexy! Find me one with long hair. OMG!

[ChadCoxRox]

[ChadCoxRox]

^ Sexy! Find me one with long hair. OMG!

I give up! I think those are an anomaly.

But found this cutie for you...