Relationship Help

[JohnWilliams]

Hi everyone!
I'm a 21 year old college student. I'm still in the closet because my family is very religious and I don't know what will happen to me if I do tell them.
Anyway, I met this guy in school 3 years ago in a field class. Now I checked out many guys in my life, but this one is different. I immediately felt something special about him, I don't even know why this person in particular. He may not be considered the hottest guy by many, but to me he is the most beautiful person alive. I don't know what happened to me since that day, I think I fell in love instantly. I befriended him and we're good friends. Since then, I talk to him a lot, go out with him and others... He is smart, funny, attractive (takes care of himself and especially his body scent which mesmerizes me). But he always sees me as a friend, and he appreciates my friendship a lot.
Now I never told him I was gay, not to mention in love with him. He clearly doesn't suspect anything about my sexuality, and to me he doesn't seem gay.
My feelings for him developed more and more every single day. Every time I talk to him, I fall even more in love with him. I always find the urge to make him laugh, to talk to him about my problems, to be around him. His laugh is the best sound I would hear, his eyes are just so attractive I sometimes have to look around or to other people to avoid the urge to kiss him involuntarily.
My feelings have gone to a point where it nearly kills me. I think about him every single day, see him in every guy I meet, check if he's online every time I hold my phone, dream about him, have fantasies about him...
He is a very understanding man about nearly every issue, and so I always thought about telling him that I was gay. I don't know his opinions about gay people (we never talked about that), and I certainly don't know his reaction if he knew I was one, more so that I adore him. We have a close friendship (we're not best friends in the whole wide world but we're close) and I don't want to lose that or at least make it less close or maybe awkward in some way. The problem is that he shows himself as this macho man and I wouldn't suspect that he's gay.
I need your advice please. My feelings for him are killing me. He is the smartest, funniest, most adorable person to me, and every second I spend with him is like heaven to me. I always wanted to know what love feels like when I was a kid, and I finally do. He is perfection to me, and although he has some flaws, I always tend to see what's positive about him. His body is just so gorgeous and he indeed is big, if you know what I mean (it's so clear in his pictures, he must have the biggest *** ever, it's hard to not look at it, it's huge).
I'm afraid to lose our friendship if I tell him, and I would be devastated and totally embarrassed if he doesn't like me being gay.
I'm not a coward in this matter, but the community I live in is, I would say, rather conservative about this thing, and it's not easy for me. Do you think telling him about how I feel with have a bad effect on our friendship, and if he does find it appalling what should I do? I can't stop loving him...
Thank you for your time guys, any good advise is appreciated.

[MikeW]

Hi John, welcome to gayspeak.

What you're describing, crushing hard on your straight best friend, is a common plight. The first time it happened to me I was only 11 years old, with my best buddy when we were in Boy Scouts together. (I grew up in Indiana so I'm familiar with the whole mid-west social environment.) That flame continued all the way through high school and almost drove me insane. And, indeed, it can be very painful. If you do a search in the forum for 'crush on straight friend' or some such you'll probably find hundreds of threads on the subject.

My advice: Take responsibility for your feelings and what you're doing to yourself. Your feelings are yours and you have every right to them. However, you have to keep in mind they likely will not be reciprocated. If they were going to be, you'd probably already know (or at least strongly suspect) by now. What you're actually doing is torturing yourself with this guy and you need to stop doing that. How? I don't know. One way is to come out to him and see how he responds. If he is in fact a friend, he'll accept it.

However, this new information is going to change your relationship, regardless how he reacts. Just recently there was a straight guy who came to the forum and posted this thread, for example.

There are many different possibilities. One is as in the thread linked above, the straight guy still cares for his gay friend but he doesn't have the same feelings, so this has created uncomfortableness in the friendship. Your friend could freak out in some way and might have to go through an adjustment period of his own. Indeed, you will have to as well. It is difficult facing the fact that your crush/love/lust (whatever you want to call it) isn't and will never be reciprocal. Even in instances where gay guys come out to someone they're crushing on and then discover that the other guy is also gay or questioning, this is a whole other kettle of fish--especially if neither is out and are in a less than progressive social environment. Now what? Coming out always changes the relationship. Not always for the worse but there is usually a re-adjustment for everyone involved.

In short, there is no right or wrong here. You do whatever you do and then face the consequences of your decision. This is true for everything in life. We can never fully predict how anyone is going to react or respond to the news, "I'm gay and I'm crushing on you." The best we can do is try to put ourselves in the other guy's shoes and think how we'd feel about it. (For example, what if you had a good female friend who was crushing on you, how would you feel about that?)

The most important thing I can say, I think, is you need to stop torturing yourself. How to do that is less clear. One way is to actively begin looking for other gay guys you can relate to, whether just for sex or something more. If nothing else, that gets your mind off this situation. Crushing on straight guys is a kind of curse, one I was afflicted with in my early 20s. The question I had to begin asking myself was, why do I crush on straight guys and not gay ones? What's that all about for me? One answer I came to is that, for me at least, it was a way to remain emotionally "safe". By crushing on straight guys I never had to risk a relationship going further than the agony of unrequited, secret romance.

Good luck and please don't just disappear on us. Feel free to use this forum as a way to get to know other gay men. It could be a way of clarifying and getting beyond your current uncomfortable situation.

[Humeinator2]

I'm going to say, Just talk to him about it
then again, every straigh crush I had ended up being okay with me crushing on them, because they knew I was the biggest freak of an oddball in my schools when it came to my personality, and that seemed to be why they considered e such good friends
and also, we are just assuming (and you know what that does) that he is straight, and not a manly Gay, I've met a couple of the manly gays who don't show any sign of being gay, or likeing someone , even though they did
of course, I wasn't their friend, and I only heard about them liking a guy because I ended up eavsdropping
which I couldn't help! I was in the restroom and they where at the urinals, and this guy was talking to a friend about what he should do
since the guy he was crushing on wasn't my friend I just thought about how surprised I was that the guy talking was gay...
and of course, I've had more experiances that people could call unusual than some others, so I guess That case may be an exception (Also, the ot

[Humeinator2]

the other manly gay was a cousinf of one of my friends, and he had brought his boyfriend with them, and if they didn't say anything, you wouldn't know any better XD ..... gods amaighty I was jealous of that manly man XD he had a REALLY cute BF *Fumes*)

[TwisttheLeaf]

I do not suggest immediately confessing your feelings.

This friendship took time to get where it is. Even if it -does- go further, it too is going to take time.

My suggestion is to find a way to bring gays up in the discussion and feel out how he feels about homosexuality first. This does not need to lead to a confession of your own orientation. But it at least starts the information gathering process on if what you want is even going to be possible.

[Humeinator2]

take TwisttheLeaf's advice, He's Smart O.O as Is MikeW
*Gives MikeW a cookie for bieng first to post a reply* Cookie for you
*gives TwisttheLeaf a cookie* cookie for you for smartness and kindness
*Gives the OP a cookie* one for you because you're troubled
*sets up cookie stand to give all other people that reply a cookie* Because giving cookies is my thing :3 I like cooking up cookies

[EvenOlderButWiser]

My recommendations are fairly simple:

1. Try and find out his views on gays in general. Absolutely do not come out at this stage, simply reference something on TV or news (Gay Marriage?) and just see where he goes with it.

2. Depending on his answers to (1) above, when your ready, come out to him. Absolutely no mention to him at this stage that you have a crush on him. Its important that you don't overwhelm him at this stage. If he's not gay, and has no interest in a relationship, you need to be very careful at this stage not to alienate him or your friendship.

3. Once your out to him, see if he is comfortable socialising with you at a gay bar/club or whatever your comfortable with given the community you live in. Even just a coffee/movie together.

4. As your in the closet at the moment, should you decide to come out to him and it does not go as well as you thought it would, then you need to consider what the potential implications could be, especially if your still in education - and word gets out at college.

5. Last, but not least, you need to consider how your family may react, if they find out from a 3rd party about your sexuality. This likely only going to be an issue if things go sour at college, and the gossip starts to get uncomfortable.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck

ObW
X

[50Plus]

Hi John, this is one of the other Johns on here. I agree mostly with previous comments, but not all of them. Some are rather namby pamby, and I mostly do not like namby pamby comments.

You, young man, have a crush on another guy. ABSO-F-ING-LUTELY-FANTASTIC. Good for you. Its an awesome feeling.

Words of Wisdom from another that may or may not be older than the other one above who said he was Older and Wiser.

Absolutely DO NOT pounce on him and rip his clothes off. If he is not gay, most jurisdictions would consider your actions a sexual assault / rape and you could go to jail. If he is gay, then he would enjoy the sex with you, but its likely not going to end up in a long term relationship.

Absolutely find out what are his views on homosexuality. Try to have that conversation one on one. You don't want him to go all macho and testeronie in a group setting, where he is more trying to impress others than give a real perspective.

Absolutely tell him what are your views on homosexuality. This is not about coming out. This is about telling him that you support gay rights, marriage, blah blah blah. It is totally OK to agree with him on aspects of the LGBT community that you disagree with - tis what friends do.

Absolutely answer him if he asks whether you are gay. No, again, this is not about coming out. Its about answering his question. Sometimes, like on one of the GS threads, it is OK to answer a question with another question, like Would it matter to him if you are gay? You would not be saying that you are or lying that you are not, but shifting the conversation back to his views. Afterall, that is the sole intent of your interrogation [oh yes young man, this is sooooo an interrogation]

Absolutely kiss him if he declares that he is gay and interested in you. This is much different than pouncing and ripping clothes off. A kiss could lead to a longer term relationship.

PS. If you chose to ignore the first bit of advice and actually pounce on him and rip his clothes off, can I please ask one favour. VIDEO! WE NEED VIDEO DAMNIT! This GS is a rather poor site for sharing of certain feature length documentaries that we all discuss, but a wink wink perspective. By the way - welcome.

[Humeinator2]

the reason I love this place XD eceryone seems to say there mind, and few seem to have a problem cracking jokes (I THINK that part about a video was a Joke O.O) but I do agree
No clothes ripping
Unless it's hot and there is a video of it

[jimcrackcorn]

Unfortunately,,,, if the fella your in love with is straight,,, the result will be heartbreak for you. He may love you as a friend, but he will not be able to give you the kind of love you want.

My recommendation is to stop seeing him. Cut him out of your social life as much as possible. I say this because most of us cannot move forward until we break the connection that's keeping us emotionally attached to someone. And yes,,, It's gonna hurt to cut him out of your life, but the quicker you do it, the quicker you can get over him and move on.

Some people are able to keep the friendship alive and squash their romantic feelings for their straight friend. If you can do this, then the friendship can continue, but if you cannot do this,, then let him go.

My first great love was a straight friend and I was so deeply in love that I wasn't able to see my way out of it until I cut all ties to him by joining the Military and leaving town. In time I was able to forget about him and move on to a real relationship that has lasted to this day.

My Best Wishes,
Jim