I need coming out advice

[tyler94]

I'm 20 years old and I know I'm bi and possibly gay. I have accepted that I'm more sexually attracted to guys then to women. So maybe down the road I'll be gay.
Anyhow, I really want to be happy and have someone in my life who accepts me for who I am. However, I don't really feel comfortable coming out until I'm happy with someone...
the issue is I'm not sure how to meet someone who makes me happy if I'm not openly bi (or gay). Is that a turn off? I mean I know for a fact I am sexually attracted to guys and it's not like 'I want a body like that.' or 'I wonder what it would be like to sleep with a guy?' I remember going to the beach and looking back my eyes did seem to shift to the shirtless guys rather then women in bikinis, in fact when I did all I felt was 'this is wrong.'
I should also probably mention I would see myself more romantically attracted to a guy who is more of a masculine personality. I don't really classify myself as feminine or masculine but somewhere in between. So i other words it wouldn't be too surprising for people to discover I'm gay.
I will also mention that I'm different beyond different (like I don't just mean about being attracted to guys). I'm an extremely introverted person and not very outgoing. I always felt like I see the world differently then everybody else. Everyone who knows me considers me to be a highly sensitive person.
I don't like people gossiping about me and I'm afraid everyone will treat me differently like give more attention or make a big deal about it. I have told my mom who has always taught me that there's nothing wrong with homosexuality. She was like: "I always knew you were different but I never thought you liked guys. Are you sure?"
I'd rather come out knowing 100% sure that I'm into guys and be happy then come out find a guy and feel like it's not right.
Sorry for my ranting but I if I try to solve this myself it'll just stress me out way too much. I over analyze everything so imagine what something like this is doing to me.
Also why am I sure I'm gay (or bi as of now)?
Ever since I was a small child the male body always caught my attention... I'm talking about like 8 or so. I didn't even like girls then. Growing up I never really had crushes on girls nor guys but I don't think I could bring myself to do it as I was already different for the above reasons. I'm also a perfectionist so the people bullying me would be right if I were to have been gay so I think I subconsciously became asexual as a defense mechanism.

[meridannight]

Anyhow, I really want to be happy and have someone in my life who accepts me for who I am. However, I don't really feel comfortable coming out until I'm happy with someone...
the issue is I'm not sure how to meet someone who makes me happy if I'm not openly bi (or gay). Is that a turn off?

are you asking if it's a turn off for a guy if you're in the closet? this depends on each guy individually and how open they are about their sexuality themselves. if it's a guy who is open, then he probably wouldn't want to hide around for too long. but i don't think this is crucial in the getting-to-know-each-other phase. once sufficient compatibility and/or desire to be with one another has been established, this becomes more important.

I should also probably mention I would see myself more romantically attracted to a guy who is more of a masculine personality. I don't really classify myself as feminine or masculine but somewhere in between. So i other words it wouldn't be too surprising for people to discover I'm gay.

me too. i prefer masculine guys. however, i've also felt physical attraction for a couple of guys who were explicitly feminine in their behavior. it doesn't really mean a thing. physical attraction doesn't really ask you what you think you find attractive. it's more instinctual and involuntary.

I'd rather come out knowing 100% sure that I'm into guys and be happy then come out find a guy and feel like it's not right.

you already said you knew you liked guys...that sounds like 100%. or are you confused about that?

relationships are a hit and miss. it doesn't depend on your being out or in the closet. it depends on the compatibility between the two people and how healthy they are about life/relationships.

Ever since I was a small child the male body always caught my attention...

same here.

Growing up I never really had crushes on girls nor guys but I don't think I could bring myself to do it as I was already different for the above reasons. I'm also a perfectionist so the people bullying me would be right if I were to have been gay so I think I subconsciously became asexual as a defense mechanism.

i don't really follow... why would the people bullying you have been right about you being gay? are you associating certain personality traits/characteristics with homosexuality?

[MikeW]

Well, I would like to help you -- and I'm sure others here would like to also. The problem is, I'm kind of confused by what you've said.

I'm 20 years old and I know I'm bi and possibly gay. I have accepted that I'm more sexually attracted to guys then to women. So maybe down the road I'll be gay.

First of all, "gay," "straight," "bi," -- these are all labels -- ways of speaking so we humans can sometimes understand one another. The reality is all of us are just who we are. We think the way we think, feel the way we feel, see the world the way we see the world. And, sure, we can describe how we think, feel and are in words. But the words always come up short, don't they? A tree in the real world is more than the word "tree." A human being is more than anything you could ever say about him. I'm just saying, maybe you need to lighten up on the "labeling myself" thing. You are who you are. You need to accept yourself and then, when you do, what other people think of you will be less important.

Anyhow, I really want to be happy and have someone in my life who accepts me for who I am.

Yes, most people want this. My point is, before anyone else can fully accept us for who we are, don't we have to accept ourselves?

However, I don't really feel comfortable coming out until I'm happy with someone...
the issue is I'm not sure how to meet someone who makes me happy if I'm not openly bi (or gay). Is that a turn off?

I don't think not knowing how to meet someone is the issue at all. I think the issue is you haven't accepted that you are who you are (forget about a label for the time being). You feel the way you do, however that is, AND THAT IS OK! Perfectly ok for you to be exactly who you are.

I mean I know for a fact I am sexually attracted to guys and it's not like 'I want a body like that.' or 'I wonder what it would be like to sleep with a guy?' I remember going to the beach and looking back my eyes did seem to shift to the shirtless guys rather then women in bikinis, in fact when I did all I felt was 'this is wrong.'

You know for a fact you're sexually attracted to guys. Ok. Great! You look at a guy and you feel, well, what exactly? You say what it is NOT like but not what it IS like. Then you tell the little story about how you noticed yourself looking more at shirtless guys rather than women in bikinis at the beach. Then you say "all I felt was 'this is wrong.'" … I'm confused. It isn't clear WHAT is wrong? So far as I can tell, there is nothing "wrong" with being more attracted to guys than women. What's "wrong" with it? Or do I not understand what you're trying to say?

I should also probably mention I would see myself more romantically attracted to a guy who is more of a masculine personality. I don't really classify myself as feminine or masculine but somewhere in between. So i other words it wouldn't be too surprising for people to discover I'm gay.

Again with the labels. Since you're only 20 years old, you probably have NO IDEA how complicated this question of what is "masculine" and what is "feminine" IS. It's a huge issue. But why is this even important? Ok so some people won't be surprised if you tell them you're gay. Again, let go of the labels. Just notice that you're more attracted to some men than others. You are who you are. You feel the way you do. You like what you like and don't like what you don't like. Labels can be handy gadgets, short cuts, to explain something. They can also be intellectual TRAPS that prevent us from seeing more subtle shadings and colorings. "RED" isn't just one specific color or wavelength of light -- it is a category. It may be warmer or cooler, lighter or darker, a bit more yellow or a bit more blue or brown, etc.

I will also mention that I'm different beyond different (like I don't just mean about being attracted to guys). I'm an extremely introverted person and not very outgoing. I always felt like I see the world differently then everybody else. Everyone who knows me considers me to be a highly sensitive person.

I'm the same way. As long as I can remember I've felt like I'm from another planet or something. People just do and say the weirdest things (from my POV). I'm also very sensitive and I like that (most of the time).

I don't like people gossiping about me and I'm afraid everyone will treat me differently like give more attention or make a big deal about it. I have told my mom who has always taught me that there's nothing wrong with homosexuality. She was like: "I always knew you were different but I never thought you liked guys. Are you sure?"

Well no one likes to be gossiped about unless it is good gossip or unless they're a failing Hollywood actress for whom bad press is better than no press, right? For me, I don't give a flying fuck what other people think because -- and this is the truth, think about it -- MOST people don't *really* think about anyone other than themselves. If they give me any thought at all, it is something that shows up in their brain for a half a second and then just disappears. Right? Isn't that the way we all are? Someone has to be very close to us to give us much thought at all. How much do you think about people you barely even know? So, this, to me, is a non issue.

As for your mom not being sure or being "out" changing anything in your relationships with people in general -- well, its like ok, now they know something about me they didn't know before. Yeah, at first it is sort of a big deal but eventually it is just another fact about you like the color of your hair or eyes. NBD. If anyone has a problem with it, it is THEIR problem, not yours, right?

There are really two different things here: One is "coming out" the other is "being out". Try to understand the difference. The first is some kind of statement made to someone else. The second is just about being yourself. You don't *have* to "come out" to anyone. All you need to do is just be yourself -- be "gay" in the way that "gay" means to you -- not *anyone else*. Does this make sense? Sure, sometimes you may need to tell someone -- say a woman who is interested in you. You need to tell her, "uh, nope, I'm gay," so she doesn't get her hopes up or whatever. But most of the time, whether or not you are gay, is not relevant. Sure, you'll want family and close friends to know -- and, for sure, there is an adjustment period -- for you and them. But so what? If you *are* gay -- which means being yourself, right? -- then they will accept you to the same degree that you accept yourself. Well, most will, anyway and if they don't, well, that's on them.

I'd rather come out knowing 100% sure that I'm into guys and be happy then come out find a guy and feel like it's not right.

Intelligent people often like to tie themselves up in Catch 22 knots like this. It is totally nonsensical. No one is forcing you to make any public statement about yourself until you are not only SURE but COMFORTABLE with it, ok? LOL!! Sorry, not meaning to laugh *at* you but it is kind of funny. I mean, seriously, you already know you're more attracted to men than women -- you said so up above -- its just that you're not *comfortable* yet with this fact about yourself. So, you don't have to come out to anyone you don't want to. You don't have to come out until you feel more comfortable and self accepting. You don't *have* to come out at all (some men never do, although I'm not advising that). Sometimes "coming out" (telling someone, like a trusted friend) feels liberating and *helps you* accept yourself more. So… it is all up to you. No rules here. Different *opinions* maybe but no rules or laws. Just do or don't do what ever you want.

Sorry for my ranting but I if I try to solve this myself it'll just stress me out way too much. I over analyze everything so imagine what something like this is doing to me.

You're fine. Yes, you are over thinking this. It is a problem a lot of us have. That's why I'm trying to steer you away from the labeling thing. Just let it go -- or try to. It isn't that big a deal. I *know* it *seems* like a Big Fucking Deal -- and it sort of is TO US. But sometimes we're our own worst enemy and make it far more of a BFD than it really is.

Think of it this way. You know a lot of people, right? Do you know -- do you even WANT to know -- all their sexual "secrets"? Seriously, think about that! LOL!! Yeah, for sure, 90+% of them may be straight but there may be "details" that you'd be SHOCKED to discover about them. Human sexuality is FAR more complex than our labels allow.

Also why am I sure I'm gay (or bi as of now)?
Ever since I was a small child the male body always caught my attention... I'm talking about like 8 or so. I didn't even like girls then. Growing up I never really had crushes on girls nor guys but I don't think I could bring myself to do it as I was already different for the above reasons. I'm also a perfectionist so the people bullying me would be right if I were to have been gay so I think I subconsciously became asexual as a defense mechanism.

That last part makes sense -- that you may have suppressed your sexual feelings because you were bullied. Could be. By the way, being bullied is something that happens to almost everyone and it is NEVER "right"… it is just the way kids are with one another. Excess hostility usually stemming from their own family situation. But, whatever, the reasons for it are always more about THEM (the bullies) than about you (the bullied).

But you're 20 years old now. You're not a kid any more. You're an adult. You don't have to let anyone bully you. If someone is, you put a stop to it real quick. No one has time for that shit.

So you've begun to experience and accept your sexual feelings. YAY!!! Congratulations. Let yourself ENJOY it for heaven's sake. Sex is supposed to FEEL GOOD, right? We make ourselves feel good with whatever stimulates us. We can share this "feeling good" with those other adults who are willing and compatible -- YAY!!!

[Borg69]

So many questions... Am I gay? Am I bi? Should I be out? Why is the sky blue? Why do fish swim and birds fly? Why... why... why... what if, what if, what if... ???

Life, and time is sorta like a current in a stream. You're fighting that current, and it's practically drowning you. Relax, and learn to go with the flow. You'll eventually meet someone - male or female - which ever you're mutually drawn to, and everything will work itself out and you'll have your answers.

Life is 25% Preparation, 25% Reaction, and 50% Reflection.

[palbert]

.... Sorry for my ranting but I if I try to solve this myself it'll just stress me out way too much. I over analyze everything so imagine what something like this is doing to me.
Also why am I sure I'm gay (or bi as of now)?
....

I would say get off the fence rail you're perched on while you overanalyze this. Do something with somebody; either sex will be a learning lesson. You don't want to wake up at 50 never answering your question.

If you need tips on meeting partners, just ask.

[Cuddly]

The way you describe it, you sound gay. What makes you think you're bisexual?

I came out after falling in love and while in a relationship, because I suddenly had a good reason to come out. Everybody is talking about their dates and their girlfriends or boyfriends.. I wanted to be able to do that too - I guess...

Coming out was the best thing I ever did. You already have come out, kind of, by telling your mum. It's good to know that you have her support!

[tyler94]

Sorry for all the advice!
and sorry for the late response

[Cliff]

Mike ...

I liked much of what you said. Lots of wisdom. As I grow older (your age now) I'm much more receptive to, say, gay desire when it arises, though I've never expressed it to another man, face to face. Probably never will.

Tyler ...

As for coming out or not, it's possible to be at peace with not doing this. I know because I am. Better to be who you are than to "figure out" what you are. Less hand wringing.

[Lexington]

However, I don't really feel comfortable coming out until I'm happy with someone...

This sort of reminds me of a guy who said online "Well, I finally did it. I finally came out to my long-term (male) FWB." I said, "If he hadn't figured it out by now...."

the issue is I'm not sure how to meet someone who makes me happy if I'm not openly bi (or gay). Is that a turn off?

Speaking personally here (because that's all I can do), it's a bit of a turnoff. But more of an obstacle or hassle. Imagine somebody said to you "I want to date you, but I don't want anybody to know we're dating until we get married. So I don't want you to meet my friends, and I don't want to meet your friends, and we'll just sneak around until after we get married." It's an extreme case, sure, but that's the sort of mindset at work. Whereas if you're out, it's just "this is my boyfriend Tyler" and life goes on, you know? In addition, meeting guys is far easier when you're out.

I should also probably mention I would see myself more romantically attracted to a guy who is more of a masculine personality. I don't really classify myself as feminine or masculine but somewhere in between. So i other words it wouldn't be too surprising for people to discover I'm gay.

Then I guess the question would be - what's keeping you in? Yeah, if you're "straight-acting" and coming out would put your career or friendships or safety at risk, by all means. But if people might be guessing already, then it seems silly to put up a false front for no reason.

I will also mention that I'm different beyond different (like I don't just mean about being attracted to guys). I'm an extremely introverted person and not very outgoing. I always felt like I see the world differently then everybody else. Everyone who knows me considers me to be a highly sensitive person. I don't like people gossiping about me and I'm afraid everyone will treat me differently like give more attention or make a big deal about it.

Here's something to remember. When you come out, people will take a cue from you. If you treat it like it's a big deal, they will too. If you treat it like it's no big deal, they probably will, as well. So the key would be to avoid the "I have this HUGE secret and you have to promise to not tell ANYBODY because I'd DIE if this got out" routine. Instead, you say "I'm working on coming out to more people, but I'd rather they got it from me, so I'd rather you kept it under wraps until I get to tell everybody." They're far more likely to treat it as no big deal that way.

I'd rather come out knowing 100% sure that I'm into guys and be happy then come out find a guy and feel like it's not right.

Let's say you meet a guy, you give it a go, and you end up being incompatible. Does that mean you're straight? No - chances are it means you just met a guy that you weren't that compatible with. Being gay doesn't mean I can get into relationships with every single gay guy that comes along. Just as you've seen straight people not get along and break up - it's just as likely to happen with us. Sure, you might end up with the perfect guy from the get-go. But that's pretty rare. It takes dating and time before you find out if you're truly compatible for the long run.

I'm also a perfectionist so the people bullying me would be right if I were to have been gay so I think I subconsciously became asexual as a defense mechanism.

If you take anything away from this post of mine, let it be this. Homosexuals aren't failed heterosexuals. No more than straights are failed gays. We're gay. We dig guys. That's how we're wired. And it's awesome.

Lex