Left Over Trauma From Attack By A Stalker

[Pyromancer]

I'm posting about this because it's come up in conversations with a few people here and I'm starting to get a little stressed.

When I was 19, I got involved with an online stalker situation that spilled over into real life. The woman was older than me and IDK, things escalated and I didn't know how to handle it. I was dumb enough to let her into my apartment to "talk things out" and I ended up being badly hurt physically, cut and stabbed

Since then, I haven't had any sort of online presence. I don't use any social media, Skype, webcam chat. I never post my picture or mention my location. Six months ago I joined an online 12 step group, and that and now GS have been my only attempts to try and overcome the panic I feel about reaching out to people online. The 12 step group is totally anonymous, and I've felt OK with GS because I don't have to use my real name and there are a lot of rules, which is actually reassuring to me.

What's awkward is when someone wants to carry the acquaintance further and Skype or whatever or even just asks for a pic. If I try to explain that I don't do those things, people get offended like I'm just brushing them off or they think I'm weird. I usually end up not talking to them at all anymore because I don't know what else to do. It's happened three times here, 2 guys wanting to Skype or FB and another wanting pics, and I hate that it's still so hard to suppress the panic.

I don't think I'm ever going to be comfortable online like I used to be, and that's OK. I just wonder if anyone can suggest a way to explain to people without having to go into detail. Some guys think the idea of a guy having a female stalker is sexy and that freaks me out. I get really anxious talking about this at all.

[East]

Oh man...I know exactly what you are feeling.....

I just had a conversation last week on the phone with someone who has been an online friend for many years and we discussed this at length.

For me...I don't even want to say the exact details on line because I am afraid that he will read them,.or someone who knows him will read them...and he will find me again. It is CRIPPLING....

I have written it out and deleted it over the years on many boards just to try to get past the fear...but I always stop myself because I know how stupid it is as I am not dealing with a rational person. I also know that the chances are slim that he would ever find me...or is even still alive...but the problem...as I am sure you know now...is that they get inside of your head and on a very real level have power and control over you.

I wouldn't put anything in my name for many years because of him...and I spent ALOT of time trying to "protect myself" ...it was exhausting. I lied about stuff and changed stuff all the time on purpose if I thought it might put me in his line of fire. If someone I didn't know asked me where I lived in passing I would freak...I got paranoid alot...

When I found out about google earth I lost it...it is why I changed my mind about guns. Fuck that..I am gonna protect myself.

May I ask...have you attracted obsessive people to you in the past as well? I did...it was a pattern and I didn't even do anything to engage any of them (except for the real bad one). They weren't as scary as the one I won't talk about...but on an individual basis they were scary at the time...and I had to call the police. I don't mind talking about those guys...and I have in the past.

Anyway...if the answer is yes...let me know. I have some tips I learned.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this...I know how scary it can be....and since you were attacked it must be even more crippling for you ((()))

You are SMART not to put your photo up....

One more thing...this is why I fucking hate internet trolls more than most people do. People that just want to fuck with other people for sport bring it all back to me on some level and I feel a rage...I have to use the ignore function alot with these kinds of people. The good news! There are almost none at this board so you chose wisely. I have only had to use the ignore button once this time around

[Darius]

Why didn't you call the police after the assault? You may not want to talk about it, but I'm curious how this happened and how she overpowered you.

[Pyromancer]

Oh man...I know exactly what you are feeling.....

I just had a conversation last week on the phone with someone who has been an online friend for many years and we discussed this at length.

For me...I don't even want to say the exact details on line because I am afraid that he will read them,.or someone who knows him will read them...and he will find me again. It is CRIPPLING....

I have written it out and deleted it over the years on many boards just to try to get past the fear...but I always stop myself because I know how stupid it is as I am not dealing with a rational person. I also know that the chances are slim that he would ever find me...or is even still alive...but the problem...as I am sure you know now...is that they get inside of your head and on a very real level have power and control over you.

I wouldn't put anything in my name for many years because of him...and I spent ALOT of time trying to "protect myself" ...it was exhausting. I lied about stuff and changed stuff all the time on purpose if I thought it might put me in his line of fire. If someone I didn't know asked me where I lived in passing I would freak...I got paranoid alot...

When I found out about google earth I lost it...it is why I changed my mind about guns. Fuck that..I am gonna protect myself.

May I ask...have you attracted obsessive people to you in the past as well? I did...it was a pattern and I didn't even do anything to engage any of them (except for the real bad one). They weren't as scary as the one I won't talk about...but on an individual basis they were scary at the time...and I had to call the police. I don't mind talking about those guys...and I have in the past.

Anyway...if the answer is yes...let me know. I have some tips I learned.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this...I know how scary it can be....and since you were attacked it must be even more crippling for you ((()))

You are SMART not to put your photo up....

One more thing...this is why I fucking hate internet trolls more than most people do. People that just want to fuck with other people for sport bring it all back to me on some level and I feel a rage...I have to use the ignore function alot with these kinds of people. The good news! There are almost none at this board so you chose wisely. I have only had to use the ignore button once this time around

Thank you for sharing all of that. One of the huge things with me has been feeling alone in this. Well meaning people tell me all the time what I should have seen and should have know and should have done, until it feels like I'm the only idiot in the world and I somehow invited this. And yeah, in retrospect, why on earth would a 25 year old woman be so interested in a 19 year old kid? I was flattered...20/20 hindsight.

And to answer your question, yes. I seem to attract obsessive people and I honestly don't know why. I had an experience a couple years ago with a co-worker I'd never dated or encouraged in any way who wouldn't be discouraged. I ended up changing jobs.

It helps to hear you say that you still can't talk about it , I posted this hoping that people would see it and not approach me about FB or Skype so then I won't have to try to explain. The last time I tried, I was explaining to this asshole about almost bleeding out and his whole focus was on the fact I had a female stalker. He's asking me what she looked like and telling me Dude, that's hot. Like my life was some freaking porn video.

I moved half way across the country. And she's still in jail. But still...but, something good...I've mentioned Danny here, the guy I've been seeing. He's the only person who...well, my first time with him he didn't recoil or stop and ask questions...or act grossed out...he ran his fingers over the scars and kissed them and then moved on. I mean, he knew about them but hadn't seen them, and I've had people get pretty freaked.

Again, thanks. I'm glad I posted this because you've helped more than you can imagine.

[Borg69]

Some things you have to try to remember is: she's a human being... you're giving her some kind of supernatural super powers over you in your mind. She was an isolated incident... the majority of people aren't this psycho, and you learned the hard way not to allow strangers into your home/life until they've earned your trust.

You do have the majority of control over your life.

Be cautious of whom you let in. Add a lock to your door. Don't open the door for strangers. Carry a stun gun. Hide baseball bats around your home. Learn self defense. Don't walk down dark alleys. Don't be a victim!

[Pyromancer]

Why didn't you call the police after the assault? You may not want to talk about it, but I'm curious how this happened and how she overpowered you.

She's still in jail. Police were involved. How did she overpower me? She had a freaking knife.

[Darius]

OK, you didn't give us that info. Hope you are ok now. Don't let her keep victimizing you by giving her the kind of power that makes you live in fear.

[Camfer]

I don't think I'm ever going to be comfortable online like I used to be, and that's OK. I just wonder if anyone can suggest a way to explain to people without having to go into detail.

I am so sorry you had to go through that traumatic incident. Your reactions are totally understandable.

It seems like the best you can do on any online profile is state clearly that you keep your online life online only, and your real life separate from online. You don't have to get into any details as to why this is the case. You say up front that no, you don't share your facebook account, pictures, location, skype, whatsapp, etc. That way if someone reads your profile and has a problem with it, they won't contact you. And, if someone inquires why, you simply tell them you value your privacy.

On this topic you get to be who you want to be. You're a valuable addition to GS, so stick around and don't get any deeper into stuff that stresses you out than you want to.

[East]

Thank you for sharing all of that. One of the huge things with me has been feeling alone in this. Well meaning people tell me all the time what I should have seen and should have know and should have done, until it feels like I'm the only idiot in the world and I somehow invited this. And yeah, in retrospect, why on earth would a 25 year old woman be so interested in a 19 year old kid? I was flattered...20/20 hindsight.

And to answer your question, yes. I seem to attract obsessive people and I honestly don't know why. I had an experience a couple years ago with a co-worker I'd never dated or encouraged in any way who wouldn't be discouraged. I ended up changing jobs.

It helps to hear you say that you still can't talk about it , I posted this hoping that people would see it and not approach me about FB or Skype so then I won't have to try to explain. The last time I tried, I was explaining to this asshole about almost bleeding out and his whole focus was on the fact I had a female stalker. He's asking me what she looked like and telling me Dude, that's hot. Like my life was some freaking porn video.

I moved half way across the country. And she's still in jail. But still...but, something good...I've mentioned Danny here, the guy I've been seeing. He's the only person who...well, my first time with him he didn't recoil or stop and ask questions...or act grossed out...he ran his fingers over the scars and kissed them and then moved on. I mean, he knew about them but hadn't seen them, and I've had people get pretty freaked.

Again, thanks. I'm glad I posted this because you've helped more than you can imagine.

I am really glad it helped you. The jail thing...I got mine in jail (sorta) too....I am saying sorta because it is THAT BAD for me that I don't want to say any details...and for me...fasten your seatbelts...it has been 38 years....

It would fade a bit but the m*thefucker contacted my relatives all over the pace...I didn't even know a lot of them...and they contacted me...letting me know he said "hi"....

The last time was in 1996 that I know of though so that is good. One time it occurred to me to turn the tables on him so I tried looking him up..and nothing at all showed up...it would have been a mistake I know but I was so tired of being afraid of that guy and I also had not put my names on soooooo many things and it was becoming a problem. I also tried to change a letter or two in my name and then if I was ever called on it I would just say I must have been sidetracked...but it never happened. I had my DL go to a different address for years....

For me...on the internet...I have always been in a relationship since the internet came around and I have no interest in meeting anyone so the same situations have not happened to me as you. I do worry about meeting people though in person...I can't help think that they might be "him" ...it really sucks...and I know I am paranoid but if you haven't been in my shoes...you have no way of knowing what I had to deal with....

In the past I have also hoped just saying I was stalked would explain things without me having to spell it out...but it doesn't always work that way (almost never)...it is nice when someone else knows what you are talking about...

____________________________________________________________________________

I LOVE something you said...about the people thinking it is sexy to have a stalker...I don't love that it happened to you at all but I love that you "get it"......and just hearing that helps me more than you know. See...I attracted obsessive guys and no one even helped me or listened to me because they thought I was bragging or that they wished a guy would do that to him...or that is was sexy (BARF). I felt like screaming...and inside I was....AAARRRGGGHHHHH It was like getting slapped in the face trying to get anyone to understand how frightening it was. It pissed me off...NO ONE HEARD ME!!!!! Just having someone else hear me was a fantasy of mine back then....and I would end up turning it back on myself since so many people would have the same reaction...

For instance...this one guy comes up to me one day and I think I am meeting him for the first time...and he proceeds to tell me who I went here or there with and what I had to eat at different restaurants and what I talked about..and with who...he had been stalking me for weeks...

..and he is what most people would consider "hot" ...and I did want to fuck him which is why I was talking to him ...but that was so creepy ...and yet everyone thought it was 'romantic" and they thought I was "lucky"...OH MY FUCKING GOD.....

I also had a guy hiding in the bushes at the steps where I lived...I was lucky that my headlight spanned the curb and I caught his movement so I kept driving and called the police. No way was I getting out of the car. I was there when they pulled him out and arrested him...I never even spoke to the guy before but I recognized him as one of my customers who was actually shy and never said anything to me...

...and there are at least 10 more stories like that...some a lot worse...and it happened to me in succession over a period of time. I have a theory why...and I changed some stuff about myself which seemed to work...that is why I asked if you attracted obsessive people. You have to find out why and change what is attracting them...or learn to hide it. I tried to act really mean...and I started developing personas to hide my vulnerability. I worked behind the bar in a gay nightclub though this went on even before that happened...it just intensified when I started because a lot more people saw me...YIKES...

Years into my job...one of the owners pulled me aside one day and told me that he was amazed because he heard bad stuff about everyone who worked there from the customers almost every day but in all the years he never heard one person complain about me and they only said nice things...and he wanted to know my secret. Well...you think I would have been happy...I fucking freaked out. I started to get sick to my stomach because I thought with all my personas I had successfully hid myself...I started thinking of myself as a nightly SNL show...a part of me was in everyone of my personas but I hid the real me...and so I went on a rampage to get people not to like me and I pissed one off so bad he told on me..l was THRILLED!

If you want to PM me I will give you some info that might help you discourage these kinds of people....and no worries...I will never ask for your name or picture...I promise. Oh yeah...you should make a firm rule to never give your real name to ANYONE on the internet. Don't even bother telling them why though...as you have already discovered the hard way the reactions and lack of understanding can be frustrating...just so you know it because you have to stay safe and the only person who is going to protect you is you...so if they can't accept that....too bad.

[Gideon]

Don't let -anyone- pressure you into revealing any information you aren't comfortable with, man. And don't let -anyone- make you feel weird or bad or awkward about it. No means no...The people that matter will accept your limitations with or without an explanation.

Anyone can say you should have done this or that, they would have handled it however, but the truth is, without being in your shoes, without experiencing -your- trauma...they don't really know HOW they would have handled it. You did what you felt was right for you in the moment, what you could handle to get through it.

I admire your strength in even being here after what you'd experienced...and you will only get stronger. One day at a time, man. One breath at a time. Just....keep breathing.