Coming out in my 30s (Please reply)

[Liz81]

Hi guys! Sorry about the title but I've been asking for help from other places but apparently, no one has any interest in helping so hopefully, this will be different here. I really need some help and I know the post below is long but please bear with me.

Ok, I'm nearly 34 and still live with parents (no job and still need help financially) but I will be finding a new job once I figure out some things in my life. I know it's ridiculous because I'm nearing my mid-30s, should have had things figured out already, gotten married, had a family etc... but I know not everyone's the same.

Anyway, I've gotten to this age and I have a pretty good relationship with my parents. But I don't always talk to them about everything and I like to have my own privacy and sometimes they respect that and sometimes it feels like they don't. So after all the things I hear about the reactions of people who learn their loved ones are gay and the way gay people are treated, it's easy to imagine how hard it is to come out. It's hard because I don't know how they're going to react or what to do if they react badly. What if they're too shocked or they get angry with me? I've had my whole life to come out to this point but I never really fully did. I say "fully" because I remember telling my mother that I liked girls (I'm female, by the way) when I was 14 and of course, at that age, why would one believe me? Hormones go crazy at the age, right? So I told her I liked them and I'm sorry to say I can't really remember what her reaction was at the time but I don't think it was too positive. I could be wrong, maybe it wasn't that bad. I never told my dad or anyone else. So I could tell them but what if they have a bad reaction, tell me I'm confused, tell me I'm just going through a phase or I haven't found the right guy because I don't meet too many people. The truth is, I don't meet so many people. I'm more of a loner and comfortable with my privacy and being off to myself. Sometimes I hate it when people try to pry and ask every question about what I'm up to, why I'm doing this, where I'm going etc... and I feel like maybe I'm not entitled to my own personal space. The more people pry, the more secluded I begin to feel. I've always been shy as a kid but now, I'm not as shy as I used to be. It's not that I haven't found the right guy. I just don't feel anything about a guy but I do for a female. My family has known me my whole life, it might be weird for them since I never flirted or been with a female around them. Once, I was with a woman who was bisexual but my family thought were just friends so I just left it as that. Then I broke up with her because I thought the relationship was going faster than I was prepared for and because I didn't want to admit that I was in a relationship with a woman and not a man. I wished I didn't feel ashamed at the time to tell people that I like women, not men. The woman I was with is now dead so I can't "come out" then go back to her now. I decided not to get into a relationship until I come out to my family so I don't have to hide the relationship but right now at my age, I really want to open myself to companionship with other women on a personal basis, rather than just knowing women and saying, "hey, how you doing?" and just leave it as that. I've met a lot of attractive women and for a long time, I didn't care for dating again after my girlfriend died but now I've let it go and I want to move on. I don't want to keep a relationship a secret if I don't have to.

My parents aren't strictly religious but some distant relatives are. We never talked much about gay people although my mother has said there's nothing wrong with being gay. That made me a feel a bit better but isn't it different when your own child is gay? No one in my family really talk about gay people or the possibility that someone in my family is gay and I don't want to get weird feelings if I bring it up. How can I convince her it wasn't her fault or my dad's fault or anyone's fault? My dad and I have an okay relationship but he does push my buttons sometimes and I think it's because he's worried about me being really independent and my mother is a workaholic most of my life so my dad raised me mostly, I think. He tends to get aggressive and anxious but then anxiety does run in the family so I don't know about coming out to him first or even after I come out to one person in the family. What do I do if my family denies that I'm gay, telling me I'm confused. I have a learning and physical disability so they could use that and tell me that I'm just confused because of the disabilities. I've been feeling this way about pretty much my entire life and have absolutely no romantic or sexual feelings towards men. What if they say I'm really not gay and saying or thinking it because of my disabilities? My dad could get more aggressive with me if I came out. My sister and I get along great but again, it's hard to come out knowing that I've never been "out" in front of my family and she's known me forever. She lives with her family and they go to church. Although I'm not sure what you call their religion but it's not like Catholic, Baptist or whatever. I'm not very close to many other relatives except my grandmother but you can forget her. She's old-fashioned and has never spoken nicely about gay people.

I'm feeling so much pressure to come out and to be with a woman in a more personal way because I can't help myself when I'm spending a lot of time in an attractive woman's company. It's hard to keep a relationship when I'm keeping it a secret. I tried that once and it didn't go well. What to do if she comes over for dinner with the family? Not smile at her or touch her hand at the table?

Sorry for rambling but I'm pretty stressed about it and I really want to come out but afraid of my parents' reaction and what if they don't approve of my relationship with a woman? The woman may not want to proceed with the relationship if my family don't accept her or the relationship or my being a lesbian.

Sometimes it does occur to me. Maybe my family knows! If they do, how come they haven't told me they know? It'd be so much easier if they just came out and told me they knew. How do I know whether they know and how they feel about it?

If you're out, how did you do it and how did you do it whether just saying, "Hey, Mom, Dad... I'm gay"? It just feels weird just coming up to them and saying it. I wish I knew how to do so without just saying it. I found a website on how to do it but the tips seems too obvious.. like getting a balloon and writing "I'm gay" on it, or a rainbow cake etc....

Ugh, so many questions!

[chibigiraffe]

*sigh* I'm still pretty new to this coming-out thing to but I'm afraid to tell you that there really isn't a perfect time to do it. I feel for you. I'm 23 and was so angry with myself for only realizing now that I'm gay, especially hearing how so many people are coming-out sooner and sooner. I still live with my parents and thought that waiting until after I move out would be best. But I just didn't want to end up 40 years old, with I wife and children living a lie and finally breaking under the pressure. So I just came out and said it one day. My family and ex-pastor tried to push it back inside but I wouldn't allow that to happen. Once it was out, I wasn't going to let it back in.

My family is a bit different than yours because mine is pretty religious. But even though my family are anti-gay, I did what I had to do because I realized that I was an adult and that I couldn't blame anyone but myself for the self-hatred and stress I put myself through. You have to decide if staying in the closet is worth your parents full acceptance of you or not.

I'm pretty sure your parents will see you as an adult who knows who she is and knows what she wants in her life and accept you. Also, they must love you enough to still have you living with them! (hope this helps!...)

[reaper]

Wow, I think you are the female version of me. So much of what you said I easily relate to.

I'm 40 and just recently came out. I wasn't exactly in denial, but I came to think I was asexual really. I had no real interest in women and spent the vast majority of my years alone or had very ocassional hookups, usually when drinking.

As I got older the hookups became less frequent, and the last few years I didn't bother at all.

Looking back, I should have seen it much sooner. I think I was probably afraid to even consider the possibilty. To deny something, you at least have to consider it.

A close family member, that I consider a sister, came out very late as well, in her early 40's. As we talked I, for the first time, opened that door to ever look at he possibility.

Not long after the pieces began to fall in place and I could see the full picture for the first time.

I started to explore my sexuality and once I KNEW I was a gay man I told a few family members. I told the easiest ones first, and the harder ones when I was ready.

Tomorrow, I will be bringing my bf to a family event for the first time. I had my mom tell a few family members who didn't know my situation so it's not uncomfortable.

All of them were fine with it. And even if they weren't, what would it change?

We all want to be accepted by the ones we love, but if they can't accept certain things then that's really on them. We are who we are.

My eyes are open now, I'm happier then I've ever been and although I'd want everyone to accept it and be ok with my new life, if they weren't I wouldn't change a thing!

So try not worry to much about the things you can't control. Tell who you want, when you want....and let the chips fall where they fall!

[Watermark]

I would say that be honest to your family. Then you'll know where they stand with this matter. After that you can start figuring things out and plan future - what ever the reaction had been.

[hank]

Hi guys! Sorry about the title but I've been asking for help from other places but apparently, no one has any interest in helping so hopefully, this will be different here. I really need some help and I know the post below is long but please bear with me.

Ok, I'm nearly 34 and still live with parents (no job and still need help financially) but I will be finding a new job once I figure out some things in my life. I know it's ridiculous because I'm nearing my mid-30s, should have had things figured out already, gotten married, had a family etc... but I know not everyone's the same.

Anyway, I've gotten to this age and I have a pretty good relationship with my parents. But I don't always talk to them about everything and I like to have my own privacy and sometimes they respect that and sometimes it feels like they don't. So after all the things I hear about the reactions of people who learn their loved ones are gay and the way gay people are treated, it's easy to imagine how hard it is to come out. It's hard because I don't know how they're going to react or what to do if they react badly. What if they're too shocked or they get angry with me? I've had my whole life to come out to this point but I never really fully did. I say "fully" because I remember telling my mother that I liked girls (I'm female, by the way) when I was 14 and of course, at that age, why would one believe me? Hormones go crazy at the age, right? So I told her I liked them and I'm sorry to say I can't really remember what her reaction was at the time but I don't think it was too positive. I could be wrong, maybe it wasn't that bad. I never told my dad or anyone else. So I could tell them but what if they have a bad reaction, tell me I'm confused, tell me I'm just going through a phase or I haven't found the right guy because I don't meet too many people. The truth is, I don't meet so many people. I'm more of a loner and comfortable with my privacy and being off to myself. Sometimes I hate it when people try to pry and ask every question about what I'm up to, why I'm doing this, where I'm going etc... and I feel like maybe I'm not entitled to my own personal space. The more people pry, the more secluded I begin to feel. I've always been shy as a kid but now, I'm not as shy as I used to be. It's not that I haven't found the right guy. I just don't feel anything about a guy but I do for a female. My family has known me my whole life, it might be weird for them since I never flirted or been with a female around them. Once, I was with a woman who was bisexual but my family thought were just friends so I just left it as that. Then I broke up with her because I thought the relationship was going faster than I was prepared for and because I didn't want to admit that I was in a relationship with a woman and not a man. I wished I didn't feel ashamed at the time to tell people that I like women, not men. The woman I was with is now dead so I can't "come out" then go back to her now. I decided not to get into a relationship until I come out to my family so I don't have to hide the relationship but right now at my age, I really want to open myself to companionship with other women on a personal basis, rather than just knowing women and saying, "hey, how you doing?" and just leave it as that. I've met a lot of attractive women and for a long time, I didn't care for dating again after my girlfriend died but now I've let it go and I want to move on. I don't want to keep a relationship a secret if I don't have to.

My parents aren't strictly religious but some distant relatives are. We never talked much about gay people although my mother has said there's nothing wrong with being gay. That made me a feel a bit better but isn't it different when your own child is gay? No one in my family really talk about gay people or the possibility that someone in my family is gay and I don't want to get weird feelings if I bring it up. How can I convince her it wasn't her fault or my dad's fault or anyone's fault? My dad and I have an okay relationship but he does push my buttons sometimes and I think it's because he's worried about me being really independent and my mother is a workaholic most of my life so my dad raised me mostly, I think. He tends to get aggressive and anxious but then anxiety does run in the family so I don't know about coming out to him first or even after I come out to one person in the family. What do I do if my family denies that I'm gay, telling me I'm confused. I have a learning and physical disability so they could use that and tell me that I'm just confused because of the disabilities. I've been feeling this way about pretty much my entire life and have absolutely no romantic or sexual feelings towards men. What if they say I'm really not gay and saying or thinking it because of my disabilities? My dad could get more aggressive with me if I came out. My sister and I get along great but again, it's hard to come out knowing that I've never been "out" in front of my family and she's known me forever. She lives with her family and they go to church. Although I'm not sure what you call their religion but it's not like Catholic, Baptist or whatever. I'm not very close to many other relatives except my grandmother but you can forget her. She's old-fashioned and has never spoken nicely about gay people.

I'm feeling so much pressure to come out and to be with a woman in a more personal way because I can't help myself when I'm spending a lot of time in an attractive woman's company. It's hard to keep a relationship when I'm keeping it a secret. I tried that once and it didn't go well. What to do if she comes over for dinner with the family? Not smile at her or touch her hand at the table?

Sorry for rambling but I'm pretty stressed about it and I really want to come out but afraid of my parents' reaction and what if they don't approve of my relationship with a woman? The woman may not want to proceed with the relationship if my family don't accept her or the relationship or my being a lesbian.

Sometimes it does occur to me. Maybe my family knows! If they do, how come they haven't told me they know? It'd be so much easier if they just came out and told me they knew. How do I know whether they know and how they feel about it?

If you're out, how did you do it and how did you do it whether just saying, "Hey, Mom, Dad... I'm gay"? It just feels weird just coming up to them and saying it. I wish I knew how to do so without just saying it. I found a website on how to do it but the tips seems too obvious.. like getting a balloon and writing "I'm gay" on it, or a rainbow cake etc....

Ugh, so many questions!

when I came out I was almost thirty. It seems you and I are quite similar.

My folks are upset about it but they are trying. I attempted to come out when I was 17 but I heard the same "everybody goes through that stage" speech. I decided that I'd be honest if they asked. In March of 2011 my mom asked if I was gay. I said yes. Dad didn't say a word. Mom asked how I'd know if I had never been with anybody. Poor naive mom, I told her I have. She asked whether it was a man or a woman, I said he was a guy.

(I'm a guy by the way)

She said she didn't want to know any more about it

[cestmoi77]

Every family's different.....I came out to my folks a couple of years ago, I must have been about 35. I was expecting my dad to be horrified and my mum to be okay and it was actually the other way round. I won't go into details but my mum's reaction still shocks me a little bit and even now she still really goes out of her way to change the subject if my relationship status (or lack of, more like!) is brought up....my dad was fine with it although he doesn't exactly ask me the details (!).

I think the point is that sometimes you just get surprised by how people react - one of my cousins who I always thought was really ultra-liberal reacted really strangely and my very conservative uncle didn't care one way or the other. So you never know how people will react.