How to approach?

[Semaj]

I have been casually seeing a guy for 2-3 months now, mainly sexual but the odd date here and there. Recently we started spend a lot more time together as a couple and things kept going great. Being open with each other we were talking about sexual experiences we would like to have and a 3some was the hot topic. We agreed to go out and try our luck to find a willing and lucky guy. At a nightclub we found a guy and after a few drinks things heated up. Happy days!!!

The problem is now, that I found more pleasure and attraction to this new boy. We've all fooled around together a few times since but I always find myself just wanting him. To spend time with him and be gentle and intimate with him, just the two of us. So basically how do I go about approaching him about it? Is it wrong? Do I tell the guy I'm casually seeing/sleeping with now how I feel??
Xx

[MikeW]

… So basically how do I go about approaching him about it? Is it wrong? Do I tell the guy I'm casually seeing/sleeping with now how I feel??

I duno… you're saying the first guy is a "casual" relationship, "mostly sexual" but you have had dates, too… so… what do you feel about this first guy? What kind of feelings, if any, does he have toward you? Have either of you made any commitments to be monogamous? I ask because to me that's what it is all about. Put yourself in his place, would you want to know that the guy you'd been seeing for two to three months for causal sex and occasional dates was feeling he'd like to get together with this new guy?

Personally, I abhor secrets. I'd rather be told, even though I might feel uncomfortable about it. But that's just me. Other guys either a) don't want to know (iow, it's ok with them if you see someone else, just don't tell them about it) or b) truly don't care. When it comes right down to it, if I'm being sexual with someone and we haven't made any commitments -- or implied any, for that matter -- it really isn't any of my business who the other guy sleeps with. In this instance, though, the fact you both know the new guy and have slept with him together "as a couple" (your words) complicates the situation. So, I'm thinking you should be honest about it and care enough about the first guy to at least be open to hearing what he has to say.

As for asking the new guy, I wouldn't until I'd talked about this with the first. Beyond that, I can't think of any "how" other than just, again, being honest, "Hey, you know, I'd really like to have some special alone time with you, would you be interested in that?" and see how he reacts.

BTW… I'd not do any of this via text messaging. I'd want to be in person with who ever I'm talking to so I can not only hear inflection but observe body language.

I've been around long enough to have met a lot of different gay men. For some casual sex with multiple partners on-going is no big deal. In some cases it is just *assumed*. From what you've said, though, the fact you've begun to relate to others "as a couple" suggests there's more going on here than just "casual sex." I'd want to clarify that. I'd really want to check in with myself as well… How would I feel (for example), if it turns out guy # 1 has feelings for me but I decide to go after # 2 despite that. Then, it turns out # 2 was just a "passing fancy" while, in the mean time, # 1 moves on? (That isn't an unusual scenario.)

I guess the bottom line is… what do you want and what are you willing to risk to get it? I think in general taking risks is something we need to do but we also need to realize that doing so IS a risk. Sometimes we get everything we want, sometimes we end up with less than we had!

[Lexington]

Do you want to stop seeing the other guy? Do you want to "break up with him", as it were? Do you want to see both of them? Or do you want to put the first guy on the "back burner" for awhile, and see what happens with the new guy?

Lex

[TwisttheLeaf]

^^^ [MENTION=21778]Lexington[/MENTION] poses some questions that could really help us all in getting a better idea on what all is going on, and the advice and opinions to give/share concerning it all

[Virge]

For me this is freaky on three levels.
1. The only times my guy and I did 3 ways or 4 ways were in GC or Briz.
2. Right now we have 2 pairs of friends in Briz going through 3way/4way drama.
3. Strayne friends of ours who now live in Chicago tried to get us to do a 4way with them Valentines night when they came to visit. It wasn't a good situation and they left unhappy.

Maybe it's just that Q-land guys are just less inhibited than guys elsewhere. The last time I was there was August for a week. During that time I know we got hit on my single guys or couples at least five times. Maybe there's something in the water down there, ya think?

I'm thinking that if you have more of an attraction to guy #2 than #1 you need to own up to that. If you've made no binding commitment and don't want to have one with #1 then you should be honest with him about it. It might or might not hurt him a bit but being dishonest with him about it will hurt him worse.

And from seeing how this has played out with friends in your situation -- you need to keep in mind there's a big and very real chance you can lose guy #1 when you go chasing #2 and then lose #2 for any of a half dozen obvious things that might arise. He may meet someone he likes better than you. He may just get bored with you. He may be in it just for noncommittal sex and want to do more group sex even thought you don't. He may not be as serious about you as you are about him.

☝That's the way this ends up most the time if you start checking around. Also you need to check around to see how other guys are talked about once they get a rep for preferring 3 ways/ 4 ways. Once word gets around about a guy doing that there'll be loads of great guys who won't even look at you twice and then others who'll make the moves on you just for group sex.

You prolly know just like I do poofs in GC and Briz are sticky beaks who gosse on anyone they can. That was one of the considerations for my guy to leave there and move back of burke in the US with me. I'm not making any judgments on what you chose to do. I'm just throwing out the possible consequences for you to look at.

[East]

Based on what you said....I would just tell your friend exactly what you have told us. It is that simple for me....

Maybe he feels the same way about him...or someone else? It isn't as if you have a commitment. I am assuming he is on some level a friend though and I think it is a good policy to be honest with a friend.....

...or even simpler...if you were in his shoes...what would you like to happen? Would you feel betrayed? Happy? Would you want to be told...or not?

There is your answer

[Pyromancer]

Kind of off-topic, but I'm curious. Doesn't the whole 3some thing just invite in a shitload of drama? I mean OK , I could see doing it with a couple guys if we had no emotional ties, just I like them OK and there's sexual attraction. So no one would have hurt feelings or unexpected jealousies or whatever. But if I have a connection with a guy, dating him or a BF or something, maybe I'm uptight and possessive but I know that I would not want to watch him getting it on with someone else...just me, IDK...

[hank]

I have been casually seeing a guy for 2-3 months now, mainly sexual but the odd date here and there. Recently we started spend a lot more time together as a couple and things kept going great. Being open with each other we were talking about sexual experiences we would like to have and a 3some was the hot topic. We agreed to go out and try our luck to find a willing and lucky guy. At a nightclub we found a guy and after a few drinks things heated up. Happy days!!!

The problem is now, that I found more pleasure and attraction to this new boy. We've all fooled around together a few times since but I always find myself just wanting him. To spend time with him and be gentle and intimate with him, just the two of us. So basically how do I go about approaching him about it? Is it wrong? Do I tell the guy I'm casually seeing/sleeping with now how I feel??
Xx

I'd suggest first finding out if the new fellow wants exclusivity. Perhaps the other fellow is interested in long term but may find it difficult to express that feeling.

It is of the utmost importance to be honest with yourself. Are you interested in only sex, or do you want more?

[hank]

Kind of off-topic, but I'm curious. Doesn't the whole 3some thing just invite in a shitload of drama? I mean OK , I could see doing it with a couple guys if we had no emotional ties, just I like them OK and there's sexual attraction. So no one would have hurt feelings or unexpected jealousies or whatever. But if I have a connection with a guy, dating him or a BF or something, maybe I'm uptight and possessive but I know that I would not want to watch him getting it on with someone else...just me, IDK...

I think it's a personal thing. I personally find it difficult to be sexually active with somebody I don't love. And for me one is plenty. But than again I find myself to be quite old fashioned.

[East]

Kind of off-topic, but I'm curious. Doesn't the whole 3some thing just invite in a shitload of drama? I mean OK , I could see doing it with a couple guys if we had no emotional ties, just I like them OK and there's sexual attraction. So no one would have hurt feelings or unexpected jealousies or whatever. But if I have a connection with a guy, dating him or a BF or something, maybe I'm uptight and possessive but I know that I would not want to watch him getting it on with someone else...just me, IDK...

Well..there is another way of looking at it. IF you really unconditionally love a guy...wouldn't you want him to have a great time?

I remember getting jealous the first couple of times with boyfriend #2 ...and there was drama..but we broke up for other reasons and then with boyfriend #3 we had ALOT of 3-ways..no drama...we didn't even really like each other but the sex kicked ass...

My current BF of 29 years...we actually approached it differently. Instead of wanting a "3-way"...we have been really honest with each other from the beginning and easily communicated so we had some fantasies that were specific and so when we decided to pursue them...we put our pic on a popular mostly straight dating/sex site and was blunt and VERY SPECIFIC what we wanted...and BAM...we had responses and a perfect guy right away...and lots more applicants...and it actually happened instead of some weird sex talk back and forth that I hear people talking about all the time.

...and no jealousy at all. I think I outgrew jealousy as I became more secure in my own skin. I am a that place where I just feel turned on if he is turned on. We haven't done any 3 ways for many many years but if it came up I would look forward to it. I am also at the place where if he said he needed to be with someone else for whatever reason...he will always be THE ONE for me and I would still love him unconditionally......I have been in this place for probably 20 years now which is really cool because it beats the hell out of being insecure and jealous which is how I started out...I like being confident and not at all threatened way better!