11-26-2014, 12:58 AM
It’s the night before Thanksgiving break, and I can’t help but reflect on what the past year has been like for me and the experiences I’ve had as an openly gay man. There have been times I have hit rock bottom, and I’m still maneuvering through it, figuring out how to do this whole thing. I know I have grown a lot in the past year and will continue to do so, but I have to start making healthier decisions for myself, both physically and emotionally.
This post is for me to look back on, but it is nice to post it in the semi-anonymous abyss that is tumblr. I don’t know why things happen. I don’t know why right after coming out, I met such an emotionally destructive person. I thought initially that things would get better, and in some ways they did. However, I would say that being gay is hands down the most challenging aspect of my life. I’m not sure if it’s the way I view it or if it’s my environment, or what it is exactly, but I can tell you that it sucks so far. I’m not trying to sound like an over-emotional, whiny person, but it really does.
Anyway, the purpose of this post is to get a few things off my chest about the things I’ve dealt with in the past year or so. In late August of 2013, I met him. He made me feel things I have never felt before, he completely enthralled me. He gave me hope that this whole gay thing could work out. After just 2 months, things rapidly changed. He cheated on me, and obviously I felt completely betrayed. The one person I finally trusted and opened up to, and was essentially the reason I came out at school, betrayed me. This didn’t and hasn’t phased him. He never showed any remorse for the way he treated me. After this incident, he would then act as though nothing was really wrong and tell me to shut up about the whole thing and that I was making a big deal out of nothing. At this point, he had whittled my already low self-esteem to nothing, so I eventually just acted okay with it. I was exhausted. If I ever did call him out on something, he would remind of the coffee he got me or whatever nice material thing he would get me.
He made me feel inferior. He would always say that I wasn’t really his type, yet continue to act like he is my boyfriend and I liked it. Why didn’t I walk away like everyone told me? Obviously the fear of being alone again. I’m trying to see this thing as me being set free, I know that’s what it is. It’s a difficult thing to maneuver, but now that it’s over, I feel like I really am free. I am so nervous that I’ll go back to him one day, that I’ll make a bad, drunk decision and hook up with him. For now, it is the way it is and I can say I’m no longer in a relationship with who I truly believe to be a legitimate sociopath, so that’s good.
I just wanted to share my story and any advice on how to move forward is greatly appreciated.
This post is for me to look back on, but it is nice to post it in the semi-anonymous abyss that is tumblr. I don’t know why things happen. I don’t know why right after coming out, I met such an emotionally destructive person. I thought initially that things would get better, and in some ways they did. However, I would say that being gay is hands down the most challenging aspect of my life. I’m not sure if it’s the way I view it or if it’s my environment, or what it is exactly, but I can tell you that it sucks so far. I’m not trying to sound like an over-emotional, whiny person, but it really does.
Anyway, the purpose of this post is to get a few things off my chest about the things I’ve dealt with in the past year or so. In late August of 2013, I met him. He made me feel things I have never felt before, he completely enthralled me. He gave me hope that this whole gay thing could work out. After just 2 months, things rapidly changed. He cheated on me, and obviously I felt completely betrayed. The one person I finally trusted and opened up to, and was essentially the reason I came out at school, betrayed me. This didn’t and hasn’t phased him. He never showed any remorse for the way he treated me. After this incident, he would then act as though nothing was really wrong and tell me to shut up about the whole thing and that I was making a big deal out of nothing. At this point, he had whittled my already low self-esteem to nothing, so I eventually just acted okay with it. I was exhausted. If I ever did call him out on something, he would remind of the coffee he got me or whatever nice material thing he would get me.
He made me feel inferior. He would always say that I wasn’t really his type, yet continue to act like he is my boyfriend and I liked it. Why didn’t I walk away like everyone told me? Obviously the fear of being alone again. I’m trying to see this thing as me being set free, I know that’s what it is. It’s a difficult thing to maneuver, but now that it’s over, I feel like I really am free. I am so nervous that I’ll go back to him one day, that I’ll make a bad, drunk decision and hook up with him. For now, it is the way it is and I can say I’m no longer in a relationship with who I truly believe to be a legitimate sociopath, so that’s good.
I just wanted to share my story and any advice on how to move forward is greatly appreciated.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
to GS!
.
