Sagittarius
Recently we asked Londonist readers the funniest (or weirdest) things they’d heard a London tube driver say. They responded in their droves. Here’s a compilation of the favourite answers.
Helpful tube drivers
“Depart here for Winter Wonderland, or as I like to call it, how to spend a lot of money very quickly.”
“Just want to remind you that the Jubilee line is partially closed between Waterloo and… somewhere else. I don’t remember. Sorry
Victoria line southbound, in a thick Jamaican accent: “Dis train, eet go ta Breeex-ton!”
-
Nonchalant tube drivers
“Sorry for the delay, we are just waiting to clear a drunk dancing topless man from the tunnel.”
“There’s a man in the tunnel ahead and he might want to die but I’m not going to run him over so we’re not going anywhere.”
“Would the guy with the piano accordion please put your trousers back on.”
“Please let passengers off the train before boarding. It’s not the storming of the Bastille you know.”
Apologetic tube drivers
“Apologies for the delay but we have lost the driver.”
“My apologies for the delay to the service. We forgot to stop at Kentish Town and must now reverse.” [And he did] “We have to go back because I forgot something…”
-
“We are currently experiencing delays on the Northern line due to a handbag on the line at Bank.”
“Sorry for the delay, it’s not my fault. I love you all really.”
“On behalf of the passenger with the folding bike, I would like to apologise for hitting you all.”
Exasperated tube drivers
“Ladies and gentleman, upon departing the train, may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a bin on wheels.”
“Whoever is playing that terrible music could you turn it off.”
“Would the gentleman in the rear carriage carrying the bike across his shoulders either get off at the next station, or come to the front of the train, as I’d like to have a quiet word. That’s the gentleman with the bike.”
“Hurry up and let the doors close. I want my dinner.”
After being stuck behind a broken down train for 45 mins, we finally moved. The driver said: “Ladies and gentlemen, if you look to the left shortly you will see the offending train. So if I could ask you all to stick two fingers up at it as we pass, we can be on our way.”
Family-friendly tube drivers
“Please do not obstruct the closing doors. Specifically, please do not use your children as a wedge to hold the doors open.”
“Please keep your kids with you at all times. Even the annoying ones.”
“Don’t forget to take your children and livestock with you.”
Droll tube drivers
Stuck still for 30 mins. Train creeps forward then abruptly stops. Driver: “Only joking.”
“Turn em red, turn em yellow, turn em any colour you want. But this is Turnham Green.”
“Welcome to St Paul’s, where you pay £12 for an audience with God.” Must be a while back, God now charges £17.
"The doors...those big red things....board while they're open, not when they're closing!"
“I can assure the passenger in the second carrage that it is not raining in the train, please put your umbrella down"
On the (old) East London Line: This train has six carriages. When you all board the first one, it causes the floor to bend and the doors will not close.
A classic from Credit Crunch times ...."Will the person with their bag stuck in the door, or the banker with their wallet, please remove it, or this train won't be going anywhere
Early in the Central line one Sat morning into town...
I'd like to welcome to the Central Line, we're travelling at a heights of -100 ft & speed of 40mph.
I'd like to highlight the sights on this journey. If u look out of the left windows you'll see grey tunnel , & if you'll look out of the right windows you'll see grey tunnel.
We'll shortly be landing at Bank . Hope you had a pleasant journey & u travel with us again soon.
'This is the third time I've had to re-open the doors because someone's blocking them. If it happens again I'll take this train out of service.'
Could the young couple in the second carriage please get a room!
You are here to wait for the train. The train is not here to wait for you.
Northern line - "please do not hold the doors open for your mates, this is a train not a taxi"
Waiting to leave Stratford a group were running down the stairs and the driver announced:"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, we are ready to depart, we're just going to wait for these people to rush along the platform so I can close the doors before they get here..." (he didn't) When they were on: "AS I WAS SAYING Good evening ladies and gentlemen, we are ready to depart, 20 seconds late thanks to the people in carriage two who can't run fast enough!"
On the North West line "As we pull into Liverpool Central, please show your tickets to the fat controller who will be there to greet you at the top of the escalator. Failure to do so will result in witches cursing you.
A diversion is currently in place at this station, so please follow the signs on the platform. I took the liberty of checking them myself, so I know they're there, and if you can't see them... well, you should have gone to Specsavers!
On the platform loudspeaker, not from a driver. It was in November 1990. "I have to tell you all that Mrs Thatcher has just announced she is stepping down as Prime Minister. When jumping for joy, please be careful you do not fall on the track."
Ladies and gentlemen, we have to wait here for a moment as there is a red light ahead of us and my boss doesn't like it when I go through them.
"Please stand behind the yellow line, we want you inside the train, not under it."
"Ladies and gentlemen, you may have noticed we've stopped. I don't know why. They haven't told me."
Station announcer on the Thameslink. "Here comes the 19.00 to Luton, ten minutes late, tail between its legs."
If you're leaving at the next station please mind the gap between the timetable and reality'.
Reassuring tube drivers
“This is your driver speaking. We are aware that all the lights have gone out on the train but there is absolutely nothing to be worried about… or is there?”
“There’s a dog on the line ahead. They’ve sent a manager to rescue it. That’s not going to help. [10 minutes later] The dog is now at Plaistow. So it’s making better time than us.”
“This train is early and is now being delayed so that it is late. I don’t understand this either.”
“Stand clear of the doors. If you get trapped and hurt, your insurance company won’t pay out.”
Warning tube drivers
A Northern line driver at morning peak time: “As you’re getting on the train, please let me point out that some of you stand too close to the edge of the platform. A 28-tonne train versus your body — I know which of the two my money would be on.”
“Wake up! You’ll end up in Stanmore and there’s nothing there!”
[At Heathrow] “Ladies & Gentlemen, welcome back to life in the fast lane… and we’re off!”
“Have you all got tickets? Don’t make me come down there!”
“Mind your fingers, mind your toes, watch the doors, they’re gonna close.”
Helpful tube drivers
“Depart here for Winter Wonderland, or as I like to call it, how to spend a lot of money very quickly.”
“Just want to remind you that the Jubilee line is partially closed between Waterloo and… somewhere else. I don’t remember. Sorry
Victoria line southbound, in a thick Jamaican accent: “Dis train, eet go ta Breeex-ton!”
-
Nonchalant tube drivers
“Sorry for the delay, we are just waiting to clear a drunk dancing topless man from the tunnel.”
“There’s a man in the tunnel ahead and he might want to die but I’m not going to run him over so we’re not going anywhere.”
“Would the guy with the piano accordion please put your trousers back on.”
“Please let passengers off the train before boarding. It’s not the storming of the Bastille you know.”
Apologetic tube drivers
“Apologies for the delay but we have lost the driver.”
“My apologies for the delay to the service. We forgot to stop at Kentish Town and must now reverse.” [And he did] “We have to go back because I forgot something…”
-
“We are currently experiencing delays on the Northern line due to a handbag on the line at Bank.”
“Sorry for the delay, it’s not my fault. I love you all really.”
“On behalf of the passenger with the folding bike, I would like to apologise for hitting you all.”
Exasperated tube drivers
“Ladies and gentleman, upon departing the train, may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a bin on wheels.”
“Whoever is playing that terrible music could you turn it off.”
“Would the gentleman in the rear carriage carrying the bike across his shoulders either get off at the next station, or come to the front of the train, as I’d like to have a quiet word. That’s the gentleman with the bike.”
“Hurry up and let the doors close. I want my dinner.”
After being stuck behind a broken down train for 45 mins, we finally moved. The driver said: “Ladies and gentlemen, if you look to the left shortly you will see the offending train. So if I could ask you all to stick two fingers up at it as we pass, we can be on our way.”
Family-friendly tube drivers
“Please do not obstruct the closing doors. Specifically, please do not use your children as a wedge to hold the doors open.”
“Please keep your kids with you at all times. Even the annoying ones.”
“Don’t forget to take your children and livestock with you.”
Droll tube drivers
Stuck still for 30 mins. Train creeps forward then abruptly stops. Driver: “Only joking.”
“Turn em red, turn em yellow, turn em any colour you want. But this is Turnham Green.”
“Welcome to St Paul’s, where you pay £12 for an audience with God.” Must be a while back, God now charges £17.
"The doors...those big red things....board while they're open, not when they're closing!"
“I can assure the passenger in the second carrage that it is not raining in the train, please put your umbrella down"
On the (old) East London Line: This train has six carriages. When you all board the first one, it causes the floor to bend and the doors will not close.
A classic from Credit Crunch times ...."Will the person with their bag stuck in the door, or the banker with their wallet, please remove it, or this train won't be going anywhere
Early in the Central line one Sat morning into town...
I'd like to welcome to the Central Line, we're travelling at a heights of -100 ft & speed of 40mph.
I'd like to highlight the sights on this journey. If u look out of the left windows you'll see grey tunnel , & if you'll look out of the right windows you'll see grey tunnel.
We'll shortly be landing at Bank . Hope you had a pleasant journey & u travel with us again soon.
'This is the third time I've had to re-open the doors because someone's blocking them. If it happens again I'll take this train out of service.'
Could the young couple in the second carriage please get a room!
You are here to wait for the train. The train is not here to wait for you.
Northern line - "please do not hold the doors open for your mates, this is a train not a taxi"
Waiting to leave Stratford a group were running down the stairs and the driver announced:"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, we are ready to depart, we're just going to wait for these people to rush along the platform so I can close the doors before they get here..." (he didn't) When they were on: "AS I WAS SAYING Good evening ladies and gentlemen, we are ready to depart, 20 seconds late thanks to the people in carriage two who can't run fast enough!"
On the North West line "As we pull into Liverpool Central, please show your tickets to the fat controller who will be there to greet you at the top of the escalator. Failure to do so will result in witches cursing you.
A diversion is currently in place at this station, so please follow the signs on the platform. I took the liberty of checking them myself, so I know they're there, and if you can't see them... well, you should have gone to Specsavers!
On the platform loudspeaker, not from a driver. It was in November 1990. "I have to tell you all that Mrs Thatcher has just announced she is stepping down as Prime Minister. When jumping for joy, please be careful you do not fall on the track."
Ladies and gentlemen, we have to wait here for a moment as there is a red light ahead of us and my boss doesn't like it when I go through them.
"Please stand behind the yellow line, we want you inside the train, not under it."
"Ladies and gentlemen, you may have noticed we've stopped. I don't know why. They haven't told me."
Station announcer on the Thameslink. "Here comes the 19.00 to Luton, ten minutes late, tail between its legs."
If you're leaving at the next station please mind the gap between the timetable and reality'.
Reassuring tube drivers
“This is your driver speaking. We are aware that all the lights have gone out on the train but there is absolutely nothing to be worried about… or is there?”
“There’s a dog on the line ahead. They’ve sent a manager to rescue it. That’s not going to help. [10 minutes later] The dog is now at Plaistow. So it’s making better time than us.”
“This train is early and is now being delayed so that it is late. I don’t understand this either.”
“Stand clear of the doors. If you get trapped and hurt, your insurance company won’t pay out.”
Warning tube drivers
A Northern line driver at morning peak time: “As you’re getting on the train, please let me point out that some of you stand too close to the edge of the platform. A 28-tonne train versus your body — I know which of the two my money would be on.”
“Wake up! You’ll end up in Stanmore and there’s nothing there!”
[At Heathrow] “Ladies & Gentlemen, welcome back to life in the fast lane… and we’re off!”
“Have you all got tickets? Don’t make me come down there!”
“Mind your fingers, mind your toes, watch the doors, they’re gonna close.”
"You can be young without money but you can't be old without money"
Maggie the Cat from "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof." by Tennessee Williams
Maggie the Cat from "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof." by Tennessee Williams
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
