Looking for an answer from my ex

[bendreamer]

Hi here is the thing...it was an interesting and unexpected relationship i'm 27 he's 49. It was real love, no sugardaddy stuff or anything like that (we're both broke lol), so he suddenly changed and it started to feel like I was the only person in the relationship so I broke up with him because the situation was killing me. :| I've tried too many times to find an answer about what actually happened... the last time he swore it wasn't because of another guy or something like that and I trust him.

When we are together( even after the breakup) it feels just so good like we so belong together, but when we say goodbye to eachother it feels like we are thousands of miles away ( and we live in the same city)

The last months it was me who's been trying to reconnect and checking if he's ok because he used to get sort of depressive and I worry about him. I know we're not together and he's free but it just hurts my feelings when I see him online on Grindr and he knows I wasn't feeling really good the last weeks but he just doesn't text me or call me as he used to.

My friends tell me that I should take his actions as THE answer I need. But even when I don't have real hopes to get back together...
Can anyone tell me how to ask him about what happened, in a way he actually answers with the true... He's very good with words and avoids confrontation and I'm not so please How can I ask for real truth to a person like him?

I just need the truth

Thanks

[East]

Maybe he isn't really in touch with himself and doesn't know the answer?......

There are a lot of people like that.

He can only be as honest with someone else as he is with himself.

I know a lot of men like that..I was once attracted to them. I always wanted to rescue them. It never really worked out the way I envisioned. Trying to get guys like that to communicate is very difficult...sometimes impossible.

I think the answer is within you...not him. You broke it off...yes? You say you felt like you were the only person in the relationship. It sounds to me that he is the same person he was when you broke it off...so why are you expecting him to be different now?

[MikeW]

Hi here is the thing...it was an interesting and unexpected relationship i'm 27 he's 49. It was real love… [but] he suddenly changed and it started to feel like I was the only person in the relationship so I broke up with him because the situation was killing me. :| I've tried too many times to find an answer about what actually happened... .

...Can anyone tell me how to ask him about what happened, in a way he actually answers with the true... He's very good with words and avoids confrontation and I'm not so please How can I ask for real truth to a person like him?

I just need the truth

You say the relationship was sudden and unexpected but you don't say how long you were together. You say something changed but you don't say exactly WHAT changed. Apparently he did not love you as much as you thought. If you've asked him for an explanation and he hasn't given you one, what more can you do?

What I get from your little story is this is not about you. HE changed. This doesn't mean you did anything wrong. Try to understand that. This may not be about anything you did or did not do. Most likely you could not have done anything differently that would have kept you together. You probably can't do anything now that will get you back together.

If anything, I think you should be angry at the son of a bitch rather than trying to figure out some way to win him back.

[Borg69]

People often times aren't at the same level of love/attraction. It very well could be that he's just not as into you as you are him. He could be one of those self centered guys whom can never fully commit to someone, and is constantly looking over the next rise for that mythological guy whom is "perfect" and going to 'fix' his life ... but never seems to show up no matter how many guys he goes through.

As others have said, while not exactly spelled out, I think he's given you his answer. He has no intention of being there for you or putting forth any effort to maintain any kind of connections at this time. YOU did everything you could, and there's really nothing else you can do.

[BrianNorth]

It sounds like you haven't grieved. Relationships die just like people do and it takes time to grieve and move on. You're still looking for why it ended rather then acknowledging it's done. There is a reason most people don't talk to their exes. It puts you smack back in the middle of the relationship time and time again. If you ever want a friendship with him you'd need to take a lot of time away for yourself and then approach the idea down the line.

Often times a bit of distance will make you not want to talk to them again. After a major relationship of mine ended I spent a year being his oncall therapist and eventually I just cut ties for my sake. It's been years since we've spoke and 0 intention of ever speaking again.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Sometimes the only way some people can 'move on' is to cut the ties and avoid providing any answers as to why it didn't work.

My advice would be for you to move on also, otherwise you will end up fixated on the why part which will interfere with your next relationship.

[bendreamer]

Thank you all for your comments and ideas. It helped me a lot at that moment and I’m sure it will make me feel more relieved on the next days or even weeks.

I decided to make a final effort to get an answer out of his mouth so I went to a place where he usually buys ice cream until I found him and he agreed to talk. As some of you said it was him who changed while we were together and he is kind of the same person he was when i broke it off.
But at least he's been more honest this time with his words and we realized we envision relationships in a very different way.
The feelings and attraction are still alive although he’s got a lot of unresolved issues on his mind to be able to commit, so a healthy and friendly distance is the best now.

I feel better without those doubts on my head, but it’s a bit sad at the same time that he or we couldn’t find the way to overcome the issues of this messed up world to keep the relationship.

Well, feeling bit nostalgic although relieved and trying to be more optimistic about the things to come.

Thank you for reading my post

Ben

[Borg69]

I'm glad you got some closure.