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A message from Her Majesty, The Queen of the United Kingdom
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

God Save the Queen!

We are truly inspired by the model of our predecessor, Wales, in the process of subjugation. From what we Yanks can parse out, you are basically the akin to our state of Kentucky, except it covers a geographic area of 40,409 sq miles (104,659 km²) whereas Wales is 8,016 sq miles (20,761 km²).

A few other distinctions and similarities exist:

Both of you are known for your regional signing styles.

Both of you speak a version of your language not easily understood by your fellow nationals.

Both of you were repeatedly conquered in past military campaigns, eventually completely thrashed by invaders. In your case, the most notable defeats happened in the first century AD by the Romans, but they lost interest after only four centuries of occupation. Then the Anglo-Saxons moved in and stayed. Your "nation" named kings who "ruled" (between endless infighting and division that would make the Scots looks stable by contrast) an area so small that 20 separate counties in the U.S. are larger in area. Finally, by the 13th century, your English neighbors asserted sovereignty over your vast region and riches. Henry VIII, arguably a favorite son of Welsh blood, saw fit a few centuries later to cement the end of any Welsh independence in government.

Kentucky, like Wales, was inhabited by an ancient people. Wales original inhabitants became interbred with Celts, Romans, Angles, Saxons, Brits, English and are difficult now to identify as an ancient people racially. Kentuckians were dominated by the Cherokee, the Shawnee, the Iroquois, and others before the Europeans got a crack at running off the prior invaders. The original tribe whipped by the Cherokee/Shawnee/Iroquois is not even known now. Then, like Wales, Kentucky was defeated in domestic war, in their case, the American Civil War, and like Wales, were on the losing side.

Like Wales, poverty was the rule, not the exception, and coal mining was considered the "leading" industry. Both Wales and Kentucky saw dismal living conditions and bitter toil. Both cultures evolved solace in beautiful and soulful music unique to their lands.

Like Wales, Kentucky is now known the world over by the name its conquerors gave it, Wales being an English name for "foreigner" and Kentucky being attributed to the Iroquois meaning "Land of Tomorrow" (think "colony".)

Of course, Kentucky hosts over four million souls whereas Wales has less than three million citizens, but close enough. As the US has multiple ethnicities with populations that exceed Wales' total population. Ironically, the US has about as many Native Americans left as there are Welsh inhabitants today, about 2.9 million, but in a country of over 300 million. Yeah, that might be something of a factor in the struggles and balancing act in figuring out how to incorporate much more diversity than Wales or the UK has ever welcomed.

So, as far as we can see, your beef is really not with the U.S., but with your long-lost twin, Kentucky. We're going to sit this one out and watch you two squabble. We think the hillbillies can lick you guys, but we're open to waiting to see the actual outcome, although admittedly, no first lady of the US can hold a candle to your conquerors' queen -- Elizabeth rocks, dude.


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