Friends with ex-boyfriend.

[rroepcke]

Hey guys,

I've been seeing this guy for about six months now and so far it's been pretty bumpy trust-wise, we've resolved all of these issues and made changes. I love him an incredible amount but there's a small issue I can't seem to get over and want to post about it.

He is friends with all of his exes and ex-FB's - I don't understand it. Anyway this is about one ex in particular - this week he went out to dinner with his most recent ex (he only has three and quite a few more ex-FWB/FB's). I do not trust this ex at all, he cheated on my partner when they were together with his current boyfriend and from what my partner has told me appears to be a not very nice person. I have outright asked to meet him because I've met one of his other exes and we got along well and are now friends, but every time my partner asks him he says 'not interested, I don't care about meeting him and I don't want to know him'. I think it's incredibly suss and that the ex has some sort of dodgy agenda.

I brought this up with my partner and he told me outright to deal with it - I think he thinks it's more jealousy than anything but it's not - I want him to have friends and friend/alone time and I'm happy to be accommodating with those sorts of things - the thing I'm not comfortable with is not being able to know this guy and see the way that they interact with each other which would put me at ease.

I also have more questions to ask about the ex - I'm fairly sure the ex hasn't told his current boyfriend that he's back in contact with my partner, and they only talk via snapchat chat, which is adding fuel to my suss-fire (haha) because that way there's no record of the conversation. I think I need to think of a way to ask these kinds of questions without making my partner feel attacked.

And yeah there is definitely some jealousy in there along with a couple of trust issues - I don't want my partner to fall for this guy again (not just for my sake but because I think the guy is a player) and also unfortunately (because I have a crazily active imagination) after the dinner he came over to my house and generally we are pretty sex crazy with each other and he didn't want to (and hasn't all week, and just cancelled our standing friday plans) I don't know if i'm being paranoid or if something is up - I guess I would like some advice on the random jumble of feelings above!

[CellarDweller]

The bottom line is you really can't restrict who your partner is friends with. You say you want him to have a life aside from you, and that's a good thing, but you can't impose yourself into that life by telling him who he can and can't be friends with.

You admit there is some jealousy, which is normal (I feel) given the circumstances of the friends being exs.

The one thing that bothers me is this part below.

from what my partner has told me appears to be a not very nice person. I have outright asked to meet him because I've met one of his other exes and we got along well and are now friends, but every time my partner asks him he says 'not interested, I don't care about meeting him and I don't want to know him'.

Why does he want to remain friends with someone who is "not very nice" and refuses to meet you?

[spilovn]

Oh my… two of my partners both had previous boyfriends called effing Bernard…… I hate that name.

[East]

I think you are being honest with yourself... and him ...so meeting the ex is not that unreasonable a request.

I was friends with most of my exes and some hookups and in any of those cases there was NEVER a threat at all to whoever I was currently with BUT if I broke up with the guy I have been with for almost 30 years...I could see us going back together quite easily...we have that moth to a flame thing going on...and whoever I was with...if anyone...would definitely have something to worry about and I love this guy so much I wouldn't want to make him feel uncomfortable if possible which would include meeting the "new guy".

EDIT: I just reread what I said above...I hope I didn't add to the flames...wasn't my intention. I do think you have a point but your BF wasn't with the guy for 30 years so there isn't the same kind of bond as I was referring to.

[palbert]

You are in the area of the gay relationship that I think is the most susceptible to grief, misunderstandings and hurt. For all the advice I can give it ultimately boils down to your own instincts and ability to continue trusting your partner. If you feel the trust going and the situation cannot be changed you can only anticipate difficulties in the relationship.

Best of luck to you.

[Borg69]

Insecurities, jealously, and potential red flags don't mix...

At this point, not much you can do other than to explain to your BF how you feel, try to curb your insecurities/jealousy, and wait for evidence that's a little more concrete.

The ex sounds like a tool... to be sure... but on the other hand - I've had friends I've known for years. Some of them go through a different BF every other month. Not to sound too cold, but I don't waste a lot of time trying to get to know them as I know they won't be around long. I could kinda see his side in that THEIR "relationship"/friendship, from his point of view doesn't really involve YOU. Depending on how he feels, maybe he doesn't want to see his ex with someone else doing the things they used to do.

I have an Ex I'm friends with and years ago, it was hard for me to spend time with him and his then current BF seeing my ex doing things for him he wouldn't for me, or seeing him doing things with the BF which irritated me when I was with him opening old wounds.

If you love him, the baggage is part of the package.

[Beaux]

Fuck it, I'll say it. I think he is fucking around on you. Why else would he want to be friends with someone who wasn't a "good person"? Why else would he not arrange for you two to meet? Yep, fucking around, imo.

[rroepcke]

Fuck it, I'll say it. I think he is fucking around on you. Why else would he want to be friends with someone who wasn't a "good person"? Why else would he not arrange for you two to meet? Yep, fucking around, imo.

I wouldn't go that far as to say that - He has also been pushing for his ex to meet me, it's the ex who won't/doesn't want to. Generally he is transparent and shows me text messages and opens snapchats in front of me, so I have no trust issues really with him - it's the ex who I think is scheming/has bad intentions.

I think he wants to be friends with his ex because he can't bear the thought of losing someone that he cares about in any capacity. We once broke up briefly and after a week of not talking he showed up at my house crying because he couldn't bear the thought of not being in contact - perhaps it's a similar situation.

[rroepcke]

The ex sounds like a tool... to be sure... but on the other hand - I've had friends I've known for years. Some of them go through a different BF every other month. Not to sound too cold, but I don't waste a lot of time trying to get to know them as I know they won't be around long. I could kinda see his side in that THEIR "relationship"/friendship, from his point of view doesn't really involve YOU. Depending on how he feels, maybe he doesn't want to see his ex with someone else doing the things they used to do.

I have an Ex I'm friends with and years ago, it was hard for me to spend time with him and his then current BF seeing my ex doing things for him he wouldn't for me, or seeing him doing things with the BF which irritated me when I was with him opening old wounds.

If you love him, the baggage is part of the package.

Some good points here - I did consider these and would understand if he didn't want to meet me if we'd been together a month. We've been together for half a year now and while that's not a huge amount of time, it's not exactly a 'boyfriend of the month' situation either.

I understand the not seeing the ex doing similar things to what they used to do but at the end of the day the ex has a partner also - I'd be happy to hang out with them as a couple or something and it would probably help the ex to move on. Who knows - I'd just like to meet him so I can draw my own conclusions.

[rroepcke]

Why does he want to remain friends with someone who is "not very nice" and refuses to meet you?

No idea - though my thoughts are that it's something similar that happened to us after a month of us being together. We briefly broke it off and while I'm quite cut-throat (I will cut off communication, friendship is a possibility but only once I've distanced myself from the romanctic/'more' feelings and replaced them with 'friend' feelings) he doesn't, he still wanted to talk and message every day and to go straight from being in a relationship to being friends. I have a feeling it's something similar with this guy.

There's also another aspect - my partner isn't too popular or social. I guess he values the few connections he has and doesn't want to lose those.