Why would my friend act this way towards me and then reject me? What should I do?

[heythere999]

SORRY FOR THE WALL OF TEXT. I am 19, he is 18. No one knows that I am bi except for him, because I told him two weeks ago.

So I have a very, very weird friendship. We're both guys. We met each other around a year ago, but I didn't enter his circle of friends until 4/5 months into knowing each other. He's a touchy guy but he's touchy especially around me. At first I thought he was really weird, and then I would ask myself "if I think it's so weird, why do I let him touch me like this? I should admit that I like it" and then I eventually grew feelings for him.

It all started when he asked me to hold my hand one day as we walked to the car with a group of friends, and I accepted. He tried holding my hand another time, when we sat next to each other in the car. A song was playing, and he tapped my leg, and then grabbed my hand. This went on for 5+ minutes, until my friends commented and said how weird and gay it is, and then he said "Yeah this is weird" and then I tried letting go, and he grabbed my hand back and held it. And another time, we were watching a movie. He told only me to sit next to him on the couch. During the movie, he tried to slickly hold my hand numerous times, and he would also yawn and stretch so he could put his arm around me. And a few other times he's tried to hold my hand.

And during a hangout, he once said "Holding hands is base one," which is weird, even as a joke. And another time, we were watching a vine and he said to me "oh, get it, these guys are gay because they're holding hands."

Aside from that, when there's music on he would try to grind on me (and I wouldn't grind back) and even when it wasn't the proper music, he would slow dance with me, and only me.

At a dance I went to, my date (a girl) pulled me aside to tell me that "he wants you really badly, he's been staring at you constantly and he seems way too comfortable around you."

When we went on a weekend trip together and I was in bed, he came up to me and kissed me on the forehead and said "goodnight." There's been another instance where he kissed the back of my hand. And there was another time where I was behind him in the car and I was bugging him by touching his face, and he grabbed my hand, rubbed his face, and then kissed the palm of my hand twice, then turned it around, and then kissed the back of my hand. And he randomly grabbed my hand and rubbed my face again.

In terms of other ways he'd be touchy, there have been times where he would just turn around, ask me a question like "how's studying going?" and then carress my face, my mouth, and my beard. He's put his arms over my shoulder a lot, and there have been numerous instances where he's just grabbed me and held me.

At hangouts he'll follow me around and make me accompany him everywhere, including the bathroom. Even if it's a one-person bathroom. And he'd say things like "if you've ever wanted to look at my penis now's your chance" or say "best piss ever because I was with you." And sometimes when I would go away for literally a few seconds to throw something away he'd say things like "you think you can escape me?" or "where do you think you're going, huh?" with a smile on his face.
And when I intentionally ignore him, or I'm not paying attention to him, it's blatantly obvious that he scratches his face and looks at me for a quick second or stretches to look at me. And sometimes I can just see him staring at me for many, many seconds. Hell, sometimes during sleepovers, when I'm on the floor, and he's on his bed, he'll be facing my direction and I guess staring at me, because right when I wake up he'll turn around in the opposite direction.

And speaking of sleepovers, we slept next to each other one time, in the same bed, and we would lightly be touching (ass to ass, or legs next to each other, etc.) and sometimes he would use me as a head rest, and when we woke up he smiled and hugged me while we were still in bed. And when guys who slept over in another room were talking about morning wood, he said "I think I had an accidental boner too, didn't you?"

And in terms of our friendship, we'll just always flirt. We'll stare at each other and jokingly say "I know my face is beautiful but stop staring." Or we'll constantly tease each other. Sometimes when we're sitting across from each other we'll mouth words to each other. I'll be the mean one and say "I hate you" and he'll smile and say "I love you." And one time he was across the room, and he whispered my name. I turned around, and he blew a kiss at me. I blew one back, he grabbed it and rubbed it on his mouth.

And even when I'll be mad at him and he won't know why, he wouldn't ignore me. He'd try his hardest to get my attention and to be nice so I'll snap out of it. There would be days where he'd just constantly try sneakily staring at me. Other times he'd still approach me and ask him to come with him somewhere even though he knew I was avoiding him. Or he'd just smile and butt into another conversation I'm having and say "I love you," etc. Speaking of saying "I love you," it's realistically about 20% of his vocabulary towards me. A lot of the time, when I'm not saying anything, he'll randomly say "I love you." I'll be talking to another friend nearby and he'll just butt in and say "Oh. I love you." Even sometimes when I jokingly say something mean he'd say "God I just love you. I love you so much." And one time when we were about to go to bed at camp, he'd say "I love you." I said "what?" And he said "I love you." And I didn't say anything. And he said "I love you." I didn't say anything back and he said "pft... ." And then a few seconds later he'd say "(my name), I LOVE you, alright?" And sometimes he'll yell it out as him and I are leaving and say "bye (my name)!!! I love you!!!"
And in terms of hugs, they were extremely romantic and we hug all the time. He'll hug me for zero reason a lot of the time. Sometimes he'll just be standing somewhere and I'll pass by and he'd grab me and pull me and hug me. Sometimes I'll be talking to another friend and he'll just walk up to me and hug me and say "this is going to be a long one." And our hugs are full body, cheek-to-cheek. And sometimes they'll be weird. I'll be sitting, and he'll be standing and hug me how we are and then he'd look down and I'd look up and we'll be smiling. And another time, I was just sitting and he came up to me and said "has anyone ever hugged your face before?" and he wrapped his arms around my face and rubbed our faces while smiling.

And there was one time in particular where we were having a small conversation and then he just gestured for us to hug, randomly. And then while we hugged, he said "I wish I could just be in your arms forever." At that hang out, we constantly hugged for a good 15/20 minutes, and purposely hung alone inside the house while the others were outside. And after that, our hugs would be longer. If we hugged for less than seconds and I'd let go, he'd say "no, that's too short." And hug me again. And sometimes if I reject a hug he'll just say "no." and forcefully hug me.

And in general we've had many lingering touches and little play fights. If our legs are glued next to each other one of us won't move it until a while has passed, and if our arms are on top of each other or next to each other we won't move it until after a while. And there have even been instances where he's hugged me, then looked at me and then tapped my face, my shoulder, and then my arms, and then slid down my arms slowly before hugging me again.
And in terms of weird things he'll say to me... early on, when we just became actual friends, he'd ask me stuff like "if you could make out with one guy, who would it be?" about two times. And then two times, he asked "if you could make out with one guy in this group, who would it be?" And then another time he said "making out with (my name), I wonder what that feels like."

And another time we were having a pillow fight and he hit me twice, then dropped his pillow and hugged me. A few minutes later he said "If there's one guy I would want to watch getting head, it'd be you."

And a few weeks ago we were staring at each other and he said "why do we always have so much sexual tension?" And then when I tried bringing it up at another hangout he said "don't try to change the subject."

And there was one time around 6 months ago where I was hooking up with a girl, and when I wasn't in the room, he went up to the girl, and asked her "is (my name) a good kisser?" She ignored the question, and then he said "well there's only one way to find out" and then he leaned in but she rejected him. And while we were making out he would throw lit cigarettes at us. Everyone knows this happened but he denies this ever happened to this day, and it was about 5/6 months ago.

And as for more weird comments, one time we were just talking and he said "what if I was gay and in the closet and I came out to you? How would you react?"

And a few weeks ago, he was just playing a game and I was watching, and for a few minutes he would just constantly say "(my name) I love you" and I wasn't saying much, or anything at all. And then he looked at me and said "sometimes, I just want to love you."

And sometimes he'll just be weird. He'll say "oh I've never noticed that mole on your face before" and I'd say "oh, great..." and he said "no I like it, it's cute. I love you."
A few weeks ago he couldn't finish his burger, so he gave it to me and he said "finish it." And I said no, and he said "eat it. Eat it or I'm going to have sex with you.... okay that was weird."
And he pretty much always tries to be controlling and protective... exactly like a dominant boyfriend would act.

And there have been so many times where people have asked us "so how long have you two been dating?" And our guy friends have constantly asked us "are you guys gay?" "what the hell? (when we're hugging or staring or talking)" "will you guys just make out already?" And yeah, even when we hug, people will say "what the hell?" "what the **** was that? (sometimes we'll hug when we're both sitting down and he'll do something like rest his head on my chest and rub my stomach)" "well that was interesting..." "I'll leave you two alone in your love fest," etc. etc.

And even his brother would say stuff like "just kiss (me). You know you want to." And he won't say anything. And if our group of friends brings up how gay we act, his brother will say "yeah but I think (my friend) is actually gay because he initiates everything."

So based on all that... I grew feelings for him. And the thing is, it would drive me crazy, because after staring at me, and flirting with me, and doing stuff like resting his head on my shoulder or chest, or some of the other stuff I described, he'd say stuff like "man we need girls" or "you know what we need? Girlfriends" or if we're in a group hangout with guys and we're doing something stupid he'll be the one to say "wow notice how none of us have girlfriends" etc. and a few times he's hooked up... but then again, even while I've been crushing or in love, I have hooked up with girls myself.

And aside from the comments people have made, just like my prom date who said that he "wants you so badly," there was a girl who was talking to him about how he's flirty with girls and she pointed to me and said "you're even flirty with him for some reason." And there have been friends who say "sometimes he acts gay but he especially acts gay with you."

So anyways, I decided that I couldn't take it anymore and I sent him a text telling him that I loved our friendship but I couldn't take the confusion and that I like him as more than a friend. It was a super long text, telling him basically a much shorter version of this post, stating instances of how he was romantic and flirty and how others would see it too, etc. And he responded very coldly, saying that "on the listening end this is a lot to take in" and he said he "sees me only as a best friend" and that he would never do stuff like that again. And in the rest of the text he just complimented my personality traits, stating that "this demonstrates the admirable character you have."

And ever since then, things have been weird. It's been two weeks. I can barely look or talk to him but he tries to still get my attention, and I notice how he scratches his head or yawn to look at me, and sometimes he still flat-out stares at me and if I turn around and face him he immediately turns around. And he no longer says "I love you" to me, but to everyone else. And he constantly mentions "holding hands" as a joke to others.

And one time, his brother, him and I were outside a store. His brother wanted to go inside, and he wanted to stay in the shade. I followed his brother, and he called my name. I stopped and turned around. He said "come here." And he said something, I didn't hear properly so I said "what?" And he said "Oh, nothing I just knew you'd listen to me because I knew you loved me more than (my brother) I just knew it."
And in general he tries to still get my attention, he's more "lowkey" about keeping track of where I am when we're around each other, he touches me less (but still touches me.... aka there's still lingering touches here and there.) And when I'm trying to ignore him he still tries to butt in.

I don't get it. Firstly, I don't believe that he's totally straight and that he thinks of me as only as a friend... but even if he does, why the hell would he act this way?

We met up and talked about this. I can post the entire conversation but basically, long story short, he said he meant everything in a friendly way. When I told him he'd never act this way with another guy he said "that was just how our friendship was, everyone acts differently with everyone." And I set up boundaries and said our friendship is gonna change and he said "it's changing in a good way".... eh. I hate this.

What do you guys think?

[Camfer]

I think you've been played big time. He's confused, and you're confused by his actions. Hope you get clarity soon.

[meridannight]

fuck i hate guys like that. you didn't get the wrong impression as far as i can tell. that is NOT how someone who just wants to be friends acts. sorry, but no way in fucking hell. i don't have a single male friend with whom we've had anything remotely like this, and i've had some rather intimate male friendships.

i don't know if he's confused or what the hell he is, i really don't. i can't figure out why a guy would do all that and then say it was all ''friendship'' either. actually this brings up some not so distant personal memories for me. i was in a very similar place with one friend who acted with me a lot like your friend is acting with you. and i fell for him because of the intimacy he initiated too. he fucking started the whole thing. and then i made a move on him and he rejected me. he's apparently straight, it turns out.

i can't help you at all. this type of behavior is confusing to me too. but if you ever figure out why your friend acted the way he did, let me know. maybe it'll help me figure some things out for myself...

sorry. i know exactly what a torture it is to be in such a place. the worst part is that you can't really hate the guy either, because by the end of it you've developed some emotional attachment to him, which makes it all the worse. but if he did what he did just to play you (and he must've known the implications of his actions), then he's simply a jerk and not really worth it to bother. don't buy his denial though. whether he's confused or something else, he was not being just friends, and he knows it, at least on some level in his brain.

again, sorry you have to go through all this.

[Jake]

So anyways, I decided that I couldn't take it anymore and I sent him a text telling him that I loved our friendship but I couldn't take the confusion and that I like him as more than a friend. It was a super long text, telling him basically a much shorter version of this post, stating instances of how he was romantic and flirty and how others would see it too, etc. And he responded very coldly, saying that "on the listening end this is a lot to take in" and he said he "sees me only as a best friend" and that he would never do stuff like that again. And in the rest of the text he just complimented my personality traits, stating that "this demonstrates the admirable character you have."

Why did you text him something so serious buddy? It doesn't matter how long and so well written you made that text, that's just it it's text and he read it with his on view and feelings. I can tell you that the response would have been much more different or (less cold) if you would have took the courage to invite him and tell him in his face. By texting, you made your message very impersonal and because you were texting you didn't know where and when he read your message.

As much as I like technology, you kids got to stir away from saying important stuff on your god damn cellphones. This message you wanted him to understand should have been delivered in person. He's not only would have seen your seriousness, but you would also have seen either the confusion, the disgust or whatever feeling he had when he read your text. In short, by texting him your feelings you gave him time to think and enter into a total denial. You would have got a totally different perspective and response if you would have made this a face to face meeting.

KIDS know when things are important that a phone should remain a fucking phone. However, as you detailed your story. You're right, he didn't act properly and he did play games. That's not your friend buddy, unless he finds the courage to apologize to you and hopefully not through his darn cell phone

[SHOman93]

Man, there are some very vindictive, messed up people up in this world. I'm not saying this guys is but........You have to learn to identify these types of people and not let them walk on you like a doormat. I honestly can't accurately decode this situation. There is just too much conflicting information to make me think one way for sure.

Like meridannigh said, I'm really sorry you have to go through something like this. Nobody deserves this kind of confusion in their life. But only you are there in person and only you have the first hand experience to perceive this whole thing. Go with your heart. The heart is usually right.

[Sil]

I've experienced a situation like this in my teen years, and it can really mess with your head. People change a lot while they're growing up, and there's a degree of sexual fluidity where he may really love you but still likes girls too, or he doesn't want to be seen as gay because of friends and family, whatever it might be.

I think it was interesting somebody mentioned the texting thing. Sometimes it's an easier way to do it, because it's always harder to say in person. You definitely seem more in touch with yourself, and maybe it'll take him time to catch up and realise just what he's doing, and what he's missing.

I'll be honest, I think he's gay and has massive feelings for you, but something is holding him back; it's a tough time when you're still in the closet. I'd be more concerned about his possessiveness towards you if you were in a relationship together, as there's a lot of deep feelings boiling away by the sounds of it.

[Alex]

I've experienced a situation like this in my teen years, and it can really mess with your head. People change a lot while they're growing up, and there's a degree of sexual fluidity where he may really love you but still likes girls too, or he doesn't want to be seen as gay because of friends and family, whatever it might be.

I think it was interesting somebody mentioned the texting thing. Sometimes it's an easier way to do it, because it's always harder to say in person. You definitely seem more in touch with yourself, and maybe it'll take him time to catch up and realise just what he's doing, and what he's missing.

I'll be honest, I think he's gay and has massive feelings for you, but something is holding him back; it's a tough time when you're still in the closet. I'd be more concerned about his possessiveness towards you if you were in a relationship together, as there's a lot of deep feelings boiling away by the sounds of it.

My husband Jake mentioned the text thing. He's from the dark ages (kidding Jakey baby) where phones didn't have the feature to text and where people had to build up their courage and tell what needed to be told. Text may seem easier, which I understand since I lived my teen years when text existed. But when something serious needed to be communicated, no matter how much I'd cry trying to say it, I would still SAY it. Sometimes the easiest way, isn't the best way. And I understand why my husband mentions the text thing because as difficult as it was for the OP to text its feelings, his so-called friend would have been able to see and feel the real pain and sadness he has inflicted to his friend.

I too believe that the boy is gay and very confused and scared, but I still go with the believe that seeing the mental anguish he put is friend through would have made him think twice. I know I would have reacted differently if a love declaration is made to me vocally as opposed to a cold text... No matter how many emoticons one puts. I don't believe that the boy is a bad guy, he's just scared and in serious denial. While he may game around, deep inside he's in love and doesn't know how to deal with it. It will be to the OP to decide what would be the next step, nevertheless, not letting the dude toying with his feelings.

I believe we all have been toyed in a similar way as gay men for many of us, I was and so was my husband.

[heythere999]

Trust me I wanted to say it in person for a WHILE, but we live about 15 minutes away from each other, we barely have alone time, and neither of us have cars... And I couldn't take it anymore so I texted it. Yeah I wish I could have said it in person but at least we talked it out in person.

And... Well for one I have a feeling he's not being fully open or honest with me and that hurts considering I'm 100% open with him. Secondly, I know that I can't do it. I can't change the nature of our friendship because I don't want to. I love what it was before, the constant anxiety aside. I loved the romantic vibes and the constant affection. I don't want an empty shell of what it was before. So I'm just gonna tell him whenever I see him this week in private that I love him but I can't change the nature of the friendship because I loved what it was before too much and I'm not gonna force myself to enjoy what it is now so it's best to be acquaintances that only talk when they have to. I mean it's kind of already like that because of me (I've been cold to him) but I'll have to make it official. And I'll ask to hug him while saying this because why not? I dunno. What do you think I should do? :/ I hate this. I miss the constant affection.

Also if you guys want to know the full convo I had with him in person let me know.

[Jake]

Also if you guys want to know the full convo I had with him in person let me know.

Please don't this is the internet. If someone is asking to view it send it in private, but DO NOT post it publicly. Just imagine that next week things gets better and one day he falls on a text that you posted about him... You will regret that day. Don't forget that not everything can be shared online and although you told us the story. That part of the story belongs to you two. You're friend may have lack respect toward you for toying with your emotions and feelings but you know better than to jeopardise your friendship. Not all is lost, perhaps he has thought about it too, and even if he didn't you're better than this. Don't forget karma can take 2 months or 10 years, but it will get back to him, and when he'll realize it he will remember you, but by that time you'll be happy with someone else let it be a girl or a guy.

Be water my friend - Bruce Lee

[Virge]

Wow. I'm totally speechless. I have no experience even close to this and not sure how I'd react. I'd be uncomfortable about it if it was a guy or a girl.

Good luck and listen to the other guys.