Judgements

[East]

Uh...well....I am much worse than I thought I was yesterday...I hope it is done...but I know better....it can always get worse before it gets better. I opened this can of worms as I am in the middle of something kinda heavy and I am trying to get past it and being honest with myself is part of the equation. (I am trying to forgive myself for alot of stuff)

Anyway...I am alot more judgemental than I ever realized and so first I have to 86 the whole "I'm not judgmental" thing because it is a load of crap.... I am kind of (appropriately) embarrassed now....

It kind of ties into the survivor guilt thing I have had for years that I assumed I would just have to live with because pretty much once upon a time everyone around me died in my 20s and 30s...and I felt very guilty and responsible as I did everything they did but I lived....and so instead of being who I was...I started lying to myself about alot of things....

Thing is...I felt guilty thinking or saying anything bad or judgemental about some of my friends that died so I started getting defensive and argumentative with anyone who said ANYTHING even slightly unflattering about anyone who had AIDS or who had died....and I am even worse today.

See....back then...I pretty much knew everything going on because people told me stuff...and I knew who had AIDS and HIV before they even had a name for it.....and I would see them picking up guys and going home with them and I was freaking out alot and I really had to fight with my conscience..sometimes all night it would consume me...how can I respect their privacy and is it my duty to warn their dates?...or should I lecture them on this unpleasant subject that most people didn't want to talk about at first?

So.....it tortured me alot and I decided to start trying to warn people...and that was a HUGE MISTAKE!!!!! I got told off more than once...more than ten times. No one thanked me...everything from mind my own business to being scolded for assuming the sick guy hadn't told the other one....and I had to swallow it and I finally had to agree that what consenting adults did was none of my business...BUT I DIDN'T LIKE IT! I started to beat myself up alot...remember...I had to watch this five days a week unfold from the beginning...live and in person....front row seat....up close and very personal....

I also had to consider my job...and slander...and what my place was. ...and then...I did something that is in the top ten of my worst regrets and the thing I want to forgive myself for though now I realize it is a much bigger thing and more complicated than I realized...UGH....

The thing I did that I STILL feel bad about...a good friend of mine calls me up one day and he is very upset and asks me why I had mentioned to another friend that I wasn't surprised he got AIDS seeing what he had been doing. DAMN...I felt so dirty and ugly when he confronted me...and I was....I did say it and I wasn't going to lie to him. He was crying and very upset and I kept saying how sorry I was...I wish I could take that back.....

I can't...he died. I did a fundraising thing in his memory and donated it to the AIDS food bank but still...it is something I regret...and who was I to say anything to anyone considering how many men I had been with...or even if I hadn't?

So...as I was trying to forgive myself...it doesn't work unless I am honest. If I'm not honest...I fail. I realized I judged so many of them at the time and so I shout about not being judgemental so I don't have to look at myself I think...EEK...it is getting uglier...

I think at least part of the issue I have with other people being judgemental is that I am projecting my own shit on to them and beating them up instead of me...where it belongs.

I really don't want to be judgemental but it's gotta be real and if I don't own my actual feelings it won't matter what I want..I will be stuck where I am...that isn't acceptable...so I am alot uglier than I thought I was....yeah...I judge myself even more than I judge anyone else....I have to forgive myself for that too LOL

Wish me luck.,...I know I will get past it but this is always the hard part...it is so damn messy....

Sorry...I am rambling now...I am also a little sick thinking about what else I will uncover...

[Bhp91126]

Hi East, maybe looking at it from here might help you to forgive yourself. All good things and all regrettable things you did in your life made you the person you are today. And I like that person a great deal, what little I know of you.:biggrin:

The guilt and regret over that mistake have plagued you for 25+ years, it's time to put it to rest. You admitted your mistake, you apologized and you made amends as well as you could. I also assume that you never talked about a friend behind his back again? If that is the case then you've done what you could, learned your lesson and can now release the guilt and shame.

About being judgemental. We all are. Our monkey ancestors had to judge situations to find out whether they are life-threatening or not. Monkeys that misjudged are not part of the gene-pool any longer. Every day we judge the world around us and decide what's acceptable and what isn't. As long as what you do from the judgement is done out of love for the other person, to benefit him, you should be safe from your own conscience.

[meridannight]

Wish me luck.,...

i will wish you a hug, 'cause i think that's what you could use.

i don't know enough to have any significant insight on this subject, and i never understood survivor's guilt. but i hope you get better.

[Camfer]

Learning from our mistakes, making amends when we can, that's about the best we can do.

[oreosplz93]

As for Gavin, if he is doing a swell job at what he does, it doesn't really matter to you what he does in his private life. Your friend is a big jerk basket. But ohwell. He can kill you so be careful lol just kidding. Did his wife find out?

[dynamodean]

There is absolutely nothing wrong in being judgmental, East. To show emotions and to have bias is part of human nature. We all have our own moral code that we live by and that is shaped by our personality, beliefs, environment, and a plethora of other variables. It is totally OKAY. Don't feel bad for being opinionated...you have blood running through your veins!

[ceez]

There is absolutely nothing wrong in being judgmental, East. To show emotions and to have bias is part of human nature. We all have our own moral code that we live by and that is shaped by our personality, beliefs, environment, and a plethora of other variables. It is totally OKAY. Don't feel bad for being opinionated...you have blood running through your veins!

yes, this! I suck at putting words together but this is what I wanted to say. :biggrin:

actually East, the story about trying to warn people about the others with Aids/HIV reminds me of a story I read about in the news about a guy who was HIV+ and was having unprotected sex with many people without telling them about it, I think the number got up to 30 :eek: I tried to find the story but apparently this is happening a lot more because I found more reports of others doing this. the good thing is they have been caught and face jail time.

I used to try not to be judgmental until I realized how many shitty people it is in this world. like my old workmate, he would boast about how many women he slept with even though he is with his long term girlfriend (who he has two kids with), then he confessed that they were all from an escort service and he tries to justify it by quoting bible scriptures even though he says he's not Christian. then he got caught and was almost in tears all day at work, but the screwed up part is that is gf forgave him and he went right back to cheating. the funny thing is he mention a girl he was crazy about, turns out I knew the girl and she is known for using people, she kept leading him on like she wanted him to take advantage of him. but of course I never told him that

now if I can get him to stop asking me to hangout with him, he asks me literally almost every single weekend for a year now and I have to tell him no without calling him a repulsive immature asshole. he's confessed about more shady stuff than I care to mention but the scary thing is there are more people like him at work.:confused: so don't feel bad about judging others, we all do it to some degree.