When sex wishes are different?

[East]

some call him vanilla, and it might be vanilla for some guys, but to him it might be the healthiest expression of his desires on the continuum of sexual intimacy. did you think about that?

Vanilla is a common term to describe someone who does not want anything that isn't conventional so I used it to illustrate a point.....

The thing about using the word healthy and healthiest...it is subjective for each person. I think it is healthy to be true to yourself so if vanilla is being true then so be it...but the guy who wants other things is often shamed into thinking there is something wrong with him by some guys who are vanilla as the OP has pointed out......

The BDSM thing he called an absurd, claiming that we're not some crazy masochists and not in prison and that only degraded people treat each other like that. We could make a lot of compromises if he'd like to but he doesn't even want to talk about it. He just advised me to forget about all this nonsense but I can't. I want it. I'm tired of having sex the usual way, always the usual way.

I don't think it is fair to regard the OP's BF's desires as "healthiest" when he said to the OP that he is an absurd degraded crazy criminal because he suggested something different as maybe the OPs desires are healthiest for him. He ceased to be a healthy partner or individual when he spoke to his BF in that manner. In fact....he uses the same type of shame that straight people use against gays (their desires are normal and healthy...ours aren't)

[Virge]

I really like the way you think Merdian. I want to expand a bit on it.

is trying everything universal to everyone? i have never played American football but i can see that i don't like it. i like European football, or soccer. should i start regularly playing American football then, even though i dislike it? just disregard my taste and physical preference, and start practicing it?
[SIZE="5"][COLOR="Red"]

Everyone has there own set of pre-existing preferences and dislikes.
**They can be the results of many things from early childhood experiences (I don't eat beets because I associate them with throwing up at the dinner table when I was four -- not the fact that I had the flu.)
**Some of them are justas simple as individual personalities. (Alpha personalities or Beta... neither is better than the other.)
**Some of them are based in culture.(some sexual "types" are based in race orientations but not always racism. You point out that you prefer Euro football to American... same thing. No big deal. It's purely a cultural preference.)
**Some of them are the result of fear of the unknown or fear of failure and that's my wheelhouse. I'm a firm believer in the benefits of facing our own fears head on and overcoming them. I don't push "my way" on anyone but on the flip side I will call someone out when the criticize me or others like me who like pushing things to the edge -- skydiving, nude beaches, weird foods, extreme non-competitive physical sports, motorcycle racing, uncharted business ventures, and anytime I come up on something I've never tried to do and don't have a good reason not to have done it. They build self confidence and generate a real thrill for being alive and feeling almost superhuman at times. Nothing wrong with that.

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and the OP is not suggesting his partner just try it once or twice. the way i get it he wants that stuff on a regular basis. so he wouldn't be asking his partner to make an exception once. he's asking him to adapt his sexual preference for long term.
In my opinion (and experience) the worst way to get someone to try anything new is to badger them about it or attempt to change them. When that happens it becomes a struggle of egos and the issue is lost. EXAMPLE. Jay stayed on my ass for FIVE years about me skydiving. He was after me to quit and I understood it was purely out of concern for my safety but I never tried to defend my choice to continue with it. Then he heard about a skydiving team of 12 that had lost five members in one year to traffic accidents, diseases and a aneurism. That put things in a new perspective. he quit bitching and has decided -- on his own -- he wants to try skydiving this coming spring. The lesson from that is YOU CAN'T FORCE PEOPLE TO CHANGE SO DON'T WASTE TIME TRYING.

i'm saying as a guy who apparently has the same taste in sex as his partner does, this isn't something that's likely going to ever change. not everybody is into alternative sex play.
TOTALLY TRUE. I cut my first comment short because of the issue of three ways in the OP. I have strong opinions against that and didn't want to turn that into the topic of this discussion. But hey, THATS my preference and there's no reason to push it into a debate about whether 3 ways are bad for a relationship or not.

is there a possibility of objectively not willing to try something? he doesn't have to try something he knows he doesn't like. that's his damn right. he has a right to his preferences and it's unfair to try to force him to go along with it, by implying he's narrow-minded or somehow has an obligation to do it. that's all bullshit.[SIZE="5"] get it through your head that not everybody is interested in the same things you are.

[/SIZE]
True! I'm not into S&M, fantasy role playing, spanking, water sports, fisting, tickling, nipple clamps, group sex, or any sex position where I can't kiss my guy while we're doing it. If that sounds boring to some... oh well. It shows they don't share my interests and there's no reason for me to impose my limits on them or them trying to push mine.

[Anonymous]

Are you the more aggressive person in the relationship or less aggressive?

If I understand you correctly, then probably I'm more aggressive. I usually take most of the initiative in bed and outside it.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

If I understand you correctly, then probably I'm more aggressive. I usually take most of the initiative in bed and outside it.

oh well then, this changes everything. Tie him down and torture him asking him over and over again 'who's your daddy'.... eventually he will come around.

:eek:

[Anocxu]

oh well then, this changes everything. Tie him down and torture him asking him over and over again 'who's your daddy'.... eventually he will come around.

:eek:

What if he doesn't know who his real daddy is?

[meridannight]

**They can be the results of many things from early childhood experiences (I don't eat beets because I associate them with throwing up at the dinner table when I was four -- not the fact that I had the flu.)

this is going to sound funny now: i threw up after eating red beet when i was four or five. i haven't touched beet ever since and i won't go near it. just the smell of it is nauseating to me.

[meridannight]

I think it is healthy to be true to yourself so if vanilla is being true then so be it...but the guy who wants other things is often shamed into thinking there is something wrong with him by some guys who are vanilla as the OP has pointed out......

I don't think it is fair to regard the OP's BF's desires as "healthiest" when he said to the OP that he is an absurd degraded crazy criminal because he suggested something different as maybe the OPs desires are healthiest for him. He ceased to be a healthy partner or individual when he spoke to his BF in that manner. In fact....he uses the same type of shame that straight people use against gays (their desires are normal and healthy...ours aren't)

i do agree he shouldn't shame his partner about his desires. but i also don't jump to conclusions that he actually did that. which one called out the perversion here? did he talk to him with such a tone in his voice? or did the OP assume it? you weren't there to see how his partner said what he said. you are reading a transcript that does not convey his partner's emotions.

words alone don't mean a thing. i firmly stand by this. i can say the words ''it's perverted'' in a number or different ways. i can say it in a way that conveys objective opinion (which doesn't entail judgment), disgust or subjective condemnation (this is personal judgment), or humor, to name three. so when i type here on this forum ''it's perverted'' -- which one of the three possibilities am i expressing now?

i do think you (plural) are overreacting a bit and reading the shaming part into it (from a third person POV no less). i, for one, don't see it and didn't see it when i first read it, and i am reading the same words you are. the guy might just be unfamiliar with more extreme sex play. and he may have gotten such an impression due to not knowing anything about it.

it is possible for a guy to objectively think BDSM is absurd and masochistic. i don't place such an immense importance on words as to feel ashamed, were these my desires. in either case, only the OP is in a position to clarify this thing with his partner. and if his partner does think these desires are shameful then it's up to the OP to educate him, and explain his desires and why they turn him on. it can be explained on the backdrop of human nature and made seem natural. expecting him to open up to practice these desires when they really are that much out of his comfort zone and calling him narrow-minded (and yes i know you weren't the one who did it) is not a healthy way to go about it either.

[Gideon]

OP..it sounds to me like you're looking for something a little "different", not necessarily specifically sex in public or a threesome or hardcore BDSM, just the thrill of something new. So instead of approaching this with all those labels that are probably freaking your partner out, maybe just trying a few things that are just a -little- different from the normal.

When you're walking in one night, turn around and crush him against the door, pin him there with your body, drag his hands up over his head and kiss him until his knees go weak. Catch him at the bathroom sink and make him watch his own expressions in the mirror when you bite his nape or reach around...hell if you're lucky, you might even get to let him watch himself get fucked in the mirror, hm?

Sometimes those little things can make a HUGE difference and it's small approaches to the heat you're looking for without those stigmas that are causing him to tweak, yeah?

[Cuddly]

When you're walking in one night, turn around and crush him against the door, pin him there with your body, drag his hands up over his head and kiss him until his knees go weak. Catch him at the bathroom sink and make him watch his own expressions in the mirror when you bite his nape or reach around...hell if you're lucky, you might even get to let him watch himself get fucked in the mirror, hm?

.... was that as good for you as it was for me?

[princealbertofb]

I don't remember answering this specific thread but if no one has suggested it to anonymous (I'm sure someone has, because it's a long thread now), I'll just say maybe it's time for you both to go to counselling... Because otherwise, your boredom with sex might be the downfall of your life as a couple. Maybe your boyfriend needs to let you have those perks from some other sources, but maybe you don't want to do that because it would be like cheating. That's where a counsellor might help to see what your options are. You may not have to forfeit all your fantasies, but some of them may have to stay fantasies (which you can maybe fuel through porn?)