Surprised at Relatives

[abcd1234]

You know BHP ,at first I felt defensive after reading your post but then after I read it I laughed and thought that you are right.I should speak my mind more often. The only thing I wouldn't do is ask to be invited.I don't want to show i'm that dependant on their invitation.I wouldn't give them the satisfaction.I was very independent by going for dinner at the church.It's the principle of the thing.If they don't invite me of their own free will then I'm not gonna ask to be invited.

[Hardheaded1]

There was only me and even a few of my other aunts couldn't understand why they didn't invite me.

Um, nope. They aren't coming clean with you. They know. They aren't telling. Invited out or not, any one of these aunts could have invited you to Christmas Eve dinner, or Christmas morning for breakfast, or for Christmas lunch or dinner (whichever they weren't invited out to themselves.)

For some reason, you have given the aunts an alibi, and they are guiltless WHILE your unforgiven party remains condemned. In addition, you had the balls to be honest with those aunts, but not your object of scorn. What gives? And what kind of aunts hear you tell of your loneliness without stepping in with their own offers or interfering with your other aunt on your behalf? Who?

There's no reason for it and no excuse for it. It doesn't matter how old I am, family should not leave you out if you're alone, especially this year as I'm grieving.

Wrong. Your age is absolutely relevant. You're not just old enough to have grown a pair, you're old enough to have grown a pair nigh 30 years ago. Everyone is entitled to loneliness, sorrow, and a sense of abandonment at times, but the difference between a kid and an adult is that maturation informs you that YOU must be the master of your own destiny, including happiness. You should be long past the age of learning to speak honestly with family about your feelings.

And No,they didn't think I wanted to be alone. I'm very surprised at them.

Then you have come back full circle. There should be more to the story than you telling them and them ignoring you. The reader here is left with either your relatives are dumb and insensitive, or lying and cruel, or that you have left out some details that explain why you were slighted. Human behavior is rarely inexplicable, but one-sided accounts often are lacking in crucial detail.

[dynamodean]

You know BHP ,at first I felt defensive after reading your post but then after I read it I laughed and thought that you are right.I should speak my mind more often. The only thing I wouldn't do is ask to be invited.I don't want to show i'm that dependant on their invitation.I wouldn't give them the satisfaction.I was very independent by going for dinner at the church.It's the principle of the thing.If they don't invite me of their own free will then I'm not gonna ask to be invited.

But you kinda are dependent on their invitation, no? You mentioned feeling lonely and wanting to be invited and the fact that you weren't invited doesn't sit well with you. I'd say let go of your pride and just ask to be invited next time, if you don't want to be alone. Your relatives may be cruel and insensitive but your happiness and loneliness are in your own hands.

[abcd1234]

You all make very valid points.I just don't understand not being invited because in the past if my cousin knew anyone of us were alone she would have included us. I can't figure it out. Maybe she thought I was gonna be with my friend all day instead of just at night for coffee.Even though I told her sister that I would be alone for the dinner she probably figured it was too late in the game to tell her sister.I know for a fact that the 2 sisters argue a lot.They're like oil and water.Maybe she didn't tell the sister because after the sister planned the menu she didn't want to tell the sister that there might be another guest and she might have to set another place and make sure there was enough food.Like I said she's afraid to talk to her sister because her sister might jump down her throat.If my cousin told her sister that I was gonna be with my friend all day and being wrong she had to change the story her sister might give her hell for not getting the info right in the first place.I'm probably grasping at straws here.

[Hardheaded1]

There is a chance your cousin may have felt used over time. You haven't once referred to how the Christmas meal was shared and who did all the work.

It's 2014. There are less and less times when a grown man just shows up empty handed and is entertained because he chose not to host something himself. If you don't cook, then you are able to buy and serve.

Have no idea what kind of generous person or not you are, but from this thread, it sounds like you view yourself as incapable. One surefire way to warm up a welcome is to offer to bring something, like a ham or a cheesecake.

Another note, you weren't alone on Christmas. You made it plain that you had your bf over for coffee, and that it was known, so that may have been read as your plans. I'm not sure how many of us would have labelled ourselves as alone if we had plans to join anyone socially on a certain day. The fact that you seem to have needed more company than you planned for seems significant.

In my experience, if I had taken loved ones something for Christmas, I'd have had a hard time getting away from being invited to join at least one of them. You make it sound like you live near your aunts and cousins, yet you don't describe exchanging gifts or food or anything. It seems a little inconsistent to want them to treat you like nearer family when there isn't apparently that sort of intimacy as typified by gift exchanges with close ones.

Something's incomplete here.

[Rareboy]

I honestly believe that you are over thinking this.

Set out to host an event at your place next year for those in your family who have nohwere to go. Make it pot luck, but you supply the Turkey and Christmas pudding.

There's no reason to wallow in loneliness.

[LJay]

You are 57 and have never spent Christmas alone?

[ck86]

I honestly believe that you are over thinking this.

Set out to host an event at your place next year for those in your family who have nohwere to go. Make it pot luck, but you supply the Turkey and Christmas pudding.

There's no reason to wallow in loneliness.

That's an excellent suggestion. I love hosting and having friends and family around. My man goes keeps everyone's drinks topped up. It's a good team...then I get messages the next day saying that they didn't realised they drank so much!

[abcd1234]

Hardheaded,that's not true.I never show up emptyhanded.I always bring food or gifts if I'm invited somewhere. That's a fact in an Italian family.

[ShiftyNJ]

I was going to say "You're Italian in New Jersey, the danger of 'not enough food' is not a remote possibility. "

My friend's wife reports she always wakes up in a cold sweat the night before a party, worried there won't be enough food. We kid about word getting back to our ancestral villages, leading to our being disowned or excommunicated. She has literally gone to the store in the middle of the night and supplemented the menu, and her mother (when she was well enough to do so) would show up with enough food of her own to suggest she was responsible for the whole meal. I've known them almost 20 years. There has NEVER been not enough food.