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Advice for helping my brother depressed secret gay.
#1
First of all I am a straight man trying to help my brother who is secretly gay. So my bro is 26 years old and people have asked my entire life is he gay? I always laughed and said no. He pretty much is the opposite of the stereotypical gay He is dirty poor hygiene no interest in art or clothes etc. My household is myself my bro and my best friend we have created a hostile environment towards gays over the years making many jokes about the gay lifestyle so hes living this secret and probably thinks we will disown him and kick him out of the house. This would have been true while i was younger but now i have expanded my horizons and its no big deal that hes gay. Sure i was in shock for a day or 2 but im completely 100% fine with it. The big thing is he works very hard at work and just comes home and sleeps till he works the next day he spends days off in bed doing nothing just sleeping the days away sometimes 18 hrs of sleep a day. He says hes tired from work and stressed out and depressed. Now that i found proof he is gay things make alot of sense now. I dont think work is bothering him i think its the secret that he is living with every day and how he can never be his true self and has a shield up around me all the time. I talked it over with my roommate and hes on the same page as me as far as accepting it and making his life easier. Im hoping to confront him in a very supportive manor and tell him i love him and care about him and want him to be happy and not depressed and that i know his secret and that hes different and that its ok, that im ok with it and that i want him to be his real self and enjoy his life the way he wants to. I have heard that young men with no support system around them or with families that wont accept them can lead to high suicide rates in young men. I dont want him to hurt himself and if its up to him i believe he will never really come out to me and my family and hide this secret forever and continue to suffer from depression. So my plan is to confront him today and talk about it and try to get him to release the secret and remove the burden on his mind. Any tips on how i should handle this situation or some good things i can say to him to make him feel better about it. Im sure you guys have horror stories to fairy tale ending and everything in between about your coming out stories and I just want to do this the right way and help my brother. I dont think he has ever told anyone.
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#2
Sounds like a plan.

Hope it goes well!!!

A nice thing for you to do.
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#3
there are many more people here who are more eloquent on GS than I that will put things better but I will say direct confrontation can almost certainly cause him to run to the hills with a huge denial...reverse the roll and see if you would want a relative confronting you about a life long buried secret knowing that all your life that person has created a hostile environment around gay people with insults etc - you probably wouldn't be happy to unburden yourself at that particular moment im sure

you are on the right path about coming for advice though....been accepted about been gay is a massive weight of your shoulders and in many cases would have been a life saver if those words were asked sooner,

one of my coming outs was to a friend who was a football hooligan at the time and 26 stone..a very big guy Smile - I told him and he gave me the biggest hug I have every had in my life...fear of opposition holds us back I think..I guess he just fears telling you but not all people react badly...just like my friend I mentioned

good luck
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#4
the above was my thinking post - on the other hand you could buy him a Hugh Jackman poster for his room and say you thought he would love it - then wait for the reaction....job done
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#5
don't force him to come out. you could make him want to commit suicide even with good intentions.

one thing you can do is to start a conversation with just you and the roommate with your brother in the other room. Tell the room mate how you have changed your views about what you think about homosexuals.
don't make any eye contact with you brother. then start some other conversation.

undo the hostile environment.
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#6
I think it's GREAT you want to be supportive of your brother... but if you're serious, you have to stick to your guns and BE supportive and open minded if you really want to accept him 100%.

He's probably going to be cautious as you yourself have said up till now you've been demonstrating anti-gay comments. You can't do this half-assed.
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#7
So we had a talk for about an hour just now. I was very sincere and calm and told him that i knew the secret he was living with and that i was ok with his lifestyle choice he had made and that i know hes different than me and that I love him and care about him and that it changes nothing. He was denying everything and acting like he didnt know what i was talking about and he was shirtless because he just got out of bed (probably not the best timing but our schedules are very different and thats the only chance i have to talk.) He was sweating all over his entire body as i talked about how i knew as he was saying he didnt know what i was talking about. So i stood up and told him to stand and i hugged him and said i cared and loved for him and that its ok. He stopped sweating so bad and said he was curious about other men and that he has never acted on his feelings but he does look at gay porn and has looked into some chat rooms and things like that. Step one of admitting to some of this is huge as his communication is not very good. I told him i was proud of him for admitting it to me and that i was happy for him to relieve the burden. I made it clear that i gain nothing from this conversation and that it was all for him to feel better about himself and not have to carry this secret. He said he felt uncomfortable talking to me about it and his thoughts were that i was now looking at him differently than before. Honestly and surprisingly i really am not looking at him any different i think ive always known deep down inside so in reality i dont think anything has changed on my end. In the end he said he was very surprised at how i handled it and he thought i would not want to live with him any more. He said he is appreciative that i handled it so well and that it was the opposite of what he expected. Thanks for the advice im glad i didnt push him farther away and that everything went positive. He said i was the first person he ever told and that he didnt want our mother to know because of what it will do to her. She is very loving and would accept him although it would be a burden on her mind and may even make her cry. So i will respect his privacy and leave that to him. He says that he never has acted on his feeling towards a man and that he probably never will and that he cant imagine putting anything into his ass or sucking a penis. I however do think he is gay and just hasnt accepted this fact yet and is in denial. Do i just sit back and be supportive at this point or try and get him into better touch with his true feelings? Is he just curious and going through a stage? Any opinions or advice is welcomed I understand if i need to just leave the situation alone now but I just want whats best for my bro and for him to be happy and i dont know if he can be if still confused or in denial.
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#8
I'm sorry for not being helpful here while nit-picking your posts. I am inexperienced in life and can't offer you any good advice.

BUT would you mind turning your wall of text into several paragraphs. I'm sure other members would appreciate it and be more likely to help you.

Cheers.
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#9
Firstly, your "wall of text" does not bother me and I don't understand why it annoys people but hey, that's there problem.

I think that you should be very proud of yourself for wanting to help your brother. I wish I'd had a brother like you when I was 26.

If I was your brother, and I understand his situation perfectly, I would not want to be pushed into talking about it in any more depth. I would be very relieved that you knew and accepted it.

My advice to you is to just tell him that if he wants to talk about it then you will be there for him, and I would leave it at that. If he is in denial then that is something for him to work out in his own time.
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#10
Hereformybro Wrote:First of all I am a straight man trying to help my brother who is secretly gay. So my bro is 26 years old and people have asked my entire life is he gay? I always laughed and said no. He pretty much is the opposite of the stereotypical gay He is dirty poor hygiene no interest in art or clothes etc. My household is myself my bro and my best friend we have created a hostile environment towards gays over the years making many jokes about the gay lifestyle so hes living this secret and probably thinks we will disown him and kick him out of the house. This would have been true while i was younger but now i have expanded my horizons and its no big deal that hes gay. Sure i was in shock for a day or 2 but im completely 100% fine with it. The big thing is he works very hard at work and just comes home and sleeps till he works the next day he spends days off in bed doing nothing just sleeping the days away sometimes 18 hrs of sleep a day. He says hes tired from work and stressed out and depressed. Now that i found proof he is gay things make alot of sense now. I dont think work is bothering him i think its the secret that he is living with every day and how he can never be his true self and has a shield up around me all the time. I talked it over with my roommate and hes on the same page as me as far as accepting it and making his life easier. Im hoping to confront him in a very supportive manor and tell him i love him and care about him and want him to be happy and not depressed and that i know his secret and that hes different and that its ok, that im ok with it and that i want him to be his real self and enjoy his life the way he wants to. I have heard that young men with no support system around them or with families that wont accept them can lead to high suicide rates in young men. I dont want him to hurt himself and if its up to him i believe he will never really come out to me and my family and hide this secret forever and continue to suffer from depression. So my plan is to confront him today and talk about it and try to get him to release the secret and remove the burden on his mind. Any tips on how i should handle this situation or some good things i can say to him to make him feel better about it. Im sure you guys have horror stories to fairy tale ending and everything in between about your coming out stories and I just want to do this the right way and help my brother. I dont think he has ever told anyone.

How do you have proof is gay?
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