the beginnings

[Gideon]

Well, my parent WERE NOT open and accepting of me at a young age. I, too, have very early memories of my childhood, though they are not what I would refer to as positive.
I can remember my father looking at me like I was some kind of monster after finding me playing dress-up in my mothers shoes when I was around 5. He would look at me that way for the rest of the time I lived with them. My mother loved me very much, but from a very early age she would would constantly tell me that I needed to ack more masculine and speak with a deeper voice.
I never hearts the words "gay" or "homosexual" until I was in my teens and then I heard them daily, directed at me at school.
I HAD heard the term "pervert" a LOT growing up. I knew that a pervert was someone who preyed on and molested children. I even knew a pervert. My uncle, Johnny, molested me from 6-7 years old before he ran away to live in New Orleans when he was 17. The reason he left, was that I had told my mother what he was doing to me. She hid it from my father and made me swear to never repeat what I had told her to any of our family. It took me many, many years of thearpy to forgive her for that.
Funny thing is, it wasn't until Johnny left that I ever heard anyone refer to him as "Gay". It was then that I made the mental connection between what I had heard about "Peverts" and "Gays" being referenced as being one and the same. I became terrified that I too would become a child molester. More years of thearpy....
Oh, and to the OP: yes, your story about an adult male fondling the genitials of a toddler WAS a major trigger for me. Just reading that one line took me all that way back, past all the thearpy, to my grandmothers bathroom with my uncle on top of me. Just so you know.
~Beaux

I didn't share details on my experiences because of the reaction and atmosphere it created and it's still(and will probably always be) a really, really sensitive subject for me.

But thank you, man, for sharing your story and your trauma. There are some really fucked up people in this world, I'm sorry that you too had to go through that. And I'm sorry that you were reminded.

[Beaux]

I didn't share details on my experiences because of the reaction and atmosphere it created and it's still(and will probably always be) a really, really sensitive subject for me.

But thank you, man, for sharing your story and your trauma. There are some really fucked up people in this world, I'm sorry that you too had to go through that. And I'm sorry that you were reminded.

When I read your original post, I thought how brave you were to share it. Later, reading some of the interactions you had with others concerning that one aspect of your post, I couldn't help but feel you have deeper associated feelings about the situation than you have specifically shared.
In fact, your telling of the story reminded me of a story an old friend told me about the first time he felt "different" when he was around 6 and showering with his father. Not so much the story itself, but the casual way it was dropped into the post. When I asked my friend to elaborate on how his incident made him feel, he became very angry and almost seemed desperate to change the subject.
Being a sexual abuse survivor has a lot more facets to it than most people would assume. Often, we question our own role in the abuse, and feel deep seated guilt over having had feelings of pleasure from the abuse.
To illustrate: when I was around 9 years old, my next door neighbor came home crying to her mother that a neighbor further down the road had brought her into his house and showed her "dirty pictures" and fondled her. The next day, I went to that neighbors house and asked him if he would show me the dirty pictures. He shut the door in my face, and for the next few years I lived with a deep feeling of shame over it. I wasn't ashamed that I had basically asked him to abuse me, I was ashamed that he had refused me. I was ashamed because I felt that I wasn't "good enough" for him to want to abuse.
In his telling of the shower story, I saw something of my own shame in his reaction to my questions and his desire to change the subject.
Just thought I would share.
Peace,
~Beaux

[meridannight]

Oh, and to the OP: yes, your story about an adult male fondling the genitials of a toddler WAS a major trigger for me. Just reading that one line took me all that way back, past all the thearpy, to my grandmothers bathroom with my uncle on top of me. Just so you know.

sorry it triggered bad memories for you. and thank you for sharing your story.

my experience was a neutral thing for me; i thought it was obvious from what i wrote. i didn't think that it could trigger something negative for others.

When I read your original post, I thought how brave you were to share it. Later, reading some of the interactions you had with others concerning that one aspect of your post, I couldn't help but feel you have deeper associated feelings about the situation than you have specifically shared.
In fact, your telling of the story reminded me of a story an old friend told me about the first time he felt "different" when he was around 6 and showering with his father. Not so much the story itself, but the casual way it was dropped into the post.

i don't understand, are you talking about Gideon here? you were addressing him but it looks like you could be referring to my post.

in the latter case, nah i don't have any deeper feelings about it.

that incident was a neutral thing for me. not positive, not negative, just neutral. i know people will tell me it was wrong and that i should feel something about it. i never have, and what happened to me at the time did not feel negative. i just didn't want to start an argument on the subject of morality of an adult touching a kid that way, i'd never win that argument. and i agree it's wrong on the adult side. but that specific experience i went through in first person was never negative or wrong to me, and i will never see it that way. that's how arguing about it is pointless. we'll end up nowhere with it.

i wanted people not to focus on that because there was more to my post than that one thing. did you all just take that one thing out it? more important was what was going through my mind when i was a kid, the thoughts i had concerning other boys and being with them, which i also shared in my post. i wanted you to see that more than that incident with my mom's friend. that's why i wanted the issue to be put to rest. but if you really want to talk about it that much i can answer all your questions.

[Anocxu]

Not sure what to make of this thread...
I'm sorry guys...
This thread went from 'celebratory' to creepy to sad...

Maybe it's me..

[Beaux]

sorry it triggered bad memories for you. and thank you for sharing your story.

my experience was a neutral thing for me; i thought it was obvious from what i wrote. i didn't think that it could trigger something negative for others.



i don't understand, are you talking about Gideon here? you were addressing him but it looks like you could be referring to my post.

in the latter case, nah i don't have any deeper feelings about it.

that incident was a neutral thing for me. not positive, not negative, just neutral. i know people will tell me it was wrong and that i should feel something about it. i never have, and what happened to me at the time did not feel negative. i just didn't want to start an argument on the subject of morality of an adult touching a kid that way, i'd never win that argument. and i agree it's wrong on the adult side. but that specific experience i went through in first person was never negative or wrong to me, and i will never see it that way. that's how arguing about it is pointless. we'll end up nowhere with it.

i wanted people not to focus on that because there was more to my post than that one thing. did you all just take that one thing out it? more important was what was going through my mind when i was a kid, the thoughts i had concerning other boys and being with them, which i also shared in my post. i wanted you to see that more than that incident with my mom's friend. that's why i wanted the issue to be put to rest. but if you really want to talk about it that much i can answer all your questions.

No, I want referring to you or to Gideon, I was referring to the friend who was showering with his father and how sometimes people can initiate trigger responses in others with out them understanding why.
The fact that you felt neutral about an adult fondling your genitals as a toddler might not have seemed like a big deal when it happened and I might still not feel like a big deal to you now, but when you post something like that in a public forum you can't really get angry because people comment on it and express how it makes them feel. Everyone has a right to their own responses. That was what I was trying to say, in a more polite way, with my post.
Good day mate,
Beaux

[meridannight]

When I read your original post, I thought how brave you were to share it. Later, reading some of the interactions you had with others concerning that one aspect of your post, I couldn't help but feel you have deeper associated feelings about the situation than you have specifically shared.

well who did you refer to with ''your original post'' then? that's what i was asking about and it couldn't have been your friend who was showering with his father since he hasn't posted here.

[meridannight]

Not sure what to make of this thread...
I'm sorry guys...
This thread went from 'celebratory' to creepy to sad...

it has. and this is exactly what i didn't want to happen here.

all i wanted was you guys to see the bigger picture. instead you took one thing out of the context and made it about that and ignored the rest, even when i told you that's not what it was. maybe i wasn't too clear in the process what exactly bothered me but you could've asked me to clarify myself not assign emotions to my words that were never there.

i'm sorry. if i came across angry that was not what i was. behind the words i was calm, but i guess you can't see through the computer screen. i never intended to make anybody uncomfortable.

i'll let it go and won't be posting here anymore.