11-13-2014, 01:59 AM
I'm dishing out advice instead of asking for it. I know we have younger members on here, and school's been back in session for about a couple months (sorry it's so late) BUT I figured those of us who've been in the trenches, it's time to share our wisdom and help the young'uns with a little advice on handing morons who harass them. I was going to post this in the teen section, but I saw quite a few tumbleweeds bounce by, and this section is always full of activity, so here goes.
I've always hated the "Don't sink to their level!" approach. I get the feeling whomever said that had never been made fun of in their lives. Yes, picking your battles in important, but since I spent several years being insulted, teased and a social pariah, I think it's only fair to stand up for yourself. If you are reading this and you disagree, there's no real need to say so in the thread, just politely ignore it. That would be an act of picking your battles, would it not?
This is meant mostly for the typical high school students and the struggles they face from their ignorant and cruel peers. Some general themes can translate to all of our lives, but I figured I'd do what I can to help this age group specifically. I'm applying this very specific to bullying at school. We've all become aware of how important it is to curtail it as soon as possible. While a quick Google search gave websites with polite answers and "that's not okay!" kind of responses I thought those were nice and all, but not realistic. I believe they need to stand up for themselves and speak in a way said bullies would understand. They won't respond to all those polite retorts. You have to speak in their sadly ignorant language.
General Rules:
#1: Don't swear or call names
It's very tempting to tell whomever is harassing you to f*ck off, but if you're looking for the help of a teacher or other nearby adult who can help you, they might cite you for "inappropriate language" too. It's not fair, but it you want help it's important to simply defend yourself. Threatening someone else, however empty it is, won't help either. Do NOT call them names. Leave that to them. That way, you're in the right. Stay on the defensive only.
#2: Making a statement
If you're arguing with someone and there's a crowd with you, a little advice on being heard. If you're about to throw down some awesome one-liners...if you can, tell everyone else to shut up before you say something brilliant or it'll get lost in the muddle. If nothing else, it'll make you feel empowered. I do like a dramatic flair when telling people off!
#3: Know your audience:
These snarky retorts will be fine with peers, but using them with parents or any other adults, no matter how ignorant they are, isn't the way to go. That's where those polite "That's no okay!" responses belong.
Attitude: Use it!
There are a lot of ways you can handle people bullying you and it's good if you develop a repertoire for dealing with them. I find pretending it doesn't get to you when you know it does is almost dangerous. Denying the fact that you're being mistreated is unhealthy. Do something about it. Some approaches I like are...
Sarcasm
Them: *Insult*
You: "And I care what you think becaussssssse........why?"
Blatant honestly with a nonchalant attitude:
Real-life success story: I had a magazine I carried around school with Pink on the cover. I wanted to show it off. She was topless and holding a Pink Floyd record to cover up. I thought it was rebellious, punk, and sexy. A guy in my resource class who wasn't particularly pleasant sauntered to my desk, looked at the cover and it went as follows:
Him: "Oh, what do you like that or something?"
Me [looks up directly at him]: Yeah, actually, I do. You got a problem with that?"
He didn't say a word after that, and he left me alone!
Self-confidence vs. Self-hate:
I've learned that half-seriously thinking a little too highly of yourself is SO much better than hating or insulting yourself. It's extremely common for self-hatred to run rampant in your teens and early 20's, so it's a tough battle, but worth it.
Why to feign self-confidence:
It's a tough habit to break, but this is one of the rare exceptions where "fake it til you make it" actually works. Act confidently and you'll eventually believe it and others will believe it even sooner than you will. It will take some time, though. Gaining self-confidence is a process.
One-Liners:
"You're just jeaous because I've been with more girls/guys than you have!"
"My boy/girlfriend is hotter than yours!"
"At least I'm not going to prom alone."
So do whatever version of this that feels comfortable for you, add your own personal touches to it. Don't push yourself to be shocking or vulgar if that's not your thing.
This next advice might be controversial, but since I've actually been a teenager before, I know they have no issues crossing some weird lines by making fun of your sex life or making references to sexual acts or whatever. It's inappropriate and kind of creepy, but it's pretty common.
They're perpetuating the stereotype of same-sex relationships only being about sex, esp. guys making fun of other guys for it. Honestly? If you're comfortable doing so, maybe you could respond by bragging about how it was awesome. That's the last thing they're anticipating from you. No one expects you to be totally confident about it. They expect you to be ashamed, embarrassed or belittled, which is why they're making fun of it in the first place. In that case remember these wise words:
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Elanor Roosevelt
So if you dare to...
Them: "Well I heard that you ************ your boyfriend!!"
You: "Yes. And it was awesome.", "So?"
If you aren't comfortable doing that, remind them it's not their business and it's not up for speculation. Feel free to tell them it's super-creepy they mentioned it to begin with. If you do brag and they say it's gross or whatever, remind them they brought it up in the first place.
NOTE: Guys--if other guys try to make fun of said sex life or you being gay in general, these are important questions to ask them:
"Why are you so interested in my sex life?"
"Why are you so obsessed with me being gay? You talk about it like all the time. It's weird."
I bring this up because real scientific studies have been done over the years and actually proven that people who constantly mock others for being gay or bi are actually very likely to be so themselves. They want to push away who they are, and they project it onto you, someone who is comfortable with who they are, and they probably envy how self-assured you are, so they push you away, literally and otherwise. I see it like this: If they're talking about it all the time, they're thinking about it all the time.
Defense for all situations:
Assert yourself as follows:
Several years ago...
Girl on the bus: *says something awful about me*
Me: "You have to right to talk about me that way!"
Girl: "Yes, I do."
Me. "No, you don't."
Girl: "I thought you were my friend."
Me: "I was never your friend!"
I was very proud of myself that day; it happened almost 15 years ago, and I still remember it clearly. I finally stood up for myself!
And the biggest one of all:
"If you have a problem with my sexuality or gender identity you are the one with the problem, not me."
It's so easy to feel like you're wrong for being who you are when so many people around you don't approve; it's natural to assume since you're outnumbered you're incorrect. But don't confuse 'uncommon' with 'incorrect'. You're not bad, you're just different. Better yet, you're just you.
As Oscar Wilde once put it: "Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken."
And one of my favorite quotes about survival:
"When you've reached the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." -FDR
I invite everyone to add to this thread and tell us what helped them the most! I'm actually pretty interested in what some of our older members have to say for advice, esp. if they grew up in a different cultural landscape for the LGBT community. Good luck and let's share!
I've always hated the "Don't sink to their level!" approach. I get the feeling whomever said that had never been made fun of in their lives. Yes, picking your battles in important, but since I spent several years being insulted, teased and a social pariah, I think it's only fair to stand up for yourself. If you are reading this and you disagree, there's no real need to say so in the thread, just politely ignore it. That would be an act of picking your battles, would it not?
This is meant mostly for the typical high school students and the struggles they face from their ignorant and cruel peers. Some general themes can translate to all of our lives, but I figured I'd do what I can to help this age group specifically. I'm applying this very specific to bullying at school. We've all become aware of how important it is to curtail it as soon as possible. While a quick Google search gave websites with polite answers and "that's not okay!" kind of responses I thought those were nice and all, but not realistic. I believe they need to stand up for themselves and speak in a way said bullies would understand. They won't respond to all those polite retorts. You have to speak in their sadly ignorant language.
General Rules:
#1: Don't swear or call names
It's very tempting to tell whomever is harassing you to f*ck off, but if you're looking for the help of a teacher or other nearby adult who can help you, they might cite you for "inappropriate language" too. It's not fair, but it you want help it's important to simply defend yourself. Threatening someone else, however empty it is, won't help either. Do NOT call them names. Leave that to them. That way, you're in the right. Stay on the defensive only.
#2: Making a statement
If you're arguing with someone and there's a crowd with you, a little advice on being heard. If you're about to throw down some awesome one-liners...if you can, tell everyone else to shut up before you say something brilliant or it'll get lost in the muddle. If nothing else, it'll make you feel empowered. I do like a dramatic flair when telling people off!
#3: Know your audience:
These snarky retorts will be fine with peers, but using them with parents or any other adults, no matter how ignorant they are, isn't the way to go. That's where those polite "That's no okay!" responses belong.
Attitude: Use it!
There are a lot of ways you can handle people bullying you and it's good if you develop a repertoire for dealing with them. I find pretending it doesn't get to you when you know it does is almost dangerous. Denying the fact that you're being mistreated is unhealthy. Do something about it. Some approaches I like are...
- Sarcasm
- Blatant honesty with a nonchalant attitude
- Intellectual assessments of their ignorance
- Clever insults with just enough condescension
Sarcasm
Them: *Insult*
You: "And I care what you think becaussssssse........why?"
Blatant honestly with a nonchalant attitude:
Real-life success story: I had a magazine I carried around school with Pink on the cover. I wanted to show it off. She was topless and holding a Pink Floyd record to cover up. I thought it was rebellious, punk, and sexy. A guy in my resource class who wasn't particularly pleasant sauntered to my desk, looked at the cover and it went as follows:
Him: "Oh, what do you like that or something?"
Me [looks up directly at him]: Yeah, actually, I do. You got a problem with that?"
He didn't say a word after that, and he left me alone!
Self-confidence vs. Self-hate:
I've learned that half-seriously thinking a little too highly of yourself is SO much better than hating or insulting yourself. It's extremely common for self-hatred to run rampant in your teens and early 20's, so it's a tough battle, but worth it.
Why to feign self-confidence:
- Insulting yourself all the time is annoying and counter-productive
- Self-hatred radiates a genuine lack of confidence
- When you insult yourself, it means you're technically agreeing with your haters.
It's a tough habit to break, but this is one of the rare exceptions where "fake it til you make it" actually works. Act confidently and you'll eventually believe it and others will believe it even sooner than you will. It will take some time, though. Gaining self-confidence is a process.
One-Liners:
"You're just jeaous because I've been with more girls/guys than you have!"
"My boy/girlfriend is hotter than yours!"
"At least I'm not going to prom alone."
So do whatever version of this that feels comfortable for you, add your own personal touches to it. Don't push yourself to be shocking or vulgar if that's not your thing.
This next advice might be controversial, but since I've actually been a teenager before, I know they have no issues crossing some weird lines by making fun of your sex life or making references to sexual acts or whatever. It's inappropriate and kind of creepy, but it's pretty common.
They're perpetuating the stereotype of same-sex relationships only being about sex, esp. guys making fun of other guys for it. Honestly? If you're comfortable doing so, maybe you could respond by bragging about how it was awesome. That's the last thing they're anticipating from you. No one expects you to be totally confident about it. They expect you to be ashamed, embarrassed or belittled, which is why they're making fun of it in the first place. In that case remember these wise words:
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Elanor Roosevelt
So if you dare to...
Them: "Well I heard that you ************ your boyfriend!!"
You: "Yes. And it was awesome.", "So?"
If you aren't comfortable doing that, remind them it's not their business and it's not up for speculation. Feel free to tell them it's super-creepy they mentioned it to begin with. If you do brag and they say it's gross or whatever, remind them they brought it up in the first place.
NOTE: Guys--if other guys try to make fun of said sex life or you being gay in general, these are important questions to ask them:
"Why are you so interested in my sex life?"
"Why are you so obsessed with me being gay? You talk about it like all the time. It's weird."
I bring this up because real scientific studies have been done over the years and actually proven that people who constantly mock others for being gay or bi are actually very likely to be so themselves. They want to push away who they are, and they project it onto you, someone who is comfortable with who they are, and they probably envy how self-assured you are, so they push you away, literally and otherwise. I see it like this: If they're talking about it all the time, they're thinking about it all the time.
Defense for all situations:
Assert yourself as follows:
Several years ago...
Girl on the bus: *says something awful about me*
Me: "You have to right to talk about me that way!"
Girl: "Yes, I do."
Me. "No, you don't."
Girl: "I thought you were my friend."
Me: "I was never your friend!"
I was very proud of myself that day; it happened almost 15 years ago, and I still remember it clearly. I finally stood up for myself!
And the biggest one of all:
"If you have a problem with my sexuality or gender identity you are the one with the problem, not me."
It's so easy to feel like you're wrong for being who you are when so many people around you don't approve; it's natural to assume since you're outnumbered you're incorrect. But don't confuse 'uncommon' with 'incorrect'. You're not bad, you're just different. Better yet, you're just you.
As Oscar Wilde once put it: "Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken."
And one of my favorite quotes about survival:
"When you've reached the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." -FDR
I invite everyone to add to this thread and tell us what helped them the most! I'm actually pretty interested in what some of our older members have to say for advice, esp. if they grew up in a different cultural landscape for the LGBT community. Good luck and let's share!
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