Tired of games

[toby]

Okay, so my partner of five years continues to lie to me about what goes on when I'm not home. I found out a few months ago that he was scheduling massages on CL. He's retired and free all day. He said there was no sex involved, he is not a professional so I can't imagine why they would come if sex of some type wasn't involved. Well, he promised he would stop. I last week I set up a fake email address, and sent him an email asking if he was still giving massages, he was all ready to set me up with an appointment. Aside from this he is a wonderful guy. Should I approach him again with my email proof?

[Gideon]

Honesty is always the best policy. (IMO) But then you did "set him up" so confrontation probably isn't going to be entirely one sided.

I would have to come clean and confront him though. I wouldn't be able to handle NOT talking it out and finding out why he's doing this if it bothered me(you) so very much. Especially since he made a promise to you that he would stop.

Good luck, man

[Jake]

Okay, so my partner of five years continues to lie to me about what goes on when I'm not home. I found out a few months ago that he was scheduling massages on CL. He's retired and free all day. He said there was no sex involved, he is not a professional so I can't imagine why they would come if sex of some type wasn't involved. Well, he promised he would stop. I last week I set up a fake email address, and sent him an email asking if he was still giving massages, he was all ready to set me up with an appointment. Aside from this he is a wonderful guy. Should I approach him again with my email proof?

Taking you're 60... Not that 60 and over are perfect or anything... I would expect a man of your experience to not play these kind of game and approach him with the bare truth that you do not trust his little scheme. If you believe he's playing games, aren't you entering that game with another set of card playing the very same game. If you're tired of playing games why are you responding with another game.

My advice, sir, if you're tired of playing games, do as I did when I was a child and a sore loser hahaha, when I was tired of playing chess and losing, I would stop the game by slapping up the darn chess board. There game over hahahaha!

[East]

When you asked him about it...he lied to you. You know he lied and the hard part is whether you can or want to live with that or not. I get that it is tough and possibly heartbreaking...

....BUT....

.....don't stoop to his level....spying on him is sacrificing your self respect. I don't think it is worth it...do you?

[meridannight]

Jake put it well. just confront him with honest bare truth. you have a problem with something he does, he has this thing he continues to do although it bothers you....it's not gonna go away on its own. you two need to talk it out. you know how to do it. if i was in a relationship and my partner had an ongoing issue with something about me, i'd rather he came to me with cold hard truth and all of it, even if i didn't like it, than stay quiet about it and/or say only half of it.

and yes, don't trick him with fake emails and pretending you're someone else to get him caught.

[palbert]

When you asked him about it...he lied to you. You know he lied and the hard part is whether you can or want to live with that or not. I get that it is tough and possibly heartbreaking...

....BUT....

.....don't stoop to his level....spying on him is sacrificing your self respect. I don't think it is worth it...do you?

Excellent post - and advice. Note "the hard part."

If this outlet - massages - is closed he'll probably seek out another outlet.

[toby]

Thanks guys. You're right, I shouldn't be playing games. I will have another talk with him.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

All I am reading is massages - I may be a bit naive about the matter, but did he specifically tell you in that email that there is the proverbial happy ending (sex)?

If yes then he is cheating on you and he will continue to cheat on you until you present evidence of that cheating. And each time he lies about it and you appear to accept the lie the more confident he will be in the next episode of 'cheating on my spouse'.

Your final line 'aside from ripping my heart out and stomping up and down on it, he's a wonderful guy' (yes I paraphrased - slightly but honestly isn't this exactly how it feels?). I get the feeling that you are feeling the press of time and are bargaining the problem away.


IF these massages are more than just therapeutic deep tissue ones, then how many of those can you endure before you pop a cork and go ballistic over the matter?

Will that end better than printing up the email exchange and handing it to him and letting him read that you know what is going on and then being ready to discuss this with a bit more reason and rationality?