His Mom is Awful Person

[MisterLove]

I'm not sure I got all the details right but nobody has any kind of obligation towards an abusive parent.

My mother is a diagnosed schizophrenic and I had to move out. After three years of pointless torment, the threats, the screams, the sheer wickedness and the paranoia finally became unbearable. My father and brother were too coward to do anything about it, so I just left that house. I didn't abandon her, I still see her every now and then but I'm not going to sacrifice my own sanity because of her.

[MisterLove]

[...]

What are his moral and legal obligations to his dependent mother? [...]

The word dependent is important here.

My mother is mentally ill but she's not dependent, if she were I wouldn't just leave like that.

Your friend's own safety should be his #1 concern. His mother comes #2. I'm sure he'll be able to help her AND keep a safe distance.

[poondue]

In general I agree with you MisterLove. But does that the fact that she is currently disabled factor into this?

This sister will be no help, she is older but from what I understand she is in her own abusive relationship with a guy. They both are the abusers. My friend has chosen not have contact with her.

[MisterLove]

In general I agree with you MisterLove. But does that the fact that she is currently disabled factor into this?
[...]

LOOOLL It seems I beat you to it.

I believe my previous post replies to this.

Like I said, yes he should help her mother and her disability is an important factor here BUT his own health comes first.

And I don't blame the sister at all. I don't know all the details but she probably took the right decision under those terrible circumstances.

[MisterLove]

Well, his sister certainly took the easy option by abandoning their mother to his care. [...]

Have you ever lived with a violent schizophrenic mother?

I have and if this situation is even remotely similar to mine, I can assure you she did the right thing.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I have done the care-giving thing for a few people in my life. Most people actually tend to become a prick to one degree or another.

Resentment, hatred, anger, depression, anxiety, fear and lots of other things afflict a person who is dependent on others. Few people actually like having to rely on others for anything in their life.

Mind this isn't me handing her a get out of humanity card, I'm just explaining.

They are in a new place. Tell me, how many Friends and family come to visit her? Many? Some, Few... none?

If its few to none you got to take into account that her son is the only insurance she has that she is taken care of. Yes I know, logically one would expect she would sweeten up and keep him around with generous amounts of thanks. However emotionally manipulation and keeping a person hostage tends to work far better since treating people nicely rarely ends as well as it should.

Fear does interesting things to a person. And she has real reason to fear, one of her offspring have totally abandoned her, she is most likely the other is going to abandon her as well.


Since she is going to rehabilitation, I strongly suggest you tag along when he takes her to therapy, and once she is in the gym or whatever you and he talk to staff there and ask them where you all can go to find more services to lighten the load on him.

Yes there are government programs. If she is on disability/social security she may qualify for several programs which include visiting PT and nursing.

Furthermore, if she is on SSI/SSD then he can be paid via social security for being her caregiver (not caretaker - caregiver).

Other services like maid service, food programs and other assistance programs are out thee footed by the state depending on the person's income and their disability.

As her caregiver he is going to have to draw some strong lines and stick to his guns. He is going to have to learn how to say no and practice 'tough love'. This doesn't mean beat or abuse her, but patiently and steadily make it clear that she cannot and will not hold him emotionally hostage.

I note that several of the individuals I cared for actually needed the threat of nursing home or institutionalization to motivate them - motivate them to do their exercises, motivate them to take on duties for themselves, motivate them to be a nicer (more grateful) person. The best method to remind them of that is tell them point blank 'If I wasn't here then what do you think will happen to you?'.

Its best said gently with no real reproach nor accusation in ones voice.


He is young and naive. Also he is emotionally invested - this is Mom for christsake - no one can actually turn on their own mother. no matter how much of a psychopath she may be.

I suggest YOU start googling and researching.

https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=ass...caregivers

http://www.dhs.state.mn.us/main/idcplg?I...=id_020554 is an example of what Minnesota can do. I don't know what state you are in, but you can Google Programs for people needing at home care in _______________(your state).

Her doctor will most likely have a list to start on. Social Security/State Disability will have pamphlets. Public health agencies have programs and pamplets. Churches often have programs of assistance....

The leg work is the killer. Even with the internet you will find that going to places and asking people directly tends to get more information than web searches.

Another thing is to Google Visiting nurse association by your state. as example: https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=Vis...te&spell=1 While they may or may not be able to provide service, they tend to have a whole lot of useful information, pamphlets contacts.

[princealbertofb]

Have you ever lived with a violent schizophrenic mother?

I have and if this situation is even remotely similar to mine, I can assure you she did the right thing.

No, I haven't, and you are right, but nothing in Poondue's post told us that she was schizophrenic, so I didn't respond with that idea in mind. I understood her to be a manipulator of feelings and one who is good at giving guilt trips and probably likes to be the victim or to be seen as the victim... My own mother could be like that sometimes, but she was not crazy or mad or mentally or physically ill in any way. Women know how to use their wiles... I became aware of that and I knew how to keep some distance.

[princealbertofb]

I have done the care-giving thing for a few people in my life. Most people actually tend to become a prick to one degree or another.

Resentment, hatred, anger, depression, anxiety, fear and lots of other things afflict a person who is dependent on others. Few people actually like having to rely on others for anything in their life.

Mind this isn't me handing her a get out of humanity card, I'm just explaining.

They are in a new place. Tell me, how many Friends and family come to visit her? Many? Some, Few... none?

If its few to none you got to take into account that her son is the only insurance she has that she is taken care of. Yes I know, logically one would expect she would sweeten up and keep him around with generous amounts of thanks. However emotionally manipulation and keeping a person hostage tends to work far better since treating people nicely rarely ends as well as it should.

Fear does interesting things to a person. And she has real reason to fear, one of her offspring have totally abandoned her, she is most likely the other is going to abandon her as well.


Since she is going to rehabilitation, I strongly suggest you tag along when he takes her to therapy, and once she is in the gym or whatever you and he talk to staff there and ask them where you all can go to find more services to lighten the load on him.

Yes there are government programs. If she is on disability/social security she may qualify for several programs which include visiting PT and nursing.

Furthermore, if she is on SSI/SSD then he can be paid via social security for being her caregiver (not caretaker - caregiver).

Other services like maid service, food programs and other assistance programs are out thee footed by the state depending on the person's income and their disability.

As her caregiver he is going to have to draw some strong lines and stick to his guns. He is going to have to learn how to say no and practice 'tough love'. This doesn't mean beat or abuse her, but patiently and steadily make it clear that she cannot and will not hold him emotionally hostage.

I note that several of the individuals I cared for actually needed the threat of nursing home or institutionalization to motivate them - motivate them to do their exercises, motivate them to take on duties for themselves, motivate them to be a nicer (more grateful) person. The best method to remind them of that is tell them point blank 'If I wasn't here then what do you think will happen to you?'.

Its best said gently with no real reproach nor accusation in ones voice.


He is young and naive. Also he is emotionally invested - this is Mom for christsake - no one can actually turn on their own mother. no matter how much of a psychopath she may be.

I suggest YOU start googling and researching.

https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=ass...caregivers

http://www.dhs.state.mn.us/main/idcplg?I...=id_020554 is an example of what Minnesota can do. I don't know what state you are in, but you can Google Programs for people needing at home care in _______________(your state).

Her doctor will most likely have a list to start on. Social Security/State Disability will have pamphlets. Public health agencies have programs and pamplets. Churches often have programs of assistance....

The leg work is the killer. Even with the internet you will find that going to places and asking people directly tends to get more information than web searches.

Another thing is to Google Visiting nurse association by your state. as example: https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=Vis...te&spell=1 While they may or may not be able to provide service, they tend to have a whole lot of useful information, pamphlets contacts.

Shades of Norman Bates in Psycho... right?

As usual, you come up with some really interesting goods, Bowyn... Thanks.

[MisterLove]

- no one can actually turn on their own mother. no matter how much of a psychopath she may be.

Motherhood is more than just biology, it also requires love, affection, respect...

If the woman that gave birth to you is abusive and manipulative, the only reasonable thing to do is to leave her alone.

Rule #1: Keep good company, avoid bad people ( incl. Mom, if that's the case).

[MisterLove]

Shades of Norman Bates in Psycho... right?

My thoughts exactly.

You don't want to turn into this: