Virginity, Relationships, Dating and Sex.

[Rojo1990]

So I wasn't too sure which section to post my request for help in but seeing as it's going to cover a multiple of topics I thought this would be the best as it generally covers everything... Right?

So where do I begin.. This is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to write... I don't actually know what or how to write all this... Just going to wing it.

SO!! As the thread title suggests, I am indeed a virgin. Yes I am 24 years old, a lot of people seem to be shocked at this when I tell them. I guess thats just how our generation is.

Now my advice I am asking for isn't your generic topic about sex, with questions like "Is my first time going to hurt?" "What should I eat before I have sex?" Yadda yadda yadda, so don't worry haha. I have already googled about all of that and asked advice for about stuff like this already so I am pretty much okay with that stuff...

Okay so the first thing I'd like to ask is how important is sex to you when you start seeing someone?

I myself have ever been in one relationship, and that was when I was 18. We were both virgins, which is why I think it worked. though it ended up ending badly because eventually he was ready for sex, which I still wasn't.

So that was the end of that... fast forward a bunch of years, I'm now 24, still single after dating loads of different men, and still a virgin. All the guys I have dated I tend to mention about my virginity and everyone has been pretty cool about this, like I said earlier they are usually shocked, but cool about it.

The thing is, as I am getting to know a guy (especially recently) I will tell them I am a virgin and that I want to take things slow. Some flee right away at this, which is fair enough if they want something more sexual then go for it. But a lot of the others seem to ~look over this~ and this assume I am going to put out right away. Some will even ask me to put out before we even to go on a date.

Now I'm just wondering is this actually like really really normal? Is there no one out there who is willing to take it slow or anything? Am I going to have to put myself out there and have sex just to be able to have a relationship with someone?

Because if it' is like that I am scared I will never be able to make a strong connection with someone. That I am going to keep living this same stupid ridiculous life all alone till the day I die. All because I am freaking terrified about having sex. The fear I have about this is unbearable.

Now I will talk about something that I find really really really heavy. It is something I have only ever spoken to one other person about and she's only able to help me to a certain extent.

So the root of everything that is going on with me now dates back to a long time ago. To when I was a kid. I can't remember my age but I was old enough to remember what was happening, but not old enough to understand what was happening.

So when I was kid and my family moved to the uk (I'm originally from India) my dad took a job as a security guard and my mum stayed at home looking after me. After a little while my mum then decided to work and she also took a night time job. Then they were left with a problem, who was going to look after me? that's where uncle P comes in. Uncle P was my dads boss at work and a close family friend. Hence why he's "Uncle P" even though we weren't blood related.

Uncle P was an awesome guy. Like something out of a book. He lived just out of town with his wife (Aunty K) with two border collies, a parrot, a horse and a pair of squirrels. He had tons of acres of farmland at the back of his house and a woodland close by.

Whenever both my parents were working at nights I would stay with Uncle P and Aunty K. Staying there was like an adventure. I would help Uncle P out on the farm feeding the animals, he taught me how to fish and so many other things and then at the end of the day we would go home to an amazing cooked meal that Aunty K slaved away all day to make with my sister. We'd spent so much time there they eventually set up their two spare bedrooms into our own rooms. My was decked out like mad, the shelves were filled with books, they got me a treasure chest filled with toys and everything. The place was a dream, I prefered it to my own home.

Everything was amazing and we had this routine for a while and then my sister decided to stay with her friends instead or at home on her own. I carried on staying with Uncle P. And I think that was when things started to turn.... into a nightmare.

Now this is the hard part to write... I don't know exactly when things happened but after a lot of therapy (the women I mentioned before) I have started to be able to remember more... Or I should say accepting more. It has always been there, at the back of my head but I have never truly accepted it. Though I have been told accepting it will be the first step in moving forwards. I don't know.

Ok... I tired to write what happened but I can't. I have been sitting here for about 50 minutes trying to write it but I can't.. I just don't know...I'm sorry. I just hope you can assume what happened from what I have said and can still help me and help in anyway. Because I am seriously at my wits end now... I really don't know what to do anymore and I just want to be able to move forwards with my life but I don't know what to do.

I want to find a man, I want to start a relationship I want to settle down I want to have sex and I just... I want to be able to make someone happy. But I can't and I don't know what to do about it.

I've been trying to find someone who is able to take it slow but I can't, it's like i'm asking the impossible. I don't even know if I should mention about my past. I never have and I don't know if mentioning it would help or not... If anything it would scary off the guys who really just want sex I guess. But how do I go about mentioning something like that... and saying that I see a lot of guys saying they don't want to date a guy with a lot of baggage... and I have a lot...

I just don't know what to do anymore. My therapist can't tell me what to do but she tells me to just take my time and don't force myself into anything I don't want to do. I already know that and I am doing that but... I'm just getting nowhere.

If any of you have any help or advice you can give me I am more than happy to listen to it. Anything will be beneficial to me right now... I am really getting desperate and I really just don't know how I can live on like this,

If you read all the way down to here, sorry about the huge wall of text but thank you so much for reading it all. It really means a lot.

XX

[Gideon]

You need to find someone you can talk to about this, man. A professional is probably the best advice, but a little harder to accept than say...a trusted friend.

I can tell you from my own experiences and assumptions that the guilt and shame you're likely feeling? It's natural to feel that way and it's also probably very much unfounded. If this is what I'm assuming it is, survivors of molestation often feel these things, they blame themselves and they find it really hard to talk about.

It took me a really, really long time to ever admit it to myself, much less anyone else. I had blocked it out for a very, very long time.

But talking does help, that first time admitting it outloud...it helps. Maybe not in the moment, but it is part of the healing process.

I'm going to leave the rest of this alone because I think until you tackle this issue, the other ones are just too much for you to handle in a healthy way.

Good luck to you man, and know that you're not alone out there....not even in the nightmare.

[Virge]

Wow you brought your shopping list, didn't ya? THANKS for not giving us a wall of text to read! We love paragraphs! okay. here goes.
[quote=Rojo1990]So I wasn't too sure which section to post my request for help in but seeing as it's going to cover a multiple of topics I thought this would be the best as it generally covers everything... Right?
Right!

So where do I begin.. This is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to write... I don't actually know what or how to write all this... Just going to wing it.
No matter how much great advice you get here you are going to have to WING IT. There are no rules or guides that are totally reliable.

SO!! As the thread title suggests, I am indeed a virgin. Yes I am 24 years old, a lot of people seem to be shocked at this when I tell them. I guess thats just how our generation is.
It's not just "our generation. It's all generations. The older guys here will let you know that.

Now my advice I am asking for isn't your generic topic about sex, with questions like "Is my first time going to hurt?" "What should I eat before I have sex?" Yadda yadda yadda, so don't worry haha. I have already googled about all of that and asked advice for about stuff like this already so I am pretty much okay with that stuff...
Remember to wing it. Others can give you hints about what to eat or not eat and how to wash out. But none of that is totally foolproof. The main thing to prevent pain the first time (based in my own one time at being penetrated the first time) is to have an experienced guy who is more focused on making YOU enjoying it than acting like he's a porn star breaking in a virgin. The first time with my guy was only about 15 minutes, he did all the work and jerked me off while he was doing it to me and really great with the kissing and all that. He was slow and careful not to do anything rough. It was wonderful. After that it was a matter of time for me to get comfortable about getting wild about it with him. Size of his penis can be an issue. BUT if he's large then he should spend extra time in foreplay to help you get physically and mentally ready. That's why you should do it the furst time with someone with experience.


Okay so the first thing I'd like to ask is how important is sex to you when you start seeing someone?
VERY IMPORTANTThe attraction and the momentum of the passion that makes for the desire is usually the factor that brings two people closer and helps them form a strong relationship. People who believe in suppressing sexual desires in order to date are putting a false value on sex -- that it is something besides the result of spontaneous mutual attraction. If you are interested in a guy and he;s interested in you there's no reason to keep from sex unless you are uncomfortable about it with him.

I myself have ever been in one relationship, and that was when I was 18. We were both virgins, which is why I think it worked. though it ended up ending badly because eventually he was ready for sex, which I still wasn't.
No comment.

So that was the end of that... fast forward a bunch of years, I'm now 24, still single after dating loads of different men, and still a virgin. All the guys I have dated I tend to mention about my virginity and everyone has been pretty cool about this, like I said earlier they are usually shocked, but cool about it.
If you are saving yourself for the "right man" good luck. You will never know who is right by refraining from sex. You will never know who is the right man by having sex. You will know the right man when you meet the right man. Waiting for him will not make it easier to find him but may make it harder to find him and keep him.

The thing is, as I am getting to know a guy (especially recently) I will tell them I am a virgin and that I want to take things slow. Some flee right away at this, which is fair enough if they want something more sexual then go for it. But a lot of the others seem to ~look over this~ and this assume I am going to put out right away. Some will even ask me to put out before we even to go on a date.

Now I'm just wondering is this actually like really really normal?The term "normal" is relative. It is not normal for a 24 year old to wonder if others are normal without first asking himself the same question. Is there no one out there who is willing to take it slow or anything? Am I going to have to put myself out there and have sex just to be able to have a relationship with someone? Is there something wrong with that? If you want a relationship with a man you will have to compete for him with what you have to offer, not keep it from him. I had sex with my man before I knew his full name or his age. That was December 27th 2006 -- the day that we began on this adventure to become companions for life. It was not easy and took another 2 years for us to commit to each other. I would not have him today if I had not had sex with him that first night.

Because if it' is like that I am scared I will never be able to make a strong connection with someone. That I am going to keep living this same stupid ridiculous life all alone till the day I die. All because I am freaking terrified about having sex. The fear I have about this is unbearable.
If you are afraid of having sex you need to concentrate on that waaaaaaaaaaaaay before you start worrying about having sex.

Now I will talk about something that I find really really really heavy. It is something I have only ever spoken to one other person about and she's only able to help me to a certain extent.

So the root of everything that is going on with me now dates back to a long time ago. To when I was a kid. I can't remember my age but I was old enough to remember what was happening, but not old enough to understand what was happening.

So when I was kid and my family moved to the uk (I'm originally from India) my dad took a job as a security guard and my mum stayed at home looking after me. After a little while my mum then decided to work and she also took a night time job. Then they were left with a problem, who was going to look after me? that's where uncle P comes in. Uncle P was my dads boss at work and a close family friend. Hence why he's "Uncle P" even though we weren't blood related.

Uncle P was an awesome guy. Like something out of a book. He lived just out of town with his wife (Aunty K) with two border collies, a parrot, a horse and a pair of squirrels. He had tons of acres of farmland at the back of his house and a woodland close by.

Whenever both my parents were working at nights I would stay with Uncle P and Aunty K. Staying there was like an adventure. I would help Uncle P out on the farm feeding the animals, he taught me how to fish and so many other things and then at the end of the day we would go home to an amazing cooked meal that Aunty K slaved away all day to make with my sister. We'd spent so much time there they eventually set up their two spare bedrooms into our own rooms. My was decked out like mad, the shelves were filled with books, they got me a treasure chest filled with toys and everything. The place was a dream, I prefered it to my own home.

Everything was amazing and we had this routine for a while and then my sister decided to stay with her friends instead or at home on her own. I carried on staying with Uncle P. And I think that was when things started to turn.... into a nightmare.

Now this is the hard part to write... I don't know exactly when things happened but after a lot of therapy (the women I mentioned before) I have started to be able to remember more... Or I should say accepting more. It has always been there, at the back of my head but I have never truly accepted it. Though I have been told accepting it will be the first step in moving forwards. I don't know.

Ok... I tired to write what happened but I can't. I have been sitting here for about 50 minutes trying to write it but I can't.. I just don't know...I'm sorry. I just hope you can assume what happened from what I have said and can still help me and help in anyway. Because I am seriously at my wits end now... I really don't know what to do anymore and I just want to be able to move forwards with my life but I don't know what to do.
You need to resolve this issue BEFORE you carry it into a mature relationship. There are people who can help you with this and you need to turn to them as soon a possible. Carrying this unresolved issue into a relationship is going to make it worse, not better. Seek a psychologist or therapist.

I want to find a man, I want to start a relationship I want to settle down I want to have sex and I just... I want to be able to make someone happy. But I can't and I don't know what to do about it.
Wanting this and being ready for this are not one and the same thing. You need to work on your problems first. A relationship will not fix your problems.

I've been trying to find someone who is able to take it slow but I can't, it's like i'm asking the impossible. I don't even know if I should mention about my past. I never have and I don't know if mentioning it would help or not... If anything it would scary off the guys who really just want sex I guess. But how do I go about mentioning something like that... and saying that I see a lot of guys saying they don't want to date a guy with a lot of baggage... and I have a lot...
Take them at their word. If you are not the person YOU want to spend the rest of your life with do not be disappointed if no one else wants to do it for you.

I just don't know what to do anymore. My therapist can't tell me what to do but she tells me to just take my time and don't force myself into anything I don't want to do. I already know that and I am doing that but... I'm just getting nowhere.
Then your therapist is incompetent. Find another. Remember that even with a great therapist 95% of the work recovering is up to you.

If any of you have any help or advice you can give me I am more than happy to listen to it. Anything will be beneficial to me right now... I am really getting desperate and I really just don't know how I can live on like this,

If you read all the way down to here, sorry about the huge wall of text but thank you so much for reading it all. It really means a lot.
[SIZE="5"][COLOR="Red"]I read it all and see that you are like other guys close to your age and mine who also are virgins. I did much thinking before coming up with an answer for them in their written desires to move past being virgins. Had I known when I began writing this answer to your long letter I did not suspect where it was leading. Had I known I would have cut and pasted this from a previous answer.

I'm giving no one advice about virginity or whether to lose it with a hook up or wait for some guy on a white horse to ride into the animated story.

I've done a LOT of serious thinking the past few days since 27 y/o Axe let it be known he was a virgin on his thread about having a crush on his straight room mate. Now 26 y/o CuriousPhoenix says he is. So that made me really do some thinking.

The best I can come up with is if a guy makes it that far in life without experiencing sex virginity can't be the problem --- it has to be the symptom of other problems that aren't being talked about. This is about the same as a man having a heart attack asking his doctor to do something to help him change his skin color from blue to normal.

With that out of the way if you guys want to stop talking about the symptoms and deal with the problems maybe some of us can help you.

But that's just the opinion of a dumb loudmouth 26 y/o non virgin. Take it for what it's worth.
__

I wish you luck. You have much work to do to achieve what you wish to have. [/COLOR][/SIZE]

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Why not just create an online profile on one of the many dating apps that are out there, and see what happens?

As long as your honest with the profile, post a picture if possible and don't have any huge expectations, there is really no better, or safer way, to dip your toe in the dating market so to speak.

The one thing I can't give you any advice on is whether being Indian will be an advantage or disadvantage. Most (but absolutely not all) guys tend to stay within their own racial profile when it comes to dating, although there are of course those who have very successful mixed cultural relationships.

From a cultural perspective, will being Indian make coming out to family a challenge, or is that something you think you can manage with no real issues?

[Steve]

Virge gave all the advice you really needed to hear. I'll only add, you've obviously been through trauma and are seeing a therapist. That's the right answer. I understand when your therapist tells you to take your time and not be forced into anything that you're not ready for. I'll ask this question: Is she helping/making you face your past? If you're only meandering about during sessions and not taking on the tough feelings and questions, considering them and answering them, you're wasting your time.

What stands out most clearly from your post is that you cannot even write about the abuse you suffered. You have to come to terms with the consequences of abuse... fear and shame. Shame is an awful thing. You can set up house and live in it for a very long time. Living with shame causes all manner of self doubt, self esteem issues, insecurity, depression, and anxiety. Fear paralyzes you from moving forward.

You must come to terms with your past. The truth of the matter is, you will never forget it, those memories will always be with you. The solution is learning how to live with your past. You must turn around the negative memories, that unrelenting wheel in your head, that dwells only the reality of what happened. You must remember to tell yourself that it was abuse, something done to you not something you consented to. Start looking for ways to draw strength from your past. Believe in yourself. Remember, you have survived. Surviving life is one of the toughest lessons you'll ever learn. Don't let it make you hard, let it make you strong.

Virginity is only a word. It means something, yes, but as long as you're first encounter is with someone who will take care of you, put your needs first, you have nothing to worry about. If guys run when you tell them, you don't want anything to do with them anyway.

If you tell a guy that its your first time, and he wants to have sex with you, make sure he's willing to treat you right. Be careful, be safe, and be thoughtful. If you have doubts about the guy. listen to your gut. If he is sincere. let go of the label. Stop thinking of the word virgin as a stigma. And remember, you can stop the process of sex anytime you're uncomfortable and need to stop. That's your right.

Once this happens you'll learn what you like about sex, and what you'd rather not repeat. And believe me, whatever you decide you like that is respectful to your partner, you will find an entire group of men who want what you are willing to provide.

The question, in my mind, is simple: Do you want to live in fear, or do you want to be free and happy? Deal with your past and find out.

Take care my friend.
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[Cuddly]

About the "not dating a guy with alot of baggage", that's total crap. Everybody has baggage, it's a matter of how you handle it or how well you hide it.
I too assume that you were the victim of some abuse, seemingly sexual, while visiting Uncle P without your sister and that's horrible. But that's years ago! You were the victim of horrible stuff, years ago! Don't continue being the victim. You've been through hell and it has left you wounded. Let the wounds heal and be a stronger scarred guy.

There's nothing wrong with being a virgin and there's nothing wrong with being single. You'll find somebody special, someday. If you look for him, you'll probably find him sooner than you otherwise would, but there's more to life than sharing it with somebody. Life is perfectly capable of being lived alone - or so I've heard.

Maybe what you need is sex, as part of your healing. As for satisfying or making somebody happy, sexually, that's really quite simple, as you will come to know.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Childhood: We both appear to share a common frame of reference there.

You don't have to talk about it. Don't have to get into details about it. If you can't bring yourself to talk about it, its perfectly fine and even healthy to a greater degree to not force yourself.

Even at age 48 I have problems with discussing the 'ancient past'. I hint at it, and will tell a potential partner that I was abused as a child - but I don't do details or specifics.

Most people who have similar experiences have the same issue with talking about it. It is typical or if you prefer the word: normal.

I guess you have already reached a point in your process of recovery where you have clearly redefined virginity in a manner that suits your situation. This too is very common for folk who share this common frame of reference.

I deal with it by saying something like 'I have only been with 8 guys willingly'... the key word 'willingly' hints that there is something more there which is easier to digest for myself.

I'm 48 years of age and 'the ancient past' tends to affect me still. I'm sorry to be the one to say this, but I seriously doubt that your 'ancient past' is going to magically vanish and cease to be an issue. It will pop up and have its affects. BUT - when you start dealing with it and working on it, it pops up less and affects less of your life.

It will be there and it will continually influence you in a lot of ways. However you are doing the right thing in going to a therapist, who will assist you in figuring out a way to put the ancient past in a perspective that allows you to thrive in your live, not merely survive or exist.

You can reduce its sting, find ways to move on and cope, diminish its influences, work around it. Understanding it and how it affects you gives you power over it....

Sadly it only takes one moment to damage a human psyche, and usually it takes a far longer time to repair that damage.


Therapy:

My therapist can't tell me what to do but she tells me to just take my time and don't force myself into anything I don't want to do.

A therapist isn't there to tell you what to do.

Good therapy means the therapist listens to you, and asks you questions to ask yourself and prompts you to answer for yourself.

A good therapist will offer suggestions, and will often enough say 'I don't know'.

There is no magic set of rules and regulations - humans do not come with owners' manual, thus there is no trouble shooting page to systematically address many issues.

A therapist is there to help you to 'peel your onion'. Dealing with 'stuff' means we have to peel off layer of layer of experiences, each layer we examine and try to figure it out and put it in context then we peel off the layer below that one, which gives us more understanding, because the layer below influences the layer above. Its an ongoing process, often taking years to get down to the heart of a matter.

Do not be discouraged by that, because in the process of peeling the onion we often do resolve 'stuff' and figure out new coping mechanisms and learn to deal with stuff which makes life easier in the long run.

Your therapist is right in that you should not force yourself to do anything you do not want to. I do not see the answer as being incompetence, I see it as honesty and owning to the small fact that you and only you have the answers that reveal you - no therapist can answer this question for you.

Finding a man who accepts 'drama':

Yes a lot of guys don't want to deal with issues or as many call it 'drama'. I fear that many who will accept this in you may not be good for your health. If a guy is willing to take you and your issues on you need to be very careful.

I made the mistake of not learning that early on #2 is the extreme 'worst case' he took on my 'issues' and stuff because it made it far, far easier for him to get inside my walls and isolate me from others and do a lot of stuff that opened the doors to his brand of abuse. Its not for a few years (and a few more major mistakes in life) that I learned that victims of abuse tend to draw abusers - our situation, our mindset, our desire to find someone who can accept us on our terms usually sends a clear signal to abusers that they can charm and con their way into our heart and then do as they will with us.

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/...-sort.html is one such place where this phenomenon is discussed.

Another: http://hopewhentherewasnone.blogspot.com...users.html

Right now you have the virginity thing which is most likely protecting you far more efficiently than you know. Whilst you see it as a 'bad thing' its actually a good thing. It is going to weed out the large number of guys who want 'just sex' and will send them scurrying.

I'm sorry to report this, but from the copper age (My youth) to present, a large number of gay males are only interested in sex. You will have to ask an older member than me (older than 50) what it was like in the stone age.... I assume it was the same...

BUT - as most guys get older they get these yearnings and desires to settle down, make a home, marry and 'stuff' like that. Age has its advantages.

It is not perfect protection, and you still need to be mindful, there are guys out there who will play games and tell you all the right things and pretend/act like they are seeking a relationship when all they are really seeking is to make you yet one more conquest. I would suggest using the 30 day no sex policy once your virginity expires (it will you know, eventually you will find a guy who will assist you out of that era of your life - give it time).

The reality is that you most likely need to do a bit more research about people and what makes human's tick. Your situation is such that you really need to know more about yourself and what your overall demeanor and behaviors because of your ancient past signals to the predators and potential mates out there.

I suspect that your fear of sex is actually your mind protecting you from what it already knows is a world full of landmines and pit falls. I suspect that once you get a bit more knowledge about the type of guys who will be most likely to date you, your mastery of that knowledge will take a lot of the fear out of sex.


I was fortunate in my first lover. He waited for 6 months as I struggled with the whole concept of my being gay. My issue was that I was so deep in my closet I thought myself a natural celibate. Amongst other things.....

He was luck of the draw.

But.....

He wasn't all together healthy himself - mentally and emotionally speaking. To the point where he ended up going to prison for a long time for armed robbery with a side of murder since the gun went off and the person being robbed died.

#2 - was an abuser, #3 had seriously self esteem issues and actually fed on my lower self esteem to boost his own. #4 introduced me to the needle in the arm, we had an on again off again relationship which included lots of meth and other interesting things..... #5 was a total bitch - trust me this is his self appointed title, and he wears it proudly.

#5 I met in a 'dry bar' which catered to gays who were mostly in AA and NA. #6 I meet in the local AA meeting... Yeah I have a minor substance abuse 'problem'... So did they!

#6 and I ended up 14 years together in a quiet relationship.... Not perfect, but one that worked for a long period of time. My 'reward' for all of the trial and error was a repreive from total insanity.


Do you see the pattern here?

This is a common pattern for survivors of any form of abuse.

The good news is that most of the survivors of abuse I have known that have actually worked on their 'issues' have ended up in quiet, long term relationships. No not perfect relationships (no one gets that), but relatively healthy, and decent relationships.

Most of us get past a lot of 'shit' from the past and learn how to live with it and manage the side effects. We often learn a lot more about self than normal people, thus end up having it better than many of those who don't have 'shit' to deal with.

We also tend to be more compassionate, empathetic and understanding of the plight of the human condition, which makes many of us better people.

[meridannight]

sex is very important to me, starting a relationship and in a relationship. i can take things slowly, and depending on how soon and how deeply i connect with the guy, the pace is different with different guys. i can put off sex but it's more likely to happen if i really care about the guy and if it's really important to him. but it's a short-term waiver. eventually i'm gonna need it, and i'm not gonna wait forever for this. i need to connect with a guy on that level, and i need to know that he wants to connect with me like that as well. relationships that don't have sex are called friendships, and that's fine too, but it's a completely different thing than a romantic relationship. so yeah, i think sex is very important, in fact, it's one of the most important things in a relationship.

but your issues with sex and fear of it clearly originate from your trauma with that uncle P. you can't even bring yourself to type what happened to a bunch of people you don't know under an online alias likely no-one can connect to your real life identity. you haven't even begun to face the problem. and it's not going to get any better than this until you actually address the issue. it's not gonna go away on its own, not gonna just vanish all of a sudden and make your life okay. you have to address it and that inevitably means you're gonna have to talk to someone and open up. no matter how horrible it is. the only way to get past it is to fully process what happened. as long as you keep avoiding it there will be no improvement.

the way i see it, you don't have issues with sex. you have issues with what happened to you and that manifests as your negative attitude towards sex. if you want all the things you said you do, a relationship, to make a guy happy, you need to get healthy in first person first. there's no getting around it. and the sooner you do it the sooner you can move on with your life.

[deepu69]

Hi Rojo
Greetings from a fellow Indian. I totally understand how difficult talking can be. And we Indians are masters of being more vocal in silence and reading between the lines. Many people offered very good advice already.

For me, if I really like someone and am building a relationship, sex will also come along before long. Sexual preferences, compatibility is also important for me. Very often it shows how flexible and understanding a person really is.

In your case, does your reluctance to indulge in sex with a man whom you really love has something to do with your childhood experience? You have to get rid of any anxieties or fears that are still lingering in your mind, triggered by those traumatic days.

Talk to someone..
Best of luck..

[Wade]

Full disclosure: I haven't read a word of the actual first message in this thread... But after seeing the subject heading I just wanted to congratulate OP on creating the most accurate name for this website that could possibly exist. Just throw in the word "men" and ".com" somewhere in there and we should start seeing Mexican cartel level traffic.