In Shock

[Lexington]

I've got other things I prefer to shake.

Lex

[princealbertofb]

I've got other things I prefer to shake.

Lex

Fair enough!!!

[East]

I may be nudging the conversation in a slightly different direction, but since we seem to be in semi-babble mode, hopefully you'll indulge me...

I was talking to a younger guy about aging, getting older, and reminiscing recently. The impetus for the conversation was having a building torn down on a big street. He said "That building has always been there during my life - it's so surreal to see it torn down." I said that it happened to me enough that my entire viewpoint of buildings had changed. Because as a kid (and young adult), they seemed to be...well, buildings. Like they went up to an empty space and put something there. And that was, in my mind, a permanent change. Previously, vacant lot - currently, office building. Progress in a nutshell.

But I no longer really see buildings like that. I see them all as temporary. It's there to serve a purpose for an indeterminate length of time, but eventually, that time period will end. Either the business (or family) won't need it anymore, or it won't be correct for their current needs, and it will be replaced by something different. Or perhaps nothing - maybe they'll bulldoze it and put up some trees and flowers. So going down the street now, I just see things as in a slow state of flux. Eventually, this place will close, and that building will be gone, and this family will move away.

This eventually led to the idea of reminiscing. I talked about going back to my hometown of San Francisco a decade or so back. And a lot of it, naturally, has changed. And one of the things that has changed a lot was the mall-type shopping area near where I grew up. Unlike most malls, it's still around and thriving, but it doesn't look at all like it did. There's a Trader Joe's where the Woolworth's used to be, and I couldn't even be sure where the old record store was. And although none of this was surprising, it peeved me. In a way I couldn't quite explain back then.

But now I can.

First off, it's ridiculous to think things should remain the same, especially just for MY sake. I don't even live there anymore. And even if the stores were still there, they would have changed and adapted the same way I have over the years. The clothing stores wouldn't have early 80s fashion on display, and the Woolworth's wouldn't have 1980 toys for sale. And in a sense, THAT'S what I was looking for. What I was looking for was things that reminded me of being ten years old. But of course, I'm no longer ten years old. I would tower over the Woolworth's counter now. That Bob Seger 45 wouldn't hold the same value for me at age 45, because 1. I can easily afford it and 2. I can hear it anytime I want on YouTube or iTunes. I am no longer ten years old, and it's silly to try to force myself back into that mindset.

That isn't to say reminiscing is wrong, or silly. It's just that I don't need the "things" to do it. Yeah, it's nice to go back to San Francisco and look around. And I still like looking at, and playing, songs on 45. But I don't NEED them. It doesn't take much work for me to remember ten-year-old Lex looking at the records on sale, or walking through the neighborhood, or what have you. And I still enjoy music, in part, for the way it can help bring back those feelings. But I don't rose-color those memories. I had some crap going on back then, too. I'm not going to shake my cane and say "back in my day..."

Lex

I will indulge you anytime...and enjoy doing so....

I never care what direction a thread takes...it's all good.

...and I know of what you speak...I have struggled with it ...not much though...because I kinda wince when I hear people do it so the way around it for me...and I consciously thought about this years ago...the world doesn't really belong to me anyway and since I am older...whatever happens today is what the younger people have to live with and if they are OK with it...well...they have a voice and whether they do or don't use it...they deserve a world they either helped create...or stayed silent about...

When I didn't like something ...I definitely used my voice...alot...but I was done with "making changes" by the time I was 40 or so. I did what I could to shape the world...now it is someone else's turn....and that is how I see it.

On a personal level...I like some things better now...some...not so much. I dont like how the same corporate stores pretty much uniformly dot every single shopping center and landscape ....I always try to look for independent stores....

...and since I grew up in the Bay Area and most of the people I know did as well...we do the "remember that" stuff sometimes...but not so much the sorrow part...just a bit of nostalgia...

The used record stores though...I would go to them once a week for quite a while. I think there were 23 of them in San Francisco alone when I was going. I skipped a few but the others...I was faithfully there every week looking for stuff...I think they are all gone now...maybe not...I stopped going years ago. The only one I go to now is LOGOS in Downtown Santa Cruz....

I am still looking for a copy of Irene Ryan's "No Time At All"...released on Motown (she was Granny on The Beverly Hillbillies)...and also a copy of Yvonne Fair's "The Bitch is Black" ...I want them both on vinyl...and I refuse to buy vinyl on the internet...I love the hunt ...part of the fun.

My gandfather...and his father...were contracters and construction workers in San Francisco...
some of their buildings still stand...pretty cool....

If I miss one thing...It would be The Fox Theatre in Downtown San Jose...you could sleep on the red carpet it was so thick and luxurious...and they had the old velvet curtains...loved that place

[LJay]

This has given me too much to think about, East. I'm glad you posted it, but it is one of those provocative things that has me racing mentally while seeking simplicity.

[MikeW]

This has given me too much to think about, East. I'm glad you posted it, but it is one of those provocative things that has me racing mentally while seeking simplicity.

Wise man!

[East]

LOL Mike..you guys don't really have to pay any attention of course..it is kind of a personal thing and probably only even interesting to me...I think I am just making a public journal entry today

UGH...this is bad. I just spent another couple of hours AFTER what I wrote today looking at even more of my old friends and trying not to say HI or add anyone...

I am pretty sure now that it isn't that I am saying goodbye because I am gonna die..I think it is because I have to let the past go.....a difficult task. I have always thought it would be impossible..but today...I am thinking it IS possible...and I just might be able to move on from it...

I realized...we all have death in common...we all were there at the beginning of AIDS...and we are the ones who "made it". I think that is what I have to say goodbye to...and I think it is why I don't want to connect with anyone. It affected me as deeply as anything can and has stayed with me...and maybe it is time to let it go...

I think what was bothering me today when I made this thread was that I am afraid to let it go...it is a guilt thing for me. It has shaped so much of my life...I hope I can instinctively figure out how to do it...letting such a big thing go and closing the door...shedding guilt sucks...one of the hardest things to do for me...

I know I am rambling but I just want to get it out ...it is easier to put it in perspective that way...it is a very heavy feeling now....I don't like it....my chest hurts....

I know if I even say HI that I will get a rundown of everyone else that died..it happened last time and I ran away....

How do you say to someone that you like them but they remind you of death...or that you are sorry someone is dying but you just can't do it anymore...that you have nothing left. It is so rude and it seems so unforgivable to even think it...much less say it...

I think a silent "goodbye" is the best approach...I just hope I can keep myself from "browsing" the friends lists and I hope I can stop myself in case I want to say Hi...

Goddamn facebook

[dynamodean]

Thank you for sharing your story, East. I'm in one of my reflective and introspective moments and this touched me...deeply. I always wondered what it's like to be an empath....it seems at the same time a blessing and a curse. Sometimes the mind is a weird (and wonderful) thing and we can tend to overthink ourselves...

As for your question: I have definitely felt the need to shed my former self. I know I cannot get back my childhood and all the friends I made were transient associations. Life has a way to bring some of us together, and then taking us apart. Sometimes I wonder how some of my friends are doing...before it strikes me...that we are no longer friends.

I think finding the silver lining is the best thing we can do for ourselves.

[princealbertofb]

The thing is, [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION], I'm not sure that with you letting it go, it will disappear completely from your brain. You'd have to have a lobotomy probably to get rid of every bloody memory of what has passed. Letting go would be more like getting rid of the guilt and the feelings of pain and bereavement to concentrate on other things, lighter things, maybe. Things that need your energy just as much and that are maybe just as beautiful. I don't think you'll ever lose those memories of yore, the bad ones and the good ones. So letting them go just means shifting your priorities of what's important, and what is no longer so important.

There may have been a time when remembering was an act of survival and a way of helping out others in similar situations. We learn from our errors and those of others, don't we? But at one point even those teachings are no longer valid. It could be that the software of yesteryear is now completely obsolete. (figuratively, of course). The lay of the land has changed now, and this earth needs us to look at it differently, and to do different things from what we did in the past. So maybe it's just about shifting priorities. Reassessing. Taking new stock, to use a salesperson's jargon.
Strangely you deal in antiques, don't you? So it can't be easy for you to let go of the past when everything you work with will just remind you of times gone by. I'm sure even the clients for that stuff are a different bunch now.

Don't stop taking care, though, sweetie pie. mile:

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Like I said, people change every day - not just you but they have too - so yeah you can still love them, hold them dear in your heart but still drift apart since you all become different people.

There are a lot of old dear friends who I haven't been in contact with for years. Life changed us, we moved on. Sometimes I wonder what has become of them, what they are up to, but I know that they are no longer the people I once knew - and I prefer to keep them as they were in my memories as they helped to form me as I am today.

I think its normal for people to drift apart, to want to keep their memories as pristine as possible for people, places, events in our lives.

[East]

Thanks everyone for your contributions and for listening to me....I finally got a chance to talk to my BF last night after we got back from the gym... and afterward I ended up talking to my dead friends....

Don't worry....they weren't talking back to me LOL....I was just thinking about what they would tell me if they knew what I was thinking/doing ...and none of them would want me to get stuck in the past...I am sure of it. It started out where I had tears and it hurt a lot but I ended up actually happy and even smiling..THAT has NEVER HAPPENED before...and I am positive it is a real page turning for me..finally leaving something behind I never thought even possible.

I also don't feel guilty now...I feel a lot lighter actually...I know none of them would want me to feel guilty...they might even slap me if they knew it...

I suspect I needed to do that and didn't even realize it....

I didn't even want to browse the photos or profiles today on FB (thank God)...and I am fairly certain that I won't do it again. I feel a lot better today...

I am going to leave the past in the past...it is so much more than just the photos and the people...they were just the trigger for a much bigger problem. I am pretty good at helping myself with my own problems but I usually need to say it out loud to get a better perspective....

So...thank you for the responses...and for just listening to me...

Oh yeah...one more thing I forgot all about that my BF reminded me of....
Last Saturday I saw a friend of mine I probably haven't seen for 20 years (a gay friend)....I have known him since I was 21...We are even the same age because I remembered he is a December Birthday...same year as me... and we used to tease each other about age and being younger/older then the other...

...and I had no problem or hesitation or weirdness at all talking to him..we struck up a conversation like we had just seen each other yesterday....and we never even talked about death...all the guys he always hung out with the most are still alive...

...and I didn't think "wow..you got old" LOL...I was just happy to run into him and I had a nice time catching up with him....so maybe if I saw any of those guys on FB in my day to day travels I might be OK...I just hate the forced thing on FB....and I would rather things be natural rather than forced...