Abusive relationship...?

[Ender]

Thanks for all the responses everyone. Thanks fiji, for the offer to talk more.

StingRay, I think I might have read your post wrong as did Gideon, maybe you could explain? I mentioned the ways in which I feel at fault.

Bowyn hits a lot of truth here that I didn't go into on my OP.

I'm also detecting hints that he himself has been abused. The lashing out to protect himself when you reach at him with his thinking that you are about to hit him is not typical of abusers. It is, however typical of people who have been abused.

From what you said it sounds a lot like he has PTSD and things are triggering these fight episodes.

Bowyn, you are right, I need to maintain clarity and avoid triggers. He *was* abused as a kid. I won't go into the details, but his parents were awful and the things other kids did to him were far worse.

I do fear though that simply doing that will not avoid the escalated fights. He doesn't have the money to avoid a therapist or I would suggest it to him. I've told him in the past that I think it would be best if we both saw one individually, for different reasons, his being this. I could definitely see one but my insurance wouldn't cover his since we're not married and I am not sure what good that would do... or if this would do much good in the long run.

I am often of the opinion these days that I am just ill-equipped to be in a relationship with him.

[StingRay]

StingRay, I think I might have read your post wrong as did Gideon, maybe you could explain? I mentioned the ways in which I feel at fault.

What I was trying to say was that would not have even bothered to comment if you had been been only blaming only the other guy and not admitting some of the things you might have done wrong.

[Ender]

Ah okay. Yes, I know there's always two sides to things, that's why I tried to explain it to some extent. I don't want biased advice.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Bowyn hits a lot of truth here that I didn't go into on my OP.



Bowyn, you are right, I need to maintain clarity and avoid triggers. He *was* abused as a kid. I won't go into the details, but his parents were awful and the things other kids did to him were far worse.

I do fear though that simply doing that will not avoid the escalated fights. He doesn't have the money to avoid a therapist or I would suggest it to him. I've told him in the past that I think it would be best if we both saw one individually, for different reasons, his being this. I could definitely see one but my insurance wouldn't cover his since we're not married and I am not sure what good that would do... or if this would do much good in the long run.

I am often of the opinion these days that I am just ill-equipped to be in a relationship with him.

There is sliding scale practitioners of the Mind Arts. What do you honestly believe I payed for well over a decade of therapy through several therapists? Oh no - you - the Tax Payer - subsidized my whole mental health education, erm I mean 'treatments'. :biggrin:

https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=sli...therapists

More specifically: http://psychcentral.com/lib/finding-low-...py/0001115

Will it help?

Yes, if he is willing and able to face that trauma and start working on it.

I know what its like to be in his shoes. I have PTSD and a few other interesting things due primarily to an abusive childhood. I didn't start seeking real help until after my suicide. I would call it an attempt, but considering I died twice that evening and was resuscitated I am highly confident that I know how to kill myself - as long as others don't interfere.

I hate to think what can be going through his mind. Aside from the mix up that you are starting the attacks, he most likely is confused, scared, horrifies and feeling a great deal of pain over all of this.

He most likely does love you, and it hurts when we hurt the ones we love.

This isn't something that will fix itself, and if left unattended it will grow, worsen, and most likely spread into other areas, like drug abuse, alcoholism, cutting, suicide.

It can also lead to jail, and prison time - which will do far, far much more harm for him and his life than alcohol and drugs. Ex cons lose their rights and have incredibly hard time trying to find work.

Try the public health department in your area. He can also voluntarily hand himself over to the County or City Mental Health department at the government hospital.

His grounds? "I feel I may be a threat to others".

Which is true. He gets triggered and he does bad things to people.

They will hold him, assess him and start getting him set up with either sliding scale or out and out free mental health.

He just needs to be a little honest about the reality that some things trigger him and he loses control.

[Steve]

The thing you need first Ender, is some type of support, whether it is a friend, family member, a therapist/psychiatrist, etc., to discuss this situation. In my opinion you should attempt to get a therapist/psychiatrist as soon as possible. You need more perspective about this problem than most of us here can offer. We can support you with advice, but you need to take steps to make sure your partner receives treatment with a qualified mental health specialist.

I think Bowyn's post sounded fairly accurate and he has given you very good advice. There are many therapists/psychiatrists who will be willing to work on a sliding scale. My own therapist is a nurse practitioner who works for/with a psychiatrist, thus she is able to prescribe psycho-active medications for various medical problems. In any case, seek support/counseling as soon as you possibly can. There are options available, but you must be willing to take the time to research where those options lay. Get online and get telephone numbers. Start calling offices. Don't put off this course of action if he has soothing explanations or you feel that this situation will get better. I believe either scenario is a mistake.

Your partner does sound like he may be suffering from some form of PTSD. Dependent upon the abuse he suffered, he may be associating an immediate situation - whether just talking or an escalation to argument, even one that stems from what seems like nothing at all to you - with some event in his past, whereupon he strikes out first as a defense mechanism. This may be his default behavior when faced with a situation he feels powerless about, when he may feel like you are not understanding his needs, or when he feels you are not listening to him. Possibly he is instantly reacting by reflex to an event from his past. Remember, I'm only guessing here. I don't know him and I haven't the skill set to diagnose any particular problem. I can only give you advice based upon your original and subsequent posts.

It is possible that I may be over reaching here, but I also think your partner could be suffering from a bipolar disorder, which is something I am particularly familiar with. There were many familiar patterns of behavior that I identified with from your initial description of the situation. Especially when you write that many days or weeks, would pass and he exhibited little or no irrational behavior.

Bipolar disorder is often characterized by emotional highs and lows. Depressed behavior (which people often successfully hide) may appear only as a subdued state and can occur for days or weeks at a time. This state of mind has symptoms such as low energy, little drive to participate with activities, extended periods of inactivity, decreased interest in hobbies or accomplishing daily function, etc.
If such depression is followed by moments or days of unexpected anxiety (which often manifest as anger - such behavior is characterized by irrational moods, inconsistent thinking patterns, unexpected outbursts of emotion, heightened vocal outbursts, physical rages,etc.) this may indicate bipolar disorder.

This link to the Mayo Clinic may be helpful for you to understand bipolar disorder: Bipolar Disorder symptoms and causes.

This link, also to Mayo Clinic, may shed more light on PTSD for you as well: PTSD symptoms and causes

I suffer both disorders, so please don't think one condition precludes the other. Either of these issues, from which he may or may not suffer, are only guesses my my part. Nothing takes the place of a professional opinion by a qualified medical physician.

In any case, physical abuse is not acceptable. I understand that you don't know how to extricate him from your life and I understand that you probably don't want to give up this relationship. There may, however, be no alternative to breaking up. You must accept that there may come a point when it is necessary to leave him at a moments notice. You should have a plan including a safe place to stay, a means to call for help, transportation away from him, etc. You cannot be afraid to call the police if it becomes necessary. First and foremost your well being is the paramount issue.

Find a therapist for him and make him aware that in order to continue your relationship with him therapy is required. Make sure when you deliver this news that you are not alone. Help, if only in the next room, must be available if the situation becomes volatile. I would strongly consider therapy for yourself as well. Both of you have been affected by what you describe is a dysfunctional relationship and as such you need someone, even if it is only for a short period of time, to help sort out your feelings and provide some much needed perspective. While I would never condone physical abuse, I do advocate each of you understanding the other person and the issues which have brought you both to this place in your relationship.

The hard truth is that you may have to abandon this relationship. If it were me I would first attempt to discover the cause for his behavior. Additionally it must be made clear to him that physical abuse is off the table and grounds for separation. If his condition is medical and treatable, then you must decide if you are equal to the task of remaining with him. Believe me when I tell you that being in a long term relationship with someone who has psychological issues is not an easy road to travel. It requires tenacity and abundant patience. Leaving this relationship may be your best option.

Unless it is an emergent situation, I would not want to leave him, always wondering and having this "If I'd only just..." type of regret, without a qualified medical opinion. You need to have the facts and options placed before you to make a rational decision.

Needless to say that threats to your life must come before your relationship. If you must, leave.

[Ender]

Thanks Bowyn and Stevie for the information and suggestions. It means a lot to me.

I will start gathering more info and probably making some calls tomorrow. I think my best bet is to first find a therapist myself. Maybe when he sees that I am going he will get more incentive himself to find help. I will try to impress on him the importance of seeing somebody and see if he can find a way to be able to afford it. There is a bit of hope that he might get a different job soon with medical benefits so there's that possibility, too...

I have always wondered if maybe he was suffering from PTSD, or some other sort of personality disorder. It would explain a lot of things. But I too don't want to jump to any conclusion without him getting first diagnosed.

Since I also agree it may be inevitable that I have to break it off, I'll start preparing myself for that route as well.

[Anocxu]

I guess today I will take the heat for being the forum asshole.

Two people in an abusive relationship...
The first one that calls for help... or makes a forum post is considered the victim.

Who ever decides to post here... Read the opening post carefully and multiple times.

Ender is really really good at pushing his boyfriend's buttons and is some how surprised every time his boyfriend responds violently.

Did anyone else get that?

Your boyfriend's reactions are way over the top...but after 4 years.... you know not to push hard.

It's a power struggle. ..
They are each other's triggers and none of you are better than the other!

Enders post describes mostly his boyfriend's reactions. . But... you seem to have your contributions to these situations at a two sentence minimum.

Case of "The Porcupine "
You keep squeezing hard and YOU keep getting hurt.

Your psychological profile.. Hmm.,

I believe you are manipulative. .,

I see your odd mixture of empathy,blame and apathy if you read closely.

You know you helped to spawn a monster...
THAT IS WHAT THIS THREAD SHOULD BE ABOUT.

Verbal abuse... yes abuse... what do you think pushing your boyfriend's buttons was?..
Abuse!!!

Part now...

Stop using the forum to appease your conscience.

[AdamAndWill]

Not sure if I read this wrong or not but um...dude? He actually took a good deal of responsibility/fault for this situation from my perspective on reading the post.

Still my opinion though, that playing a part in what's wrong doesn't make the abusive behavior at all right or justified.

I completely agree with that last sentence, and with what Gideon said earlier. Sadly, abusive behavior usually escalates. If Adam made ne so angry that I was afraid of tipping into being physically abusive, I would just walk away. Under NO circumstances is hitting you, restraining you or screaming at you acceptable.

And here's where you're going to think I'm over the top --- but I work in law enforcement and I've seen really horrible examples of what can happen when abuse is allowed to continue. All of the victims, at some point in the past, had said, "Oh, I know he would never...".
You're in a dangerous situation and you need to get out of it. Now.

[Borg69]

I guess today I will take the heat for being the forum asshole.

Two people in an abusive relationship...
The first one that calls for help... or makes a forum post is considered the victim.

Who ever decides to post here... Read the opening post carefully and multiple times.

Ender is really really good at pushing his boyfriend's buttons and is some how surprised every time his boyfriend responds violently.

Did anyone else get that?

Your boyfriend's reactions are way over the top...but after 4 years.... you know not to push hard.

It's a power struggle. ..
They are each other's triggers and none of you are better than the other!

Enders post describes mostly his boyfriend's reactions. . But... you seem to have your contributions to these situations at a two sentence minimum.

Case of "The Porcupine "
You keep squeezing hard and YOU keep getting hurt.

Your psychological profile.. Hmm.,

I believe you are manipulative. .,

I see your odd mixture of empathy,blame and apathy if you read closely.

You know you helped to spawn a monster...
THAT IS WHAT THIS THREAD SHOULD BE ABOUT.

Verbal abuse... yes abuse... what do you think pushing your boyfriend's buttons was?..
Abuse!!!

Part now...

Stop using the forum to appease your conscience.

There is some truth here ^^^, and I agree with aspects of this.

While I don't think you (the OP) should have to walk on egg shells around him and let him get his own way on everything, there does seem to be a certain amount of "Cause and Affect" going on.

[East]

Since a few people have opened the door (that I would normally avoid on the internet)...I will walk in and try not to piss you off.....my intention is to help you....

The first time I became aware of this kind of thing was when I was in college and working as a waiter. This waitress was being abused by her BF and we all rallied around her everyday...giving her advice and encouragement...I want to barf even still thinking about it. It was drama city and then one day she left him and every one was SOOOO HAPPY......

...and then I noticed something months later when she had her new boyfriend. You could tell he had a problem with anger/jealousy and she was sitting at the counter pushing his buttons trying to get him angry and he was showing great restraint as I am sure he heard about the last guy too as she told anyone who would listen. She became angry with him for not reacting to her "innocent" manipulation.

I saw her very clearly at that moment. She was not the victim and probably never was.

....and then I became a version of her myself sans the physical violence and the whining. I was too embarrassed to let anyone know which is why I didn't whine. He tried physical violence on me right away but I put a stop to it and told him I would kill him if he ever touched me again....I meant it. He knew I meant it. Instead...I settled for psychological and emotional abuse and I felt like the innocent victim (barf)....

In reality..I set it all up and played my part. I had a ton of very decent and handsome and successful guys who wanted to date me or marry me and they were very vocal about it...I didn't have to wonder or guess (I worked in a gay nightclub for 20 years so I met ALOT of men). I had ZERO INTEREST in any of them...I wanted the a*shole ....

Most of it was unconscious on my part ...until it became conscious. I had a period between realizing what I had done and owning it when I didn't know what road I was going to take.....

You see....I wanted to recreate the dynamics of my childhood sans the violence...of my parents relationship...of my role in my family...and he because the guy who I chose to work out all this shit with. I actually was a victim when I was a kid..but not as an adult. Consious or not...I made the choices I made and the only way past them is to own them....there is no other way....he got to play the role of my mom and my dad...I forced them on him whenever he faltered although he DID come equipped for the roles which is why I chose him in the first place...and then I got to be the angelic savoir (barf) .....I cringe when I think about it.

So look into your past...it will probably reveal a lot about why you are in your present situation...and avoid taking the victim road. Find what part you play in this and why you are playing it. If you can do this...you will have a much brighter future ahead of you.