Back and Forth

[Jason74]

I came out when I was 22 years old and now I am 40 years old and when I came out at 22 I dated and did the whole gay community thing and would go to gay clubs and all that fun stuff when you first become aware that is what you enjoy doing. I listened to gay dance music and electronic music and what not. I drank long island ice teas and all that stuff. I had a few one night stands until I started a brief relationship with another guy that must have lasted a few months until he broke up with me.

I didn't care who knew that I was gay or what not and I came out at work and eventually came out to my parents and family members. I would go to these nude parties that a older friend showed me and brought me too and would end up fooling around with random guys and I would suck other guys while a guy was sucking me and another guy was rubbing my chest. I loved all the male attention and thinking about it to this day still excites me. I loved the male companionship and the sex was wild.

Then after 6 years of the amazing rollercoaster ride I ended up dating a guy for almost two years and then he cheated on me and I was done with that lifestyle and I went back into the closet. I really didn't feel hurt but I just decided that I wasn't going to date anymore and what not. Well I have told random people that I am gay that I thought were important people in my life and then I get on kicks where I just want to be out and not care who knows and then I get weird and think some people would treat me differently.

The worse thing I think with some people especially straight guys is that when you tell them that you are gay is that they assume that you think they are attractive and I never feel that way like that. I am usually only attracted to other gay guys and not straight guys because I feel like that is a lost cause because I wouldn't get anywhere with a straight guy.

I was recently working at the north rim grand canyon and started a relationship with a female but I also told her about my past with guys and she was taken back and yet wanted to still be with me. Now we are seperated and I want to come out and be proud of who and what I am but I don't feel like everyone should know. I would rather have a boyfriend than a girlfriend anyday because its just more natural for me and the sex is way better. I just feel like I should just do it but where I am living it just makes it hard to meet other gay guys to have relationships with or a one nighter with him.

[matty7]

having someone cheat on you no matter what stage in your life you are is a real kick in the teeth and sometimes impossible to get past so I sympathise,
you have dated guys in the past so you don't have to go as far as you did in the past (naked party's) just get back to meeting guys in the standard places I guess - its totally up to you who you tell that you are gay, if a work mate passes it around then its beyond your control so I would try not to be too concerned, nothing stays secret for ever I guess..take care anyway

[MikeW]

You're a handsome man, Jason, and obviously wedded to the out of doors. I envy you!

Coming out and being out doesn't mean we have to tell everyone we meet. We can be comfortable with our sexual identity and just 'be' who we are and just not make it a big deal of it one way or another. We tell those who need to know for whatever reason.

As far as sex parties and all that, not unusual for younger gay men to be into that sort of scene and then later on feel less interested. Again we can just be who we are. If we want to engage in that kind of thing now or then, nothing wrong with it. But doesn't have to be our end all be all -- its just one of many options.

If you want a relationship, that's always more difficult. Even if you lived in a big city with a lot of gay men, although your chances would be enhanced, so would be the competition and the difficult of finding the right needle in a stack of needles. How do you sort them all out? If you Ive out in the country pickens are slim. So the question might in part become whether you (or the other guy) are willing or able to relocate. That could be dependent on what you do for a living. And so on.

But if you're looking for a partner the most important thing is to advertise, advertise, advertise. You have to use the internet to put yourself out there and say who you are, what you're looking for (and not), what you can and can't do (such as relocate), whether or not you're available for a long distance potential -- or whatever is true for you.

Then if you do meet someone it always become about interpersonal dynamics and the ability to communicate (which is way more than our use of words). You have to be compatible in various ways and, most importantly, you have to be willing to become emotionally interested in the other guy and vulnerable to those feelings.

As you should know by now, there are no guarantees in life about anything. We put ourselves out there and things happen and we deal with them however we do. The choices we make limit the possibilities for the future -- unless we intentionally make choices that lead to more options.

From what I can see, you're a catch! Wish I were 20 to 30 years younger!

Good luck!

[TwisttheLeaf]

Every once in a while I meet someone who goes through that, yeah? That "I'm more interested and attracted to men, but lets try a relationship with a woman anyway" thing. I'm so damned -glad- I didn't have to go through it myself, because damn man. It sounds like a rollercoaster all on its own.

As for now... where you're at now? Mike has some really good advice. You really need to put yourself out there if you want to snag something/someone good. From what I've seen of you on here, you're pretty damned awesome and one hell of a catch.

You could always really just put yourself out there to find what you want, then settle into being more sedate about who knows and all that -after- you find someone to settle in with, yeah?

[Jason74]

I really never expected to hook up with a female but we just got along so great and we would go for hikes together and I never thought about bringing it up that I was either gay or bi or whatever the hell that I am. I mean I am not even sure why I should put a label on myself because if I hot it off with her which I did and we did have sex and the sex was great for both of us and just recently I messed with another guy at a gay spa and I really enjoyed that as well.

I mean honestly if I had to pick it would be with a guy because I enjoy the sex so much more than sex with a female but if the passion is there with a female then I enjoy it. I mean part of me wants to have a long term relationship with a guy but then part of me doesn't and I just pay it as it comes and if I do then cool, if I don't that is cool as well. I guess love happens when you are not looking for it so perhaps that guy will come into my life when I am not looking.

Though the worse part of myself is that I don't give out that gay vibe or other gay guys don't know that I am gay and I think a big part of that is because I am shy when it comes to other guys and talking to them so that is probably another reason I am alone. Don't get me wrong though, I am not one of those guys crying at night because I am alone. I just have been so used to being on my own that being alone is pretty nice.

Man I am one complicated guy when it comes to relationships of either sex.

[Borg69]

Dumped. Cheated on. Creepy old guy sex parties...

Just going on what you've written here it doesn't sound like you've had any really positive gay experiences. It's no wonder you're apprehensive about dating guys.

[Virge]

Hey Jason

A while back on member here put up a link to this test to determine and define exactly where we all sit in regards to our individual sexualities.

I always had trouble with the Straight OR Bisexual OR Gay labels because none of them really applied to me the way they were defined by "Authorities" and on the street. With all you've written about your sex life I bet you'll learn some things from taking the test and I'd like to know how your results turn out.

If your results look too weird at first go back and read all the complete definitions for each term used by clicking the names on each one on the link below and get a better understanding of it all.

here's how mine came up. It reflects pretty close to how I feel about myself and my attractions to men and women and what attracts me to them individually and together. My biggest turn ons that would lead to anything long range have next to nothing to do physical characteristics.

20% ambisexual
55% 'heteroflexible'
03% polyamourous
22% straight
00% gay

Go here>>>> http://flexuality.wordpress.com/take-the-test/

You can figure out your percentages from the vertical bar chart that will come up with the results.

[Anocxu]

After all that coming out.
How do you go back into the closet?

[Jason74]

With all the coming out in the past I think that its easy to go back into the closet since I do not live back in the state or city that I came out in. I mean I have friends on facebook and family knows but when they found out that I was dating a female I am sure they were a bit confused. I think its easy to go back in because you only tell the people that matter in your life and for instance the jobs that I have had over the last 4 years have been seasonal jobs that have taken me all over the country.

I don't tell people that I am gay or anything unless it comes up. I would say that in all honesty I identify myself more gay than anything else because before I came out when I was twenty two I did have sexual experiences with females and I did enjoy them but I knew that deep down I enjoyed the company of men more. I have had more sexual experiences with men as well. I tend to look at porn that involves men having sex with other men and rarely ever look at straight porn. Though at times I do enjoy lesbian porn, sorry just cannot lie about that.

So I guess it just always depends on where I am at in my life and what interests me. I am not saying that I will ever have feelings for a female again or that I won't because I don't know what the future has in store for me and I do not know if I will or will not have a relationship with a guy again. I know for sure that I will probably have a sexual encounter with guys in the future but I am not sure about relationships with another guy.

I am not really ashamed of being gay or anything but I just don't tend to bring it up if its not a topic that is brought up. I just don't feel like I have to tell everyone that I meet, oh by the way I am gay. If its between men and women I would pick men. I think that sometimes I just live the lifestyle when I want to and don't live it when I don't want to. I mean I haven't gone to a gay bar in a very long time just like I haven't hung out with other gay guys in a long time as well. I have't been in a relationship with a guy in like ten years and I still stay in contact with my last ex.

I just don't find that its very serious for me to be out of the closet. I know that some people struggle to come out of the closet and couldn't even think about going back in but it wasn't that hard for me to do. Like I said the people that matter know and the people that don't know don't really matter to me. Yet after just being in a relationship with a female that just sort of rocked the boat for me emotionally and I am not sure about myself and who or what I am.

Well anyway I am probably thinking too much into it and just take life as it comes and stop puting labels on who and what I am.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Well labels are useful... If they weren't every night dinner would be a surprise for most people since without labels canned food looks all the same:



Humans need labels for themselves in order to get some idea of where they fit in life.

Sure there is the point where the label becomes to important and people get lost, but then there is also the other point where without the label one is lost as well.

Again, view image above.


Jason, you are not the most settled of people. You have moved about the country a lot over the past what 5 years? Washington, or was it Oregon? California not to long ago (rather close to me I recall) and now Colorado.

Your love-life sorta resembles the rest of your life.... Always on the move, never settling down for the long haul.

I have no idea what motivates the moving around bit.... Witness protection program? Running from someone (running from self)? Easily bored and need new adventures? What other potentials can exist there?

This may be something you need to think about and ask yourself all sorts of questions, then try to step outside of the situation and see how it affects other aspects of your life.

Now you're 40. I'm sure a lot of people will tell you 'its just a number, don't worry about it' but not to long ago I hit the magical Four Oh and I know that it has an emotional impact. It feels like millions of miles away from Thirty-something even if its thirty~nine.

Curiously, the last time you were here you were looking for gay bars, hook-ups with guys... I haven no idea if you found what you wanted... but there was this similar current of wanting to understand who and what you are - and a touch of the old 'fuck it' and run on to something else.

I have to wonder if you ever did the whole serious sit down and talk with yourself to find out who Jason really is. Maybe you need that talk now, need to get to know who YOU are and come to terms with that person.

This label thing becomes important as self identity. Granted some people take it way to seriously and let the label dictate their every breath... but those without a few lables to kind of give names to the map of life end up spinning their wheels, going in circles and ever finding full satisfaction in life.