The Miserable, The lonely and Depressed...Pathetic

[InThought]

So if you have read the title of this piece you will know something of what this will entail.
I am a new writer to this site and this may be the only piece I ever write for it as I will be honest, I change like the wind. I'd love to say I am one of those famous bloggers and that I have tonnes of adoring fans who have all fallen in love with my down to earth approach and pathetic dreams of ever really falling in love but I'm not and to be frank I don't have the time or patience to write all the time but that doesn't mean I can't start somewhere and who knows maybe my words will touch someone, maybe others will relate to me and maybe I will grow to love doing this.
So I will start with a little about me, my name is Ryan, I'm 28 and from the United Kingdom in a small city called Norwich which I think to tourists would be a wonderful city to visit but for someone born and bred here it's very suffocating, especially when you are gay.
The other night I was trying to sleep but for me I just haven't been able to do that recently as thoughts haven't been playing on my mind so I did something I thought might help relax me.
I asked myself what am I happy for, what are the good parts to my life, what have been the good parts.
And so I can say I have had a lot of things happen in my life, my cousin died young from a brain tumor, I was about 12 and I guess it had an effect on me, I experienced the loss of a loved one quite young.
14 was the age I came to terms with myself, I knew I was gay but it still wasn't easy coming to terms with it and I tried to fight a lot of those thoughts at first. I was at a Catholic High School and when I got the confidence I came out and to be truthful it was bad but not so bad but what I do remember still is the first feeling of being isolated and in a way rejected.
After that it was pretty much sailing through my teens, drinking, laughing and experience love and sex all for the first time. Then I hit my 20's and it starts going to shit my Mum and Dad separate but that really was a good thing in the long run. My Nan suffers a stroke, which I believe is one of the worst things to happen to a person especially when it's a critical one.
And then the worst one to hit is the death of my Mum, a few years back she was told she had Stage 4 Lung Cancer and you know everyday since the moment she died has put my life in to the most surreal place, grief is a daily occurrence, I understand when someone says 'I think about them everyday' it's true you do.
What I want to say from this is, I was lying in my bed and although I have been a witness to some really horrible things I still believe I've had a really fortunate, lucky and happy life.
I got to spend 9 months with my Mum through her illness, yes it wasn't easy but we laughed so much, we spent so much time together and really got to say everything we ever needed to. And growing up with my family was so happy so I really am aware at how lucky I am.
So why the title, well you know that saying the good things to myself helped me get to sleep but saying the things I really feel is a different matter.
For one of the many times in my life I have felt the wave come over me. When I was at University I had one of the biggest waves hit me, I had a feeling of utter despair and isolation, I had got myself in such a place that I wanted to leave this world behind.
I went to a doctors and that really took a lot of guts for me to do, admit I just didn't want to be here and I got no warmth or sympathy and felt that I was being judged by this Doctor, like he thought I was trying to scam him in to prescribing me anti depressants.
So I took these tablets and they made me so much worse, to the point where I kept returning to this bridge night after night urging myself to just jump off.
From that moment I realized only I could do it for myself, only I would get myself better and I told myself I will never let myself ever get that low again.
So here I am and like I said there has a wave come over me, it will never be as bad as the one I had at Uni, I can feel I'm stronger now but it's different. Like someone really heavy is just sitting on me and I haven't got the strength to do anything about it. I've just given up.
So here is the truth about me, I've always wanted to fall in love, more than anything. So much so that those few brief moments I've ever had with a guy that's got past the first date I've just basically offered my heart on a plate.
I've grown up seeing everyone fall in love and settle down, including my younger brothers, nobody has ever seen me attached to anyone and they don't even ask anymore if I'm seeing someone because it's so blatant I'm not.
I can't help but feel this utter sadness within that this will be it for me because seeing death upfront has put my own mortality in to perspective 28 may sound young but people are dying younger and younger now, people have heart attacks in their 30's.
My Mum in her last year was worried about dying alone, she wanted to be attached to someone but over that year all her friends and family gave her so much love that it didn't matter in the end and I know that is true but I can also see how she must of felt because in life I think for most we all want that soul mate we think we are twinned with.
My title is taken from the lyrics of the song 'Poor Unfortunate Souls', from Disney's The Little Mermaid.
The actual story written by Hans Christian Anderson is actually my favorite story because it's about sacrifice and unrequited love. I grew up wanting to be the Little Mermaid until I read the actual story and how sad it was.
So this is me, soul laid bare on a gay chat thread and I have no regrets for speaking the absolute truth, in fact it's what I find is lacking in the gay community where I am from, everyone is on guard and afraid to let their hair down.
Well, love to you all who have taken the time to read this, I hope you have a lovely evening/day.


Ryan x

[Cuddly]

Love and partnership is amazing, but that's not all life is.
What do you like to do? Hobbies? Do you enjoy your studies/job?

I'm asking because, being in a 30 year age gap relationship, I find myself inadequate and incomplete. I am still studying, so I have no job. I want a steady solid income, to pay my share and help build our lives.
But I'm not ready!
I wish I had gotten the time to get ready, before I fell in love. So maybe you're more lucky than me, your story just didn't quite begin yet?

[CellarDweller]

Love and partnership is amazing, but that's not all life is.
What do you like to do? Hobbies? Do you enjoy your studies/job?

Cuddly is so right.

You shouldn't identify yourself by whether or not you're in a relationship.

You need to focus on yourself, think about what makes "you" who you are. Broaden your social circles, volunteer, do charity work, join a softball or bowling league, the options are limitless.

[Cinestry]

I have always felt like being in a relationship would solve all my problems and that it'd mean some instant happiness or something, but I'm starting to realise that maybe I should be happy on my own first so whenever I do find love I won't be all clingy and dependent.
I'd say try and find happiness in things you have your own personal passion for first. I gotta say people approach me more often now I tend to have a smile on my face too haha

[Lexington]

The more you love yourself....
....the less vital "being in a relationship" will become.
....AND the more people will want to be in a relationship with you.

Ironic, but there it is.

Lex

[Rareboy]

Death of loved ones can have a profound impact on our lives. Until we experience it first hand, it is hard to know just how these losses will affect us.

I suspect that some of your despair may have origins in your unresolved grief and your own fear of more illness and death. I am going to suggest that you seek out a grief counsellor to see whether there is still some work to be done to heal these wounds.

I think that once you move beyond this and have more confidence in your own future...you will become the kind of person that can seek out friends and partners more comfortably.

[InThought]

Thanks for all your responses. You know in this piece I didn't include all the wonderful things I have done with my life, I spent a year teaching in China, I've lived in Germany and met some wonderful people, I've seen a lot of the world, I've got a degree in Musical Theatre and have been blessed with the fact that I can turn my hand to anything.
I am confident and go out clubbing on my own and get talking to lot's of guys, I don't have confidence issues, I'm part of a Choir and I'm quite a sociable person.
And I know the old saying 'It happens when you're not looking', I know all this stuff and I know I shouldn't base my happiness on the fulfillment of being with someone but it's easy to say that when you're happy and settled.
I just haven't experienced it and at my age I can't help feeling that I'm getting older and that chance of starting a family is just disappearing.
Rareboy you are totally right, I do have a fear of people I love around me dying, especially my Grandparents which is one of the reasons I'm not half way across the world because I want to spend my time with them while they're here.
But I've been to councilors before and really like with depression, grieving is one of those things you have to deal with yourself, people may not agree with that but you either make the choice to keep living and going forward or you wallow in the yester years and keep talking about then which I don't think helps.
Sometimes you have to let your memory fade a bit to carry on, to forget some of the really horrible moments, although they will pop up from time to time.
Lexington you are also right, I think winter is always hard, it's cold, it's dark and I tend to stock up on food which really effects me, I always put on weight in winter and then come spring I'm so motivated to get fit and feel good about myself.
Would love to live somewhere permanently hot and sunny in the future, as you will know England isn't really favored for it's good weather.
Anyway thanks you guys for responding.

[Wolfpack]

Hi Ryan welcome to the forum.

Ryan I think you a much stronger person than you give yourself credit for. Yes you have had some very sad things happen to you in your life but you also know yourself that your life has not been all bad, hang onto those thoughts and the strength you get from them.

You are only 28 so you are not 'old' in any sense of the word, as for finding a partner you know it will not just happen for you and I quess you also know that if You want something you have to got out and get it. So hard as it might be go and grab life and make happen the things that want so much, good luck.

[JackTX]

Welcome

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Two days I thanked your post to let you know it was read.

I have been contemplating what you are saying and have reached the conclusion that you need a therapist more than tablets or pills.

I will tell you right now that with all of this loss and 'stuff' behind you you will not have a 'normal' life, but a therapist can help you address a lot of this, reach some closure here and there and you can get back some of that 'normalcy' you think you see in everyone else.

As for Tablets (pills) making you feel suicidal instead of reducing the depression, I think you need to seriously sit down and think real hard about when depression hits you most of all. It is possible that you have what is called Seasonal Affected Disorder as a foundation which with all of this loss and other stuff has been lost under general depression caused by situations.

If this is the case, then most of the anti-depressants out there are going to do more harm than good. It took several attempts at using antidepressants, and a few suicide attempts and one suicide where I succeeded, but was resuscitated before I was properly diagnosed with SAD. I'm not the only person who has been this badly misdiagnosed, and who has touched death a wee bit closer because of misdiagnosis.

Therapy does work if you work it. Its not all just about talking about how you feel today, you get to really peel your onion, which means you look at yourself and peel back one layer after another and get to see how each layer rests on the one beneath and get a better idea of why you feel X when Y happens, and you can make sense of some if not a lot of what makes you feel what you feel.

Knowing WHY you feel ________________(fill in the blank) goes a long way at giving you control over that feeling and even get to the point where you can choose to not feel ______________ (fill in the blank) as much, as deep or as often.

Its not a perfect cure, but it can help a lot and make like far more manageable, more livable and give you sanity compared to what undoubtedly must feel like insanity at this time.

As for love, fate is fickle and plays her tricks. Its usually when we stop looking for love, or even when we least want it that it sneaks up behind us and proceeds to bash our brains in with a hockey-stick or other blunt instrument.

A therapist can, most likely, help you to re-find your cause, your confidence and many other things which will aid in raising your chances at finding a mate.

All is not lost.

I assure you, the struggle with 'stuff' and depression is not all bad if you work at it, a lot of joy hides here and there, but like mining diamonds, you got to move a lot of dirt to find these gems.

It IS worth it. Even if it doesn't feel like it is.