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Relationship that suck the happiness out of you
#1
I don’t know if this is the right corner or forum to post this one but I’ll just post it anyway. I remember the article that I have read before somewhere and I thought of sharing it here. To some of us getting tired of our not so good relationship or when to leave unhealthy relationship, maybe this one is for you.

Relationships that suck the happiness out of you.

Give, but don’t get used. Never waste too much of your time on someone who doesn’t value it.

A good relationship doesn’t drag you down, it lifts you up. Listen to positive people and ignore negative ones. People that doubt, judge and disrespect you are not worth your time and attention. Life gets easier when you delete the people that make it difficult. All failed relationships hurt, but losing someone who doesn’t appreciate and respect you is actually a gain, not a loss.

Being alone in the long run is far better than being with someone who doesn’t appreciate your worth. Know your worth. Know the difference between what you’re getting and what you deserve. There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for the people who won’t even jump a puddle for you.

Sometimes, it can be difficult to know when to leave a relationship. Perhaps things aren't great, but they're not too bad either. It's easy to sit on the fence for a while and just let fate take over, but it's better to make a deliberate choice to stay or go. When making this decision, an important question to ask yourself is, "Is this relationship unhealthy?"

The best break-up advice I can give you here is this: YOU HAVE THE PERMISSION TO GO.

Heartbreak is part of life, and your partner agreed to that possibility when he pursued a relationship with you. There are no guarantees in love, and deep down we all know that all the promises in the world can't change the fact that humans sometimes have a change of heart.

Sometimes relationships go sour. Maybe things were good at first, but then your partner revealed his self to be clingy, jealous, manipulative and controlling. Maybe you're stuck in a codependent relationship. Again, you have the choice to move on to a better life.

You CAN'T stay with someone out of a pity.

A relationship is a choice, You can break up with anyone at anytime, and for any reason. It doesn't matter if you've been together 10 days or 10 years. There's always the possibility that one partner will choose a different path.

Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what could be. Just keep going and keep thingking, “ I may not be there yet, but Im closer than I was yesterday” Inevitably, you will make a lot of mistakes and you will feel plenty of pain, but in life, mistakes make you smarter and pain makes you stronger.

Bottom line: Don’t worry about mistakes to much, because some of the most beautiful things we create in life come from changes we make after failures.

Well I guess that was it, I hope you guys learn something. What I have learned is....

I've learned-
That you cannot make someone love you, all you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.

I've learned-
That it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it. That it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.
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#2
Most people know about all of this. This is why you haven't seen any replies yet, although this post is a great one...

However my friend, there are times when the soul may take extreme measures to protect itself from further pain. It's not just about simple advice.

Lhan28 Wrote:That it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

Not so true like everybody believes. You can possibly build full trust in the blink of an eye. It all depends on a soul attraction between those persons.

Like I always say...
You cannot force love, you cannot fight it, all you have to do is embrace it when it comes.
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#3
BlueStar Wrote:Not so true like everybody believes. You can possibly build full trust in the blink of an eye. It all depends on a soul attraction between those persons.

Like I always say...
You cannot force love, you cannot fight it, all you have to do is embrace it when it comes.



I got your point... Thanks, it made me realize too. Smile .
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#4
This is one area in my life I tend to fail epically - I'm a doormat, I allow people to walk all over me, use me and get away with just about everything....

This whole notion that one can choose to go any time is not really conducive to a long term relationship.

Your grandparents most likely lived together until one of them died. The only amazing thing about that is that that death was natural causes (or thus deemed) and not one murdering the other.

Old timey folk 'got it' - they got that humans are not perfect and we have to muddle through and make do. Yes most of those marriages that made it to 'death did them part' did so because one did all the giving and the other did all the taking. It was called marriage.

It works rather well, because you see there are givers - I'm a giver - I give care and kindness and allow people to use me and soak up every ounce of my strength - I do get my own special brand of satisfaction giving....

And then there are takers....

Long term monogamy is NOT the natural order of things for human beings. They are serial monogamists, staying with one partner long enough to have offspring, raise that offspring to an age where it can fend for its self (which is much younger than 20 years of age thank you very much) and then both partners get tired and want to move on to spread their genetic material with a new mate, which is a win situation for insuring the survival of the DNA which means in the long run the survival of the human species.

Humans developed this concept of monogamy, and life time partnerships (marriage until death do us part), and then totally forgot that in order to achieve these philosophies one needs to work, not pay lip service to it.

Most relationships that end do not end over cheating, affairs, real abuse, they end over stupid shit, and because people think that loves most powerful first hot passion blush is the only form of love that exists to determine partnerships.

My niece married a year ago, she is now divorcing because her husband has 'control issues'... its total BS what is actually happening is that their relationship has hit the power struggle stage which she doesn't want to hear about but what all couples go through. Most couples hit this mark and decide that this means love is dead and give up and move on.

This is also where the priorities are set, who does the housework, the cleaning up after the other, the cooking, the bacon making and all of this other crap which all couples go through (versatile my ass- you regulate these chores like everyone else).

Love is full of myths - myth-conceptions which are blatantly wrong and cripple a couple's chance of success in the short or long run. Take this sweet little saying:

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."

Total BS!

You say you are sorry when you are wrong, and if you are in a relationship and want to move on from this 'thing' that has happened you may end up saying your sorry when you are NOT wrong. Its called compromise and working things out.

If your partner hits you or cheats on you then you leave, everything else can be worked on, 'We' can work a relationship, and that mean both individuals have to give up something in order to satisfy 'Us'.

This 'using' of a person is potentially an 'abuse'. but most people end up using others and being unaware that this is happening. Leaving is an option, sure, but most people just refuse to communicate (instead they judge, make odd stupid comments, wait until the resentments are so high that they accuse and demand changes).

Compromise, communication and commitment are what makes relationships work.

So few people try this stuff that its no wonder the break up rate is astronomically high.
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#5
The thread is also applicable to friendships. Sometimes we have to get to know someone over a long time to learn that we are dragged down by the other person, or that maybe he has changed since we became friends.

I've been letting friends go of late. Most of them are just lopsided to the degree I don't want to do it any more. It's actually liberating to be free of the drain.

I also like what Bowyn said, but my grandmother put it differently. She said that marriage was about give and take and working it out. My grandfather was a serious philanderer when a younger man up through the time my mother was in high school. It did a lot of damage. In reaction to it, my grandmother became a terrible housekeeper and gave up on the domestic front in many ways. But, they did work it out, and were devoted. He died at 65 and she lived another 31 years as a widow, never remarrying and never saying a negative word about him.

The point about forgiving it s a good one. We all need it. We all need to give it.
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#6
My grandparents were married for 50 years. My parents were too. My aunt and uncle hit 65 years. I have been with my partner for almost 34 years.

Sometimes you just put up with one another's shit because the good moments make up for all the bad.

When it is nothing but bad and your soul feels empty....then it is time to say goodbye and move on so that you both might have the opportunity to be happy again.
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#7
Thank you all for your thoughts on this.. I used to have the same issue all through my twenties. Allowing people to take advantage of my feelings. Thankfully, I have got out of it and have learned to be on equal footing.
The flip side is that I have few 'close' friends these days. But I at least I am happy..
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#8
It can be all about looking in the mirror at times and breaking it down. I was in a relationship for 4-5 years and looking back wow, was it fucking terrible. I take most of the blame as I just was out of touch with myself.

I've alwwaaayyysss been into guys right around my age. Bright features, charming smile and wicked chemistry. This guy was 6 years older, taller then me (I'm 6'3) and a total idiot when it came to most things. He'd been sheltered for most of his life as his mother controlled all 3 of her kids.

One big memory I've got is we were moving some patio stones around in his backyard. I sat down for a quick rest and it just came to me 'What are you doing. You're not into this person at all'. I'd realized I wasn't attracted to him at all. This was 18 months in. I just pushed it down. It came back a few times over the following weeks but I kept pushing it down.

Big mistake was us buying a house. I'm not someone to use someone ever but I think subconsciously I did. This is getting deep but I grew up on social assistance with a single mom so we were broker then broke (read 8-10k a year to live on for 2 ppl). I've worked hard and have a decent job but to the level of having the money for a house downpayment? No.

House situation lasted almost 2 years. I realize I pulled away from the relationship quickly after moving. I was always fighting for my own space and freedom. As a result he got more and more clingy and more annoying over time. I did end it and house was sold etc.

I'm not one for regrets but upto that point my life had been all about heavily concentrated life experience. I didn't need to make the same mistake 30 times over to get what I was doing but holy shit I lasted 4-5 years in that nonsense. Atleast I learned every minute lesson from it after the fact.
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#9
People get so desperate to be in a relationship that they jump into one with rose colored glasses on whom see the fantasy of a relationship more than the reality of one, or the reality of whom they're trying to force one with.

Many also don't realize relationships aren't going to fix you, or validate you. Your life isn't going to become 1000% better once you're in one. They're a LOT of work, and compromise, and communication, ... and angst. And aggravation. And disappointment. You can be in one and STILL feel just as, or more alone that when you weren't in one.

Not to say that being in one is BAD... but they're certainly not always the unicorns and rainbows and fuzzy love bunnies people think they are.
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