Do you see this going anywhere?

[zkeenan19]

This is my first time posting on this cite. back in January i met this guy online. i thought he was really cute and we started talking. a lot. he was on winter break and i had just got my wisdom teeth out and was sitting at home in bed all day. after a few days we started to facetime and skype which turned into us spending a week sleeping and video chatting. sometimes falling asleep while doing so. i think we talked for about 120 hours in one week. Over the next month i found myself developing a lot of feelings for him. i thought he was cute and adorable and funny and smart. his little stories into his life were so interesting and i could just sit and listen for hours. by mid january i finally had to tell him that i had feelings for him. we both had a very emotional talk that ended with me starting to cry and telling him that i loved him. I was so scared after i said it. scared that he would be surprised and put off or not like me in that way and my feelings would go unshared. but he started to cry too and said he loved me too. that made me so happy. someone who i had never met liked me for who i was. just for who i was. this amazing guy fell in love with me. ME! i was just so happy. we made a plan and i bought a ticket to go see him. he lives in upstate New York. a $300 plane ticket away (at its cheapest). we both counted down the days. i was so excited. i spent the whole day on the plane just giddy because i knew i was finally going to meet him. as i walked through the airport at his city i just got more and more excited as i got closer to exiting the terminal. as i walked out i looked around and saw him, his mother and his sister on the far side of the room. he had been pacing back and forth but when he saw me he smiled and started walking towards me. i smiled and started towards him as well. we met in the middle and he turned to walk with me towards his family. "hi". his voice sounded even better in person and only made me smile bigger. i noticed he smelled amazing which is something i never thought of but now couldn't get out of my head.i greeted his mom and sister and and the gave me a warm greeting as well. we all left and walked to the car. his mom asked me all the normal questions moms ask. "do you go to school, what do you want to do, whats it like where you live.....". mean while i am texting with him the whole time. he has this cute helpless smile on his face because there is so much he want to say but doesnt want to say in front of his mom (i know cuz he told me while we were talking). we got back to his house and his mom told him he should show me his room and put my stuff down. he brings me down stairs and to his room. i walk in and he fallows me and pushes the door closed. i put mu stuff down and turn around and he pulls me in and kisses me hard and fast. just a quick deep kiss. when he pulls away im a little surprised and dazed. he has the cutest smile on his face that i cant help but smile too. he turns around and leaves. i run after him and grab his butt playfully as we go to sit with his family up stairs. he giggles and runs away faster. we have an amazing time together for a week. we cuddle we kiss we have sex we see his city and he shows me some of his favorite places. 8 days later its time to leave. he drives me to the airport and we say goodbye. we are still new to this and scared of what people think and we dont even kiss goodbye. i go inside and get checked in trying my hardest not to cry. i get to my gate and i have to wait an hour for my plane to board. me and him havent stopped texting this whole time. i tell him im trying so hard not to cry and i miss him so much already. he responds with telling me that hes having a hard time driving cuz hes crying so hard. i spend the whole day miserable and flying away from him. we spend the next few months getting closer. i learn that he had a very tramatic experience when he was younger with a boy he liked and it ended badly through no fault of his own. the other kids parents didnt want there son to be gay. it was still such a strong thing for him he couldnt even say it out loud. we were facetiming and he texted it to me crying the whole time. at the end of may he came out to see me in Arizona. things were different now. we had both had things happen in our life and we had fought over the past months. always making up in the end. while he was here he seemed different. less wanting to be close. spending more time across the room fro me then close. seemed less intimate in almost every way. we still kissed and cuddled and had sex but he seemed less interested. when i asked him about it he said it was because he was in a new place and was uncomfortable doing things around my parents and in their house. he left and it was just as hard for me to see him go as the first time. he seemed to hold it together better but it was all through text so IDK. again we didnt kiss goodbye. over the next 2 months we fought more and more. i went to visit him in the end of July before school started. his parents werent going to be home most of he time i was there so it would just be me and him. this trip was worse. he spent most of the time we were awake on his computer playing a game and wanted to cuddle even less. it ended with us fighting alot. when i left we seemed to be ok. we were taking and we were more affectionate and seemed close. we even got out kiss goodbye. if i had known that might be the last time i would have done it differently. it would have been more then a quick kiss. i would have poured more of my feelings into it. about a month later he told me he was talking to someone from school. about maybe having a fuck buddy there. i wasnt completely blindsided by it. since we were long distance we had discussed open relationship before but neither of us wanted to share the other with someone. he then started to talk about how he wasnt sure about our relationship and he didnt want to miss out on the chance to explore in college. what if he missed out on something? this hurt. for me he was my world. he made me feel happy and complete and i didnt feel id need anyone else if he was there. i told him this and asked if he felt the same. he said he wasnt sure but he guessed he never felt as strongly about me as i did about him. this cut deep. deeper then i ever let on. deeper then he will ever know. the man i love =d and adored and would do literally anything for didnt share my feelings. after almost months our relationship ended. there was a lot of crying on my part. not much on his from what i can tell but i dont know for sure. he was never one to express how he felt or what he was thinking. its just who he was. he said he wanted to be friends and that he still loved me. i didnt and still dont know what that means. for me to love someone is to be there for them and want to do anything to make them happy. help them when they need it. through the good and the bad. this other type of love that he felt is foreign to me. its been 2 months since then and ive asked him a few times if he sees us getting back together (we both said we wanted to try again at some point just after our brake up). right now he doesnt know. im choosing to see that as there is something that makes him want to. i know i do. its the only thing that has kept me going. before i met him i was in a dark place. a very dark place. darker then i let on to anyone or have ever told. i had had more then one night where the question of if i should keep going was a hairsbreadth from no. then he came into my life and showed me that i could be happy. even when life was shitty and the love of my life was across the country i could still be happy. with his motivation i went back to school and got a job and started to try and live again. then that all went away when he said he didnt feel the same. im back in that dark place again. the only thing that i see as positive and having a possible happy ending is if he changes his mind. i dont know how we would work after everything that has happened but i do know that i love that man more then anyone in my whole life and i dont see much of a life without him in it.
(i left out a few details of our relationship that i chose i didnt want to effect our relationship and therefor didnt want it to affect your response) can anyone see a bright side?