01-29-2015, 12:47 AM
So if you have read the title of this piece you will know something of what this will entail.
I am a new writer to this site and this may be the only piece I ever write for it as I will be honest, I change like the wind. I'd love to say I am one of those famous bloggers and that I have tonnes of adoring fans who have all fallen in love with my down to earth approach and pathetic dreams of ever really falling in love but I'm not and to be frank I don't have the time or patience to write all the time but that doesn't mean I can't start somewhere and who knows maybe my words will touch someone, maybe others will relate to me and maybe I will grow to love doing this.
So I will start with a little about me, my name is Ryan, I'm 28 and from the United Kingdom in a small city called Norwich which I think to tourists would be a wonderful city to visit but for someone born and bred here it's very suffocating, especially when you are gay.
The other night I was trying to sleep but for me I just haven't been able to do that recently as thoughts haven't been playing on my mind so I did something I thought might help relax me.
I asked myself what am I happy for, what are the good parts to my life, what have been the good parts.
And so I can say I have had a lot of things happen in my life, my cousin died young from a brain tumor, I was about 12 and I guess it had an effect on me, I experienced the loss of a loved one quite young.
14 was the age I came to terms with myself, I knew I was gay but it still wasn't easy coming to terms with it and I tried to fight a lot of those thoughts at first. I was at a Catholic High School and when I got the confidence I came out and to be truthful it was bad but not so bad but what I do remember still is the first feeling of being isolated and in a way rejected.
After that it was pretty much sailing through my teens, drinking, laughing and experience love and sex all for the first time. Then I hit my 20's and it starts going to shit my Mum and Dad separate but that really was a good thing in the long run. My Nan suffers a stroke, which I believe is one of the worst things to happen to a person especially when it's a critical one.
And then the worst one to hit is the death of my Mum, a few years back she was told she had Stage 4 Lung Cancer and you know everyday since the moment she died has put my life in to the most surreal place, grief is a daily occurrence, I understand when someone says 'I think about them everyday' it's true you do.
What I want to say from this is, I was lying in my bed and although I have been a witness to some really horrible things I still believe I've had a really fortunate, lucky and happy life.
I got to spend 9 months with my Mum through her illness, yes it wasn't easy but we laughed so much, we spent so much time together and really got to say everything we ever needed to. And growing up with my family was so happy so I really am aware at how lucky I am.
So why the title, well you know that saying the good things to myself helped me get to sleep but saying the things I really feel is a different matter.
For one of the many times in my life I have felt the wave come over me. When I was at University I had one of the biggest waves hit me, I had a feeling of utter despair and isolation, I had got myself in such a place that I wanted to leave this world behind.
I went to a doctors and that really took a lot of guts for me to do, admit I just didn't want to be here and I got no warmth or sympathy and felt that I was being judged by this Doctor, like he thought I was trying to scam him in to prescribing me anti depressants.
So I took these tablets and they made me so much worse, to the point where I kept returning to this bridge night after night urging myself to just jump off.
From that moment I realized only I could do it for myself, only I would get myself better and I told myself I will never let myself ever get that low again.
So here I am and like I said there has a wave come over me, it will never be as bad as the one I had at Uni, I can feel I'm stronger now but it's different. Like someone really heavy is just sitting on me and I haven't got the strength to do anything about it. I've just given up.
So here is the truth about me, I've always wanted to fall in love, more than anything. So much so that those few brief moments I've ever had with a guy that's got past the first date I've just basically offered my heart on a plate.
I've grown up seeing everyone fall in love and settle down, including my younger brothers, nobody has ever seen me attached to anyone and they don't even ask anymore if I'm seeing someone because it's so blatant I'm not.
I can't help but feel this utter sadness within that this will be it for me because seeing death upfront has put my own mortality in to perspective 28 may sound young but people are dying younger and younger now, people have heart attacks in their 30's.
My Mum in her last year was worried about dying alone, she wanted to be attached to someone but over that year all her friends and family gave her so much love that it didn't matter in the end and I know that is true but I can also see how she must of felt because in life I think for most we all want that soul mate we think we are twinned with.
My title is taken from the lyrics of the song 'Poor Unfortunate Souls', from Disney's The Little Mermaid.
The actual story written by Hans Christian Anderson is actually my favorite story because it's about sacrifice and unrequited love. I grew up wanting to be the Little Mermaid until I read the actual story and how sad it was.
So this is me, soul laid bare on a gay chat thread and I have no regrets for speaking the absolute truth, in fact it's what I find is lacking in the gay community where I am from, everyone is on guard and afraid to let their hair down.
Well, love to you all who have taken the time to read this, I hope you have a lovely evening/day.
Ryan x
I am a new writer to this site and this may be the only piece I ever write for it as I will be honest, I change like the wind. I'd love to say I am one of those famous bloggers and that I have tonnes of adoring fans who have all fallen in love with my down to earth approach and pathetic dreams of ever really falling in love but I'm not and to be frank I don't have the time or patience to write all the time but that doesn't mean I can't start somewhere and who knows maybe my words will touch someone, maybe others will relate to me and maybe I will grow to love doing this.
So I will start with a little about me, my name is Ryan, I'm 28 and from the United Kingdom in a small city called Norwich which I think to tourists would be a wonderful city to visit but for someone born and bred here it's very suffocating, especially when you are gay.
The other night I was trying to sleep but for me I just haven't been able to do that recently as thoughts haven't been playing on my mind so I did something I thought might help relax me.
I asked myself what am I happy for, what are the good parts to my life, what have been the good parts.
And so I can say I have had a lot of things happen in my life, my cousin died young from a brain tumor, I was about 12 and I guess it had an effect on me, I experienced the loss of a loved one quite young.
14 was the age I came to terms with myself, I knew I was gay but it still wasn't easy coming to terms with it and I tried to fight a lot of those thoughts at first. I was at a Catholic High School and when I got the confidence I came out and to be truthful it was bad but not so bad but what I do remember still is the first feeling of being isolated and in a way rejected.
After that it was pretty much sailing through my teens, drinking, laughing and experience love and sex all for the first time. Then I hit my 20's and it starts going to shit my Mum and Dad separate but that really was a good thing in the long run. My Nan suffers a stroke, which I believe is one of the worst things to happen to a person especially when it's a critical one.
And then the worst one to hit is the death of my Mum, a few years back she was told she had Stage 4 Lung Cancer and you know everyday since the moment she died has put my life in to the most surreal place, grief is a daily occurrence, I understand when someone says 'I think about them everyday' it's true you do.
What I want to say from this is, I was lying in my bed and although I have been a witness to some really horrible things I still believe I've had a really fortunate, lucky and happy life.
I got to spend 9 months with my Mum through her illness, yes it wasn't easy but we laughed so much, we spent so much time together and really got to say everything we ever needed to. And growing up with my family was so happy so I really am aware at how lucky I am.
So why the title, well you know that saying the good things to myself helped me get to sleep but saying the things I really feel is a different matter.
For one of the many times in my life I have felt the wave come over me. When I was at University I had one of the biggest waves hit me, I had a feeling of utter despair and isolation, I had got myself in such a place that I wanted to leave this world behind.
I went to a doctors and that really took a lot of guts for me to do, admit I just didn't want to be here and I got no warmth or sympathy and felt that I was being judged by this Doctor, like he thought I was trying to scam him in to prescribing me anti depressants.
So I took these tablets and they made me so much worse, to the point where I kept returning to this bridge night after night urging myself to just jump off.
From that moment I realized only I could do it for myself, only I would get myself better and I told myself I will never let myself ever get that low again.
So here I am and like I said there has a wave come over me, it will never be as bad as the one I had at Uni, I can feel I'm stronger now but it's different. Like someone really heavy is just sitting on me and I haven't got the strength to do anything about it. I've just given up.
So here is the truth about me, I've always wanted to fall in love, more than anything. So much so that those few brief moments I've ever had with a guy that's got past the first date I've just basically offered my heart on a plate.
I've grown up seeing everyone fall in love and settle down, including my younger brothers, nobody has ever seen me attached to anyone and they don't even ask anymore if I'm seeing someone because it's so blatant I'm not.
I can't help but feel this utter sadness within that this will be it for me because seeing death upfront has put my own mortality in to perspective 28 may sound young but people are dying younger and younger now, people have heart attacks in their 30's.
My Mum in her last year was worried about dying alone, she wanted to be attached to someone but over that year all her friends and family gave her so much love that it didn't matter in the end and I know that is true but I can also see how she must of felt because in life I think for most we all want that soul mate we think we are twinned with.
My title is taken from the lyrics of the song 'Poor Unfortunate Souls', from Disney's The Little Mermaid.
The actual story written by Hans Christian Anderson is actually my favorite story because it's about sacrifice and unrequited love. I grew up wanting to be the Little Mermaid until I read the actual story and how sad it was.
So this is me, soul laid bare on a gay chat thread and I have no regrets for speaking the absolute truth, in fact it's what I find is lacking in the gay community where I am from, everyone is on guard and afraid to let their hair down.
Well, love to you all who have taken the time to read this, I hope you have a lovely evening/day.
Ryan x