Need some space...

[Bluelight]

Hey everyone,

So, I think I may have posted about this a while ago, but I'm kind of having some renewed anxiety about a close friendship I have with this girl; I'm realizing that she has become very possessive of me as a friend. I've had it pointed out to me before, and lately I've really noticed it; it's almost like she wants people to think that I'm her gay guy. She tends to get jealous when she finds out that I've been hanging out with other friends without her, I mean she tries to hide it, but it's very easy to see right through her...

I enjoy spending time with her very much, I really do, but I just want to establish that I am my own person. I don't want to cut her off, but the thing is, I'm not sure how to loosen her grip on my life without her thinking that I'm cutting her off.

Anyone familiar with this kind of thing? I'm just not quite sure what to do about it at this point, other than slowly start to suggest that I'm establishing boundaries: "Yeah I'm gonna be at a friend's house later but it'd be cool if we can hang tomorrow". That's pretty harmless right?

Also, the classic "sit down and talk" method... no. That'll just open up a big can of worms. She'd see it as a fag/hag "break up" of sorts, and it would cause a lot of drama. Not doing that.

Not that I'm expecting this to go all that smooth anyway, but still, I want to avoid as much drama as I can.

So anyway, opinions, theories, stories, all are welcome. I'd really like to hear from other gay guys about this one, as I do not know anyone in real life who has a situation quite like this.

[Borg69]

I once had a 'fag hag' female best friend. We did everything together, and people always assumed we were a couple. She knew I was gay, but still she developed a crush on me. I guess at first I was in denial about it, or just didn't want to see it, but eventually it came to the point where I couldn't date with her around (she'd get jealous), and she wouldn't date with me around. We were holding each other back.

[StingRay]

Good luck to you. Everytime Ive started off being just friends with a woman it has always turned into her doing one of two things. because shes my friend she begins thinking shes more important to me than women Im dating or she makes it her business to try to run my personal life without telling me. Then the end result is always the same once I assert myself. She starts talking smack about me to everyone she knows and doesn't know. I bet there are women who can be nonsexual friends with men but Ive not met one yet.

[lauj]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I had a situation like that but it wasn't that bad. Every time she and I went out, she expected me to pay for everything. She got very annoying so I just cut her off. I felt really bad but the direction of our relationship was going the wrong way. She knew I was gay but she acted like we were together. Everyone who didn't know who I was thought we were dating. I'm giving her some time before I try to contact her.

[Bluelight]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I had a situation like that but it wasn't that bad. Every time she and I went out, she expected me to pay for everything. She got very annoying so I just cut her off. I felt really bad but the direction of our relationship was going the wrong way. She knew I was gay but she acted like we were together. Everyone who didn't know who I was thought we were dating. I'm giving her some time before I try to contact her.

Ugh I hate that... when people think you're dating and stuff, it's kind of like that in my case. Forgot to mention that we actually went through a phase where she would rub it my face that she had more of a chance getting a guy than I do; I'd be like "he's kind of cute" and then she'd either say "he's straight!" or "well, I kind of like him too so..." or sometimes both.

She'd also ask me what would happen to our friendship if I got a boyfriend, and after a while I just got a little blunt: "Well, I'd probably spend less time with you" (because she was really annoying me at that point).

She jumped on the first guy she could find and sent me a text that day "Oh no! You can't be my gay boyfriend anymore! I'm dating [insert name] now " Needless to say, she ended up breaking his heart, she only wanted him just in case I got a boyfriend first.

I just don't understand how someone can be so selfish. She's had boyfriends before, she's known what it's like to be with someone on that level, yet somehow she makes it out like she naturally has more of a right than I do to even look at a guy.

Sorry for the ramble, this just pisses me off so much...

[lauj]

Ugh I hate that... when people think you're dating and stuff, it's kind of like that in my case. Forgot to mention that we actually went through a phase where she would rub it my face that she had more of a chance getting a guy than I do; I'd be like "he's kind of cute" and then she'd either say "he's straight!" or "well, I kind of like him too so..." or sometimes both.

She'd also ask me what would happen to our friendship if I got a boyfriend, and after a while I just got a little blunt: "Well, I'd probably spend less time with you" (because she was really annoying me at that point).

She jumped on the first guy she could find and sent me a text that day "Oh no! You can't be my gay boyfriend anymore! I'm dating [insert name] now " Needless to say, she ended up breaking his heart, she only wanted him just in case I got a boyfriend first.

I just don't understand how someone can be so selfish. She's had boyfriends before, she's known what it's like to be with someone on that level, yet somehow she makes it out like she naturally has more of a right than I do to even look at a guy.

Sorry for the ramble, this just pisses me off so much...

man I feel your pain, it sounds like she was trying to compete with you and wanted a just in case something goes wrong I have him. You are very strong for dealing with her, I would've just left her in the dust, without saying a word. I can't deal with people like that. The chick that liked me made me feel like I was less than her. Its like in the movies where the guy goes shopping with the girl and he holds all the cloths and pulls out his credit card. Almost like being used. But she never really cared about how I felt. Its so weird, she complains about this guy or that girl and she does the same thing to me.

[Bluelight]

man I feel your pain, it sounds like she was trying to compete with you and wanted a just in case something goes wrong I have him. You are very strong for dealing with her, I would've just left her in the dust, without saying a word. I can't deal with people like that. The chick that liked me made me feel like I was less than her. Its like in the movies where the guy goes shopping with the girl and he holds all the cloths and pulls out his credit card. Almost like being used. But she never really cared about how I felt. Its so weird, she complains about this guy or that girl and she does the same thing to me.

Funny how people like that function. I will admit though, she's matured some. I almost friend-dumped her after that whole thing with the boy-competition, but that only lasted for a little while. I mean, she still gets territorial sometimes, which pisses me off, but yeah, I just want to expand my network this year, be it dating or friendship, whatever comes my way, and just be free to be my own person. At least she didn't make me buy her shit though lol your ex-friend sounds insane.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Its called setting boundaries, yeah? In my case, I would simply ignore her cases of jealousy and not let them affect me and my behavior. She will either deal with it, or she'll move on. Or eventually there will be a confrontation( started by her) where I can tell her about herself and from there either work things out or move on.

[Steve]

I've had the "close personal platonic female friend" experience in my life as well. I think these kind of relationships begin as one thing and morph into another. Time changes the kinds of things people need from one another, and a girl/gay guy relationship is a complex thing from the start. There's something about straight girl/gay guy duos that just seem to implode when one or the others needs aren't being met anymore. Drama-rama. Hagpocalypse. The life and death of the common fruit fly. Leaving the gayby buggy in traffic..

Even if you want to save the relationship between you and your gabe there's going to be some nuqueear fall out. She's gonna get mad and say stuff (and she knows by now exactly what buttons to press to get the maximum reaction from you), and you're going to respond. I think the key is how you respond. If you go "flat" and don't keep giving her material to feed off from (thereby feeding the flame), you'll be better off. Plus you won't have to regret saying things in the heat of the moment... she will. Sorry but, ask any Jewish mother, guilt works. Once the argument has burned out enough, then you have to talk it out.

If she continues to go all "You're a beautiful unicorn and you're all mine! Mine, mine, mine!" then you really just need to back out of the situation. It isn't going to end well anyway, better sooner than later. I would do it gently, making plans without her and not cluing her in, hanging out a little more and more with others (by increment) without her. You have to realize that if she is too addicted to your relationship together (and everything you described suggests this), it isn't going to be a ride off into the sunset ending. Just try to be gentle and remember all the good stuff you had together before everything got all Kathy Bayes in Misery.

[Bluelight]

I've had the "close personal platonic female friend" experience in my life as well. I think these kind of relationships begin as one thing and morph into another. Time changes the kinds of things people need from one another, and a girl/gay guy relationship is a complex thing from the start. There's something about straight girl/gay guy duos that just seem to implode when one or the others needs aren't being met anymore. Drama-rama. Hagpocalypse. The life and death of the common fruit fly. Leaving the gayby buggy in traffic..

Even if you want to save the relationship between you and your gabe there's going to be some nuqueear fall out. She's gonna get mad and say stuff (and she knows by now exactly what buttons to press to get the maximum reaction from you), and you're going to respond. I think the key is how you respond. If you go "flat" and don't keep giving her material to feed off from (thereby feeding the flame), you'll be better off. Plus you won't have to regret saying things in the heat of the moment... she will. Sorry but, ask any Jewish mother, guilt works. Once the argument has burned out enough, then you have to talk it out.

If she continues to go all "You're a beautiful unicorn and you're all mine! Mine, mine, mine!" then you really just need to back out of the situation. It isn't going to end well anyway, better sooner than later. I would do it gently, making plans without her and not cluing her in, hanging out a little more and more with others (by increment) without her. You have to realize that if she is too addicted to your relationship together (and everything you described suggests this), it isn't going to be a ride off into the sunset ending. Just try to be gentle and remember all the good stuff you had together before everything got all Kathy Bayes in Misery.

Hagpocalypse?! Nuqueear?! LMFAO OMG you're literally the best right now!

But yeah, I like the idea of just slowly re-distributing my time between her and others. She's not an idiot, I'm sure she'll understand.