My Coming Out Conundrum

[Titan924]

Hello all, I'm new so I figured I would share my coming out experience, since it was not a very good one. I waited until halfway through college to come out, and really only did so because of my amazing boyfriend (all I wanted to do was brag about him ) and started with some very close friends, eventually working my way to others. With only one exception it went very well, with everyone congratulating me and telling me they were happy for me and all that. It left me feeling confident and on top of the world. Then I decided I wanted to tell my parents. It went very poorly and left me in a very dark place for the past month. With my bf help I'm coming back to normalcy but it really hit me hard. My mom cried for hours and my dad just couldn't speak (said he didn't understand it). Now I'm terrified that they will decide they don't want a gay son and try to turn me straight or kick me out of the house. I still haven't told my siblings and I'm scared to do that as well. Has anyone ever dealt with this?? Coming out went from something I really wanted to do, to something I don't want to do again.

[Lexington]

Sorry to hear that coming out to the parents didn't go so well. When things go awry, it's usually best to do your best to stay in a spot of "quiet strength". Answer any questions as calmly and factually as you can ("yes, I'm sure. And nothing will have to change because of this."). And I'd say go ahead and come out to your siblings - best they hear it from you than your parents.

Lex

[johnnyanger]

Sorry to hear that coming out to the parents didn't go so well. When things go awry, it's usually best to do your best to stay in a spot of "quiet strength". Answer any questions as calmly and factually as you can ("yes, I'm sure. And nothing will have to change because of this."). And I'd say go ahead and come out to your siblings - best they hear it from you than your parents.

Lex

This! Try not to let it drag you down, it is there issue that is causing the problem here not you.

Do you live with your parents currently?

[Titan924]

@Johnnyanger Yes! I do currently live with them and my little sister. My older brother has moved out of our house and I rarely see him

[Borg69]

My parents kicked me out at 18. I came out to them several years later. Like you, Mom took it poorly and didn't speak to me for about 6 months. With time she came around to a "don't ask don't tell" attitude. Now, decades later she's fine with it and comes over for dinner, or we go there and she hugs and likes my BF.

My point... ? I'm not sure... it takes time, and you have to pave your own road, even if it means you make your own family. Blood isn't thicker than water. If you're not lucky enough to have a sportive loving family, create your own. I have friends I'm much closer to than some extended family. You'll survive.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Neither my brother or myself were well received by my parental units when we came out (at different times).

He was kicked out when he did it (he was 16 - I was 12). I was already long gone from the house (age 24). I learned from his 'mistake' I guess.

It still didn't end well for either of us, not with parental units.

So we just went out and made our own families, screw the biologicals we don't need them.

IF you folks do disown you, kick you out, whatever - you will come to terms with it, will, eventually stop seeking their approval, love, acceptance and build your own family out a collection of kind, decent people who will accept and love you.

Do I regret coming out - nope. I definitely wouldn't want to do it again because it was messy, hurtful, painful... but the long run being out just worked out better than trying to live a lie.

[Lexington]

My point... ? I'm not sure... it takes time...

I forgot to mention this.

It's very easy to overlook a simple fact - it probably took months if not years for you to come out to yourself. Your parents' concerns and reactions are probably concerns and reactions we might have had early on in our personal "coming out" process. Denial, confusion, dumb questions - we often have been there ourselves. And when we come out to our family members, quite often, they're way back at the beginning. "Are you sure?" That question gets us riled up - of COURSE we're sure! We wouldn't be telling them otherwise. But we were there once. When we weren't sure. We've had months if not years to come to grips with our sexualities. They've had a few minutes. So some dumb questions aren't too surprising. It's not easy, but it's usually well worth trying to help them through it, if they're willing to accept that help.

Lex

[MikeW]

Welcome, Titan. I hope you'll continue to stick around and let us know how this is all working out for you.

Not knowing you or your parents, it is difficult to give specific advice. I'd want my parents to know that this wasn't easy for me, that I shared this truth because I didn't want to live a lie and have that lie come between us. In other words, i'd want them to know that I shared this truth with them so we could be closer, not further apart as a family. I'd want my parents to know that I need them because being gay isn't easy -- and a supportive family can make all the difference in life, gay or not. I'd also want them to know that I understand this is shocking news, that it wasn't easy for me to accept, either.

I'm not sure how much of any of that works for you and your family. I don't know what the issue about it is for them.

In my family it was purely religious and so, for them, there could be no acceptance. For them, it was right up there with demon possession. So, I chose not to come out to them at all and it DID drive a huge wedge between us.