I have no idea why I'm in here

[Time2Settle]

Hey everyone,
I can't really say that im new to this kind of forums, as I've had some (very limited) experiences in the past.
I have no idea what I'm going to write in here now...
it might be a short bio about myself or it might end up in a very long, boring, detailed one, so I will just start talking about myself and I will have no expectations (as I advice you should too) about how this is going to be, so lets just start with the very basic things you should know about me.
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I'm a 26 years old (27 on May 6th) architect, raised in a semi-religious middleclass family, im not religious at all, though I like to think of myself more of a spiritual.
I'm not really good looking, I'm okay I guess... I have all kinds of flaws you can think of so I will leave that to your imagination.
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I was raised by a distant father and an overbearing mother, they got divorced when I was 8, and I moved to live with my mom and my sister at my grandma's which wasn't the happiest days of my life to say the least.
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But dont get me wrong. I'm not trying to give the impression of being the victim of circumstances or anything in here, actually we both agreed (me and my sister) that the divorce was the best thing that could ever happen as it was a nightmare we had to live in everyday of our early years.
I would even go further and say that I was a happy child, I did enjoy the very little I had when i was just a little boy. I guess that was how early I learned how not to look at the empty half of a glass and appreciate what life offers me.
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I'm not here to complain about my life, and I'm not asking for a magical advice that would turn my world into a happy one.
I'm a Taurus, and we know how to keep things to ourselves, specially the crappy stuff obviously as we feel more vulnerable showing our weaknesses to the world.
but at this point of my life, I just needed to say whatever I have outloud or im simply going to lose it at some point.
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I'm starting to think of this as the first (and maybe last) autobiography I write about myself.
It's slightly after 5am in here and I've been crying on bed all night and even that hasn't been enough to get me to sleep as it's been doing for the last 16 months.
I have to say that losing him literally broke me.
He gave me that love I've always imagined in fairy tales (with some real life drama of course.... welll lots of that but still), and after he's gone, the idea of having that kind of love again in my life has been the only thing that's giving me energy to end everyday on its own.
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A Taurus is a relationship oriented guy, and I've been following the book all my life, I can't even imagine fooling around with random guys (though I admit its not something I havent done before) so lets start from the begining...
I had 3 boyfriends since i was 19, My community is really strict some how when it comes to certain stuff... I was a loner too... i never really had any friends till I was 16, I joined college and i decided to change my life completely... i started by losing weight (from 122Kg to 85Kgs) and worked alot on my confidence as I wasnt even able to speak to anyone without blushing... boys AND girls... and they used to make fun of that too.
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Anyways, Back then there was no smartphones, and my internet knowledge was very limited, all I knew was one single online gay chatroom and that was when I met Luis. my first boyfriend... Brazilian-Portuguese... 3 years older than myself... it started as an online friendship, we used to talk for a minimum of 4 hours aday about everything, politics, movies, arts, music.... anything you could think of... I was happy with the idea of having a safe distance between us... he was in another continent after all.
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But of course if you spend all that time with someone, specially if you needed that kind of attention, you'd start growing feelings for the guy... and I did.
Apparantly he found me interesting too (which I still wonder why) and he asked me to be his boyfriend... of course the whole idea sounded silly to me, specially that I totally believed back then that long distance relationships never work out.
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But I give him credit that he tried so hard to make it work, he was super Loyal and he knew how to make me fall even more for him (forgot to mention that he was a virgin back then).
we spent a couple of months dating online until he said one day that he wants to visit for the summer holidays and stay with me in here.
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I was 19, I had some huge confidence and selfesteem issues, and to make it even worse, I was still in denial.
I never thought anyone would travel for me from another city in my country while he was in a whole different planet.
he started asking about the visas and the flight tickets and i was always trying to discourage him like "yeah, the visa would take so long" , "seeeee, the tickets are too expencive, you's better stop thinking about it".... until one day he told me that he got the tickets, at first i didnt believe him, but seeing the e-ticket was enough to freak me out... I was literally on my toes that day.
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So the day came, I met him at the airport and it was way beyond I expected it would be.
He's a virgo and I'm a Taurus, apparantly we are not the easiest two signs to match but dont underestimate the patience of a Taurus.
so it was nice, beautiful, magical, bla bla bla....
but lets not forget the fact that I've spent the early ears of my life a lonely child, no friends and I almost never saw the streets by myself.
and now my mom notices that I've been barely staying at home, and most of the time I'm just there to get some new clothes.
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And that's how mother's start questioning, and she did her research... apparently she's been through my files on the computer (it was a PC backthen), and one of these days I find her asking me "Is you Brazilian friend in here"... I laughed and said she's funny and left but that wasnt over.
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after he went back to Portugal, the interrogations started and she even brought things up from my childhood (as apparenlty I was sexually abused and raped at some point which is something im not comfortable talking about but who knows, maybe I will in the future)...
She insisted that I speak to a shrink... and I did.
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It was the worst days of my life, I was depressed, I broke up with Luis over something really stupid that I could've easily forgiven and by that ending the first relationship in my life that lasted for a year (I told him the real reason why I broke up with him years later though, and we are still really good friends till this day).
I spent about 3 months talking to this guy who almost convienced me to get married as it will help "cure" me from those thoughts I'm having.
I got engaged to this amazing girl, a friend of my sister, her family loved me and my family loved her... which made it even worse for me.
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only then I did what I do best when I feel like running under a rock and hide for the rest of my life... I went back to that same online chatroom, and I met him.
Marc, he lives in a costal city which is like 3 hours by train but that was no problem at all.
when we started chatting... All i said was that Im not ready for anything serious, and im not looking for sex. and to be honest, he respected that... he was really nice, easy to talk to, simply, he was a gentleman as one should be.
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I knew that this wasnt fair to the girl I was engaged to/dating so after a couple of days... i sent him a -not so short- email telling him that he is a sweet guy and all but I'm not ready for this kind of friendship and that its better if we dont speak again.
on the same day, I recieved a very long email which said that I didn't have the decency to tell him that in person and that I had no respect to the guy which made me feel like an a**hole to be honest. so I called him, appologized and told him everything about Luis, the girl I'm engaged to and the shrink im seeing.
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He was really understanding and kept his words, he never contacted me until I did first, kept all of our conversations casual, and he was really supportive to whatever I did.
Marc had that magical effect on me. I never felt safer in my life as I was with him.
so after a couple of months. I ended up the engagement with the girl though she was crazy in love with me, but I thought that maybe its better to hate me coz I left her now than to find out about me later while we're marriend and who knows, maybe with kids.
I don't know how it happened but one day I found myself asking him to be my boyfriend, and he didn't even think, he just said yes.
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We were together for 2 years that passed as a dream, but guess what, he's a Taurus too, May 10th (he's one year younger than me though)... we used to argue same way we used to breath... and he was even worse than myself when it comes to expressing his feelings, but I swear he never needed to say anything, I could read all in his eyes. for him I was the perfect man (even with all my flaws) and he was all I ever wanted.
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I remember that day we first met in his city and he was showing me around (I love museums and ancient places)... he took me to St. Marc's Church and he told me that his mom named him after the saint after a dream she had, it thought it was sweet (considering that Im not religious and I dont believe in this kind of stuff unlike him)...
I never thought that this church would be carved in my memory for life later on.
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It was a sexless relationship, we were both students and we had very little money, his family knew that he was gay and they were monitoring all his moves, he can't really travel to my city as they might call him any time and ask him to get back home right away (and they did many times while we were together), but that wasnt an issue for us, we only imagined our lives together and to wait till after graduation was worth it if we were going to spend our lives together.
I would meet him early in the morning (Weekends were sacred, but also on special occasions like birthdays, valentine's... etc) we would walk for hours on the beach, watch a movie, have dinner together somewhere fancy if I had money or McDonald's if I didnt which was mostly the case.
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I never gave him a reason to feel jealous or threatened from any of my friends, and I was so understanting as I knew he spends lots of time in church giving classes for kids there... actually I encouraged that, he was so happy about it and gave him lots of positive energy, I never said that to him but I think it made him glow of happiness, Gosh I wish I would've said alot of things for him but I never did.
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It was our anniversary, almost 2 years now, as a gift, we made to matching sliver crosses which im still wearing till the moment I'm writing these words.
but things dont always work the same way we want them to be. We had a revolution, I was anti regime while was was a pro...
It was ridiculous, I was involved with politics since a very young age, my mom has always encouraged me, and while I insisted that I join the mass protests he was totally against it, mostly for my safety. and it made me feel real good about it though it was such a tense time for all of us. tanks in the streets, Thousands jailed or injured, hundreds killed, dosens missing and that night, all I remember was him asking me to have a break from our relationship
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I spoke to him and things passed that night, but of course I couldnt stop with all what was happening all around us, a couple of days later, he said he wants to break up with me, ended the chat and signed out., I never doubt his love for me, even now, I know he was having a hard time same as us all, but all I remember was staring on my laptop screen from 11pm till 7 in the morning, going through the conversation trying to understand what just happened.
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I had some really mixed emotions, I was shocked and furious mainly, and when I get to that point, I dont think, AT ALL...
I called a friend of mine, he's lebanese, I knew he had a crush one me for quite some time, and I did what I will regret till I take my last breath in this life.
I invited him over and tried to have sex with him, but I couldnt, after we kissed, I stopped him and called Marc after he left, I told him everything, I told him that I wanted to give him a reason to really break up with me if that's what he wanted, I told him that I love him and I asked for forgiveness, and of course he didn't, I wouldn't forgive myself.
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For the next 3 months I literally sent him hundreds of messages asking him to forgive me, and nothing would get me to sleep but to cry my heart out until I collapse on bed.
Everyone noticed I was different, even my professors at university. I quit going to classes, I avoided my friends as I didn't even have anyone to talk to back then. at least know one who would understand (I was still in the closet back then)
I graduated, and just the idea of being in the country without him was torture, I felt that I had nothing left for me in here so I decided to visit my dad in one of the Gulf countried where he worked as he's been requesting for a couple of years back then.
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I was supposed to stay for a coupe of weeks but I extended my stay in there for almost 8 months as I got a job in there, but I couldnt take it, the mentality and the people there were so hard to deal with on a daily basis. there was this mental load on you whereever you go, you have to dress in a certain way, you have to sit in the trashy corner in restaurants (AKA the singles corner) which was mostly by the kitchen, and all kinds of weird rules that you have to stick to or else you're in deep trouble, even wearing my cross was enough for me to be beheaded (its a real crime in there as im not a christian and yes they do behead people in a public square).
So I decided to come back to my country.
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Well with the economy in there after the revolution (im not saying that it was much better before that though), getting a job was a real challange, and i spent quite some time doing nothin, and that's when I met Vasily.
He's Swiss-Russian and he's been in my country for 6 months when we met (and now its been three more years since that day). lets just say that things evolved between us really fast, we used to spend lots of time together, we had lots of similar interests, he is very intellectual and he always has something to talk about which is really helpful for someone who doesnt really speak much unless he had to.
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but of course life has to make things a bit more fun for me.
Marc starts again giving me signals that he wants to get back to me, I'm 987239478982734% sure he never stopped loving me for a day, same way I'm sure I never did.
I think I was traumatised after all I went through after he broke up with me,
I wanted to jump in his arms and ask him never to do that to me again,
but I was scared, terrified actually, I played dumb and ignored all the signals, I decided to ignore my heart and follow my mind and give Vasily a chance.
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My mom got remarried after my graduation in 2011 and she moved in with her new husband and his 13 years old son (16 now)... I continued living with my grandma and my sister.
My sister was visiting my dad in the Gulf, while one day I find my uncle storming into my room asking me to pack and leave within 2 days, and to take my sister with me as he put it.
apparently I wasn't carefull enough and they found out about my sexuality.
I went out for a walk trying to figure out what I'm going to do which didnt turn out so well for me.
He turned all my aunts against me, he even called my dad telling him lies about me.
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4 days I spent wandering in the streets, I had no money, no food, I was cold and had no where to go.
I would go to my club and steal and hour of sleep on the grass, or go to my mom's for a snack which was even worse than being in the streets as she kept pushing me trying to know why did I stop seeing the doctor and all that.
I even had to sleep in her car for a couple of hours as I had a spare key and she still has no idea I did that till now.
that day I was so hungry, I went to her place, We had a HUGE fight... i was hungry, tired and having the worst time of my life, I didnt even understand why this was happening to me, and I came out to her which wasnt the smartest thing to do considering what I was going through.
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A friend of mine saw my pictures on instagram (im so into photography) and He called me, he thought it was suspicious for me to be taking pix all day and night in the streets.
He insisted that I meet him, and I did, and for my surprise he called vasily too.
we weren't that close back then, but he offered to take me in till my sister comes back with the keys to my dad's appartment (where we were born originally, and he got married to his second wife in the same appartment).
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Vasily supported me emotionally, mentally and even financially alot through the last 3 years. but maybe it was my mistake, I fell bad for the guy, maybe I was a bit pushy, but I dont give up easily.
he was really attracted to me but whenever I try to approach him sexually, he'd reject me, I was even at the point of just hoping for a kiss after I pick him up from the airport (he travels alot for work), but even that kiss was too much for me.
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According to him, he had sexual issues, he loved me, but sex for him is a big problem, and I decided to believe that, I thought if he had a problem I would try to work it out with him, and even if it wasnt cureable I would still live my life with him.
He took me in when even my family didnt, I wasnt ready to forget that easiy and I was intended to returning back the favor even if that meant a sexless life.
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we were living together, We shared an appartment, I had my own keys and we did everything together. it was exactly what I've always wanted if it wasnt for the sex issue.
my friends warned me that he was online on Grindr, I had an argument with him that night and told him that if he doesnt want to have this relationship then he can just tell me and I will respect his decision and keep him in my life as a friend... but he has to tell me the truth.
He admited that he was using Grindr just to talk to people and nothing sexual and that he loves me more than anything and that -of course- he wants this relationship.
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I saw signs that I chose to ignore, I went back home crying in the streets countless number of times, I never had anything to prove against him, only my feelings.
knowing that all this time we've been together, I never touched his phone to check his messages or conevrsations, not once.
one day we were sleeping together when his alarm went off in the morning, it was on my side of the bed, I reached for it... and will I was passing the phone to him I saw a pop-up message on his iPhone from whats app. it was someone asking him for sex (well thats the nice way to say what I read at least)
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And apparently that thought was a good enough reason for him to have a hard-on.
I didn't say anything. I just asked for his phone politely saying that I want to check my facebook, and I took his phone to the bathroom when gave it to me.
for the first time ever, I go through his messages. The first 3 conversations were more than I could take. I gave him back the phone, went to work as I knew I would get back home before him that day, gathered all my stuff, left my keys on the console by the door and went back him.
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[Time2Settle]

to spare you all the drama that I didnt even expect from a Russian as I've always thought of them wearing masks of ice all the time (and trust me he was one of those).
I agreed on keeping him in my life as a friend. though my conclusion about the whole situation was that he freaked out when he got closer to me. he'll be 32 in a few days and I'm the only relationship in his life. so what I think was that he felt trapped so unconsciously he started to think of a way out even if that meant cheating on me.
we are still really good friends though.
I admit that he's a wonderful guy even though we didnt see eachother the same way.
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By that time I quite my job, I was pennyless, and Marc never gave up.
He's always been there for me whenever I needed him. He knew whenever I was feeling down even though I never told him about Vasily.
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Marc was brilliant, he's definitely one of the brightest minds I've ever met. He was appointed a professor's assistant at his university after graduation, working on his masters, and also worked as a part-time trainer in a multi-national company.
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We started talking future together, he was so excited about a job offer in the Gulf and that it can be a fresh start for us, we never really said the word that we were back together.
mostly because I was still afraid of taking that step and he was waiting for me to do it.
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Marc got a virus (unfortunately I dont know the English name or the Medical term for it) that weakens the immune system so bad, that even a weak flu virus can be fatal for the host. its not HIV and its cureable, all he needed was 3-4 months of uninterrupted rest in bed with no external exposure what so ever.
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he got hospitalised for a week and he insisted that I don't visit him as I knew the day he was getting out anyways.
he was supposed to rest at home but he insisted on going to work and he got hospitalised again.
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I would never forget that last conversation as long a im alive, He wouldnt tell me the name of the hospital he was in, he said his mom is there and that it would be awkward.
I insisted, and told him that Im totally broke but the company where I used to work owed me money, the next day I would get the money, and I would travel to his city the day after and then he will have no other option but to tell me his location.
I remember how close the words "I love you" to my mouth at that moment... Instead all I said was "please take care of yourself".
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Next day, I got the money, Opened my Facebook to text him, I saw a pic of him with a RIP on the top left corner of it, I didnt understand what was going on, I even liked the pictures. then I started reading the comments to know that he went into a coma and passed away that morning, I was hysterical, I was crying and shaking, trying to reach any of his friends on facebook as I knew none of them in person. until I found someone who was by coincidence close to me... he picked me up and we went together to his funeral, I was crying all the way until we got there.
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the moment I stepped into the Church I was silenced, it was St. Marc's Church, the first place we've ever been together. I couldn't believe that this was really the end.
its been 16 months now and I'm still crying over him, still hating myself for not being there for him, for not telling him how much he meant to me, for how much time I've wasted while we could've been together.
I could've given him the only thing he ever wanted, just being there for him.
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Marc passed away wearing my cross and I intend to do nothing less than he did.
I have been a totall wreck since then, depression, food and sleeping disorders but of course as a taurus I have to keep that positive strong facade infront of everyone, attending to all the needs of all those I care for and totally neglecting emotions.
not that I'm complaining... actually being there for others is one of the greatest pleasures for me.
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I decided to pull myself together again, focus on my career, and try to have a sort of a normal love life, I was planning to work with my dad again, I was preparing my papers to travel when we got the news that my dad passed away, it was June 2014, about 7 months after Marc (November 2013). I cried, but not as much as I cried over Marc, maybe because he was never present in my life, im not trying to justify me comparing my dad to Marc, but I just feel guilty not feeling as bad as I felt with Marc when my dad died.
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SO, I moved to that country to finish my sister and my stepmom's papers to came back with me, I stayed there for 2 months till I finished all the paper works, I got a job offer as I lost the other chance with my dad's passing.
I was promised that my visa would be ready within a couple of months, and they kept their promise.
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I thought maybe this would be my fresh start. And of course I start making plans again, I was supposed to be travelling within a couple of weeks when my visa got rejected bcoz of the medical exams as I've got Hepatitis C, which is cureable but its a rough treatment and not the cheapest one too.
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Vasily paid more than half of the expances which I promised to pay as soon as I've got the money. it means alot to me as there is no chance I wouldve started my treatment without his help as no one knows about my condition but him and Luis who wanted to visit me but I asked him to postpone it as im not in a mental or a physical condition to meet him after all these years and right now I'm living with flu-like symptoms (including fever and nausia) in addition to the depression and hair loss for the next few months.
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I can't believe I spent almost 4 hours writing this, I guess its not that bad for a first timer, and to be honest I think no one would even make it that far, but if you did, then I should better say thank you and tell you that I'm not such a drama queen normally, actually I almost never complain about anything to anyone...
and I guess the right thing to do right now is to say that im really sorry taking that much of your time but I really needed to speak, even if there was no one to hear me.

[bluedragon]

Hi Time2Settle Welcome to the forum!

Thanks for sharing about yourself

[East]

Hi Time2Stettle! GREAT INTRODUCTION! Nice to meet you! Welcome to GS

[Rareboy]

Well, it certainly has been complex so far.

Welcome. Hopefully you stick around and get some support and guidance from others who have been through similar experiences.

[ceez]

welcome to the forum you have an amazing story. I hope you stick around this is a great place for support.

[Wolfpack]

Welcome to GS , and thank you for feeling that you can share such intimate details about your life. I hope you find what you need from this forum.

[MikeW]

….I have no idea what I'm going to write in here now...
it might be a short bio about myself or it might end up in a very long, boring, detailed one...

WOW! I'd say that is the longest, most detailed and thorough introduction I've ever read in a forum. Boring, it is not. I'm a bit floored, to be honest, not exactly sure what to say other than Welcome to GS. As others are saying, I hope you stick around and get to know us; it is a great place for support. You've been through A LOT in your life for someone so young! I can definitely relate to a lot of it, especially the grief and confusion.

One thing I'll suggest is you try and relieve yourself of much of the burdens of guilt, sham and self-blame, especially about not expressing yourself more fully to Marc before his passing. Much of what you've had to endure is not so much YOUR fault as the consequences of growing up in, being influenced by, and having to live and try and express yourself within a culture that does not accept or even remotely understand what it means to be a homosexual man. In other words, its little wonder that your life has been tied up in emotional knots that have left you feeling bereft, weakened, and stunned by it all. Actually, given all you've described, you're doing fairly well. It's EXCELLENT that you feel able to spell it all out, put it out there for you and the world to see. I view the writing of that as a part of your on-going healing -- especially since you're saying your Taurus nature keeps you bottled up within yourself most of the time.

As someone who has passed through many life difficulties of various sorts, I can tell you these things can't be escaped. The only way 'out' is through. They are wounds that are every bit as real as wounds of the flesh. Healing takes time and they often leave us scared in various ways we need to learn to respect. In a sense, somewhat like a deep scar on a face, they become a part of our character, a part of who we are. But because they are emotional rather than physical, often times they are confusing to other people who can not SEE clearly where the scar tissue is, much less all that has brought it about.

Self-acceptence is the key. Truly letting all of it in and not trying to force any of it out of mind but, rather, embracing it, as painful as it is, the truth that this has been your life so far. It is only from this place of self-acceptance (in my opinion) that we can begin to grow into a more solid and mature being capable of true compassion -- not only for ourselves, but others. You're still in the healing and reintegration phase. It will take time before you may feel physically and strong enough to once again venture into the potentially stormy seas of emotional life. Inside yourself, learn to be still, and *know* that all you have felt, for Marc and others, IS known because it IS real.

Peace be with you!

[Borg69]

A truly captivating biography! Welcome to GS. You have friends here.

[Albie]

Welcome. That is a detailed post. My introduction said hi and that was about it, lol.