Cancelling plans!!

[reaper]

Last week I made plans to meet up with my bondage buddy outside of the club, something we have not done before.

I've brought up the idea of us hooking up as well, which he is also interested in doing. We've talked about it quite a bit and kissed a few times. When we hung at the club last week we had a lot of fun and admitted to having a little crush on each other.

This would be a very casual thing. He has a sexual relationship with another guy in the club, who I'm also friendly with, and dates other guys as well. I've know all this from the beginning and am good with it. I'm the one who initiated the shift in our relationship. (I use that word in it's simple form)

Last week was a lot of fun. We were into each other! (not physically, lol) I told him I had Fridays and the weekends off and those were the best days we could hang out. He said he also has Fridays free and we decided to meet up on that day....

Last night I called him, for the first time, to make plans. He forgot that it was Halloween night, and I hadn't thought of that either when we made the plans. He said he had plans with a few friends to go to the parade and that after they may go to a bar.

I expected we would cancel and make plans another time. He invited me to go. I said it sounded cool and was in. I wasn't really sure I was 100% in when I got to think about it a bit more, but it could still be fun stepping outside the box and my comfort zone has been working in my favor as of late.

He call me back a bit later when he has some more information. He says he asked a bunch of people to go to this parade (earlier on) and everyone wanted to go. They would be meeting at his friends house and gives me the address. At this point it's no longer a few friends, but more of a small group. He also says a guy he dated a few times would be going who he didn't mention the kink stuff to and wanted me to not mention it. They may also be marching in the parade and he may have a costume for me if I wanted it.

I say ok and our conversation ends.

Now I have a little space to think this over. I come to the conclusion that this may not be the greatest idea...

A few things. Since I've never hung out with him outside the club this would be a first. I wouldn't say we were going on a date, but we are hanging out knowing we are planning on hooking up. I think it's always a bit awkward prior to a first hangout, and our friendship isn't exactly typical.

This would also be the first time I hung out with a gay guy which will also be my first same sex hookup.

My connection to him revolves around the bondage club. If that's off the table, I wouldn't even know how to explain my relationship to him. If I were to be sociable, and I would try to be in this kind of setting, people could ask questions. About my connection to the guy, how we know each other, ect. I would be some guy none of them ever saw before and some kind of inquiry would almost be expected.

I wouldn't really be able to get to know him any better in this setting. I wouldn't even know the appropriate way to interact with him in this situation.

My gut feeling, which has led me well so far, is this isn't a great idea. To many moving parts in this scenario for me. I'll see him Sunday at the club and I'm sure we'll talk about the things I've mentioned here. We talk openly about most things. Going to the city on Halloween night and having to catch a bus out of the city could be a hassle as well. This will be what I tell him when we talk and don't think I'll go into anything else on the phone.

I'm sure we can arrange to hang out in a less chaotic situation down the road.

Based on this, do you guys think my cancelling is the right call or should I go regardless of my concerns?

[palbert]

I know I would feel very uncomfortable in the situation you describe. I endorse cancelling.

[ShiftyNJ]

Ya I agree that's very different than what you signed up for. As long you are honest about your hesitation and you don't come across as sounding butt-hurt about it, it should not be a big deal. He made the decision to do what he wants to do, so he has no reason to be upset by it. Just say something to the effect of "This is all new to me, and that sounds like a lot all at once. I would rather we hung out on our own first."

[Rareboy]

hmmm....could be lots of fun but if you are out of your comfort zone....I guess you need to be honest and tell him that you would like to get to know him better first on his own......

If he is interested, he'll understand.

[reaper]

Ya I agree that's very different than what you signed up for. As long you are honest about your hesitation and you don't come across as sounding butt-hurt about it, it should not be a big deal. He made the decision to do what he wants to do, so he has no reason to be upset by it. Just say something to the effect of "This is all new to me, and that sounds like a lot all at once. I would rather we hung out on our own first."

Thanks, and you hit he nail on the head. This situation is quite different then what we discussed. And I won't come across as butt-hurt about it. I did initially feel a bit hurt by this in a way, but quickly let it go. He was very up front about the entire thing and hasn't mislead me in any way here, so it's all good. He didn't need to invite me either, he could have just said he made previous plans and that would be it. And I'll tell him exactly what you said, it's a bit much for a first hangout.

This may even be a plus in the end. It's the first time something hasn't worked out (in a way) between us. Up to this point I've really been going full speed ahead, but I think I need to apply a little brake here.

Not getting to emotionally attached is something we've talked about. Backing out here for logical reasons without it being a "thing" might be a positive.

I'm sure he'll understand.

[Camfer]

Rather than "cancel," you could use the words "reschedule for another Friday that isn't Halloween." And thank him for including you in tonight's happenings, but you're not going to make it.

[reaper]

Rather than "cancel," you could use the words "reschedule for another Friday that isn't Halloween." And thank him for including you in tonight's happenings, but you're not going to make it.

OHH, that's a great suggestion. It sound much better!

[East]

It sounds uncomfortable but I agree...be honest about it but frame it is the nicest terms...meeting another time would be great and rescheduling or making plans for another day is a good idea....keep it light and breezy

Halloween is pretty much THE gay holiday of the year so the growing group is a natural progression.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I wouldn't even know how to explain my relationship to him. If I were to be sociable, and I would try to be in this kind of setting, people could ask questions. About my connection to the guy, how we know each other, ect. I would be some guy none of them ever saw before and some kind of inquiry would almost be expected.

I suggest calling him and bringing up these questions, and see what he suggests. Effective lying is when all parties know which lies to tell. Having an agreed upon basic 'facts' goes along way at pulling the wool over most of the eyes of those observing.

I believe the word 'friend' applies in some socially acceptable way and 'met at another social occasion' also covers the 'We met at a sex dungeon'.

Not technically lies, but not actual blunt truths either.

I wouldn't really be able to get to know him any better in this setting. I wouldn't even know the appropriate way to interact with him in this situation.

The first is not really true, you learn a lot about people when you see them in the wild - e.g. around their friends and associates. You get to see sides of them that you do not see alone or in a sex club.

The other is easy, how would you treat a buddy/friend/casual acquaintance?

I think you are making this a bit more complicated than it needs to be. Sure you two may have expressed a possible interest in more than 'just friends' - however the reality is that if there is going to be more you need to be friends first.

This is actually an ideal situation where neither of you will feel compelled to judge the other and do the whole 'we are on a date and have to impress the other'. you two can be friendly and chatty about other things besides sex and love and all of that other type stuff.

[MikeW]

Reaper, you never cease to amaze me. You have incredible self-awareness, sensitivity to yourself and others, are grounded and know how to think things through! I would probably have gone and felt awkward and miserable the entreat time. So, yeah, I agree, taking a rain check sounds like the best idea here.

ETA: Just read Bowen's reply and he makes good points, too. Discussing all this with the guy may be the way to go, although it is getting a bit late in the day for that. What I'm sure of is you'll make the right decision for you.