20th Anniversary

[Bowyn Aerrow]

30 December 2014 marks the 20th anniversary of my death.

Friday, 30 December 1994 I took a lot of pills, and drank a lot of alcohol and proceeded to put a plastic bag over my head with duct tape. To double down on my gamble to opt out.

The only mistake I made was to call my mother to inform her, as per a previous promise made years early, that I was shuffling off this mortal coil. Mother is dead now and I never made the promise to ‘warn’ anyone else the next time I commit suicide. So this is a mistake I will only make once.

EMT had to resuscitate on way to hospital, ER had to do a repeat of that once I got there. They managed to counter the shit-load of mixed drugs and keep the heart beating. I woke up in ICU a day or so later, and I was informed I gave the staff a scare (sorry about that) and that I had spent several minutes being a real live, pardon, dead - corpse.

I didn’t get a funeral until nearly a year after my death, thanks to some Goth and Vampire friends who understood that I needed to lay in a box and have last rites and a few nice words said over my corpse. There is nothing like a funeral to help a person get over their own death and get back to the illusion of living. My own funeral gave me a bit of healing, and allowed me to once again walk the hours of daylight, instead of slinking in the hours of darkness.

In that year I shunned the daylight, sleeping days and “living” at night. I walked the dark path and spent a lot of time in Colma, CA amongst the dead. Gothic, ghostly, undead… Not really alive, but not quite dead enough to lay down quietly. What a mess.

I have my little casket, a symbol of that hallmark of my life… or death…. and in the years since my untimely death, I have stained it and finished it and used it to store all manner of things. A gentle reminder that life is a fragile, ephemeral thing.

In those 20 years after my demise I have met a lot of people, done things, had a bit of joy and a lot of heartache. Life, kinda, of a sorts, went on. Yet time and time again in the back of my mind I realized and understood that I’m dead. A corpse unable to wholly and completely enjoy and partake in life. A sort of ghostly figure stuck in this mortal plane, forced to act on the stage of the whole world, a mere player strutting and fretting this hour upon the stage.

Needless to say 2014 is a hallmark year to me, and throughout the whole of this year it has weighed heavily on my mind that it has been (nearly) 20 years since my self-murder.

30 December 2014 marks the 20th anniversary of my death. Thing is I don’t know how to celebrate this anniversary. To me is a really big deal. No doubt to everyone else its nothing. Perhaps so few people die and live to celebrate it makes it all uncomfortable to discuss or celebrate or something?

[jimcrackcorn]

Well,,,, I'm glad your still with us. You've helped many people on this forum, and I imagine you have helped many others during your walk thru this life.

I'll celebrate your surviving death,,, and congratulations on making it thru the last 20 years!!!!

Wishing you the very best,

Jim

[Bhp91126]

Don't get any dumb ideas and do re-enactments for the anniversary or try attempt 2.0, please. I'm sure you've realized by now that suicide is a permanent solution for what in reality are temporary problems.

But going so far also should do something else for you: it should set you free. If you accept suicide as the absolut worst thing you can do to yourself, then everything else is peanuts. Quitting a job you hate, break with a terrible relationship, telling your family to suck it is small fries compared to that. You're now free to do whatever you want, it will never be this bad again. You owe nothing to anyone anymore, your only responsibility is to make yourself better.

And if today you can't complete that, tomorrow is another day.

[ChadCoxRox]

Happy Anniversary. Glad you failed.

[Wade]

I'm really happy that you suck at killing yourself. Can't wait til next year when you're finally old enough to hit the bars... again.

[bluerealm]

to tell you the truth, the only reason why i'm still alive is that jesus gave me the holy spirit.

other wise after being humiliated by this community i live in. i would have offed myself long time ago.

the power of the holy spirit takes all my pain away.

its a pill from God.

if you think i'm nuts its cool. but it keeps me going. what ever works right?

these people studied me so that they could learn what to look for in finding out whos gay. so when i thought i was helping the gays out i was really wrong.

they said they got all they needed from me and that i could die now.

people started disappearing because of me and my rants.

i have no advice for you.

[araya]

glad you make it this far, life it's not about how many times you fall
it's always about how you stand up after falling even if you get broken bones or crushed limbs
please make it 30, 40, 50, or even 60 and please be happy, live your life to the fullest while waiting for the nex anniv

[East]

David....I am very glad you are here to celebrate the 20th anniversary....

and I am also glad you have the guts and humility to share your story here. I hope it can help someone who is struggling see things in a different light....

[meridannight]

this is kind of morbid. but the Goth/vampire funeral thing actually sounds fun, for some reason.

[Rareboy]

Well, Glad you're still here for this year's New Year's Eve Bash.

It could have gone pear shaped.